I am hideously disgusting

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  • TraceysJourney
    TraceysJourney Posts: 27 Member
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    I can totally relate. I refuse to have my picture taken and avoid mirrors as much as I can. Whenever I see the person I have become I get completely disgusted with myself.
    Every day that I get a little farther with exercise I feel better.
    Every day I am under my calorie goal I feel a little better.
    It really is the little things.


    This is so me :)
  • jancli
    jancli Posts: 11 Member
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  • triciab79
    triciab79 Posts: 1,713 Member
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    Hi. I really hate my body. I am hideously disgusting and want to throw up every time I look at myself in pictures or in the mirror or sitting at home naked. I feel like a blob of horrendous hideousness. I never even want to have sex or be naked again because I hate my body so much I wish I could cut the fat off.

    I don't always feel this way, especially before eating something I should not. Sometimes I say, "F-it...I'm not that bad" but then I feel like I don't even want to have to take a shower because I have to stand there in my disgusting body and see myself in the mirror.

    I really want to not have this fat on my body. I wish I could be thin and the cellulite disappear from my life.

    I don't know how anybody does it. I read the success stories all the time, but I can't relate. I feel so hopeless cause I like, eat. I don't eat that bad, I just eat too much. Read my food diary if you want.

    Anyways, I just thought I would try to reach out somewhere.

    Been there hun! You are taking step one on a very long road back. Don't let your self image make you stumble. You defend your diet but you have to stop that. If you aren't losing by doing what you are doing then you need to change. This is not about whether what you do is good or bad. All that matters is does it work. If it works it is the right path. If it doesn't then its not the right path. Its tempting to comfort yourself with the "I did everything right" lie but in the end if you don't make your goal will it still comfort you? If it doesn't work then find something that does. Don't give up. Nothing is more important than fixing this.
  • lee91356
    lee91356 Posts: 330 Member
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    I understand your sentiment but to be blunt your not that bad. I dont know your height but starting on MFP at around 200 lb your probably just overweight; i.e. your not extremely obese or morbidly obese, like I was (talk about hideously disgusting). If you want to really get into gear you need to learn to feel good about yourself regardless of your weight. That is something that even if you lose weight will always catch up with you.

    I started my weight loss at over 320 lbs. I was always overweight but I was NEVER comfortable being overweight, even years ago when I weighed less then my heighest. I have friends who are overweight and family members who are also overweight, some are REALLY big and other just chubby, and their weight has never held them back. I ALWAYS let my weight stop me from being the social and outgoing person I am. I haven't really dated and for a while I had almost no friends because I couldnt believe that anyone would want to be friends with a fat person. As I got older and more comfortable with myself I started learning that the way we look is only a small part of who we are, yes some people are jerks and like to make comments about it, but its not who we are. I stopped being busy worrying about my looks and got busy living life - I traveled, went to graduate school, got a job, made friends and was out EVERY weekend. About two years ago I had a hard time and lost my job, my mom was ill, and I gained a lot of weight (i.e. hit 320). Then again I let ALL those negative thought about my weight suffocate me, when I noticed that my health was starting to suffer because of my weight I decided that I needed to put an end to being 'obese' and deal with it. I have had a hard time, not with the food and exercise, but dealing with other things, like dating, getting a job, and making new friends because even though I have lost well over 100 pounds I still see myself as this huge person. Whenever I look in the mirror I see all the flaws of the weight I have lost (excess skin, which luckily you wont have) and the weight I still need to lose and I worry that it will never be enough!

    But what we all need to remember, regardless if your trying to lose 2 pounds or 200 pounds, is that we deserve to feel good about ourselves and not let how we feel that we look hold us back.

    Good luck to you!
  • Hearts_2015
    Hearts_2015 Posts: 12,031 Member
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    283c982f80fb1aa274b2102cf6ed37b2.jpg

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    :flowerforyou: The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is learn to love ourselves exactly where we are, only then can changes truly occur.
    I am currently reading a book: The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Ending Overeating: Using Compassion-Focused Therapy to Overcome Bingeing and Disordered Eating (The New Harbinger Compassion-Focused Therapy Series) [Paperback]
    Ken Goss PhD (Author), Paul Gilbert PhD (Foreword) The book teaches you to have compassion for yourself. I am only beginning to read it so I have yet to learn from it. It is pricey, but I hear it's really good. For a description, the amazon link:

    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572249773/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00

    The Jillian Michaels books sound good, too from what another MFP members said about learning to love yourself.
    Thank you for this!:heart:

    Also this entire thread is the answer to the question you posed on an earlier thread!:wink:http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/868620-i-found-mfp-through-reddit
  • Olahou
    Olahou Posts: 18 Member
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    Girl I can totally relate! Iʻve been overweight most of my life. Iʻm bigger than my husband and I hate looking at pictures of us together because I look so much bigger than he does. I worry that people look at us and wonder what the heck heʻs doing with someone that looks like me. My weight makes me look a lot older than I am too. Once, my best friend and I went to get haircuts together and my hairstylist asked me if she was my daughter!!!! Iʻm a year older than my friend and I look like I could be her mom!

    Iʻve tried and tried and tried to lose weight and Iʻve failed over and over again. Iʻve been at it again for a little over a month now. Iʻm trying to look at it as being more healthy and aware of what Iʻm eating. If I wanna have some pizza...then I have a slice or two. But I donʻt have the four or five that I used to. I think that if you try and cut things you love out completely, youʻll fail. Allow yourself to have a meal...or a whole day when you eat your favorite not so healthy foods. Just donʻt eat as much as you normally do. And try to exercise. Iʻve had an elliptical machine for almost two years now and only started to really make use of it. Start slow. Walk for 15 minutes. Do an easy 15 for a week. Then add 5 more and do that for a week. Build it up slowly. It took years to put all the weight on, so itʻs gonna take a little while to get it all off. So far, Iʻve lost 14 pounds. I still have a long way to go, but thats a start. This place is a great site because there are so many people that are going through the same thing. I love logging on and reading about the success stories...but even more, I like reading about the struggle. It reminds me that Iʻm not the only one. Iʻll be here to help you along the way....we all will be!
  • bathsheba_c
    bathsheba_c Posts: 1,873 Member
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    Dang. I've never thought that being overweight made someone hideous or disgusting.

    Getting to a healthy weight takes time. The important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and to try not to despair. And when you do despair and fall of the wagon, you need to remember how far you've come and just get back on.

    If you feel this way about yourself, it might help you to talk to a psychologist, even if it's just for one or two sessions. A lot of people here either gained weight or had trouble losing weight because of their emotional hang-ups. At the very least, a therapist could give you some tools to not be so hard on yourself. And if there is a mental component to your weight issues, a therapist could be extremely helpful.
  • fatjavotte
    fatjavotte Posts: 96 Member
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    I know how you feel like. There is only one small mirror in my house (you can only see your face) and I turn my eyes away from the windows after dark so that I don't accidentally see my reflection.

    I lost weight numerous times in the past 10 years (at least 50lbs each time, which I then puck back on). I used to think that I would like myself better after losing weight. However, I have noticed that I manage to eat healthily and lose weight when I am kind to my body in the first place. It includes giving myself a good scrub in the shower so that my skin feels softer, taking care of my hair and nails, putting on a little makeup even if I don't leave the house, and buying a couple of nice clothes that fit me now, even if it means they will be too big in a few weeks.

    Don't hate your body. If you hate it you will be tempted to feed it crap.
  • Kandyhar
    Kandyhar Posts: 95 Member
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    I just looked at a week of your diary entries and I don't see that you are really eating that much. not like 3000 calories or something. 1500-2000 seems ok if you are excercising.
  • Filletsteak
    Filletsteak Posts: 85 Member
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    Thanks y'all. Some of your responses really made me laugh and feel better. Sorry to like, come on here and be all emotional. I didn't know where else to go.
    You're here. That's a good start. Stick with it, log everything and try to move about a bit. If you buy junk food, you will eat it. You can do workouts at home. Glad you're laughing, hopefully when you read your original post in a year's time, you'll laugh at that too. Hugs and good luck!
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
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    Nah, you're not hideously disgusting. Nobody is. Break that thought pattern today - every time you hear yourself insult yourself give yourself a good talking to. You wouldn't talk to someone else like that, so why on earth should you let you talk to yourself like that?!

    Turn it around - if you're feeling a bit glum about how you look think 'good thing I've started getting healthy, imagine how my body's going to change!'. And I took a quick look at your food diary - you seem to have a sweet tooth (so do I!). Try cutting all processed sugar out of your diet for a few days - no chocolate, no cookies. Snack on a few raw nuts, or some fruit, or something like that. You'll probably find that your palate will change and chocolate and cookies will suddenly seem TOO sweet. Then it's easy to have them only once in a while.

    But first and foremost, don't let you bully yourself. The rest will follow.

    ^^^^^ this

    learn to like yourself and make the changes because you want to be healthy and look good, because you like yourself and you deserve it. Be a friend to yourself. Don't bully yourself, encourage yourself. You don't need to hate yourself to change, in fact you'll find it easier to stay motivated if you're changing because you know you deserve to be healthy and fit, rather than because you hate yourself. Quite a lot of people who hate themselves when fat, still hate themselves after they get thin, because they never addressed the self hatred issue. Address that now, love yourself for who you are, and strive to be the best and healthiest version of yourself, because that's who you deserve to be.

    I found the same re getting rid of a sweet tooth too. I don't have forbidden foods, I follow the 90% rule so have treats, but 3 days of zero carb got rid of my sweet tooth. That wasn't the intention, it was a failed experiment in fat loss (low/zero carb dieting does not suit me at all), but the unexpected result was no longer being able to stuff my face with really sweet stuff and preferring to eat sweet things in moderation and liking the taste of less sweet things more.
  • terriblyn
    terriblyn Posts: 107 Member
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    This is a bit late in the game, but I wanted to jump on this thread, it being Valentine's and all....

    Loving yourself isn't going to happen over night, neither is taming the beast of negative self talk in side your head.
    But it gets better, and one day, you'll look back on this feeling, and won't be able to imagine feeling that way:

    Because you are awesome.

    I've been there lady. I don't know if someone told you once upon a time that you weren't good enough and you decided to believe them, but let me tell you something:

    You are good enough. You are more than enough.

    Some things that have helped me get over my self loathing are
    Not INDULGING in those thoughts, because we all have them, but just shut that motha up!
    Don't go down that road! What would you tell your best friend? You've gotta be your own bestie in that moment.
    Find a mirror and look yourself deep in the eye. Seriously, this works. Tell yourself, "I am eternal, there is nothing that I cannot do." Speak to your soul. You are not your body as another poster said. Your body is just the container for your rockin' spirit!

    Also, set a goal. A tiny goal. ANY goal. But set it, crush it, and set another one!
    Goal setting is a great way to achieve confidence.

    If I can do this. You can do this.
    It's tough, but we're here to help!

    Okay? So stop it :):heart:

    Happy Valentine's Day
  • angeldn52
    angeldn52 Posts: 8
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    Bookmark. Thanks for saying this out loud. I have quietly been thinking this. I am touched by all the encouragement you have received. Hang in there.

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