Please some help- Extremely abusive mother

Some people need to be out of your life. It doesn't matter what their official relationship is- mother, father, spouse- if keeping them in your life does more damage than good, you need to cut loose. I say this as the ex-wife of a man who was verbally abusive and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage, and eventually drank himself to death.

It won't be easy; I know people get sucked into these relationships gradually and before they realize it, they have "normalized the abnormal"- a great quote from a book I read once. But you won't realize what it's done to your brain (and how strong you are to have survived) till you get out. There really is life on the other side- I'm now surrounded by good people I can trust, who build me up instead of criticizing my every move. My DS is engaged to a wonderful young woman and I have every confidence that he'll be a good husband and father thanks to my second DH's good example.

You don't deserve what your mother is dishing out and she doesn't deserve a dime from you. Focus on taking care of yourself, and get counseling if you need it.

If you're paying 95% of the bills, it seems like you could probably make a small cut somewhere and pay 100% of the bills somewhere else without her.

I'd be gone.

Hey there....

You are not alone. Many of us have faced this battle.

The one thing I can say, is you need to separate yourself from that situation now that you are financially able to take care of yourself.

She will never stop if you keep taking care of her.

The dehumanization that she is making you endure is nothing more than a perpetuation of other things she dealt with and instead of choosing to stop it she chose to pass it forward. (which is completely wrong on her part and just an assumption on my part...who knows why she did / does it).

In the end, the hardest thing you can do is actually emotionally cut ties and move on.

You say that she is your only family....well then to that, i say who needs enemies with friends like these???

Honestly just because she is your family doesn't mean anything.

You can find a support group for people like you in your community (outside of any of her relatives because they will more than likely just take her side....)

****Note...I have been there so trust me...im not talking out of the side of my neck here****

The support group will become your new family and will help you heal. You will be amazed to see how loving some people are when you are jaded from a life long battle with a chronic abuser.

In the end, leave her alone...cut ties and move on.

The biggest thing, is not to relapse and go back when you get those moments when you feel 'sorry' that you left, or that wonder how they are doing. Just remember that if it went on 25 years then it's obviously not changing.

If you want, you can address the situation in the future when you get a better grounding on yourself with a more stable group of people around you.

Good luck there on your journey! You will need it to stay strong!

Be blessed

Obviously you are a very beautiful, strong, intelligent and good person. You should seek some professional help. You seen understand and know your position very well and obviously are very bright or you would not have recognized it. At the end of the end, the only one that is in control of your attitude, distination and thoughts is "you", despite the abusive situation...... Your mother probably needs you more than you understand and she needs help as well. At age 25, you need to move on with whats right for you. Your mother is an adult and its time that she grow up! We are suppose to provide for our children, emtional, financially, etc. etc. She is NOT doing that....... You must change in order to get different results...

As the famous quote goes. "doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different reuslts, is simply the definition of "insanity".

Now that you are 25 years old,
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1GET OUT!!!!!!!! adn stay out. let her pay her own bills.

You will not have a healthy relationship with a family of your own, while you are with her

Ditto the book Toxic Parents.
Ditto counseling.
Ditto moving on.

I literally dis-associated myself from my parents. Both of them. I was not the only sibling to do so. It wasn't easy, but my sanity and self esteem was more important than maintaining an extremely dysfunctional relationship.

Family does NOT treat you like this. As much as she's your only blood relative, they'll be a time when your family will be your friends and those around you who love you as a person. Considering how she treats you, she's either (a) mentally unstable and dangerous OR (b) abusive and a user. If you're paying 95 percent of the bills, I would say find a friend, ask them for help to get out in one month to build enough money and pack up and leave after you paid the last bill. You can leave her a note and if she's having issues - she can request public assistance. You on the other hand, should be able to start saving money at a friends during that one month to actually get a new place. If you have nowhere to go, if you're a member of a church, please talk to the priest. They may be able to help you get out once you explain the situation you're in and how you might be in danger. The fact that she claims she'll "kill" you is beyond reprehensible. She sounds like she's mentally unstable and you need to get out of there. I bet they could, through the church, help you get out of there. They may find a parishioner who would be willing to take you in for a month to get on your feet. The other option, just take your money and leave, she most likely has income coming from somewhere - that might motivate her to spend her own cash. If you own the house, ask the cops about how to get her out of your home. Its tough but the fact is, family does not treat family in the manner you're talking about. Family loves and respects you. One day you'll find someone who loves and cares for you and here's something to consider, do you want a mother who will treat your children the way she's treating you? If not, I suggest getting out now. She will most likely harm your children mentally if you allow this to continue.

I am sorry that you have endured that type of abuse for so long. I agree with alot of the other comments that you need to get past tihs and move out.
It sounds as if you have tried to make the best of the situation but you were given this life to not only be a daughter but to go out in the world and like life to it's fullest.
There is nothing wrong with deciding to do something for yourself. Whatever you decide, I know it won't be easy but getting professional guidance would probably be a great help.

I was in the same situation. In the end I had to go on with my life. I do.t talk to my mother anymore. She W's mentally and physically abusive. When she started on my daughter my husband banned her from our house. You are beautiful. And special and need to take a stand. Tell her to stop and if she doesn't enforce consequences. You really need to go to counseling. I feel abusers don't really care and will never change. Violence is never the answer. It is dangerous because something bad may happen. You are not two different races. She is the same race as you. You just have an additional race. Which she choose. Take cate of yourself. Be strong. Stop the abuse. Be careful it carries on so take a stand and save your self

My husband is estranged from his abusive family. He cut ties years ago and it was a great relief to him. You don't owe her a thing. No one should have to tolerate montrous behavior just because they share genes. Think about doing yourself a favor and find a new family - people who are loving and supportive the way family should be.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

In addition to individual counseling, you might consider Adult Children of Alcoholics (http://adultchildren.org). It isn't just for adult children of alcoholics.

Best wishes.

Get counseling and move out.

Both my parents are very abusive too, though in different ways. Counseling and cutting myself off from them was the only thing that help. I now have no contact with my father, which has been great, and I do not have an emotional relationship with my mother, although I do visit around the holidays. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes you have to love people from a distance.

You need to move out. Just because someone is related by blood to you doesn't mean they deserve a place in your life. Sometimes we have to cut toxic people out of our lives. Good luck to you.

I don't know how old you are, but if you're paying 95% of the bills, you're old enough to be independent. Move out! You don't need to continue living with the abuse. I also recommend you get counseling. A lot of children who grow up in abusive situations begin to believe that's just normal. It isn't. Please, get some help and get away from your abusive parent!

Get counseling and move out.

EXACTLY

I lived with a verbally and physically abusive father growing up and never felt good enough. He was disappointed that he had all girls and one son that was not "quite right". However I have moved on... he passed about 9 years ago and I had to receive some counseling. But now I realize he was who he was and NONE of it was my fault. I ate to ease the pain of his words and it never helped only gave him another reason to say awful things to me. Just get out before it is too late for you ...