Please some help- Extremely abusive mother
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From what you have told us, your mom has issues that stem back many years. They are not about you, but she is taking them out on you. I do not know how to solve any of this. I do know that, should you continue to stay in that situation, you will not get better. And, she will not get better. (You are a very convenient target for her.) Your mom will have to see that she has a problem, be willing to accept that she has a problem, and be willing to forgive herself for all that she's done (it could be she is angry with herself but continues in the behavior because she thinks what's the use . . .)
You are young yet. I am worried that you might see your relationship with your mom as "unfinished business" and keep yourself from finding happiness in starting your own family until you have closure. (It happens with all kinds of people.) You may have to seek that closure on your own.
Talk to a professional who deals with abused women, co-dependency, or related. They will be very helpful.
** You need to take a lot of space right now to learn about yourself apart from your mom. **
Women who have successfully left an abusive relationship are also good resources for information.0 -
I don't say this lightly at all, but move out. Cut her off. Find friends that love and respect you for who you are. She's a horrendous, evil person and you owe her nothing. Get her completely out of your life and never see her again. I speak from experience. You can do this.0
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Everyone can tell you to move out till the cows come home, but you're not going to do it until you reach your own breaking point. Some people never do, but it sounds like you're getting there. My father was like yours minus the physical aspect. He would always tell me how fat and ugly I was, how I would never be as pretty as my mother, how I was doomed to end up on welfare with 5 kids by 5 different fathers and/or raped because I was had no common sense and therefore would deserve everything I would get. My mother was fine for the most part, we were very similar apparently as children. Mostly she was convinced that I would live her life, including some awful things she had to go through.
My breaking point came New years 2002. I'd finished college and moved back in a few months before. At the time, I had a long-term relationship with a wonderful man in West Canada while I was living 2000 miles away in Philly. After fighting with my parents for weeks because I wanted to visit my boyfriend for Christmas holidays, I agreed to go up the day after Christmas and return on New Years Eve. Long story short, it was a wonderful visit, but after 14 hours of traveling and New Year's Eve delays and attitude, I came home to an empty house and my parents all like "well, why don't you just take a cab to us? Stop being selfish". I cried my New Years in, all alone, and moved out on a credit card 2 months later just to get away from them.
I'm not telling you this for sympathy. I want you to understand that you are not alone in this situation. Honey, moving out is not going to be just for you. After I left my parents didn't have a free venue to talk down to me anymore. It was amazing how often my phone developed a bad connection or would just straight up die when they called to spit their poison at me. If they tried to visit, they had to check with me first, because it always seemed I had to go back to work or was meeting with my friends (most times imaginary) just as they arrived. And I went months without visiting since I was a busy working woman living in the city without a car. In other words, I set the rules and suddenly they had to meet me on my terms.
And it worked! I have a very good relationship with my Mum AND my Dad today. At the time I left, I was convinced that I would NEVER be able to have a good relationship with either of them. It was the best thing I ever did for myself AND for my parents. But you have to be to that breaking point, where this is not 'okay' or 'just the way it is' anymore.
Just know that we're here for you, hon. We get it and we're willing and able to listen when you're ready to talk. Add me if you want, and know that even if you don't, I'm praying for you and your situation. It's a hard thing being in that position. My friends all said the same thing to me: move out, move out, move out. But my usual retort was to get angry and say "it's so easy to say that when it's not YOUR mother or YOUR father." So I'm not going to say that you as you might not be to that point yet.
Friends are the family that you get to choose! Be safe, okay?0 -
She deserves for you to walk away and never look back. I know it will be hard, though. She has programmed you, and deprogramming doesn't come easy.0
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Leave. And stay gone.0
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Many of us have had similar experiences with our parents. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move out and keep your communication with your mother to a minimum. Once you move out, tell your mother you will only have a relationship with her if she is positive and supports you. Let her know, as soon as she is negative, you will leave her/hang up the phone/stop responding to texts, etc. That's what I did with my mother years ago. You will slowly gain control of the relationship.
Ironically, the reason why your mother treats you like she does is because she hates herself and she is jealous of you. She probably thinks you are more beautiful than her, have more to offer other people than she does. Her behavior towards you is common when people have low self-esteem. This is why she dates losers. She doesn't feel worthy of someone that will treat her properly. So, the only way she can feel better about herself is to make someone else (you) feel worse.
MFP is a great place to make new friends that will support you. Surround yourself in your life with positive people. Cut out the ones that bring you down. People want to be around happy/positive people. You may not have a lot of friends now, but you will once you project a happy and positive image of yourself. Removing the negative people from my life (or at least minimizing the amount of time they have access to you) was the only way I found that supported me being happy. It's tough in the beginning, but you will be amazed how much better you feel in a short time. I wish you the best.
This is so true. Especially the second paragraph.0 -
First, I wanted to say that I am really proud of how strong you are to tell a bunch of strangers what you're going through. And, to continue to put up with that - I can respectfully say you are a lot stronger than you know.
Second, I agree with most of the responses I've seen saying get councelling and move out.
I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, and felt like I was losing my mind. I went to see a wonderful therapist every few weeks. Eventually, I opened up to the people around me friends and my parents (who both told me I had no choice but to stay), and confided in them that I couldn't stay any longer. One of my good friends helped me get intouch with someone who could help me get out of that situation and eventually my parents came around and supported my decision.
Your life will change dramatically and significantly in the right direction, but I believe you need to get away.
Just know your beautiful, wonderful, strong, and have the support of everyone here. If you need anything, I'm sure any one of us would be more than willing to help you or to talk with you.0 -
Get counseling and move out.
My Mother was like this her whole life. Remember, God chooses your family. You chose your friends. Sending you a friend request and love and light.
Sunny0 -
bump0
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Oh man, I really feel for you. I have a horrible mother, too. Best thing I ever did was totally cut her out of my life. I left her with the proposition that IF she ever got counselling, perhaps then we could try to have a relationship...but unless that happened, I didn't want any contact with her. That was about 11 years ago, and I haven't spoken to her since. It's a shame, but whatever. I can't be healthy when she's part of my life in the state she's in, period. You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost.
:flowerforyou: 0 -
Get counseling and move out.
Both my parents are very abusive too, though in different ways. Counseling and cutting myself off from them was the only thing that help. I now have no contact with my father, which has been great, and I do not have an emotional relationship with my mother, although I do visit around the holidays. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes you have to love people from a distance.
I wholeheartedly agree!0 -
I haven't spoken to my mother in 7 years. They have been 7 of the happiest years of my life. Having somebody toxic in your life will always bring you down. No matter what their label is get rid of anybody who doesn't make your life better for having them in it.0
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Agreed - you have to move out but I agree with one poster who said you probably won't do this until you have hit rock bottom or are forced to act. Don't leave a forwarding address. She will likely try to reconnect with you - after all, her walking ATM is now gone. Close that door. These people never change. Here's another positive - when you don't have someone beating you down verbally and emotionally - your weight loss efforts seem a lot easier. Good luck and hopefully your next post is talking about your new apartment.
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I know some times on these forums people can be insensitive but I'm not trying to throw a pity party I just need maybe someone who understands.
I only grew up with my mother. It's always been her and I. She was horrible when I was growing up... called me every name under the sun, racial slurs (we are 2 different races) and every fat name you could think of. That was all I ever heard from her... she never said I was beautiful, smart or talented... everything was always how I was going to be a failure. Before evry dance, prom or something she always made sure to go into one of her *events* and make me feel like absolute *kitten* before I left the house.
When my grandparents passed away... before each of their funerals she would lash out and told me I should stay home because she didn't want to be seen with me. When we would go ou tin public she told me sometimes to not walk beside her
She would date losers. The last loser she dated she would let him say whatever he wanted to me and never defend me or tell him to stop. When he was mad at her, he would leave messages calling me horrible names... telling me how I ugly I was (he would never say anything about her)
I couldn't just go to other family members. She was and IS now the only family I have.
There were many times when the things she would say would kill me...... and I would say things back and we would even physically fight. I know it sounds horrible but there is only so much you can take but nobody knows how it feels to be verbally abused..... she was killing my spirit and it was making me sick.
My self esteem was/is extremely poor because of her. I hated how she made me feel.... I HATED that she knew what she was doing and never apologized.
Now I'm 25... she is the only family I have. I live with her and pay 95% of the bills. She is no different... the verbal abuse is there every day. She just no longer calls me fat....
I've never told anyone. I tried once telling my grandparents years ago but they never really believed me.
I remember everything she said and the looks on her face of just how much she hated me.
I'm a shy person and sometimes quiet....... I don't have a lot of friends or people to go too. I usually work, workout or read.
I don't know what to do
Hey there,
It sounds like your mother is very unhappy with herself, and that's why she has always treated you this way. One thing to remember: even though she takes it out on you, it's about HER, and not you. You've never done anything wrong -- it's just the fact that she needs someone to met out her abuse to.
This is her problem, not yours. She tries to bring you down because it's the only way she thinks it will make herself feel better. But it doesn't.
One thing to remember is that you need to separate yourself mentally from her. Show no emotion towards her. This is difficult because she's your mother and you want to, but in order to protect yourself emotionally, you might have to do that.
Also, you need to distance yourself from her as much as possible. If you can, I would start making a plan to move out. If you have a job, I would start saving for it.
It doesn't matter who takes care of her or who pays her bills - that's her job, not yours. In the end, you need to decide if you really want her in your life or not.
Good luck sweetie.0 -
Same problem here-but with added physical abuse and sexual abuse by her live in boyfriend. I moved out at 17. Don't feel guilty cause you pay her bills. Move out and change your phone number. Hang up if she calls, walk away if she shows up or call the police if you have to. The fact that she is your mother doesn't stop her from abusing you so don't feel guilty about your actions just because she is your mother. Do not look back. It took me 30+ years to deal with her without actually still being frightened by her bullying. I so wish I had gotten help years ago. There is so much more support available now-even on line. Look around and see that you are not alone. I always thought it was just me and that it was my fault. I really believe that some people are just born evil and what you need to take away from that relationship is to learn from it. Never let yourself be that way to anyone else. Be stong and every day wake up and think about what could be and not what was.0
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You're an adult now, love, and you can choose who gets to be a part of your life. You need to do what's best for yourself, and the hurt, scared little girl inside you. Get your own place and find some counseling services to help you process with what has happened. I would certainly make it clear to your mother why you are leaving, and that if she continues her behaviour she is not welcome in your life. Your mother needs to learn the lesson that she can't treat people however she wants and expect no repercussions - if you treat people like *kitten*, chances are the people in your life will leave you.0
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First of all, you HAVE to realize that this is your mother's problem- you have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Nothing.
Second, you have to know that you DO NOT have to endure her abuse just because she is your mother. Period.
With that said, you need to get away from her, both physically and mentally. You know that. And while that sounds easier to say than do, you CAN do it. It won't be easy. And it may take some time to plan and actually move out. But you have made the first step to remove yourself from her nastiness by reaching out to us, which, I'm sure was not easy. It is tough to admit you were treated so badly by the person who should love you the most and be your biggest cheerleader.
Please reach out to someone that will be able to help you get away from your mother. Anyone who hears what you have been enduring will want to help. I promise. I know you have spent your life trying to be invisible, but now you need to survive. And you will start thriving when you get away from the negativity and toxicity, although it won't be immediate. You've got 25 years of abuse to get over, and it is going to take some work.
Use every resource available to help heal yourself- friends (even new ones), co-workers, church members/clergy, therapists (yes, maybe more than one), self-help books (free at the library), and the internet. You will benefit in different ways from each of them. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the support you will get once you start reaching out. I wish I could hug you now!
Good luck. Hang in there. And feel free to "friend" me.0 -
be proud of yourself for speaking up on here. continue taking baby steps to participate in healthy, open dialogs with supportive people such as you've created here until you're ready to take your next step. go slowly. be kind to yourself.0
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First of all, you HAVE to realize that this is your mother's problem- you have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Nothing.
Second, you have to know that you DO NOT have to endure her abuse just because she is your mother. Period.
With that said, you need to get away from her, both physically and mentally. You know that. And while that sounds easier to say than do, you CAN do it. It won't be easy. And it may take some time to plan and actually move out. But you have made the first step to remove yourself from her nastiness by reaching out to us, which, I'm sure was not easy. It is tough to admit you were treated so badly by the person who should love you the most and be your biggest cheerleader.
Please reach out to someone that will be able to help you get away from your mother. Anyone who hears what you have been enduring will want to help. I promise. I know you have spent your life trying to be invisible, but now you need to survive. And you will start thriving when you get away from the negativity and toxicity, although it won't be immediate. You've got 25 years of abuse to get over, and it is going to take some work.
Use every resource available to help heal yourself- friends (even new ones), co-workers, church members/clergy, therapists (yes, maybe more than one), self-help books (free at the library), and the internet. You will benefit in different ways from each of them. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the support you will get once you start reaching out. I wish I could hug you now!
Good luck. Hang in there. And feel free to "friend" me.
well said. great advice!0 -
definitely on the counseling. it will help you get the strength to kick her to the curb and build your own life without guilt.0
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It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.0
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It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.
THIS. Any woman can gestate and push out a baby. But not every woman can be a mother. This woman is no mother.0 -
I had parents like that also, found a good website, daughters of narcisstic mothers. You cant change them, like everyone said you have to get away and distance yourself.0
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Sadly, I too have ''been there done that''
Grew up in a home of extreme emotional, physical and mental abuse by my mother, sexual abuse bt father.
It does impact you even as an adult!
Every child has the right to be loved, cherished, wanted.
You do nit need to be alone, feel free to friend me if you wish, and anything will remain confidential, assured.
IF at all possible, do seek counselling.
If at all possible move out?
My husband told me few years ago, that if I didn't ''let it go'' it would destroy me, it would destroy us. He was so right .I still have nightmares and I am long long gone and she is dead.
You are not alone and you are worthy and beautiful on the inside as well as the outside.
You have taken a very brave step, speaking out that is the hardest part, good luck
(((HUGS)))0 -
It might help to think of her not as your mother but as your birth vessel. The way she has treated you is not mothering, so she isn't your mother.
THIS. Any woman can gestate and push out a baby. But not every woman can be a mother. This woman is no mother.
that hit hard. People always assume we are so close because we are usually together... unfortunately I do not think our "togetherness" is ever by choice.
I find it hard just to get up and leave... we have our good days but the bad days make me forget everything. I want her in my life... but I think I only want her in my life because I literally have no one else...0 -
Get counseling and move out.
^^^^
This. You pay the bills so you can afford to. She is not your problem any more. And YES it happens to a lot of people. I have not spoken to my "mother" since 1987. I decided to make myself happy.
Family is not defined by blood to me. Family is anyone i care about and who cares about me. Period.
If your mother has not changed in all these years expecting the next 20 years to be different is just - well - delusional
People like that do not change. Well if you start packing she may either cry and promise to do better (tell her prove it first and still move out) or get angry at you and yell. Ok easy choice. Keep packing.
You are not not not not (did i say that enough) responsible to support her.
Counseling. Then you will be able to break free0 -
I can understand how the op and the others here feel as I grew up in a similar situation.
I am 24 and have been out of my mothers house for 3 years. My mother is very narcissistic and put myself and my 3 sisters down constantly while we were growing up. I think I had taken the emotional abuse the worst bc I am very different from my sisters. They are all living with her still (ages 25, 24, 17) and can accept her personality out of fear, I assume. I was there for her paying bills and rent while the others had temporarily left at different times. She became so controlling that I was happy to move out although very scared of the unknown and afraid of her still at that time. I had my own car, I was able to rent a room over an hour away from her and get a job to support myself. I decided to get counseling bc I had so much anger and hate built up inside towards my mothers mental abuse that i needed help dealing with it. I had always wanted to get counseling during my teenage years when the abuse seemed the worse. What kind of parent wants their own children to fail and not have a better life than they did? The counseling and miles between my family has helped a lot and I am glad that I escaped them! I don't communicate with any other family members either as they are in the same area as my immediate family.
I hope the op can get some help. Don't be afraid to be yourself and don't let anyone bring you down! You are beautiful and deserve respect. You can be independent and free of any horrible family. Yes, it sucks not having family but I would rather be without family and with new friends than be misersble, unhappy and have low self esteem.0 -
Your mother and mine seem to have a lot of similarity. It's time to tell her that either she is leaving or you are leaving, pick a date, and stick to it. I went through this same situation several times over the past decade and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. She is not allowed to be anywhere near myself or my children and we are all better for it. Love yourself enough to realize that you are better than that and that you CAN make a change and that you DON'T need her around.0
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I'm sorry about how your mother treats you
If you are able to, definitely move out and not help her financially what so ever. I know it may sound mean and she is family, but you deserve soooo much better than how she treated you and how she still treats you. Be the bigger person and just let her be who she is, but on her OWN. 0 -
I understand how hard it can be to move out in that kind of situation. It's a lot easier said than done.
I agree with this. It is easy to say move out. But not so easily done. It sounds like your mother has a mental illness. I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Will say a prayer for you and pray that you are able to move out soon and that she will get the help that she needs.0
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