Emotional affair-need advice!
Replies
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If you don't personally know the OP, then why would it be ****ty? You don't believe a female can drive a male away?maybe YOU drove him to it.
OUCH! :huh:
Yeah that's kind of sh***y!! Leave it to a guy to post that!
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If thats true then he should LEAVE and not CHEAT. Man up!0 -
You must talk to him. Only through an open line of communication you can find out what truly is going on. You need the truth in order to make a decision about what is right for you.0
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Divorce. It's obvious that he 's repeating the same pattern so nothing has changed. You have the right to be loved and not be toyed with emotionally. God bless. Pray on it and do what's best for you.0
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If a couple has been together for a long time, lots of times it's difficult to leave because of fear. I don't disagree with getting out if the issue doesn't seem it can be resolved, but for many who are in this situation, they have no idea on how to do it. Splitting up assets, who gets what, someone's got to live somewhere else, can they survive on just their own income..........
I completely agree with this statement....there's always three sides to these things...his, hers, and the actual truth!Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.
Point is, it's NOT always the guy.
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That being said though...sneaking around and cheating is a cowardly and crappy thing for anyone (man or woman) to do. When you've made a committment to someone, you should get out, or at least start the process of getting out, before getting involved with anyone else.
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maybe YOU drove him to it.
While I wouldn't put it this way....I will say this...
it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it...
so NO MATTER WHAT you choose to do...work it out, walk away and start fresh somewhere else (which is what I did, so i'm not talking out of my *kitten* here)...please please please....be circumspect and honest with yourself enough to admit that problems happened on both ends and there are parts of you that can be strengthened, bettered and improved upon...
all i'm sayin is...you have a right to be mad, but not holier than thou...that can wreck you for the next round (be it with him or someone else)0 -
If you don't personally know the OP, then why would it be ****ty? You don't believe a female can drive a male away?maybe YOU drove him to it.
OUCH! :huh:
Yeah that's kind of sh***y!! Leave it to a guy to post that!
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
If thats true then he should LEAVE and not CHEAT. Man up!
^^^^ Excellent response!!! What's with these guys taking it so personally and the nasty comments? We're all adults here. We both know that both men AND women cheat and treat each other badly in relationship. This isn't a man bashing thread. Jeeshhh...talk about over reacting!0 -
If you don't personally know the OP, then why would it be ****ty? You don't believe a female can drive a male away?maybe YOU drove him to it.
OUCH! :huh:
Yeah that's kind of sh***y!! Leave it to a guy to post that!
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's not ABOUT gender, and if it were the woman cheating, I'm willing to BET you'd put all the blame on "HER", even though men can drive women away TOO. Besides, she did not ASK whose fault it was. She ASKED how to HANDLE the situation. And you went ahead to incriminate the whole male gender by basically saying "Males have no self control. If we are unhappy in a relationship we can't HELP but to cheat and break a woman's heart.".
UM, how about if a guy is unhappy in a relationship, he takes an HONORABLE approach and either leaves the woman on better terms, or tries to work it out?0 -
If a couple has been together for a long time, lots of times it's difficult to leave because of fear. I don't disagree with getting out if the issue doesn't seem it can be resolved, but for many who are in this situation, they have no idea on how to do it. Splitting up assets, who gets what, someone's got to live somewhere else, can they survive on just their own income..........
I completely agree with this statement....there's always three sides to these things...his, hers, and the actual truth!Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.
Point is, it's NOT always the guy.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
That being said though...sneaking around and cheating is a cowardly and crappy thing for anyone (man or woman) to do. When you've made a committment to someone, you should get out, or at least start the process of getting out, before getting involved with anyone else.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Again I say MAN UP and LEAVE, dont cheat.0 -
Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.
Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)
I absolutely agree with what you are saying!!! I'm just in such shock and need to vent and figure out my feelings. This kinda hit me in the gut
I actually think that if you can get your "OMFG WTF ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!" out to people who don't matter first, you're in a better, more settled position to confront the person who actually matters when the time comes.
^^Yep. Get it out, process it, decide how you feel and what you want to say before you get into that emotional conversation. AND...know you're not alone. By posting stuff like this you have the chance to hear that it's happened to others (it has) and that they ended it (we did) and survived (phenomenally).0 -
Go to counseling individual( both of you) and couple counseling. Try to work it out. 17 years is a long time to be together.0
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Call the producers of "Maury" and "Cheaters"0
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If you don't personally know the OP, then why would it be ****ty? You don't believe a female can drive a male away?maybe YOU drove him to it.
OUCH! :huh:
Yeah that's kind of sh***y!! Leave it to a guy to post that!
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
If thats true then he should LEAVE and not CHEAT. Man up!
^^^^ Excellent response!!! What's with these guys taking it so personally and the nasty comments? We're all adults here. We both know that both men AND women cheat and treat each other badly in relationship. This isn't a man bashing thread. Jeeshhh...talk about over reacting!
I would guess by some of the responses they are justifying their own reasons for being unfaithful. There is absolutely no other reason to excuse or try to justify this type of behavior.0 -
None of us can tell you what to do because you will ultimately do what you want to do.
I can tell you what I would do, and personally, I would be on the phone with a divorce lawyer now (assuming you are married).0 -
If you don't personally know the OP, then why would it be ****ty? You don't believe a female can drive a male away?maybe YOU drove him to it.
OUCH! :huh:
Yeah that's kind of sh***y!! Leave it to a guy to post that!
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Hell yes!!
Some do it on purpose to be the victim and Damn that's annoying but she seems to be genuinely hurt by this.... maybe I feel for her because I was there once in my life and I treated him like a king!!! That's why I chalked it up to his loss not mine, I never put up with that crap again... that was 12yrs ago now.0 -
maybe YOU drove him to it.
Bitter much?0 -
Hmm. You said "relationship", not "marriage."
Sending the photos to his phone was a great idea.
At least it will spark a needed confrontation.
If you are not married, and have no assets in common, start making plans to go.
Love is not enough, if the partner has now proven twice he cannot be trusted.
If he begs and pleads to stay, then insist on counseling, on HIS nickel.
If he refuses, then you know what you have to do.0 -
cheaterville.com is a good site to go to....you can post a story about your husband...and it may bring out the ones hes been seeing or whatever.0
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i'd buy that once. not twice though.Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.
Point is, it's NOT always the guy.
and i'd say the same thing if the woman was cheating.0 -
Get out of the relationship. You may love him, but he clearly does not respect you enough. You can find better.
I agree with the first part. He definitely is not respecting you and the marriage at this point. You need to move out and get away from the situation. There are obviously issues that you both need to address. Maybe over time you will figure it out and things will ultimately work, but right now isn't that time.
Having gone through some similar things in life, I can only wish you the best in a tough time. Remember, while things can never be the same, the strength in you will help you get through to something new - with or without him
Thoughts and prayers.0 -
Look, I'm not condoning his behavior and I don't know how old this man is. However, I am 48 and by this age, you learn a few things. First of all, you haven't said if you and he were married. If, after 17 years you're not, why? Second, it is human nature to want to be attractive to others, especially after being in a relationship for that long. Are you taking good care of yourself and presenting your best self to him? Do you compliment him and make him feel like he is the only man in the world you are attracted to? These things are very important to men, yet most of them won't ever tell you. I wouldn't suggest dumping him....yet. Take all things into consideration. We don't know you or your man and there are two sides to every relationship. Be honest with yourself and really take a serious, hard look at your relationship...the last 17 years and what it is today. Are your needs being met and are you meeting his? If he is happy with you, he won't be interested in anyone else. If you are honestly doing all you can to make him happy and he still has other women on the brain...it's time to get out. Don't waste another day!0
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Look, I'm not condoning his behavior and I don't know how old this man is. However, I am 48 and by this age, you learn a few things. First of all, you haven't said if you and he were married. If, after 17 years you're not, why? Second, it is human nature to want to be attractive to others, especially after being in a relationship for that long. Are you taking good care of yourself and presenting your best self to him? Do you compliment him and make him feel like he is the only man in the world you are attracted to? These things are very important to men, yet most of them won't ever tell you. I wouldn't suggest dumping him....yet. Take all things into consideration. We don't know you or your man and there are two sides to every relationship. Be honest with yourself and really take a serious, hard look at your relationship...the last 17 years and what it is today. Are your needs being met and are you meeting his? If he is happy with you, he won't be interested in anyone else. If you are honestly doing all you can to make him happy and he still has other women on the brain...it's time to get out. Don't waste another day!
why? cause not everyone wants to get married...
i have never wanted to be married...it has nothing to do with my love...and everything to do with I just don't care about the idea of being married...
not being married doesn't imply a problem....it just doesn't.0 -
That's a really tough one. Since it is his second go round he must not have learned anything the first time. I would sit him down for one final time to find out what the problem is. If there is nothing wrong within your own relationship that you can work on then I would call it quits and start fresh with someone that "deserves" you. You deserve nothing short of total commitment and fidelity from the one you are married to. All bets are off when the commitment and the ability to trust is gone. So sorry you have to endure this. Emotional affairs are just as bad as the actual thing. By confiding in another you rob your spouse and yourself the opportunity to create a very close and meaningful bond. :frown:0
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If a couple has been together for a long time, lots of times it's difficult to leave because of fear. I don't disagree with getting out if the issue doesn't seem it can be resolved, but for many who are in this situation, they have no idea on how to do it. Splitting up assets, who gets what, someone's got to live somewhere else, can they survive on just their own income..........
This whole thing seems to have come as a bit of a surprise to the OP. So, her SO hasn't made much of an effort to even let her know that he is unahappy, feeling unloved, ignored and mistreated...if he is.
How about a heads up at the very least? You don't have to leave to say, "You treat me badly. If I can't get what I need from you, I think I should be able to look elsewhere for it. And I might."
Saying the OP may have driven her SO to this really just goes out of the way to paint him as though he has no agency.
Honestly, if I said my employee stole from me, would anybody say, "Maybe you drove them to it. Possibly by not paying them enough." If somebody did that, wouldn't most people assume that person was a thief? It's just such a left field thing to say.0 -
Sounds like he has been a dog from day one.
On behalf of dogs everywhere, I am offended! Woof!
As far as my advice: If you're okay with him cheating on you again after this, then by all means stay with him. If you aren't willing to forgive him when he cheats again, then you should leave.0 -
Go to counseling individual( both of you) and couple counseling. Try to work it out. 17 years is a long time to be together.
Second worst reason to stay together right after "for the children". If he's a dog or the two of you are unhappy, you've already danced this dance for 17 years. End it now so that you can spend the next 17 doing what's good and happy making for yourselves.0 -
Check out this site http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ it may help you discover some of the why's of what he is doing. She references how married men will sometimes want this ego boost and go about finding "lost loves" or childhood sweethearts to rekindle with...not for the purpose of leaving their currrent wife but to make themselves feel better. As others have said this "problem" may not ever go away but you should remember to take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. If you think counseling will help then try it but if you would be better off on your own without the drama and worry then find a way to make that happen. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.0
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Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.
Point is, it's NOT always the guy.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
I completely agree with this. There is always two sides to the story. Sometimes the other side is the GUY is truely a cheating *kitten*. However, I have known men devoted to their wives who worked hard and went out of their way to show them love only to be mentally and emotionally abused and be cheated on. Too the point he found comfort elsewhere.0 -
Look, I'm not condoning his behavior and I don't know how old this man is. However, I am 48 and by this age, you learn a few things. First of all, you haven't said if you and he were married. If, after 17 years you're not, why? Second, it is human nature to want to be attractive to others, especially after being in a relationship for that long. Are you taking good care of yourself and presenting your best self to him? Do you compliment him and make him feel like he is the only man in the world you are attracted to? These things are very important to men, yet most of them won't ever tell you. I wouldn't suggest dumping him....yet. Take all things into consideration. We don't know you or your man and there are two sides to every relationship. Be honest with yourself and really take a serious, hard look at your relationship...the last 17 years and what it is today. Are your needs being met and are you meeting his? If he is happy with you, he won't be interested in anyone else. If you are honestly doing all you can to make him happy and he still has other women on the brain...it's time to get out. Don't waste another day!
why? cause not everyone wants to get married...
i have never wanted to be married...it has nothing to do with my love...and everything to do with I just don't care about the idea of being married...
not being married doesn't imply a problem....it just doesn't.
Just wondered...trying to get a bit more info. Wondering why this guy doesn't just leave if he wants other women. Sometimes men stay and cheat because they don't want to get taken to the cleaners!0 -
Defiantly this!!!!!!His actions do not support his promises.....boot his *kitten* out.0 -
Yes, I'm sure this is very true and a very difficult situation to be in. It usually takes two to make or break any relationship. My gym buddy and I were having this very conversation just this morning....a friend of hers is married with a new baby and she's been really cold and emasculating towards her husband more or less since the time she found out she was pregnant (a year ago). I actually said "it sounds like she's going to drive him to leave or cheat if she's not careful"..... Without REALLY knowing the OP's or her partner's actions or behavior in the relationship....none of us can really make any informed judgement, so its wrong to assume he's the devil and she's an angel who has done nothing wrong.
If a couple has been together for a long time, lots of times it's difficult to leave because of fear. I don't disagree with getting out if the issue doesn't seem it can be resolved, but for many who are in this situation, they have no idea on how to do it. Splitting up assets, who gets what, someone's got to live somewhere else, can they survive on just their own income..........
I completely agree with this statement....there's always three sides to these things...his, hers, and the actual truth!Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.
Point is, it's NOT always the guy.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
That being said though...sneaking around and cheating is a cowardly and crappy thing for anyone (man or woman) to do. When you've made a committment to someone, you should get out, or at least start the process of getting out, before getting involved with anyone else.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
The only thing I will say is that without trust, you have nothing, and he's already done this to her at least the one time that she knows about. Regardless of who is to blame...perhaps both of them would be better off without each other. :ohwell:0
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