Emotional affair-need advice!

That's a really tough one. Since it is his second go round he must not have learned anything the first time. I would sit him down for one final time to find out what the problem is. If there is nothing wrong within your own relationship that you can work on then I would call it quits and start fresh with someone that "deserves" you. You deserve nothing short of total commitment and fidelity from the one you are married to. All bets are off when the commitment and the ability to trust is gone. So sorry you have to endure this. Emotional affairs are just as bad as the actual thing. By confiding in another you rob your spouse and yourself the opportunity to create a very close and meaningful bond. :frown:

Sounds like he has been a dog from day one.

On behalf of dogs everywhere, I am offended! Woof!

As far as my advice: If you're okay with him cheating on you again after this, then by all means stay with him. If you aren't willing to forgive him when he cheats again, then you should leave.

Check out this site http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ it may help you discover some of the why's of what he is doing. She references how married men will sometimes want this ego boost and go about finding "lost loves" or childhood sweethearts to rekindle with...not for the purpose of leaving their currrent wife but to make themselves feel better. As others have said this "problem" may not ever go away but you should remember to take care of YOURSELF first and foremost. If you think counseling will help then try it but if you would be better off on your own without the drama and worry then find a way to make that happen. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

Look, I'm not condoning his behavior and I don't know how old this man is. However, I am 48 and by this age, you learn a few things. First of all, you haven't said if you and he were married. If, after 17 years you're not, why? Second, it is human nature to want to be attractive to others, especially after being in a relationship for that long. Are you taking good care of yourself and presenting your best self to him? Do you compliment him and make him feel like he is the only man in the world you are attracted to? These things are very important to men, yet most of them won't ever tell you. I wouldn't suggest dumping him....yet. Take all things into consideration. We don't know you or your man and there are two sides to every relationship. Be honest with yourself and really take a serious, hard look at your relationship...the last 17 years and what it is today. Are your needs being met and are you meeting his? If he is happy with you, he won't be interested in anyone else. If you are honestly doing all you can to make him happy and he still has other women on the brain...it's time to get out. Don't waste another day!

why? cause not everyone wants to get married...

i have never wanted to be married...it has nothing to do with my love...and everything to do with I just don't care about the idea of being married...

not being married doesn't imply a problem....it just doesn't.

Just wondered...trying to get a bit more info. Wondering why this guy doesn't just leave if he wants other women. Sometimes men stay and cheat because they don't want to get taken to the cleaners!

Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.

Point is, it's NOT always the guy.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I completely agree with this statement....there's always three sides to these things...his, hers, and the actual truth!

That being said though...sneaking around and cheating is a cowardly and crappy thing for anyone (man or woman) to do. When you've made a committment to someone, you should get out, or at least start the process of getting out, before getting involved with anyone else.

If a couple has been together for a long time, lots of times it's difficult to leave because of fear. I don't disagree with getting out if the issue doesn't seem it can be resolved, but for many who are in this situation, they have no idea on how to do it. Splitting up assets, who gets what, someone's got to live somewhere else, can they survive on just their own income..........

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Yes, I'm sure this is very true and a very difficult situation to be in. It usually takes two to make or break any relationship. My gym buddy and I were having this very conversation just this morning....a friend of hers is married with a new baby and she's been really cold and emasculating towards her husband more or less since the time she found out she was pregnant (a year ago). I actually said "it sounds like she's going to drive him to leave or cheat if she's not careful"..... Without REALLY knowing the OP's or her partner's actions or behavior in the relationship....none of us can really make any informed judgement, so its wrong to assume he's the devil and she's an angel who has done nothing wrong.

The only thing I will say is that without trust, you have nothing, and he's already done this to her at least the one time that she knows about. Regardless of who is to blame...perhaps both of them would be better off without each other. :ohwell:

Whether or not he has done anything with these women or just "sexted", its still wrong.
He has gone waaaay over the line.

If you think you can fix the relationship, then by all means try, but be prepared for a breakup.

awww, FFS...she deactivated already????

Since I'm sure she's still reading using her normal login...please be advised:

If you're going to make a fake account to post a story, at least keep the account active long enough for the thread to run its course :grumble:

I've been in a relationship 17 years. I do love this man, as any couple we've had our ups and downs. Probably about 5 years ago he was in a period where he was drinking too much and was sending horrible messages to a woman that works in our same organization about wanting to meet for you know what. As you probably figured out, I found out. Huge heart to hearts and drinking stopped and we rebuilt and moved on.
Fast forward to today. I find messages on his phone from his high school sweetheart. Asking her to call at 0100. I was at work. Next email he said what a sexy voice she had. Another said that she has the best you know what's he's ever seen.....hands down. Now I know she lives hours away.......but how do I handle this situation??? Thanks for listening!!!!!!!

He's cheating on you, sexting is cheating. Do you what a relationship that you always have to monitor his phone and emails to see what he's up to? I couldn't live with that level of mistrust. I'd leave him and move on!

That this is cheating is YOUR opinion. The OP may, or may not, agree. For example, I've been with the same woman now for 8 years, 3 of them married to her. We have a good and strong relationship and keep nothing from one another. We both agree that if you have sex with another person, that's cheating. Cybersex...it's more like "Choose Your Own Adventure" porn. She can look at a guy and tell me he's damn hot...and I can do the same with women.

For anyone, it's nice...no...Wonderful...to be able to talk with another person and hear that they would love to have you. It's an enormous ego boost to hear that somone covets your body, and as far as ANYONE on the subject knows...that's what he is doing. Getting an ego boost.

Not sure about the rest of you, but if I'm in a funk, nothing cheers me up like hearing someone want to ride me until the saddle breaks and the shoes fall off.

I guess what I'm saying, is...

To the OP : I get and I understand your need to vent and let it out. Great Idea before you actually talk to him. Try to keep in mind that 5 years after his last problems with drinking, you're still going through his phone. If, five years later, my wife was still rooting through my stuff...I would do something just because she's obviously never gonna trust me and yes...I would do it out of pure bitterness.

To everyone else : There have been some really good responses, and some...not so good, then some, down-right ignorant. Those of you that are advising in short little comments like this...

"Get out of the relationship." or "He's a cheating loser."

You're basically sabotaging the OP's marriage. STFU.

Think about it.....these are the things you found out about. How much do you think there is that you haven't found out about. He is neither faithful nor loyal and you deserve much better.

NO MORE POST TROLL


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