Emotional affair-need advice!
Replies
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There a lots of women that aren't happy with their relationships, but stay in it. I know because I've gotten to hear it from them during sessions over the years. Some have left, some haven't. But of the ones that didn't leave, it was because of children, income, fear, etc.UM, how about if a guy is unhappy in a relationship, he takes an HONORABLE approach and either leaves the woman on better terms, or tries to work it out?
A guy being unhappy in a relationship doesn't always means he wants out. He may not be very well a communication (lots of men aren't) and may not know how to express how he really feels.
Long relationships are hard to get out of. Think of your parents if they had a long relationship, then you find out that your dad did this. Think it'd be easy for you mom to just bail out? I know if it happened to my parents, it'd would be tough for either.
In retrospect, if the person is a flat out cheater and not committed, then I'd expect she should move on. But again, we only know one side of the story.
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Whether or not he has done anything with these women or just "sexted", its still wrong.
He has gone waaaay over the line.
If you think you can fix the relationship, then by all means try, but be prepared for a breakup.0 -
Hearing one side of a story and making suggestions on it is being subjective and not objective. To be objective, we'd need to hear his side.
Why? Well, it could well be he is a flat out cheater, or like a friend of mine who was very devoted to his wife, he got tired of being ignored/mentally abused by his wife and found comfort and speaking with another female who thought he was a good guy.
Point is, it's NOT always the guy.
Cheating and stepping outside a relationship is always the fault of the person who does it. It doesn't matter what the situation is, that is the choice the person having the affair or one night stand makes. They can give every excuse in the book of why the other person is to blame, but it still doesn't justify it, which is all they are trying to do.
If you are unhappy to a degree you want someone else, leave....or be a cheater. While the situations are all shades of gray, the act is black and white.0 -
awww, FFS...she deactivated already????
Since I'm sure she's still reading using her normal login...please be advised:
If you're going to make a fake account to post a story, at least keep the account active long enough for the thread to run its course :grumble:0 -
17 years
"Don't let man seperate what God has united".
This is all up to you, it's easy for me to say leave! I don't know your life or his so all I can say is This is all up to you!0 -
I've been in a relationship 17 years. I do love this man, as any couple we've had our ups and downs. Probably about 5 years ago he was in a period where he was drinking too much and was sending horrible messages to a woman that works in our same organization about wanting to meet for you know what. As you probably figured out, I found out. Huge heart to hearts and drinking stopped and we rebuilt and moved on.
Fast forward to today. I find messages on his phone from his high school sweetheart. Asking her to call at 0100. I was at work. Next email he said what a sexy voice she had. Another said that she has the best you know what's he's ever seen.....hands down. Now I know she lives hours away.......but how do I handle this situation??? Thanks for listening!!!!!!!
He's cheating on you, sexting is cheating. Do you what a relationship that you always have to monitor his phone and emails to see what he's up to? I couldn't live with that level of mistrust. I'd leave him and move on!
That this is cheating is YOUR opinion. The OP may, or may not, agree. For example, I've been with the same woman now for 8 years, 3 of them married to her. We have a good and strong relationship and keep nothing from one another. We both agree that if you have sex with another person, that's cheating. Cybersex...it's more like "Choose Your Own Adventure" porn. She can look at a guy and tell me he's damn hot...and I can do the same with women.
For anyone, it's nice...no...Wonderful...to be able to talk with another person and hear that they would love to have you. It's an enormous ego boost to hear that somone covets your body, and as far as ANYONE on the subject knows...that's what he is doing. Getting an ego boost.
Not sure about the rest of you, but if I'm in a funk, nothing cheers me up like hearing someone want to ride me until the saddle breaks and the shoes fall off.
I guess what I'm saying, is...
To the OP : I get and I understand your need to vent and let it out. Great Idea before you actually talk to him. Try to keep in mind that 5 years after his last problems with drinking, you're still going through his phone. If, five years later, my wife was still rooting through my stuff...I would do something just because she's obviously never gonna trust me and yes...I would do it out of pure bitterness.
To everyone else : There have been some really good responses, and some...not so good, then some, down-right ignorant. Those of you that are advising in short little comments like this...
"Get out of the relationship." or "He's a cheating loser."
You're basically sabotaging the OP's marriage. STFU.0 -
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Think about it.....these are the things you found out about. How much do you think there is that you haven't found out about. He is neither faithful nor loyal and you deserve much better.0
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Everyone realizes that this is a TROLL topic right? The OP joined this month, and has already deactivated her account after posting. Just trying to stir up crap. :huh: :grumble:
:mad: :explode: 0 -
NO MORE POST TROLL
Troll0 -
Does nobody recognize this as a troll? OP has had four posts, all in this thread, and now has discontinued their account. Doh!0
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I went through this with my ex husband. He did it once, i forgave and we moved one. The second time I left. It will continue.0
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If you don't personally know the OP, then why would it be ****ty? You don't believe a female can drive a male away?maybe YOU drove him to it.
OUCH! :huh:
Yeah that's kind of sh***y!! Leave it to a guy to post that!
Away, yes. to cheating? No. Cheating is a choice. and it's the cheater's fault. period. If you're not happy in your relationship, get out and try elsewhere. You can't have relational extracurriculars.0 -
How awful for you. I feel sick thinking about it. I can't offer any advice I'm afraid as thankfully, I have not been in your position- not knowing about it anyway.
Dig deep to find out what you really want and need. See your friends. Do not blame yourself and best of luck with it.
I do think you deserve better though from the sounds of it.
Lots of love to you xxxx0 -
Everyone realizes that this is a TROLL topic right? The OP joined this month, and has already deactivated her account after posting. Just trying to stir up crap. :huh: :grumble: :mad: :explode:
This might be a long time member who created a throw away account to ask for advice then deleted it when she got mostly advice to end the relationship or speculation that her SO's behavior was her fault.0 -
Talk to HIM. You've been together 17 years so you know communication is key. Perhaps after, you will decide on counseling or divorce. But seriously, what is a bunch of strangers going to really be able to tell you? The best advice is to keep your relationship issues "in house"...or at least go see a counselor.
Sharing your personal issues with him with a bunch of strangers isn't really going to do you any good. We don't know the whole story and what we tell you could be something that you really shouldn't take to heart. Also, I'm sure he'd be pissed if he found out and if this "messaging" turned out to be nothing...then this post would end up being the something that causes an argument (if he found out...which, though to point out, if you want honesty, you should also be able to return.)
UMMMM!... Whether it turns out to be nothing is beside the fact. The FACT is he is WRONG. And to note, do ANY of us know their identities? A RESOUNDING NOOOO!!.....did u take the time to consider that possibly this was her nearest avenue for expression at the time? did u notice the time of the post? Im sure there are pretty wise persons on here, like myself, who can offer good advice, and we're strangers.... Yes she should go see a counselor.... however isnt a counselor intially also a Stranger...and their views and advice will be based on what she expresses?.... and for the record I am in the field of counseling, professionally. And im sure there are other perons on here who have had similar experiences who can offer support and advice. So the next time u come down on someone who is obviously hurting and in need of help at the moment, consider all the reasons behind it.
Now to my advice: ( to the poster and anyone else in simalar situations)
Your partner is being highly inappropriate. It is clear that the relationship has trust issues. Since he has violated your trust in the past, it seems that you still have lingering feasr. For you to find these messages means you went looking for something. A relationship without trust is UNHEALTHY.... I know because I was in one. My partner also violated my trust some time ago, and i too continously snooped into his messages etc. My advice is for you to address the situation with him., Let him know how you feel. If he is willing , go see a counselor. If he is not, you cannot allow a man to disregard your feelings. YOU SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THIS.
You need to also *kitten* what contribution you may have had to the situation. I am not condoning his behaviour or saying that you may the reason he is doing this, however it is possible that something is lacking in the relationship, and the both of you need to identify it and adress it.
All the best!0 -
If we're talking strictly about the act, then yes it's black and white. Maybe that's why the divorce rate is so high.Cheating and stepping outside a relationship is always the fault of the person who does it. It doesn't matter what the situation is, that is the choice the person having the affair or one night stand makes. They can give every excuse in the book of why the other person is to blame, but it still doesn't justify it, which is all they are trying to do.
If you are unhappy to a degree you want someone else, leave....or be a cheater. While the situations are all shades of gray, the act is black and white.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Lol, there are sexual innuendos made on this site daily. If a spouse saw their SO's posting of it, would it be cheating?I've been in a relationship 17 years. I do love this man, as any couple we've had our ups and downs. Probably about 5 years ago he was in a period where he was drinking too much and was sending horrible messages to a woman that works in our same organization about wanting to meet for you know what. As you probably figured out, I found out. Huge heart to hearts and drinking stopped and we rebuilt and moved on.
Fast forward to today. I find messages on his phone from his high school sweetheart. Asking her to call at 0100. I was at work. Next email he said what a sexy voice she had. Another said that she has the best you know what's he's ever seen.....hands down. Now I know she lives hours away.......but how do I handle this situation??? Thanks for listening!!!!!!!
He's cheating on you, sexting is cheating. Do you what a relationship that you always have to monitor his phone and emails to see what he's up to? I couldn't live with that level of mistrust. I'd leave him and move on!
That this is cheating is YOUR opinion. The OP may, or may not, agree. For example, I've been with the same woman now for 8 years, 3 of them married to her. We have a good and strong relationship and keep nothing from one another. We both agree that if you have sex with another person, that's cheating. Cybersex...it's more like "Choose Your Own Adventure" porn. She can look at a guy and tell me he's damn hot...and I can do the same with women.
For anyone, it's nice...no...Wonderful...to be able to talk with another person and hear that they would love to have you. It's an enormous ego boost to hear that somone covets your body, and as far as ANYONE on the subject knows...that's what he is doing. Getting an ego boost.
Not sure about the rest of you, but if I'm in a funk, nothing cheers me up like hearing someone want to ride me until the saddle breaks and the shoes fall off.
I guess what I'm saying, is...
To the OP : I get and I understand your need to vent and let it out. Great Idea before you actually talk to him. Try to keep in mind that 5 years after his last problems with drinking, you're still going through his phone. If, five years later, my wife was still rooting through my stuff...I would do something just because she's obviously never gonna trust me and yes...I would do it out of pure bitterness.
To everyone else : There have been some really good responses, and some...not so good, then some, down-right ignorant. Those of you that are advising in short little comments like this...
"Get out of the relationship." or "He's a cheating loser."
You're basically sabotaging the OP's marriage. STFU.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
17 years is a long time. This will not be a popular sentiment on this site but, to me, it seems silly to junk a 20 year relationship over one or two screw-ups. There is a thought that the grass is always greener, but it actually usually isn't. Sounds to me like your fella gets a seven-to-ten year itch which he scratches and then ultimately returns home. So I think you have to ask yourself whether that's something you can tolerate given all of the benefits that this person brings to your life. This isn't a question that anyone on this site or any other outsider can answer for you. YOU need to look inward and figure it out.
If the answer is no, then you should move on. The arrangement that you have (while it works for him) does not work for you.
If the answer is yes, then you should discuss this with him and set boundaries around what is and isn't ok for him to be doing.
Worst (best?) case scenario, you use this is motivation to lose a bunch of weight, get into rockin' shape and post nekkid pix on the site for us to marvel at!
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Dump him and move on, you are worth more than this and you know it.0
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Or it could be just talk. Men do that **** a lot too.Just wondered...trying to get a bit more info. Wondering why this guy doesn't just leave if he wants other women. Sometimes men stay and cheat because they don't want to get taken to the cleaners!
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Cut your losses and move forward.0
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Lol, I doubt any couple knows EVERYTHING about each other.Think about it.....these are the things you found out about. How much do you think there is that you haven't found out about. He is neither faithful nor loyal and you deserve much better.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Definitely move on.... 17 years is a lot of time to have invested in someone who will betray you this way (more than once, from what you wrote). It will keep happening and a lifetime of this would be way worse..... I have a family member who is in a marriage 30+ years and so very unhappy but won't leave... I say being alone is better. I was a young widow - hated every minute of it but 13 years later found love again. Find yourself in doing something that makes you happy and then a new relationship will come along. You deserve better than what you have going on right now..... take care......0
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my gf did this to me about every 6 months...she was constantly doing this and stating it was all just a game and they mean nothing..when that wasnt true...even though he isnt doing anything physical with her right now; but what if he has with someone else that you dont know about...im sure there are a few that you dont know about...if it was his first time that would be a different story but this is his atleast 2nd time...you shouldnt have to live your life with someone else who is only spending half of their life with you..i wish you the best of luck...0
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Let him go. He obviously doesn't love or respect you. At this point, you should know that he has not changed. You've already wasted 17 yrs with him. Don't let him take any more valuable years from your life. It's time to move on.0
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Or it could be just talk. Men do that **** a lot too.Just wondered...trying to get a bit more info. Wondering why this guy doesn't just leave if he wants other women. Sometimes men stay and cheat because they don't want to get taken to the cleaners!
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
veryyy very true..0 -
Try polyamory.0
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Ask yourself if you want this man. Answer honestly. If no end it. If yes have a conversation with him that goes like - You know that if you were ever unfaithful to me you would be out. Don'tlet on that you suspect. Then wait and see. If he doesn't change he doesn't want you enough.
It won't help you to catch him having affair there will be no winners. You need to maintain your dignity.0 -
Wait, you just joined MFP less than 8 days ago and you are asking perfect strangers to assess your relationship of 17 years???
T R O L L
:grumble:
Did you ever stop to think maybe she doesn't have anywhere else to turn!!!:mad:
If you don't like what you read DON'T comment!!!!
Agree~! Amen!0
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