Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

So much has been said to the OP already, I don't have much to add. But, I will say that starting your post with "women listen up," got you slapped right out of the gate.

Not all women are like your wife and your wife is not like all women. We are all individuals with our own needs, feelings, insecurities and so on. Why do you feel it's ok to lecture us all based on the experiences you have had with your wife? Are you, at 27yo, an expert on the female psyche? Doubtful.

Women are pressure all day, every day to look, feel and perform a certain way. It's all around us in the media, in the workplace, in our homes and in our personal lives. Men can't possibly understand how we internalize this bombardment because it's not something that you have had to encounter first hand. And this is just at face value. We don't actually know if there are any experiences your wife has had in the past that is exasperating the issue.

Now, before everyone jumps on me, I'm not saying that all women care about the noise. I'm just saying it is there and something we need to process, for good or for bad. And I'm not saying men can't be empathetic or supportive, because they can. There's a number of awesome posts on this board from men who clearly get it and want to help.

+1

Let me first say that this may get me a strike, but I don't care.

Little man, you got a lot to learn. As a grown-*kitten* woman who is head of my household and confident in who I am as a human being, I found just your title horribly offensive. "Listen up?" Why should I listen to you? What makes you the expert in a woman's self confidence? What makes you the expert in what I should do with MINE? Telling all women they should "listen up" is your first mistake. It makes you sound like a jerk.

As for your wife's self confidence, I'm afraid you're showing your inexperience and young age here. LEAVE HER ALONE. If she wants to wear baggy clothes and put her hair up, THIS IS HER DECISION. THIS IS NOT UP TO YOU. Let her wear what she wants when she wants. She doesn't like compliments. Regardless of why, have you ever thought that maybe that's not her love language, aka what she needs to feel loved? Personally, my love language is physical touch. Maybe hers is gifts? You ever think to ask?

Using the word "positive reinforcement" when referring to the way you speak to your wife makes you sound controlling. It's nasty. She's not a puppy you're training.

Don't get me started on the hairband thing.

What you should try instead is just being supportive. I'm having a "fat" day or I don't feel attractive, guess what my fiance does. He tells me "Baby, I love you no matter what". He puts up with it. That's what you sometimes have to do when you're a dude.

Self-confidence comes from within. It's not something that can be forced on you or demanded of you by your husband. If you were mine, I'd have tossed you a long time ago. It's unfortunate that your wife is so young and has a lot of life lessons to learn herself.

I would rather my wife be 10 lbs heavier and feel sexy, than 10lbs lighter and feel pathetic. She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do. Thats not to say I want her to gain 50lbs, because I dont, but I do want her to feel good about herself.

I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.

It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying. I still do because I think everyone needs positive reinforcement, and part of me just feels like saying nice things anyway.

One of the biggest places in my opinion, and most men can probably agree with me on this, that is affected by the self image problems is intimacy settings. Having your wife being hung up some self image problem while your trying to be intimate is extremely annoying and frustrating, might I add even selfish on her part. I am trying to express my love in the most sincere and sacred of ways that I have vowed not to share with anyone else, and she is worried about being fat, or not pretty enough.

an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. A lot of this is just transposed on to me in such a way that she is asking me what I think. I realized about a year ago that to a degree, it really didn't matter what I thought at all.

So how can this be fixed?

I thought his post was awesome. Kudos OP.