Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up
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So much has been said to the OP already, I don't have much to add. But, I will say that starting your post with "women listen up," got you slapped right out of the gate.
Not all women are like your wife and your wife is not like all women. We are all individuals with our own needs, feelings, insecurities and so on. Why do you feel it's ok to lecture us all based on the experiences you have had with your wife? Are you, at 27yo, an expert on the female psyche? Doubtful.
Women are pressure all day, every day to look, feel and perform a certain way. It's all around us in the media, in the workplace, in our homes and in our personal lives. Men can't possibly understand how we internalize this bombardment because it's not something that you have had to encounter first hand. And this is just at face value. We don't actually know if there are any experiences your wife has had in the past that is exasperating the issue.
Now, before everyone jumps on me, I'm not saying that all women care about the noise. I'm just saying it is there and something we need to process, for good or for bad. And I'm not saying men can't be empathetic or supportive, because they can. There's a number of awesome posts on this board from men who clearly get it and want to help.
+1
+2 Paige knows!0 -
I can't be the only one who thinks this post was written by a *kitten* of a man can I??
You said that looking presentable is important to your wife....then you criticise her for tying her hair back and putting on baggy clothes?? Is she not allowed to dress comfortably?? Did it ever cross your mind that maybe she would like to relax once in a while??
Most men have absolutely no idea what it takes to keep yourself in pristine condition. Where a man just has a shower and shave, a woman will have to do 10 times that amount. I don't wear a lot of makeup.... I prefer the natural girl-next-door look..... but to achieve it I still have to get up over an hour earlier than my fiance. Where he will take 10minutes in the shower.... it will take me 35 mins.
If you're at all remotely interested in hearing a woman's point of view:
Wash face
Shampoo hair
condition hair
shave arms
shave legs
bikini line
scrub legs
Body wash
Then dry off.... then....
Moisturise
Dry hair
style hair
tweeze eyebrows
apply makeup
This is a DAILY ritual. You have of course, got the weekly / monthly rituals too: such as colouring your hair, getting your nails done, tanning etc....Quite frankly a couple of days off a week would be wonderful !!.... I once didn't shave my legs for 2 days as I was feeling a little down in the dumps from that time of the month, and my fiance made a joke about my legs feeling like sandpaper..... It made me feel like absolute crap and made me feel even more miserable. I suspect sub-consciously this is what your wife is going through!!
Perhaps your wife's low self esteem issues is actually caused by you..... probably by making her feel that her being herself is not good enough and that she has to be presentable to you every second of the day. The way you can help her is by not being the cause of her self doubt!!
As for your wife being selfish in the bedroom because she lacks self-confidence?? Maybe she's just not into doing certain things in the bedroom! Not all girls want to rodeo their man, and news flash.... those women in all those porn films you men seem to be obssessed with are just acting! Most girls don't scream like that!
I know a lot of people who can't take compliments.... it's called being humble and not big headed! I've been told I have beautiful hair.... that doesn't mean I want to spend an hour taming it each morning just to please someone else! If my fiance threw away my hairbands because he wanted me to wear my hair down, I'd leave him! That's controlling behaviour, but I don't think I need to convince anyone of that.... it's all over your post! By the sounds of it, you're lucky you even have a wife.0 -
Question. If you call yourself "names" and bully yourself.... do you say the same thing to others? Such as..."look how fat she is".. or "that dude is UGLY". If the answer is no..then why treat yourself like crap?
If someone says "I'm fat" or "I'm ugly" or "insert any negativity self-bashing statement here". I probably would just agree with them. Mostly because....if you can't love yourself first... who else will?0 -
Let me first say that this may get me a strike, but I don't care.
Little man, you got a lot to learn. As a grown-*kitten* woman who is head of my household and confident in who I am as a human being, I found just your title horribly offensive. "Listen up?" Why should I listen to you? What makes you the expert in a woman's self confidence? What makes you the expert in what I should do with MINE? Telling all women they should "listen up" is your first mistake. It makes you sound like a jerk.
As for your wife's self confidence, I'm afraid you're showing your inexperience and young age here. LEAVE HER ALONE. If she wants to wear baggy clothes and put her hair up, THIS IS HER DECISION. THIS IS NOT UP TO YOU. Let her wear what she wants when she wants. She doesn't like compliments. Regardless of why, have you ever thought that maybe that's not her love language, aka what she needs to feel loved? Personally, my love language is physical touch. Maybe hers is gifts? You ever think to ask?
Using the word "positive reinforcement" when referring to the way you speak to your wife makes you sound controlling. It's nasty. She's not a puppy you're training.
Don't get me started on the hairband thing.
What you should try instead is just being supportive. I'm having a "fat" day or I don't feel attractive, guess what my fiance does. He tells me "Baby, I love you no matter what". He puts up with it. That's what you sometimes have to do when you're a dude.
Self-confidence comes from within. It's not something that can be forced on you or demanded of you by your husband. If you were mine, I'd have tossed you a long time ago. It's unfortunate that your wife is so young and has a lot of life lessons to learn herself.0 -
I don't think you meant anything by saying "make yourself presentable". Maybe you should have worded it differently though. A woman should take pride in her appearance no matter what size or weight she is (I did when I was 300 and pregnant, and I do now, 105 lbs. slimmer). If she looks beautiful in a t-shirt and jeans, and her hair pulled back, and feels comfortable, let her do so. Encourage her, tell her what you like. (I think you look so beautiful with your hair down, would you wear it that way for me when go out tonight? Either way, up or down, you are beautiful to me) Maybe you could buy her some pretty hair clips if she likes wearing her hair in a ponytail or up. Hair styles can be elegant worn up and with pretty pins, clips, or bands. You are a wonderful man for loving your wife the way she is. Hair isn't worth arguing about, and it sounds like you married her knowing this is her style. As far as a trophy goes, you did win the prize when you married a great woman who loves you for who you are. She is to be won over..by your actions and your words.0
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Let's see..You married her when she was 19, you get mad when she does not dress up, you trow her stuff out. You started a thread about her "sabotaging herself" so that strangers on the internet would judge and belittle her for not being there for you sexually when you want it because she does not feel pretty. She should feel pretty when i'm horny dammit!
I have a hunch you might have something to do with her self esteem level.
Did it ever occur to you that she might just like her hair up, or she is more comfortable that way? You trowing her hair bands out tells her "you look like **** with your hair up".
^^THIS^^THIS^^THIS^^THIS^^0 -
Let me first say that this may get me a strike, but I don't care.
Little man, you got a lot to learn. As a grown-*kitten* woman who is head of my household and confident in who I am as a human being, I found just your title horribly offensive. "Listen up?" Why should I listen to you? What makes you the expert in a woman's self confidence? What makes you the expert in what I should do with MINE? Telling all women they should "listen up" is your first mistake. It makes you sound like a jerk.
As for your wife's self confidence, I'm afraid you're showing your inexperience and young age here. LEAVE HER ALONE. If she wants to wear baggy clothes and put her hair up, THIS IS HER DECISION. THIS IS NOT UP TO YOU. Let her wear what she wants when she wants. She doesn't like compliments. Regardless of why, have you ever thought that maybe that's not her love language, aka what she needs to feel loved? Personally, my love language is physical touch. Maybe hers is gifts? You ever think to ask?
Using the word "positive reinforcement" when referring to the way you speak to your wife makes you sound controlling. It's nasty. She's not a puppy you're training.
Don't get me started on the hairband thing.
What you should try instead is just being supportive. I'm having a "fat" day or I don't feel attractive, guess what my fiance does. He tells me "Baby, I love you no matter what". He puts up with it. That's what you sometimes have to do when you're a dude.
Self-confidence comes from within. It's not something that can be forced on you or demanded of you by your husband. If you were mine, I'd have tossed you a long time ago. It's unfortunate that your wife is so young and has a lot of life lessons to learn herself.
And ^^THIS^^0 -
Lol! Gotta agree.OP, dude, don't both writing anything sincere in the MFP forums. No one will bother reading anything longer than 1 paragraph, most of the responders have horrendous reading comprehension skills, even worse critical thinking skills, and the man haters will come out in force. Go get some counseling for you and your wife, and good luck.0 -
I would rather my wife be 10 lbs heavier and feel sexy, than 10lbs lighter and feel pathetic. She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do. Thats not to say I want her to gain 50lbs, because I dont, but I do want her to feel good about herself.
I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.
It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying. I still do because I think everyone needs positive reinforcement, and part of me just feels like saying nice things anyway.
One of the biggest places in my opinion, and most men can probably agree with me on this, that is affected by the self image problems is intimacy settings. Having your wife being hung up some self image problem while your trying to be intimate is extremely annoying and frustrating, might I add even selfish on her part. I am trying to express my love in the most sincere and sacred of ways that I have vowed not to share with anyone else, and she is worried about being fat, or not pretty enough.
an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. A lot of this is just transposed on to me in such a way that she is asking me what I think. I realized about a year ago that to a degree, it really didn't matter what I thought at all.
So how can this be fixed?
I've quoted all the parts of your post that really struck a nerve with me.
First, as Calliope said, you married a 19-year-old girl. She had barely begun to know herself before she got married, and I don't know many women who haven't dealt with self esteem issues at her age. Adding to that, I don't know her back story or upbringing. Perhaps there's something in her past that exacerbates her low self-esteem. If you don't know for sure, find out.
Second, do you guys plan on starting a family? If so, get used to the weight gain, the mood changes, the not feeling sexy, the lack of intimacy, etc., and not just for 9 months. Based on your description, it sounds like both of you put a lot of focus on the physical and not enough on the mental. Telling her that she's good at science is a throw-away. Does she have hobbies, things she enjoys that she's really good at? Encourage her, be supportive, show her those things are at least as important to you as the way she looks, even if her hobbies seem strange or are completely of no interest to you. If she truly "hides" her hair and body (instead of just wanting comfy days), let her. Sometimes we all feel the need to hide and it's not necessarily a sign of depression. Sometimes a person just has a not-feeling-so-great day. It happens. What bothered me is the fact that you've gotten into "arguments" about her hair. Just leave her alone. Let her do what she wants and needs to do and don't argue with her about something so trivial.
Third, on the subject of intimacy, for you to be annoyed or frustrated or call your wife selfish for having low self image at moments where she is most vulnerable physically, well that just seems insensitive. Maybe you're one of those people who are blessed with perfect genetics who doesn't feel bad about anything about their body. Or maybe you have a really hideous mole on your butt that you really prefer no one ever see. Maybe you just need to start cuddling naked, no sex involved, so she can remember that you just like the feeling of being skin on skin with her. Take non-sex showers together. Wash her hair. Or maybe you guys just need to start peeing in front of each other. Whatever floats your boat.
Lastly, regarding the last bit of your post, here's a little hint. Women often use their significant others as sounding boards, but we're rarely asking for a solution or to be "fixed". You are correct in that it really doesn't matter what you think. You are incorrect in feeling that it is up to you to fix it. Sometimes you just need to listen and not offer advice (I know how hard that can be). Be empathetic instead of sympathetic. And, as others have said, always be kind.
Good luck to you!0 -
Every woman feels insecure about something. She cares and trust in you enough to tell you how she feels. If you truly love her, her insecurity would not turn you off or bother you in anyway! Did you ever stop to think that maybe she feels more like this because of you?? Ask youself that. You are the one who has a problem with her hair pulled back and baggy clothes. If you truly loved her, her appearance would not bother you whatsoever! And for you to throw away her stuff is beyond disrespectful. I would have given you the boot a long time ago. My advice to you is if you love her then man up and put this behind you because she is your wife. She is never going to look 100% beautiful all the time and she will forever have her lows and highs. If you have a problem with how she looks sometimes or how she feels about herself, then let her go and find someone who is plastic from head to toe that cares more about her image and less about her mate.0
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I'm the kind of girl where if I haven't gotten more than six hours at night, sorry, I will be whipping out those hairbands and wearing a messy bun for the day. I have a LOT of hair, and it's long, and some day I just don't have the time and or energy to deal with making it "pretty".
Also, there are a fair number of days where I wear yoga pants.
My husband wears gym shorts on the regular, so I don't feel I'm doing either of us an injustice by not spending an hour in the bathroom getting ready.
Perhaps your wife is just comfortable that way?0 -
I understand the point of this, but I think you are going at it the wrong way. I actually can relate to the things she says/does because I have been there and I am just currently half way getting out of that kind of mind set.
One thing that really helped me was this... I always complained about being too fat, too short, not cute enough... and finally my boyfriend just said this... "I think you are beautiful just the way you are, but if you do want to lose weight, I am supportive of it as long as you stay healthy."
Since then our relationship has been so open. If I criticize myself, he tells me he loves me the way I am BUT if I feel uncomfortable with myself, try [insert tip here] and see if it helps.
SUPPORT IS SO IMPORTANT (can't stress that enough) in a situation like this. It is a mental issue within yourself. I know because I have been there and still am somewhat. Support her, and help her go about things the right way, and she will love you for it. If a woman feels like she doesn't have that support, she will shut down.
Good luck.0 -
Oh, and BTW... You are behaving abusively. Control = abuse.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_abuse
See Dominant Behaviors.0 -
However well-intentioned this post, the fact that you think you should impart your male wisdom over the female population is the problem. We get enough of it every time we turn on a TV show and there's a mom filling every role in the house AND she's in shape and beautiful at the same time (giving us all the impression that we MUST be everything), every time a commercial or article tells us ways to look better, every time we flip through magazines "for women" and find 100 different ways to make men happy in life and in bed. These are the things society embodies, otherwise it wouldn't be in the media we consume voraciously. Until your entire world is riddled with the idea that you are not good enough as you are, you will never understand your wife. Ever.
Your wife is 22 years old. She was a teenager just a few short years ago. Your teens are usually the most insecure time a woman will have in her life. At 22 I was the shadow of the woman I was when I turned 30. Are there incredibly mature 22 year-olds who don't do what she's doing? Yes. But expect that even those 22 year-olds will be very different when they're 30. If you've made the commitment to grow old with this woman, please make the commitment to grow up with her as well.0 -
I thought his post was awesome. Kudos OP.
I agree with this ^ I have been married for 10 years :O I think it is wonderful that you are seeking advice, especially advice from women. I think that pretty much all wemon feel this way at some point in life. The best things you could do for her are comfort her, give lots of hugs, make her feel sexy, ( be the wolf on all the old cartoons! The pervy wolf that cat calls to all the hot chicks!....You cat call her! ) stuff like that makes a girl feel attractive...unless I am just a freak of nature
( If there are post below me that disagree, just go with what they say lol ) I am not very good with advice. All I know is that when I am feeling down about myself I am not looking to be lectured on how to feel better... I just want hugs, and support. So yeah, Don't give her advice unless she askes and make sure you drool over her so she feels extra pretty. 0 -
Ugh! Look at her glasses! And ponytail! And paint covered overalls! That is disgusting!
And those of you who love sweatpants need to be shipped to concentration camps to be reprogrammed. Stop being so selfish and think of my needs.
But...but what if my sweatpants say "Sexy" on the *kitten*? That's cool, right?
mine would say S E X Y. in a larger-than-average sort of way!0 -
as I'm the millionth person to respond to this, i clearly didn't read all the comments and i dont know if the OP will read this but...this sounds similar to the situation between me and my husband. I'm 24, hes 30. we've been married for almost 3 years, together for 6. I have struggled with weight and self esteem issues for as long as i can remember. even at a size zero I had a completely skewed concept of beauty and thought i was too big.
when we first started dating, everything was great. he thought i was attractive and let me know it. I craved the attention and relished all his affection. As the newness wore off, I settled back into my own doubts and insecurities and it has trickled into the bedroom. We are very rarely intimate and I know it hurts him. You say its selfish and i understand that. We have fought sooooo many times about this. He tells me it hurts when i push him away, it makes HIM feel like HE isnt good enough. In reality i just dont want him to see me in my current post baby body.
I understand how frustrated you must be feeling but let me tell you what I wish HE would do, maybe that would help.
-someone suggested buying her pretty lingerie and telling her you hope she feels as pretty in it as you know she is. my advice? DON'T. if my husband bought me lingerie it would honestly probably make me feel worse...like the only gift he would want to buy me are things to make me feel fatter, uglier, and MORE uncomfortable. not many women feel great about their bodies and feeling like they need to show you the lingerie you just spent good money on might make her feel pressured. how about you buy her some hair ties and sweatpants and tell her she DOESN'T NEED to get dressed up to be attractive.
one of the biggest things we fight about is intimacy..our therapist suggested we spend 15 minutes at least twice a week completely naked- but NO INTIMACY. she literally suggested that we sit across from each other completely nude and hold hands. touch each others hair. any touching that is not sexual. her hope is that I can learn to be comfortable being naked without feeling pressured to have sex. (to clarify, mu husband has NEVER EVER pressured me in any way, i just feel bad and obligated and selfish. it should be a normal part of a healthy marriage).
as far as the non intimate stuff, hair ties, sweatpants, whatever. let it go dude. let her wear whatever she wants. she will look the most beautiful in whatever SHE is comfortable in.0 -
I understand the point of this, but I think you are going at it the wrong way. I actually can relate to the things she says/does because I have been there and I am just currently half way getting out of that kind of mind set.
One thing that really helped me was this... I always complained about being too fat, too short, not cute enough... and finally my boyfriend just said this... "I think you are beautiful just the way you are, but if you do want to lose weight, I am supportive of it as long as you stay healthy."
Since then our relationship has been so open. If I criticize myself, he tells me he loves me the way I am BUT if I feel uncomfortable with myself, try [insert tip here] and see if it helps.
SUPPORT IS SO IMPORTANT (can't stress that enough) in a situation like this. It is a mental issue within yourself. I know because I have been there and still am somewhat. Support her, and help her go about things the right way, and she will love you for it. If a woman feels like she doesn't have that support, she will shut down.
Good luck.
^^^This for sure! I could've wrote this myself. Nicely put.
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Thank you for your post! I really appreciated you bringing a male perspective that is often not heard. I like what you said (even though it hurt a little too) about how your wife was so worried about her body image that it became difficult to be intimate with her and how frustrating it was for you as a man since YOU decided to dedicate those moments to her and nobody else. Blew my mind - seriously - even though it is so simple. I took that paragraph as a "duh! It's like when a woman (like myself) finds out her man is playin' around with somebody else and we're offended because WE dedicated ourselves to that man and then he goes and run off. How dare he!" Seriously, thank you for that. This is going to help me in my next relationship with a man.
As for the headbands - wow - talk about over kill on the negative responses. I'm a Special Needs teacher and sometimes I work with kids that pull hair (ouch). I use headbands sometimes to protect what I have. I also use them at the gym as functional tools. Sometimes I dress a thick band up and go out with my friends. If they are used as a tool - cool - if they are used to be lazy - not cool. I get what you're saying.
I'm really glad you are helping your wife FEEL good about herself. None of us are in your guys' relationship so we can't judge you on your effort to help your wife see how wonderful she it to you. Keep it up and always let her know that you not only think her appearance is important to you, but her feelings about herself. Take care.0 -
Both of you were quite young to get married honestly. I'd be hard pressed to try to think of any woman I know who at 22 had half a clue what she wanted never mind one who was confident in herself.
Also, I just have to say that this type of thing isn't just a 'woman thing' low self-esteem can affect guys as well. My boyfriend struggles with his also and it has taken me about 3 years of almost constant re-assurance to finally get him to start believing ME when I tell him that I think he is sexy, or smart, or awesome in some way or other.
His childhood was pretty rough, he has psoriasis and inherited the typical "British teeth" was working young, bullied constantly and basically blown off for most of his life. He never had anyone around that he felt truly cared about him and what he had to say about anything. He was at the end of his rope and had been contemplating suicide for a while so consequently when we met he had no idea why on earth I was event trying to talk to him. He felt completely unworthy of any type of attention at all and when I would tell him I thought he was sexy I would get almost an argument back from him.
It took a lot of patience, a lot of telling him every day that it didn't matter what everyone said, that -I- was the only one that mattered and since -I- thought he was sexy it must be true. I tell him every day that I love him. I leave him notes all the time. I go out of my way to think of him when I am going about my life. When I am close to the beer store I think about if he would like some beer. When I am shopping for groceries I think about if he might like a treat. When I am at the mall I think about if he needs something. When he flies away for work I write him a note for every day he is gone to remind him that I love him - his happiness is the focus of my life (he is the same with me)
For a successful relationship you BOTH need to make the other person the most important thought in your day. When you wake up tell her how much she means to you. Bring her a coffee (or whatever), if she takes lunch to work why not slip a note into her bag, or make her lunch for her? Maybe you can cook her a nice dinner (or order one) and have it ready when she comes home? Why not take her out for a coffee or go for a nice walk and just talk. Find out about her day, how she feels whatever - focus on her. Don't talk about her physical attributes, instead focus on her feelings. Talk about your goals together - you've been married 3 years you must have some plans for your lives? If you don't then its a good time to make some. Communication is key. A good relationship is hard and it takes a lot of work - hard work!
Eventually she will feel better about herself when she feels that you are listening to her, that you value her opinions, that you WANT her to communicate with you, that you feel she is a worthwhile human being and that you love her. Give her hugs, lots of hugs..when she comes home, when she leaves, when she's cooking or whatever - spontaneous hugs are great! Above all else, give yourselves time to grow up. Make her your best friend and the rest will eventually take care of itself.0 -
I have been married for 3 years now. I am 27 (190lbs) and my wife is 22 (122lbs). She is a really wonderful, beautiful, sexy woman that I am happy I married. We have our problems like most couples do, but I think we are very lucky to have each other.
My wife has a problem that I think many women have - self confidence. I wanted to write a little about how a woman's lack in confidence is not just destructive to herself, but to those she is closest with. I hope that in some ways I can reach out and inspire women to change for the better. I also want to preface that I am in no way a master of the ways of women, and much of what I say is simply my opinion. All that said, I believe most of you will agree that loving, respecting, and appreciating one's self are unavoidably essential to happiness.
I would rather my wife be 10 lbs heavier and feel sexy, than 10lbs lighter and feel pathetic. She is so much more attractive when she acts like she is worth something, than almost anything else she can do. Thats not to say I want her to gain 50lbs, because I dont, but I do want her to feel good about herself.
I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself. The times when she hides her hair, and puts on baggy clothes just drives me nuts, not because I dont like the up-do or baggy clothes, but because she is figuratively saying to herself "I am not pretty enough to get ready" We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair. She has beautiful hair by the way.
It has gotten to the point where I can't even give her a heart felt compliment anymore, like "oh you look really pretty" or "your really good at science" or "your hair looks so nice and shiny" because she thinks I am lying. I still do because I think everyone needs positive reinforcement, and part of me just feels like saying nice things anyway.
One of the biggest places in my opinion, and most men can probably agree with me on this, that is affected by the self image problems is intimacy settings. Having your wife being hung up some self image problem while your trying to be intimate is extremely annoying and frustrating, might I add even selfish on her part. I am trying to express my love in the most sincere and sacred of ways that I have vowed not to share with anyone else, and she is worried about being fat, or not pretty enough.
This leads me directly into my next point, that is, if you self sabotage by thinking you're of no worth, it will inevitably happen. For example, my wife is worried about not being pretty enough for me. On the one hand I am flattered that she cares enough about "my opinion" (ill discuss this in the next paragraph), but after a while of her constant self belittlement, she actually starts to become less attractive to me, hence becoming what she so badly did not want to become.
Is it my opinion she is seeking approval from?. At first, I really thought she was just trying to look good for me. What can I say, I was flattered. Now I can tell you that though she does care somewhat of what I think about her,but an overwhelming majority of her feelings are concerned with the way she feels and thinks about her self. A lot of this is just transposed on to me in such a way that she is asking me what I think. I realized about a year ago that to a degree, it really didn't matter what I thought at all.
So how can this be fixed? Well, I am happy to say that this is open discussion thus helpful hints would be appreciated. What I can say is that things are getting better as far as my wife's self confidence. She's making an increased effort to get ready, workout, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. I think in doing these things, she has learned that she is worth a great deal more than she thought. Thanks for reading, feel free to respond.
"We have gotten into arguments about her hair, and I have thrown her hair-bands away (that was wrong) so she wouldn't hide her hair". Yea.....you lost me at this part. Jesus!!.. let the woman have a relaxed dressed down day once in awhile and quit over analyzing it.0 -
I am also amazed by how many people just quit reading at the part about throwing his wife's hair bands away. Did you miss the part where he admitted he was wrong to do that? He was frustrated. He did something he now realizes he shouldn't have done. Get past it.I wanted to write a little about how a woman's lack in confidence is not just destructive to herself, but to those she is closest with.
This was the OP's main point, from my perspective. His wife's feelings about her body are interfering with their marriage, and he is entitled to be frustrated by that. He's not telling her to "fix herself up" because he's ashamed of her or because he wants a trophy. He thinks that if she looks better, she will feel better about herself. And given that he's been married to her for 3 years, it's a safe bet that he knows her better than anyone else here.
I would say maybe one thing the OP doesn't understand is that for women, self-confidence is not a switch that can be turned on and off like a light, and it's not just about our clothes or our hair. There are days when I can put on a sexy dress and feel like a Victoria's Secret model, and the very next day, I could put on the same dress and feel like a whale.
But, for those who are criticizing the OP for not merely accepting his wife's difficulties, men can't just turn off their feelings either. His wife is hurting, and he doesn't know how to fix it, which annoys, frustrates, and probably scares him a little. Telling him to get over it because she's not a trophy is just as unhelpful as telling his wife to get over it and start dressing better.
There are no simple solutions here, but if a woman feels this way all the time (that is, she never has days when she feels beautiful and sexy), therapy may be an option.0 -
as I'm the millionth person to respond to this, i clearly didn't read all the comments and i dont know if the OP will read this but...this sounds similar to the situation between me and my husband. I'm 24, hes 30. we've been married for almost 3 years, together for 6. I have struggled with weight and self esteem issues for as long as i can remember. even at a size zero I had a completely skewed concept of beauty and thought i was too big.
when we first started dating, everything was great. he thought i was attractive and let me know it. I craved the attention and relished all his affection. As the newness wore off, I settled back into my own doubts and insecurities and it has trickled into the bedroom. We are very rarely intimate and I know it hurts him. You say its selfish and i understand that. We have fought sooooo many times about this. He tells me it hurts when i push him away, it makes HIM feel like HE isnt good enough. In reality i just dont want him to see me in my current post baby body.
I understand how frustrated you must be feeling but let me tell you what I wish HE would do, maybe that would help.
-someone suggested buying her pretty lingerie and telling her you hope she feels as pretty in it as you know she is. my advice? DON'T. if my husband bought me lingerie it would honestly probably make me feel worse...like the only gift he would want to buy me are things to make me feel fatter, uglier, and MORE uncomfortable. not many women feel great about their bodies and feeling like they need to show you the lingerie you just spent good money on might make her feel pressured. how about you buy her some hair ties and sweatpants and tell her she DOESN'T NEED to get dressed up to be attractive.
one of the biggest things we fight about is intimacy..our therapist suggested we spend 15 minutes at least twice a week completely naked- but NO INTIMACY. she literally suggested that we sit across from each other completely nude and hold hands. touch each others hair. any touching that is not sexual. her hope is that I can learn to be comfortable being naked without feeling pressured to have sex. (to clarify, mu husband has NEVER EVER pressured me in any way, i just feel bad and obligated and selfish. it should be a normal part of a healthy marriage).
as far as the non intimate stuff, hair ties, sweatpants, whatever. let it go dude. let her wear whatever she wants. she will look the most beautiful in whatever SHE is comfortable in.
STATEMENT IN BOLD ABOVE - THIS EXACTLY!!!0 -
As a self admitted tom boy all my life, my own preference is to be in basketball shorts and a shirt with cut off sleeves or a "beater" during the summer and sweats and hoodie during the winter. I own several pairs of sweats and shorts and t-shirts so I am prepared daily to strip out of my work apparel into my more comfy clothes. I will also admit that I have never had a big self esteem issue. I have always been pretty confident in myself, sometimes too confident.
My husband on the other hand has been in relationships where he was cheated on and it has effected his psyche. As wonderful a husband as he is to me, I know he was no saint with anyone else. I think he finally fell in love and gave himself completely to me. ANYWAY!
He loves to see me dressed up in my pencil skirts and snug tops. He likes to be able to see my curves. He jokes by saying he enjoys seeing me as woman and not a 13 year old boy in my "comfy clothes". He enjoys getting dressed up. He likes to "look good" in his ties and dress shirts and slacks. I can't get out of that crap fast enough. We are completely different people in what is "comfy". Can't change that no matter how hard we try. I am an accountant and wear the business casual attire everyday for the last 7 years and I still hate it.
I have learned that with my husband, it's not a matter of physical appearance that his self-esteem is low, it's a matter of how he feels about himself and his self-worth as a whole, its a mental issue. He knows I find him attractive. He knows I love him. He knows our children adore him. He knows I will never cheat on him, But that didn't change how he felt mentally about himself. It tooks years before he has finally overcame that hinderance. And it's still there on occasion because of the questions he asks me from time to time. It became a really big issue when he started questioning my love for him. It was then that I told him that when I am giving all I have to him and the love he seeks in his "love language" and he is still questioning my love then it will become an issue in our relationship. Only the person suffering from the self-esteem issue can overcome it. We as the significant others can only provide a positive environment for the recovery. As tiring as it may seem, we knew before we married our spoused what their flaws were and we married them anyway. Getting married isn't going to change them overnight.
I would recommend reading the 5 Love Languages. Maybe the way you are showing you love her isn't the way she responds to love. I am the type that you have to show me by doing things: helping me clean the house, changing my tire for me, pulling my chair out at dinner. My husband's love language is touch: my touching him as I walk by him in the hallway, a sudden embrace for no reason, cuddling on the couch, back massages.
My 2 cents anyway. Good luck!!
So True...The Five love languages is a great book too...can't recommend it enough!0 -
I don't think its any man's job to validate any woman. I believe that as young women we hit a rough patch, something happen to change our self image. It should be addressed by a professional who can address this. Perhaps something happened that changed her mind.0
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This post made me so thankful for my significant other.
I have a lot of self confidence problems/insecurities and he is SO patient with me, and honestly believes I look best in my 'natural state' without all the makeup and hair all done up.0 -
I'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.
.........really??? geeeez...0 -
**As far as the compliments you give that she doesn't believe or accept... Maybe she s just not a 'words' person. I am not. words mean very little to me. I know my husband things all those great things about me- but NOT because he tells/compliments me (which he does- he IS a words person)- but by how he treats me. "time and actions' are what speak to me.I dont know if all women are like this, but for my wife, getting ready and looking presentable is important to her because that means she cares enough about herself to actually invest time in to herself.
This is where I stopped at first....
My first thoughts to this sentence were "wait till you two have 3 kids under 4. Ponytail and sweats means "I have not gotten to shower in two days or sleep in 3 nights and I have changed more poopy diapers then anyone should every have to. Be thankful these sweats are at CLEAN(ish)..."
I did go back a read through the rest, though
You sound like to love her and want her to feel good about herself, but if my husband seemed that controlling over my attire, I,d feel bad about my looks, too.
You say you want hr to have better self image and like her body the way it is, but if you get upset over how she dresses are you good with her body how it is? that's not the message I would get in that situation.
If you love her pretty hair.. Love it just as much in a ponytail if that's how she feels comfortable!
If you lover her body; love her body in baggy pants just as much as a tight sexy skirt.
Sometimes the way we dress is not all about you and what you want to see, but how much time we have or how our hair feels or how little sleep we have gotten. all those cute, sexy outfits are usually UNcomfortable! makeup and jewelry can be uncomfortable even if we are tired or have aheadache. (or is that just me??)
and if she is having a hard time, maybe give her pace, let her be who she needs to be.... take her on dates (where she doesn't have to dress up- like rock climbing!)
wash dishes or do laundry without her asking, etc.0 -
yupI'm a woman who feels more comfortable with my hair pulled back, some jeans, and a t-shirt. If my husband ever threw my hairbands away, and told me that I needed to make myself more presentable, he would not be my husband. Shame on you. She's not your trophy.
Sorry, but after reading that part, I couldn't even make it to the end.0 -
The whole "Women listen up" thing is starting to grate on my last nerve.0
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