I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

Options
13567

Replies

  • PlayDoh1234
    PlayDoh1234 Posts: 86 Member
    Options
    I think you're right. Some comments can really seem to have a double meaning that's it's a little disappointing instead of uplifting. I don't like when I get the comment, "You're getting too skinny". When I'm still 30+ pounds over a healthy weight. I'm not too skinny.. I'm overweight.

    You look great! Keep up the hard work!!!
  • NovemberJune
    NovemberJune Posts: 2,525 Member
    Options
    Totally know how you feel. I'm bad at taking the better compliments and especially bad at taking the sucky "compliments"
    I just remind myself that they really aren't trying to be mean. Sorry, no good advice :wink:
  • kimosabe1
    kimosabe1 Posts: 2,467 Member
    Options
    or when they don't say one word?? 15 pounds on a small frame 5'5" woman is most certainly noticeable! Alright *****es, just wait until it's 30 pounds.......
  • aprmay
    aprmay Posts: 216 Member
    Options
    I wouldn't worry too much on what other people say. Most people are not used to change, so when they see you looking better than before, they will react and don't think about what they are saying could be misinterpreted. Just take it as a compliment (even the backhanded ones) and move on. Take the high road and know that you ROCK. :)
  • scottishprincessprobz
    scottishprincessprobz Posts: 15
    Options
    I can totally relate!! :/ In a different sense, but when I was younger and gaining weight in recovery for AN, my school principal came up to me and said, "Wow Jenny, you look really healthy!"...I knew he meant well, but healthy at the time meant "Fat" to me. I broke down crying in the girls bathroom and my mom had to come and take me home from school.

    That's why now I always try to compliment people for other things. Examples are:
    "Wow that dress/shirt/pants looks amazing on you!!" or "Wow I really like you're outfit today"
    "Ooh did you do something different with your hair? It looks really nice today"
    "Your make up looks great today."

    Now I'm losing weight since I'm overweight, and I haven't received any compliments..yet.
  • kasslass2
    kasslass2 Posts: 337 Member
    Options
    Yes. Here on MFP.

    You are/Yo is (my fiancee who posts on here) get comments on here like "very muscly but its not very attractive/not what I want to look like."

    No, we have met our goals and posting on a success thread.

    I could easily go through the success thread and say "well done, you've lost plenty of weight but you're still overweight and not attractive to me" but I won't - why destroy someones moment of glory with an ill fitting punch below the belt.

    Totally classless.


    I think you both look freaking incredible! Do I think it is obtainable for me...probably not. Would I take it.....HELLLLLL yes! You've both put in the hours and it shows! Props to you two! Great job!
  • montana_girl
    montana_girl Posts: 1,403 Member
    Options
    If they are truly your friends, they meant it as a compliment. Plain and simple. Yes, I can see why it could be taken as insult, but if they truly care about you, then it wasn't.

    I've had true weight loss insults... those are the compliments followed by the "but"...

    "Congrats on losing a hundred poundss... but it certainly took you long enough!"
    "That's great that you can now run a mile... but if you're running, why are your legs still so fat?"

    Yeah, those were the compliments that could be insults!

    **edited because I can't type today...
  • FeatherBoBeather
    FeatherBoBeather Posts: 255 Member
    Options
    Yes.. I definitely think when friends say those things, they mean well... but I am horrible at taking those types of comments as compliments.

    I actually don't like to hear it LOL.. maybe I'm the only one... but I'd much rather have someone say something simple like 'you look great' .... not 'WOW omg you've lost SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much weight'...

    I know where I started, I don't need a reminder. Thanks for noticing. :-) lol :embarassed:

    *edited for a typo, wheeee
  • kasslass2
    kasslass2 Posts: 337 Member
    Options
    I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

    Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

    You look amazing! I wouldn't let it bother you. Keep up the great work and be proud of yourself!
  • CLFrancois
    CLFrancois Posts: 472 Member
    Options
    lots of replies already, so I dont know if you will read mine.
    I have been fit most of my life. I do not view my friends that are larger than me as beneath me. At all.
    I want, so badly, for my friends to be fit and to take the initiative to get going on it. Not for me, it doesn't benefit me, but for them, and for their families and kids.
    I am proud of every one of them for doing anything to better themselves. To me, what proud means is respect. If it is yourself or others, having pride isn't, and shouldn't, be an insult.
    Don't read this wrong though, I am not yelling or talking down to you. I am only hoping that when a friend says this to you that you don't take it as what it doesn't mean.
    A friend of mine went back to school, 15 years after we graduated, and got her nursing degree. A lifelong dream of hers she finally was able to complete. I was proud. Beaming I tell ya. Not because I was better, not at all (I don't have a nursing degree) but because she did it! So many people don't.
  • BflSaberfan
    BflSaberfan Posts: 1,272
    Options
    I dont understand why the "I'm so proud of you" comes across as them being above you? THose were my words when my baby cousin (not so much a baby any more) joined the military, I am proud of him, it brought me to tears I was so proud. I in no way felt above him when I said it.
  • MeLisa1044
    MeLisa1044 Posts: 9 Member
    Options
    I do understand how you feel and it is bitter sweet. Try to just take it at what it is, a complement. Just remember that the most important thing is the way that you feel. If they would have said nothing that may have hurt your feelings to you know? Some people are just not as sensitive to others and may have never been in your situation to understand how what they are saying even though it is a compliment may hurt a little. I have had people say "wow now you have a normal size a**! Well G thanks! They mean well but some of them are just clueless.
  • WRXymama
    WRXymama Posts: 342 Member
    Options
    The most recent one I got was "Congratulations"....like I woke up one morning with a 50lb weight loss overnight. I WON I WON.
  • ElizMurphy69
    ElizMurphy69 Posts: 61 Member
    Options
    It is what it is...say Thank You and move on. As we deal with weight loss one way, other people perceive and deal with our weight loss on their own terms. I think back to when my ex-husband got cancer and then had his leg removed and the awkwardness of that "first" conversation when people saw him. I think that a major weight loss would be a same way. What is the correct thing to say? How do you acknowledge their hard work without sounding condescending or like they "should have done it already" or "not let themselves get like that in the first place"???? It's so tough when communication is wrought with human emotion. Not only their own emotions that creates the reaction, but then how we react as the receiver as well.
    Be patient with those around you. Love them for noticing at all. I get frustrated now when I see someone I haven't seen in months and they don't say a word when I know I look "damn good" :-) I walk away thinking...."really?! they didn't notice I lost 20 pounds in my cheeks alone?"
    Take care, love yourself for who you are and what you have done and be patient with those around you who are learning about you all over again :-)
    Beth
  • galenofedgewood
    galenofedgewood Posts: 146 Member
    Options
    I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

    Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

    Honestly, I generally take it for face value. They mean well and aren't trying to be evil about it.

    What I'm running into now is the "you need to stop losing so much weight" because people are not used to seeing me this thin. Hell, *I* haven't ever seen myself this thin. I ain't done yet (210 is too high for my body composition and we'll see what 190-195 is like). They're just going to have to get used to it.
  • Docmahi
    Docmahi Posts: 1,603 Member
    Options
    I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

    Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

    I get a lot of these now - I used to feel similar but I look at this way

    I was super overweight before, but now I'm not so people are comfortable talking about it - my friends and family out of not wanting to hurt my feelings didn't bring it up before. So yeah a few comments may hurt 'you are the half the man you used to be' etc. but honestly they are all made out of love/admiration so just take the good away, that your friends and family are happy

    congratulations on your loss!!
  • Docmahi
    Docmahi Posts: 1,603 Member
    Options
    I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

    Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

    Honestly, I generally take it for face value. They mean well and aren't trying to be evil about it.

    What I'm running into now is the "you need to stop losing so much weight" because people are not used to seeing me this thin. Hell, *I* haven't ever seen myself this thin. I ain't done yet (210 is too high for my body composition and we'll see what 190-195 is like). They're just going to have to get used to it.

    oh yeah I get a lot of those now - both the: 'dont lose any more weight' and 'your muscles are getting too big, quit lifting' haha. But yeah I am in a similar boat I want my ultimate weight around 175-180 but with a lean composition so I'm planning on going down to 165-170 then coming back up slowly, most people think I'm crazy when I say that
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
    Options
    Since you know they mean well, leave it at that. I think maybe you're analyzing too closely where no hidden message was intended.

    I lost a lot of weight when my son was about 4, and a friend of my husband's told me that my butt used to be HUGE, and he held his hands apart like he was describing the big fish that got away. I could have been insulted, but why? He meant well.
  • shrinkingbrian
    shrinkingbrian Posts: 171 Member
    Options
    I had a person at church tell me that I am going to blow away. I know it was meant as a compliment but I still have a BMI of 32 and have about another 40 pounds that I want to loose. Most compliments I think are well intended. I guess some people just are not sure what to say.
  • codapea
    codapea Posts: 182 Member
    Options

    good point. i know there isn't always an underlying message but you can find one if you look for it and it can be hurtful. the point is people do mean well, they just don't know how to show it sometimes haha.

    Yes! Even though I'm am losing weight, and you would think I would know what to say by now from the good things people have said to me, I still feel awkward commenting on other peoples weight loss. I just don't want to say the wrong thing, and it seems easy to do. You want to say more than "good job", but you don't want to stick your foot in your mouth. My compliments seem to come out weird on accident. Every time I see one of my friends who has lost a bunch and is at goal weight, we all start telling her how great she looks... yet there is something about a bunch of girls talking about another girl that always comes off slightly b*tchy. I think in some small way we are all slightly b*tchy and we all know it. I'm sure your friends really did mean well, but I totally get how you feel. Just last night my father-law-said, "Well you skinny little *kitten*!" I was like, "Thanks, that's sweet. I know I'm not skinny yet, but I appreciate it none the less." To which he replied, "Well compared to where you stared from!!!" I was thinking, huh, okay- I guess I was sooo fat. It only bothered me for one second, though, partly because I know it's true. Then I just smiled. So, yes, I know what you mean.

Categories

Do you Love MyFitnessPal? Have you crushed a goal or improved your life through better nutrition using MyFitnessPal?
Share your success and inspire others. Leave us a review on Apple Or Google Play stores!