If u owned a gym what totalitarian policies would u enforce?

13

Replies

  • leighann881
    leighann881 Posts: 371
    1. No ellipticals, treadmills, or bikes (with the possible exception of a self-powered Woodway Curve and AirDyne bikes) - if you want to run, walk, or bike, do it outside.

    2. No weight machines - learn how to lift.

    3. No mirrors - there will be time to admire yourself when you're done.

    4. No A/C - this will keep the pansies out.

    5. When you join, you will write down specific, measurable goals (fat loss, muscle gain, performance goals, whatever). Periodically, you will be required to demonstrate that you've made progress toward those goals. If you haven't, bye bye.

    ^ this minus 4. depending on where you live. That would be dangerously brutal in AZ.
  • bagge72
    bagge72 Posts: 1,377 Member
    Double Post
  • bagge72
    bagge72 Posts: 1,377 Member
    I only do 12 mins of cardio. Guess I'm banned.


    P.S. your profile pic totally looks like a gym selfie.

    Jacksmom gets to go to my gym for free, and can take as many selfies as she likes...Just don't mind the other cameras behid the mirrors! :laugh:
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member


    4. No A/C - this will keep the pansies out.

    If you don't get heat stroke between sets, you aren't hardcore.

    I might suggest that if you DO get heat stroke lifting weights, you aren't hardcore.

    I live in Texas. I have a fan. It's enough. This "let's make everything as comfy as possible" bull**** is why the gym is full of people texting and talking and eating and goofing around for 2 hours, hogging all the equipment, instead of getting in, getting their work done, and going home. And it's why I built my own gym.
  • c2hrist3a
    c2hrist3a Posts: 67 Member
    Rule #1: If you are caught curling in the squat rack you will be kicked out and publicly humiliated (as though being seen curling in a squat rack wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #2: If you are caught saying "core", "muscle confusion" or any of the like you will be publicly humiliated (as though being heard saying ridiculous crap like that wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #3: If hearing the more serious members grunt, swear, yell, spew blood or drop their weights offends you then you will be publicly humiliated.

    Basically, my gym would be the absolute opposite of Planet Fitness. We would have a sissy alarm and on saturdays we would serve protein shakes mixed with guinness "because you earned it".

    I'm joining your gym! I LOVE Guinness.
  • grantdumas7
    grantdumas7 Posts: 802 Member
    Rule #1: If you are caught curling in the squat rack you will be kicked out and publicly humiliated (as though being seen curling in a squat rack wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #2: If you are caught saying "core", "muscle confusion" or any of the like you will be publicly humiliated (as though being heard saying ridiculous crap like that wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #3: If hearing the more serious members grunt, swear, yell, spew blood or drop their weights offends you then you will be publicly humiliated.

    Basically, my gym would be the absolute opposite of Planet Fitness. We would have a sissy alarm and on saturdays we would serve protein shakes mixed with guinness "because you earned it".
    What?! Does that mean no pizza on Thursdays as a reward?
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
    Women only. Who wants to get hit on, look at men's hairy underarms, or any of that stuff when you're just trying to work out?
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member


    4. No A/C - this will keep the pansies out.

    If you don't get heat stroke between sets, you aren't hardcore.

    I might suggest that if you DO get heat stroke lifting weights, you aren't hardcore.

    I live in Texas. I have a fan. It's enough. This "let's make everything as comfy as possible" bull**** is why the gym is full of people texting and talking and eating and goofing around for 2 hours, hogging all the equipment, instead of getting in, getting their work done, and going home. And it's why I built my own gym.

    Yes. That's EXACTLY why I go to the gym. I go there for the air conditioning. Sorry but no matter what the temperature is in a gym you'll still have the people who go there and do a half-assed workout or just sit and text. I personally am not a fan of a hot and humid gym because it's uncomfortable. I prefer it to have A/C when I get there because I'll work up enough of a sweat on my own where I'm uncomfortably hot. I don't need to be sweating my butt off just walking to the locker room.
  • Loftearmen
    Loftearmen Posts: 380
    1. No ellipticals, treadmills, or bikes (with the possible exception of a self-powered Woodway Curve and AirDyne bikes) - if you want to run, walk, or bike, do it outside.

    2. No weight machines - learn how to lift.

    3. No mirrors - there will be time to admire yourself when you're done.

    4. No A/C - this will keep the pansies out.

    5. When you join, you will write down specific, measurable goals (fat loss, muscle gain, performance goals, whatever). Periodically, you will be required to demonstrate that you've made progress toward those goals. If you haven't, bye bye.

    ^ this minus 4. depending on where you live. That would be dangerously brutal in AZ.

    Metroflex gym is in TX and has no A/C. It regularly hits triple digits with moderately high humidity here.
  • Loftearmen
    Loftearmen Posts: 380
    Rule #1: If you are caught curling in the squat rack you will be kicked out and publicly humiliated (as though being seen curling in a squat rack wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #2: If you are caught saying "core", "muscle confusion" or any of the like you will be publicly humiliated (as though being heard saying ridiculous crap like that wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #3: If hearing the more serious members grunt, swear, yell, spew blood or drop their weights offends you then you will be publicly humiliated.

    Basically, my gym would be the absolute opposite of Planet Fitness. We would have a sissy alarm and on saturdays we would serve protein shakes mixed with guinness "because you earned it".
    What?! Does that mean no pizza on Thursdays as a reward?
    Yes, my friend, that's exactly what it means. *evil laughter*
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
    Not a rule, but if I ran a gym, every treadmill would have a mirror in front of it, and a huge tv screen behind it that you could set to zombie apocalypse, angry bear, T-rex, boston marathon, etc. so it looked like you were running for your life (or winning a race) for motivation.

    Oh, I like this one. I'd probably do a screen shot with rolling hills or some other interesting scenery. You could change it from a T-rex to just about anything that would want to eat you. It might be amusing to have the threat change. Grin.
  • thecakelocker
    thecakelocker Posts: 407 Member
    All squats must be performed in the nude to below parallel.
  • dixiewhiskey
    dixiewhiskey Posts: 3,333 Member
    No holding on to the treadmills or any backwards crab walk sh--.

    All men must walk around topless

    Makeup and beautiful hair is welcome, jealous folks not welcome.

    i **** you not, there is a girl at my gym who does press ups in the reverse crab position.

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Scary sight
  • rowanwood
    rowanwood Posts: 509 Member
    This entire thread is why I would NEVER go to a gym. You people are @$$holes. Seriously.

    I don't even know what the heck half this stuff is and if you DON'T know, apparently, you should be punched in the face. Thanks for helping a newbie out.

    Hence, why I exercise at home, thanks.
  • gmallan
    gmallan Posts: 2,099 Member

    6. If you can't do at least 5 pullups after your first month of membership, your membership dues increase 30%.

    7. Coconut water water fountains.

    That is all.

    You wouldn't have many females working out at your gym then, I've been working for a few months now and can only do 3 chin-ups and 1 neutral. No pull-ups yet. Not saying females can't do pull-ups but it means you're in exceptional shape

    Coconut water is a bullsh!t fad, how about free protein shakes
  • jayche
    jayche Posts: 1,128 Member
    In my gym, skinny people with legs the size of my arms who think doing pullups is badass have to load and rack the 100lb plates for the squatters and deadlifters.
    I don't get it, are pull-ups not badass or something? I always thought they were
  • Cre8veLifeR
    Cre8veLifeR Posts: 1,062 Member
    NO EFFIN PERFUME LADIES! ugh! Gag!
  • meggyannpt
    meggyannpt Posts: 73 Member

    I would also hire a physiotherapist to make sure people squat right etc.
    ^^^This. I have to fight the urge to smack people who do crazy things that are just asking for injury! (Note: I have seen personal trainers give TERRIBLE advice to clients, basically setting them up for back pain)
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    When trainers walk around, they have to talk to everyone, not just the three prettiest girls.
  • Loftearmen
    Loftearmen Posts: 380
    This entire thread is why I would NEVER go to a gym. You people are @$$holes. Seriously.

    I don't even know what the heck half this stuff is and if you DON'T know, apparently, you should be punched in the face. Thanks for helping a newbie out.

    Hence, why I exercise at home, thanks.

    You'd better stay out of my gym. Or else face public humiliation.
  • nz_deevaa
    nz_deevaa Posts: 12,209 Member
    This entire thread is why I would NEVER go to a gym. You people are @$$holes. Seriously.

    I don't even know what the heck half this stuff is and if you DON'T know, apparently, you should be punched in the face. Thanks for helping a newbie out.

    Hence, why I exercise at home, thanks.

    My gym would have a sense of humor rule.
  • jumpingsparrow
    jumpingsparrow Posts: 32
    ...and on saturdays we would serve protein shakes mixed with guinness "because you earned it".

    You had me at Guinness.
  • jumpingsparrow
    jumpingsparrow Posts: 32
    This entire thread is why I would NEVER go to a gym. You people are @$$holes. Seriously.

    I don't even know what the heck half this stuff is and if you DON'T know, apparently, you should be punched in the face. Thanks for helping a newbie out.

    Hence, why I exercise at home, thanks.

    My gym would have a sense of humor rule.

    Best rule of all.
  • leighdiane91
    leighdiane91 Posts: 225 Member
    Only 2 rules at my gym:

    1. NO ONE under the age of 18 will be allowed in. I am 22, and am a nanny and have to deal with small children all day long. I go to the gym to work out and un-stress from my day. It is hard to do that when there are 12 year olds taking up weight machines and treadmills, not cleaning them and getting an attitude when I tell them they have to. Oh and the 16 year old girls who giggle on ONE weight machine for 20 mins.... yea thats a no go either.

    2. no soda in the vending machines... or crappy food in the food one. Gatorade, coconut water (the real stuff, not the kind sobe makes that is like 1 percent actual coconut water and the rest sugar) and real water only.
  • leighdiane91
    leighdiane91 Posts: 225 Member
    ...and on saturdays we would serve protein shakes mixed with guinness "because you earned it".

    You had me at Guinness.

    Where do I sign up for this gym??? lol guinness should be a food group.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
    Forget the cell phones and re-racking stuff..... it's your gym so what would you REALLY enforce because YOU CAN?

    Here would be some of mine:

    1. Any member caught taking a selfie is banned for two weeks. Second violation is permabanned.

    2. No striped tank tops, guys.

    3. All cardio equipment must be used for AT LEAST 25 min. No quickies here, folks. Any violation sets off a siren alarm in the machine and violating members will be banned for one week.

    4. Only sports-related programming on the TVs.

    @#mn gym. :)

    6. If you can't do at least 5 pullups after your first month of membership, your membership dues increase 30%.

    7. Coconut water water fountains.

    That is all.

    You know I never thought that a gym thats completely opposite to Planet fitness would be horrible but here you are, proving me wrong
  • melmckay99
    melmckay99 Posts: 358
    - guys with abs like OP MUST walk around shirtless, but wipe off the machines.

    ^^ this is a good one. Eye candy during my workouts would encourage me to stay longer :)
  • drchimpanzee
    drchimpanzee Posts: 892 Member
    If you can't do at least 5 pullups after your first month of membership, your membership dues increase 30%.

    Like the other stuff but this one's a little harsh. There are ALOT of people who can't even do one pull up even though they're in pretty good shape.
  • Lupercalia
    Lupercalia Posts: 1,857 Member
    Rule #1: If you are caught curling in the squat rack you will be kicked out and publicly humiliated (as though being seen curling in a squat rack wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #2: If you are caught saying "core", "muscle confusion" or any of the like you will be publicly humiliated (as though being heard saying ridiculous crap like that wasn't embarrassing enough)

    Rule #3: If hearing the more serious members grunt, swear, yell, spew blood or drop their weights offends you then you will be publicly humiliated.

    Basically, my gym would be the absolute opposite of Planet Fitness. We would have a sissy alarm and on saturdays we would serve protein shakes mixed with guinness "because you earned it".

    I'm joining your gym! I LOVE Guinness.

    This! :drinker:
  • MSeel1984
    MSeel1984 Posts: 2,297 Member
    s6rXbvn.gif

    Hahaha...great post. (and good show)

    1.) No makeup-makeup remover will be handed out at the door. If I can show up looking like I rolled out of bed, so can you...oh, and those adorable little (SHORT) Victoria's Secret "Pink" shorts have to go...here's your sweatpants.

    2.) If you are on your cell phone dinking around for more than 1 minute while you're supposed to be working out, you get thrown out for the day. Do it again, you're banned.

    3.) If you stand in the mirror looking at yourself for more than 1 minute, or if you are caught checking out your muscles more than twice, you will be isolated in a booth with four walls of mirrors until you can get over yourself.

    WOW this feels good.

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