married or single folks please read....

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Replies

  • treagal
    treagal Posts: 264 Member
    pisses me off that everyone says to stay out of it, don't stay out of it. he is being an idiot, try to help him figure it out or give him some resources to figure himself out. he's young, he needs help.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    You can't help him with this. All you can do is be his friend. Maybe you can get him to think about the fact that he can't go back to the old days. Even if he gets divorced, he's still a dad.
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
    OP you are a GOOD friend. Those who say you should stay out of it are full of *kitten*. Hold him to the fire; he has a child and he did the right thing by marrying the mom.

    Now it's time to grow up. Learn some morals and be a good husband, good father, and good friend. Everyone who says he should go find someone who 'makes him happy' have their heads up their *ss. Yes, I'm talking to all you selfish people out there who drop the "D" word at the first sign of tough times.

    Marriage is WORK. It takes commitment and follow-through. Nothing worth attaining is easy.

    Do all those football stars get there by taking the easy route? Heck no. They work hard, stick to it even when it sucks, and in the long run they are the ones who are rewarded.

    Be a friend to your friend and keep him accountable to his family. He has a family now; he's not some swinging single man who gets to go chase skirts anymore. Heh - he caught one, now he has to take care of what he caught.
  • AmandaReimer1
    AmandaReimer1 Posts: 235 Member
    Six months in is a little too early to be deciding if he wants a divorce. The first year if marriage is always the hardest. Adding a child or new baby into the mix doesn't help. He needs to know there will be financial repercussions (the divorce itself) and child support. I'm not a guy, but I think the feeling of being tied down and what not sure she normal. How old is his wife? Having kids makes you feel that way, even worse when you're a Mom. You love your kids but you never get time for yourself. He needs to be proactive I. How should marriage to at least try. Not getting enough sex? Help the wife out so shecan relax and get in the mood. Talk to her and make sure he does get guy time, and they get time together. Sometimes a nice meal after the kids in bed can be nice. Just some suggestions/thoughts.
  • AmandaReimer1
    AmandaReimer1 Posts: 235 Member
    Forgive autocorrect in my post.
  • blackmagic25
    blackmagic25 Posts: 227 Member
    ^That did a lot of good. Take care, I suppose. XP

    Has he talked to her at all about this--maybe not saying directly that he wants to leave. I'm just asking if he's let her know that he's upset about something. Maybe his needs in the bed aren't being met. Maybe he wants some more variety or a romance day away from the kids or some fun once in a while. Maybe they need a sitter once a week, so they can have their own time to cut up and do whatever. Maybe she needs to give him some more space to hang out with you. Has he been honest with her about his needs? I understand that when you have a kid, you need to be responsible, but there also needs to be some happiness in life. Maybe they can compromise. She gives him some space and fun time. He ends up being a better dad and maybe gives her something else she wants.
    thanks everyone for all your help I appreciate a lot
  • travelgal59
    travelgal59 Posts: 52 Member
    I'd recommend marriage counselling. He is young but not too young to have gotten married. Now it's time to man up. Maybe he and his wife can find some compromise...who knows maybe she's sick of him. Either way there is a child involved and now they have to make adult choices. sorry i sound harsh but i'm old so it's ok. jk! btw I was married 24 yrs when i was widowed, single 10 yrs now trying to make a difficult marriage work.
  • ejean62
    ejean62 Posts: 9
    My 1st husband and I were married for a little over 6 years and he suddenly decided he didn't want to be married any more. I thought we would be married for life and we never had a child together. This best friend that we are discussing is not considering anyone but himself. He does need to discuss his feelings with his wife and maybe they can figure out the best course of action. It really hurts when someone decides that they no longer need you in their life and you're the last to find out.

    Staying out of it is not an option......you're already involved!!!
  • jus_in_bello
    jus_in_bello Posts: 326 Member
    Alimony is expensive, as is child support, it eats up that "party" money pretty quickly. He isn't going to be able to afford to go out. If you think he shouldn't leave her, tell him if he does you aren't going to party with him, and then don't party with him. It's his call, he's 22 and dumb (I say this having been 22 and dumb) he'll do what he wants. You have to be a man of integrity about it, that's all you can control in this situation. Your response. Whatever you tell him, you have to be able to live up to it.
  • krissy_krossy
    krissy_krossy Posts: 307 Member
    Stay out of the couple's business unless it's to advise them to go to therapy/counseling or you suspect abuse. Doesn't matter if he's "your boy," he's a grown man who made his own decisions.
  • cruiseking
    cruiseking Posts: 338 Member
    I'm glad I never had kids. My ex and I sold everything, paid every bill we had,and split the proceeds. Went in front of a judge paid the $60, and it was over. Not having to use an attorney; good. No kids involved; priceless. I think everyone should think long, and hard before bringing a child into this world. I think your buddy is an immature douche, who was thinking like a child himself. Whatever happens, you should make sure he does right by his child.
  • DonnaLeeCattes
    DonnaLeeCattes Posts: 492 Member
    Life is to short to not be happy!
  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
    first let me say I agree with two answers already posted. You should stay out of it and tell him to talk to his wife about how he feels. That's really the only way.

    Wanting a divorce because he wants to hang out like he used to is a bit immature. And based on the age you just listed that explains why. He can't hangout as he did because he has kid, not because he is married. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and I go hangout whenever I want....sometimes with him, sometimes without. BUT we don't have kids.

    100% agree to this^^^! His life is changed permanently because of the child, not because of marriage.
  • leska1216
    leska1216 Posts: 260
    Stay out of it?

    Absolutely this. Stay out of it. ^^^
  • blackmagic25
    blackmagic25 Posts: 227 Member
    but if he's actually thinking of being single can you counseling really working..... I want him to stay but if he doesn't want to stay I don't want him to string his wife along till he's ready to leave and if he does leave he better not get involved like this for awhile or all have to smack him up seriously lol
  • cruiseking
    cruiseking Posts: 338 Member
    but if he's actually thinking of being single can you counseling really working..... I want him to stay but if he doesn't want to stay I don't want him to string his wife along till he's ready to leave and if he does leave he better not get involved like this for awhile or all have to smack him up seriously lol
    One piece of advice that you can give him; get a vasectomy. Obviously, he's not able to shoot responsibly. Other than that, you will put yourself in a no win situation by offering advice. Just don't give him an easy out.
  • xXxHBICxXx
    xXxHBICxXx Posts: 370 Member
    Stay out of it. It isn't your place to feel guilty/responsible about his life decision, and that is what marriage is, a life decision and it shouldn't be taken so lightly. I agree life is to short to live being unhappy but seriously people should think long and hard about getting married, I don't care how old you are.
  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
    he told me he loved her I was there when you cried getting married I feel like he still does love her but is not in love with like he use to I tell him to stay for the kid but if I was in this situation would I stay no because I would rather have two parents split that love their child then two parents that one is unhappy because he or she had to stay

    My parents stayed together for 42 years "for the kids" (there were lots and lots of kids). I didn't realize how much my opinion of life/marriage was affected by their "sticking it out for the kids" until after I had been married (been married for 5 years now and still working hard to "fix" some things). They need to talk it out and find a way that everyone's needs are met. If everyone is truly unhappy after lots of hard work and marriage counseling than its their decision to part ways or not. BUT, he has made his decisions and he needs to make the effort. As I said in a previous post, his life has changed permanently because he has a child not because of marriage. These friends of yours need to have a serious heart-to-heart and find a way to be fair to everyone!
  • a778c466
    a778c466 Posts: 141 Member
    Sounds like he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If he has already checked out of the relationship, nothing anyone says will change his mind. All that really matters is him taking care of his child at this point.
  • blackmagic25
    blackmagic25 Posts: 227 Member
    Sounds like he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. If he has already checked out of the relationship, nothing anyone says will change his mind. All that really matters is him taking care of his child at this point.
    that's what i'm thinking
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
    He has some soulsearching to do.What does he really want? If it's just the hanging out
    maybe you'll could get together once a week or so.
    If it's more than that he should asked himself if he really wants to give up his
    family to hang out with friends.
    And your involvement, you can give him advice or just stand by him as a friend but that should be it.

    this. he needs to think this through and not make any hasty decisions. yes he is young but he has responsibilities now. if its just him itching to act like he's in college again, he needs to set that aside and put his family first. now if its deeper issues that he has with the wife they should try and resolve it.

    people nowadays are so quick to jump ship, without even stopping to consider how it will affect their children in the future.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
    It's natural to feel nostalgia for a more carefree time in one's life when there was less pressure and fewer responsibilities. At the end of the day though, he needs to accept the fact that he isn't living for himself anymore. The most important person in his life is now his child. Providing a stable family life for that child is his purpose in life, everything else must come second, including his own happiness.

    finally a man with some sense and good advice :drinker:
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
    It's natural to feel nostalgia for a more carefree time in one's life when there was less pressure and fewer responsibilities. At the end of the day though, he needs to accept the fact that he isn't living for himself anymore. The most important person in his life is now his child. Providing a stable family life for that child is his purpose in life, everything else must come second, including his own happiness.

    finally a man with some sense and good advice :drinker:

    As a single dad who gave up virtually everything in order to gain custody of my kids...I agree completely.
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
    Then he should talk to her about why he isn't happy and see if they can find a way to fix things and make it work. Marriage is a SACRED VOW. Not something you can just decide to stop when you get bored or things aren't perfect anymore.

    I agree with this ^^^

    Marriage is a Sacred Vow you make before God. He can't just give up when things don't go his way or when things become difficult. I understand that at his age he still wants to hang out with his boys and **** around, but seriously if he has a kid with his wife then its time to man up and take responsibility for putting himself in the situation he is in. Honestly, he should have thought about all of this before asking his wife to marry him.. And if he asked her just because she was pregnant with his baby, that's a nice thing to do but you DON'T have to get married especially if they weren't dating for very long. He could have waited a while to see if she was really the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and if she wasn't then just make sure his child is taken care of. Gotta get to know someone really well before you ask them to make a lifelong committment like getting married and having a child.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    He needs to tell his wife this, not just his buddies. If he really isn't happy he isn't honoring his vowes or respecting his wife then.

    Tell him to do the right thing and man up in the marriage or move on.
  • imchicbad
    imchicbad Posts: 1,650 Member
    Have you ever asked him how he would feel if he saw his wife with another man raising his child? And if he's ready for that, or the fact that if he leaves she might not take him back if he changes his mind. Or the fact that he will have to explain to his kid one day why he left his mother. I'm just saying.

    Don't forget to tell him" the grass might be greener on the other side, but the water bill is high as hell"
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    I'm sorry, but what respect is there to be had for a man that dumps his wife and child because he refuses to grow up!? Seriously - the answer is simple yet revolutionary - be a man of your word - discover the meaning of integrity, honour and create a family heritage that few children have the benefit of being part of these days!
    You do know that women initiate more divorces these days than men do, right?
    Another little tip - there is a difference between a CONTRACT and a COVENANT. Marriage is intended to be a covenant - this means that there are no conditions - that the person signing up is signing up NO MATTER WHAT the other person does (of course breaking the marriage bond through adultery creates such a deep rift in the relationship that this could be seen as ONE exception). Unfortunately people today view marriage as a CONTRACT - basically, if the other person doesn't hold up their end of the deal, there is freedom to break it. Please please people, view your marriage as a covenant, there is nothing more sad and destructive as broken marriages - for the kids, the spouses and society in general!!
    I hate to break this to you, but marriage is a legal contract that can be dissolved at any time by one party unilaterally -- even if the other person holds up "their end". That's the legal landscape we live in now, and no amount of wishful thinking will change it.

    More power to you if you live your life this way (I am married, for life, of course) but you have to realize the law doesn't work that way, and your partner might not.

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