Trying to overcome my parents' bullying

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  • tanniew78
    tanniew78 Posts: 602 Member
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    I went thru similar stuff as a kid and came out clean on the other side. BUT I had to remove my mom from my life to heal. That was it. I could not afford to have someone so disrespectful in my life determining my self worth. I am far from skinny and fit yet, but I can climb mountains! I can accomplish more than I ever dreamed possible. And just the other day I found self worth and it transformed me visably. I got compliments..... Im still getting them because of the happy glow that surrounds me. Thats what I had to do. I know how that the weight will come off and things are improved already.
  • ghhosstt
    ghhosstt Posts: 112
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    your fat mother was talking to/about herself when she was abusing you.
    it was a reflection of her self image, not a true picture of who you are.

    you can't punish yourself forever for her weaknesses & failings.

    ^^ I really like your posts, they're always insightful and empathetic. I agree.

    It's so hard to let go of our need to please our parents and make them proud. Our inner monologue can sound a lot like we got talked to as kids by our parents, too. It takes work, but it can be changed. Like others have said, build yourself up by surrounding yourself with a support group and finding hobbies that you love. Treat yourself well. Make positive changes for YOU, and because YOU deserve it, not to gain their approval. My heart goes out to you. You're beautiful, and it's too bad your parents can be so awful, but it doesn't have to dictate your life, I promise. :)
  • aleesh_
    aleesh_ Posts: 137 Member
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    I know how you feel, my parents were the exact same way. I remember one time I when I was 16 I was getting ready to go somewhere and I was in the bathroom in my bra and panties and my mom walks in and says "My body is better looking than yours." Mind you, she was 50! Ridiculous. After the birth of my last son I was over 300 pounds and my parents were always ridiculing me about my weight. I had fantasies where I would tell them that I'm fat so that I will beat them to the grave so that they can die miserable and alone o:) I never actually said that though. Anyway I've lost almost 100 pounds since then, and they are being a lot nicer now, being encouraging at least. Unless you live with them and have to see them, I would disappear for awhile. Just because they are your parents and you love them doesn't mean you have to put up with the abuse. Blood doesn't always mean you're family! Try and surround yourself with supportive friends and people who care about you and show it properly!
  • rougecrayon
    rougecrayon Posts: 100
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    Are you still in your parents home?

    Try really hard to see if there was possibly a loving intention? I'm not saying this is definately your case, but I know parents are only human and they may not know what to do (or may not want to make the changes themselves in order to help you) selfish? yes. Abusive? no.

    However they may just plain be bullies, and if that is the case, I would recommend councelling to help yourself get over it, and decide where to go from here.

    You seem, from your responses, that you are a really strong person so I think if you focus on either fixing your relationship, or moving away from it, you can certainly make the life changes you need to get healthier!
  • zonah
    zonah Posts: 216 Member
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    I agree with everyone.this is abuse.Have you try to sit down and talk to them.tell them how this is hurting you.this is not helping you at all.keep reaching for your goals.good luck!!


    I don't agree with the above quote. In my experience with my 'sick' family members explaining your feelings to someone who is incapable of empathy is pointless. Not to mention that people who behave like that usually get gratification from actually hurting people. So if you talk to them about your feelings you give them more ammunition to use against you and hurt you. The verse from the Bible comes to mind. "Don't cast your pearls among swine." Your feelings are pearls.

    I don't mean any offensive to the poster I think her advise is well intended, but if you've not grown up in an abusive household it's hard to conceive how ugly people can be towards their only family.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,079 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

    Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.

    This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.
  • aleesh_
    aleesh_ Posts: 137 Member
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    I agree with everyone.this is abuse.Have you try to sit down and talk to them.tell them how this is hurting you.this is not helping you at all.keep reaching for your goals.good luck!!


    I don't agree with the above quote. In my experience with my 'sick' family members explaining your feelings to someone who is incapable of empathy is pointless. Not to mention that people who behave like that usually get gratification from actually hurting people. So if you talk to them about your feelings you give them more ammunition to use against you and hurt you. The verse from the Bible comes to mind. "Don't cast your pearls among swine." Your feelings are pearls.

    I don't mean any offensive to the poster I think her advise is well intended, but if you've not grown up in an abusive household it's hard to conceive how ugly people can be towards their only family.

    Exactly this. When I read that I was thinking "Oh please don't do that." It will just hurt your feelings when you don't get the response you were hoping for! At least I know that if I tried talking to my mother about things she would have turned it around on me, saying I was being "too sensitive" or something along those lines. People like my mother and the OP's parents refuse to believe that they are the problem!
  • WendyTerry420
    WendyTerry420 Posts: 13,274 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

    That doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they are ignorant.
  • MyProgressISYour1Proof
    MyProgressISYour1Proof Posts: 376 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

    That doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they are ignorant.
    Amen
  • JJordon
    JJordon Posts: 857 Member
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    You owe it to yourself to prove that you are the superior woman. And let her be a couch potato as you become an amazon.
  • Chrissysftns
    Chrissysftns Posts: 113 Member
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    This breaks my heart to hear :*(

    My daughter is 10 years old and really overweight. I like to think that I talk about nutrition and fitness in a good way. I've never told her she's needed to lose weight, but rather to watch what she eats so she can become a healthy teenager/adult.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I'm definitely going to think twice about WHAT I say to her and HOW I say it...
  • HealthyStartsHere
    HealthyStartsHere Posts: 126 Member
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    I have been overweight most of my life and of course, I got ridiculed in school for it. Unlike the bullies at school, my parents' bullying hurt the worst. They would always call me chubby and every single day, they told me to lose weight. The sad thing was, my mom's always been overweight herself.

    The earliest ridicule I remember was when I was about 9. I was supposed to go on a field trip, but it got cancelled due to the weather. My mom had packed me a snack for later. However, I ate the snack for lunch too. Later that afternoon, my mom found out that I ate the snack for lunch and she got so mad. She as the level of anger that a parent would be if their kid got detention. She said "No wonder you are so damn chubby." She made me cry, but she got so mad when I cried.

    Then when I was 11, my mom, her friend, and I went shopping. They wouldn't stop anywhere for lunch, so I was hungry. I ate one candy bar. Later that evening, I was fooling around on my mom's Ab Rocker and she just snarls "You better do more of those. You ate like a pig today". And in front of her friend. I was humiliated.

    A few years later came the "if you keep eating and laying around, we will have to cut a hole in the door so you can get out" comments. I was even walking on the treadmill trying to get better and my dad snuck up and turned the speed up so high I nearly fell off. He wasn't remorseful at all and told me he was trying to help.

    Then one night, my dad out of the blue remarks "Both of my girls are chubby". He was talking about mom and I. That hurt so bad but I couldn't cry bc it would piss them off.

    My parents have caused me to be depressed, have low self-esteem, and self hate. The most I've actually heard them complement me was when I lost 30 lbs a few years ago. Even then they would still talk about chubby I used to be. Thanks for reading my long story.

    Hey. I know how it is to have your parents bully you. I was praised for starving myself and worshiped for throwing up after eating. I grew up in an unhealthy environment as well. And it's so hard because they make fun of me constantly. I still live with my parents and its hard to stay on a right track when they are pushing me around and making fun of me for eating, even if its a salad. And the hardest thing is staying mentally healthy. So if you ever want to talk to me, you can always message me, and I'll help.

    I find distracting myself is the best thing for me. I read, write, listen to music. I can't let their words affect me. And it's so hard but it is the only thing that will help you. You know yourself. You know what you have to do to help yourself, and listening to those words will hurt and shatter your confidence which is why you can't listen. It's hard but it is the only thing you must do.

    Stay strong, you can do this! And you will do this, for you!! Good Luck!!
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
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    This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.

    Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.

    Can't say it any better than this! :flowerforyou:

    ^ Another for this. I have had very little contact with my parents for the last 2 decades and every time I have, I've regretted it. Respect yourself, move on and find friends. Sometimes family doesn't deserve you.

    And another for this. It's very hard to understand what it is like to deal with abusive and cruel parents when you've grown up with supportive ones. I was half-lucky, I guess, but the caregiver was an enabler to the abuser.

    It sounds to me like your parents ganged up on you and held a solid front against you, all under the mistaken belief that what they were doing was good for you.

    You should pick up the book "Toxic Parents" and read it. Freeing yourself from their abuse is step 1 in healing yourself.

    And yes, what your parents say to you is abuse. It's verbal abuse at its most basic. If a husband said those things to a wife, very few people would say he was just showing love. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is making yourself well.

    Wishing you the best.
  • k_saenz
    k_saenz Posts: 126
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    Just keep trying hard! Eat clean workout become a badass and prove em wrong!!!
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    ^^Yeah, I agree.

    I must say I think abuse/bullying is rather extreme to call what your parents did, parents are just people, we make mistakes, say things out of turn etc. They could have said alot worse than calling you chubby.

    Do what is best for you now, no point in dwelling on all this stuff.
  • Bobanji
    Bobanji Posts: 79 Member
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!

    If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.

    Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.

    This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.

    Wow. How is having junk food in her parents house on her? Yes parents pay the bills but parents have the obligation to teach their children how to eat properly and exercise. Where is she suppose to get healthy food from if her parents don't have it available to her growing up? Most parents hope their children to grow up happy and healthy and do what they can to ensure this by cooking healthy food and having healthy snacks around. If you grow up in a home where you only know junk food, you grow into an adult that only knows junk food. It becomes part of your life and is very hard to change. Most of the people on this site "cannot avoid eating." The OP was speaking about her childhood. I hope, assuming that she is now over 18, that she seeks counseling from the abuse she suffered and that she has moved from her parents home to start a healthier, happier life.
  • mom23jmc
    mom23jmc Posts: 4
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    My mother in law has always been like that with my daughter. Now after losing all of her weight she tells everybody that will listen that she thinks she has an eating disorder. She eats 6 meals a day that are clean eating and works out. She has researched what is best for her body and very rarely indulges in something that isn't to her benefit health wise. My husband and I have told her hundreds of times to stop with the damaging words, but she persists. My daughter finally got fed up and limits the time she spends with Grandma. Now Grandma tells everybody who will listen how awful she is because she "ignores her." The moral of this is that no matter how hard you try you just can't make some people happy. The only person that you need to prove anything to is yourself. Reach your goals, be happy and revel in the fact that they didn't steal that from you. Best wishes to you and your success. :smile:
    "
  • triciab79
    triciab79 Posts: 1,713 Member
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    Ugg! Look my nickname was chubby growing up and that is what my family called me too. My sisters called me fat on a daily basis, and their friends called me fat, heck I overheard my friends call me fat. I got the same sort of food comments from my mom, my dad, my grandma, the person sitting next to me in the school cafeteria, strangers in the store.

    You are grown now right? You can either dwell on these things and prove them right or get over it and fix yourself. It's not baggage anymore if you chose to put it down and walk away from it.

    Life is too short to let the things people once said and did to you define you.
  • jenniferwren
    jenniferwren Posts: 189
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    I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
    ^ this ^

    some folk just don't have the where with all to communicate positively. just forget it and get on with your life and forgive them otherwise those words, which after all are in the past now and don't exist apart from in your head, will continue to control you.

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