Trying to overcome my parents' bullying
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This breaks my heart to hear
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My daughter is 10 years old and really overweight. I like to think that I talk about nutrition and fitness in a good way. I've never told her she's needed to lose weight, but rather to watch what she eats so she can become a healthy teenager/adult.
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm definitely going to think twice about WHAT I say to her and HOW I say it...0 -
I have been overweight most of my life and of course, I got ridiculed in school for it. Unlike the bullies at school, my parents' bullying hurt the worst. They would always call me chubby and every single day, they told me to lose weight. The sad thing was, my mom's always been overweight herself.
The earliest ridicule I remember was when I was about 9. I was supposed to go on a field trip, but it got cancelled due to the weather. My mom had packed me a snack for later. However, I ate the snack for lunch too. Later that afternoon, my mom found out that I ate the snack for lunch and she got so mad. She as the level of anger that a parent would be if their kid got detention. She said "No wonder you are so damn chubby." She made me cry, but she got so mad when I cried.
Then when I was 11, my mom, her friend, and I went shopping. They wouldn't stop anywhere for lunch, so I was hungry. I ate one candy bar. Later that evening, I was fooling around on my mom's Ab Rocker and she just snarls "You better do more of those. You ate like a pig today". And in front of her friend. I was humiliated.
A few years later came the "if you keep eating and laying around, we will have to cut a hole in the door so you can get out" comments. I was even walking on the treadmill trying to get better and my dad snuck up and turned the speed up so high I nearly fell off. He wasn't remorseful at all and told me he was trying to help.
Then one night, my dad out of the blue remarks "Both of my girls are chubby". He was talking about mom and I. That hurt so bad but I couldn't cry bc it would piss them off.
My parents have caused me to be depressed, have low self-esteem, and self hate. The most I've actually heard them complement me was when I lost 30 lbs a few years ago. Even then they would still talk about chubby I used to be. Thanks for reading my long story.
Hey. I know how it is to have your parents bully you. I was praised for starving myself and worshiped for throwing up after eating. I grew up in an unhealthy environment as well. And it's so hard because they make fun of me constantly. I still live with my parents and its hard to stay on a right track when they are pushing me around and making fun of me for eating, even if its a salad. And the hardest thing is staying mentally healthy. So if you ever want to talk to me, you can always message me, and I'll help.
I find distracting myself is the best thing for me. I read, write, listen to music. I can't let their words affect me. And it's so hard but it is the only thing that will help you. You know yourself. You know what you have to do to help yourself, and listening to those words will hurt and shatter your confidence which is why you can't listen. It's hard but it is the only thing you must do.
Stay strong, you can do this! And you will do this, for you!! Good Luck!!0 -
This is easier said than done, but ditch the *****.
Someone here said life is too short to cater to the feelings of people who treat us badly. You are your number one concern. Make yourself that priority. With time and practice, you'll feel better, smarter, stronger.
Can't say it any better than this! :flowerforyou:
^ Another for this. I have had very little contact with my parents for the last 2 decades and every time I have, I've regretted it. Respect yourself, move on and find friends. Sometimes family doesn't deserve you.
And another for this. It's very hard to understand what it is like to deal with abusive and cruel parents when you've grown up with supportive ones. I was half-lucky, I guess, but the caregiver was an enabler to the abuser.
It sounds to me like your parents ganged up on you and held a solid front against you, all under the mistaken belief that what they were doing was good for you.
You should pick up the book "Toxic Parents" and read it. Freeing yourself from their abuse is step 1 in healing yourself.
And yes, what your parents say to you is abuse. It's verbal abuse at its most basic. If a husband said those things to a wife, very few people would say he was just showing love. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is making yourself well.
Wishing you the best.0 -
Just keep trying hard! Eat clean workout become a badass and prove em wrong!!!0
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I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
^^Yeah, I agree.
I must say I think abuse/bullying is rather extreme to call what your parents did, parents are just people, we make mistakes, say things out of turn etc. They could have said alot worse than calling you chubby.
Do what is best for you now, no point in dwelling on all this stuff.0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.
Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.
This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.
Wow. How is having junk food in her parents house on her? Yes parents pay the bills but parents have the obligation to teach their children how to eat properly and exercise. Where is she suppose to get healthy food from if her parents don't have it available to her growing up? Most parents hope their children to grow up happy and healthy and do what they can to ensure this by cooking healthy food and having healthy snacks around. If you grow up in a home where you only know junk food, you grow into an adult that only knows junk food. It becomes part of your life and is very hard to change. Most of the people on this site "cannot avoid eating." The OP was speaking about her childhood. I hope, assuming that she is now over 18, that she seeks counseling from the abuse she suffered and that she has moved from her parents home to start a healthier, happier life.0 -
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My mother in law has always been like that with my daughter. Now after losing all of her weight she tells everybody that will listen that she thinks she has an eating disorder. She eats 6 meals a day that are clean eating and works out. She has researched what is best for her body and very rarely indulges in something that isn't to her benefit health wise. My husband and I have told her hundreds of times to stop with the damaging words, but she persists. My daughter finally got fed up and limits the time she spends with Grandma. Now Grandma tells everybody who will listen how awful she is because she "ignores her." The moral of this is that no matter how hard you try you just can't make some people happy. The only person that you need to prove anything to is yourself. Reach your goals, be happy and revel in the fact that they didn't steal that from you. Best wishes to you and your success.
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Ugg! Look my nickname was chubby growing up and that is what my family called me too. My sisters called me fat on a daily basis, and their friends called me fat, heck I overheard my friends call me fat. I got the same sort of food comments from my mom, my dad, my grandma, the person sitting next to me in the school cafeteria, strangers in the store.
You are grown now right? You can either dwell on these things and prove them right or get over it and fix yourself. It's not baggage anymore if you chose to put it down and walk away from it.
Life is too short to let the things people once said and did to you define you.0 -
^ this ^I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
some folk just don't have the where with all to communicate positively. just forget it and get on with your life and forgive them otherwise those words, which after all are in the past now and don't exist apart from in your head, will continue to control you.0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.
Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.
This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.
Exactly, and you say they helped pay for WW for you, not something an abusive parent would do imo.
ETA: there's alot of post on here where people complain that their husband/wife/family aren't supporting them because they continue to eat junk etc. It's upto the individual to have self control and will power not to eat the junk, why expect everyone to change their lives because you want to.0 -
Some people dont know what it is like to have narcisstic abusive parents. I do. I had them. Ignore them and take care of yourself. Also a website daughters of narcisstic mothers was helpful to me. When I lost weight, they had nothing complementary to say to me, just found something else to criticize me about. I feel good though and like others have said find other supportive people!0
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^ this ^I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
some folk just don't have the where with all to communicate positively. just forget it and get on with your life and forgive them otherwise those words, which after all are in the past now and don't exist apart from in your head, will continue to control you.
This is true. You have to forgive them and move on. If you don't, you are the only one suffering as you replay this in your head over and over. It's not easy and it's not fair that they didn't treat you better, but it is a part of life. We all have to deal with the shortcomings of others as no one is perfect. Try to forgive them in order to free yourself. Good luck!0 -
I have to agree with the less compromise-oriented replies. Sitting and chatting about your feelings with abusive people (parents, or not) simply gives them another edge to cut you with. Best to cut the toxic bits from your life, though, of course, their can be resulting feelings of loss. That's easier to deal with than the abuse! Be strong!0
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So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?0
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I went to college, only visited home on college vacations because I had to. Graduated, spent a miserable three months at home, moved away, and the most I spend at my parents' is one week at a time a couple times a year (mostly to see my sister and show my face at Christmas and another random time of the year).
Every time I go home, I slip back into the depression and victim mentality I had when I lived there. Psychological abuse is not always obvious to anyone but you. You don't have physical scars - they're emotional and psychological. 11 years after graduating high school I still struggle, but I am a much, much happier person than I ever was before.
It's a process, but just know you're worth it, and see if you can move out to distance yourself from your parents.0 -
I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I have got today. But a few comments I am having trouble digesting.
I am really trying to overcome this, but some of you never had to grow up in an environment like this. I know my parents loved me, but sometimes they were so mean to me. They have called me a snob just because I didn't have friends growing up because most of the kids were mean to me. I got called a dumbass once for not understanding what my mom said. I also wasn't allowed to cry around them when I cried. If I cried, I got spanked and yelled at more.
Those of you who want to know, I'm currently grown and have moved out and have married someone who is very supportive. But I still struggle with the all of the memories. It's harder than you think just to get over it.
Also, I still love my parents and talk to my mom daily. They have been less abusive, but there have been times they have been mean. My husband is also overweight and they have made fun of him behind his back. My mom also told me that I needed to lose weight before I bought a wedding gown, which hurt.
I have accepted this: I obviously can't make them happy, so I have to make myself happy, so that's why I'm here 0 -
So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?
I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.0 -
So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?
I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.
Best to ignore them. Most people grow up with loving parents and honestly have no idea the effects abusive parents can have, and how long those effects last.
A wise poster above suggested reading the book "Toxic Parents" and another wise friend suggested I read it. Please give it a read. I had to break up with my parents several years ago, to the point where they have never met my younger child. They likely never will and I'm finally okay with that. Live for you and your SO and friends. You can honestly choose to stop fighting those old battles but it takes plenty of work and time, and it is not easy.0 -
I think your parents were saying those things out of concern. It sounds like they care about you just didn't know how to encourage you appropriately. Best of luck!
If they were so damned concerned with me, they would have helped me learn to eat better and exercise NOT ridicule me, but kept buying junk food and soda. They never tried to help me, even when I was on weight watchers. They helped pay for it, but they never changed their cooking and eating habits. Always had junk food on hand.
Some of the stuff in your original post is obviously abusive.
This part about the junk food in the house is on you. For the rest of your life you will have to navigate the world. There is junk food everywhere. Your parents choices about what they have in the house is their choice when they are paying the bills. If you cannot avoid eating it, that's your issue.
Exactly, and you say they helped pay for WW for you, not something an abusive parent would do imo.
ETA: there's alot of post on here where people complain that their husband/wife/family aren't supporting them because they continue to eat junk etc. It's upto the individual to have self control and will power not to eat the junk, why expect everyone to change their lives because you want to.
Before you judge me, realize that all I'm trying to say here is that they were being hypocrites and putting all of their insecurities on me. I lived with them while I was going to school because they wouldn't let me move out and have my own life. Luckily, I had a job so I was able to buy things for myself to eat.
To say that I'm blaming my weight entirely on my parents is wrong. My grandparents were partly to blame bc they fed me snacks endlessly and didn't try to control my habits. But I know that it's my responsibility.0 -
So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?
I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.
I had a rough childhood too. A really rough childhood. I gave up letting it affect me when I was around 16 and moved out of their home. Since then I have never let it dictate my state of mind, which is what you seem to be doing here. The best you can do is move on from it emotionally. If you succumb to those influences, then they win. You are stewing on their treatment of you like it would actually change anything. The only thing that can change is you.0 -
you're right. people who haven't lived with the constant drip of abuse can't understand what it's like.
put into perspective, i had a breakdown and sought therapy for multiple rapes i had suffered in my youth.
i think all of three sessions covered those rapes. after that i spent a year talking about my mother.
the amount of time we spent on each is relative to the damage that had been done. my mother ftw!
don't be upset that some people are fortunate enough that they can't see these few examples are outlining a general pattern.
have you had therapy? getting the right therapist can really change your life completely.0 -
One of the other things I do struggle with is whether they were being abusive or just ignorant. I know they were somewhat concerned about my health though.0
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you're right. people who haven't lived with the constant drip of abuse can't understand what it's like.
put into perspective, i had a breakdown and sought therapy for multiple rapes i had suffered in my youth.
i think all of three sessions covered those rapes. after that i spent a year talking about my mother.
the amount of time we spent on each is relative to the damage that had been done. my mother ftw!
don't be upset that some people are fortunate enough that they can't see these few examples are outlining a general pattern.
have you had therapy? getting the right therapist can really change your life completely.
I've been contemplating going to therapy.0 -
So...stop with the victim mentality and do something about it?
I'm not trying to be a 'victim'. If only you knew how hard it was growing up that way. I can't just get over it. I'm sick of comments like that.
I had a rough childhood too. A really rough childhood. I gave up letting it affect me when I was around 16 and moved out of their home. Since then I have never let it dictate my state of mind, which is what you seem to be doing here. The best you can do is move on from it emotionally. If you succumb to those influences, then they win. You are stewing on their treatment of you like it would actually change anything. The only thing that can change is you.
Hello, I've tried just letting things go. Sometimes, this crap comes back up. It's a lot harder than you think to just shut it all out of my damn mind.
Maybe I want to come on here and talk about because I'm having a bad day and want to just talk about my problems. I talk to my husband about it too. I just want to talk to people who have been through it.
I'm not looking for sympathy, just help and answers. I'm sorry that you went through a bad childhood too, but maybe I'm not as strong as you. I just want you to understand before you tell me just to get over it.0 -
I really sympathize with you about the bullying issues in most cases its like reading about myself. even though my situation is a bit different than yours. I lost so far 74 pounds of the 250 I weighed. I thought once I got thinner the bullying would quit. the bully is my step - Grandma. I feel very proud of my accomplishments but she drags them down. when we go to dinner she eats twice what I do yet barks at me for eating something. one time she had her plate piled high with sweets and then me I had one mini cupcake as I was sweets free for a while and thought why not treat me to 1 mini cupcake. well she began to bark
then last Sunday i went to see my friends in concert we went to the buffer at pizza hut she ate 4 times more than me and was barking at my eating also. I got to the point where I had enough so right or wrong I said umm look I weigh 176 pounds lost a total of 74 pounds. I am working out , trying to eat right and I have my days. but here you are pigging out on sweets, pizza piled high and are weigh more than me. yet you constantly bark at me . well no more you need to look at your self. after I said what I did she said I'll shut up now.
I still feel even though I eat better and smaller portions and don't need to be ashamed whenever she comes in the house I feel like I need to sneak really quickly to get something to eat when I am hungry like its some kindo f crime. She doesn't like me to begin with because she uses the infamous I'm mean because I'm old trick and she knows that doesn't fly and I told her your mean cause you choose to be and age has nothing to do with. I know younger people who are mean and older people who are as sweet as apple pie. both of them made the choice on how to act.
I am sorry about your parents treating you so badly. I would speak up for yourself and tell them there bullying and hurtful comments don't help any. I know your not of the age I am where I could put that bully in their place with repercutions but they do need to know how it makes you feel.0 -
if you had an limb that swelled up, caused you near constant pain and stopped you from enjoying life, would you 'contemplate' going to the doctor, or would you recognise your need to get your injury treated?you're right. people who haven't lived with the constant drip of abuse can't understand what it's like.
put into perspective, i had a breakdown and sought therapy for multiple rapes i had suffered in my youth.
i think all of three sessions covered those rapes. after that i spent a year talking about my mother.
the amount of time we spent on each is relative to the damage that had been done. my mother ftw!
don't be upset that some people are fortunate enough that they can't see these few examples are outlining a general pattern.
have you had therapy? getting the right therapist can really change your life completely.
I've been contemplating going to therapy.
you owe it to yourself not to waste a single day more than you have to. get help sooner, get better sooner, start living sooner.
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I'm not trying to be mean, I get terribly defensive, so I apologize.0
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You are right, I'm calling the doctor on Monday.0
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I never thought I would read a story that I can relate to quite so much. My mother always bullied me as a child - like you it hurt far more than the school kids. I was a chubby child but I didn't get the support - just smart remarks. I remember on numerous occasions standing in front of the mirror trying on new clothes and her coming along side me saying 'yeah they look ok but you wont ever be slim like me - it's not like I have to worry about your pinching my clothes!'
It is hard but you have to find a way to let go. Be the better person, be yourself. I don't see my mother any more but it used to fill me with dread. The last time I saw her I made sure I looked 'amazing'. Sure I am still not as slim as her, I cant wear her skinny jeans that she insists on wearing at 50 something even though she really shouldn't but who cares... her jaw hit the floor when she saw me 0
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