So here it is, all the honesty I can muster

I suppose that this is by far one of the most difficult things I have ever written. This is honesty that I have never spoken (or typed) out loud.

I am lazy. Lazy that makes me fat.

I am 26 years old, and have been nearly the same pants size since I was 13. I am 5'9"ish and 214 pounds, and since graduating high school 7 years ago I have gained 54 pounds.

I work as an aide in a long term care facility, and as a home health aide. I have always made excuses for not exercising because my job is physical. *Some of the time*. Are there days that I don't get to sit down? Sure. Not every one. Are there days I don't get to eat lunch? Sure, not usually. Do I have to move people twice my size around? Twice ever. I work here 2.5 days a week.

At my home care job. I sit. I do one chore a day and sit. And pin. And eat. And sit. I work doing this job 2-4 days a week.

My boyfriend (bless his generous heart) bought me a gym membership because that was the only thing on my list 3 years ago. I have gone 4-5 since getting the membership. The gym intimidates and enrages me. I have NEVER had to work at anything as hard as I have had to work at losing weight. When I am at the gym and see the size 2 girl RUNNING (or whatever you do on the elliptical) and laughing and talking with her BFF while I am WALKING on the treadmill with the angle cranked, huffing and puffing, and feeling like a sweaty disgusting mess and concerned that my shorts keep riding up because of chub rub; I kinda want to kill that girl. Maybe not kill so much as terribly maim or injure her.

I know that sounded really harsh, but I promise I am not a sociopath. I really just resent people who can eat whatever they want, or exercise because they "think it's fun" and aren't afraid to tell you so (on either accounts).

My boyfriend and I are opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to weight. He is like 6'0" and 140 pounds and can't gain weight no matter how hard he tries. He eats like a horse (or a small elephant) and doesn't gain an ounce (literally). I look at something that I shouldn't eat, and my belt gets tighter (not so literally). I love him, and he tells me how attractive I am to him and how wonderful I look ALL THE TIME, but I want to be healthy for him. Not skinny, but if that's how it works out, EXCELLENT. He tries to be helpful and encouraging, but doesn't understand how sensitive of a subject it is for me. I want him to be helpful and encouraging, but not like a drill-sergeant or a dad (mine happens to tells me he loves me no matter what I look like).

I have hit my low. We bought a 2 story house not that long ago; bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs, common areas downstairs, and basement-well, in the basement. Our cat food is upstairs in the closet. The cat bowls are in the basement along with their litter boxes. About a week ago, I walked upstairs to get the cat food (2 flights, up and down), down to the basement (1 flight), fed the cats, realized I didn't have a plastic bag, up to the kitchen (1 flight), down to the basement (1 flight), up to take the bag to the trash (1 flight), up to take the food back to the closet (1 flight). So that is 7 flights of stairs, and I was puffing after 2. I used to take 4 flights of stairs at a moderate pace multiple times a day to get to my apartment when I was in college; 4 more to get to my friend's apartment, and 3 more to get to a different friend's apartment without being winded. That day I sat down and nearly cried. What am I going to do when I have kids and need to run to the kitchen for a bottle, or don't have diapers downstairs? INSANE to think that I would have to take a break just to do one small thing.

I suppose for me its easier to not give a crap than do something about it. When we moved in to our house, I made a goal weight sheet and reasons WHY I wanted to get healthier. I have gained from that weight AND feel even more like poop than before.

This is seriously the start of a major life re-vamp. I want to work on EVERYTHING!!!! From finances to fitness to daily chores around the house; MY LIFE needs to get tightened up. I am tired of feeling fat and ready to let my outside show just how awesome my insides are.