I want to cry and scream and..
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Sweet heart, let me let you in on a little secret. Young guys blame their friends when they do stupid ****. So if he's an *kitten* around his friend, then your BF is really an *kitten*. Be smart, move on. There are literally millions of men in this world. You can find another one. You're 19 and beautiful. Move on and don't let him hold you back.0
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I have been in relationships like this, one for 3 years, and what I have learned is that if they make you feel like crying and screaming and whatnot you need to get rid of them. "Oh, but I love him!" is a common response. The truth is, you'll love a lot of people over the course of your life. Why waste your time with one of the ones that makes you feel like this? (Yes, most people need to go through at least a few bad apples before they figure out what not to shop for.) I don't even keep friends around that make me feel like ****, let alone dating partners. Your life could end tomorrow. Or tonight. My life could too. It's just too unpredictable and short to feel any way other than exactly how you want to feel, and I'm assuming wanting to break things isn't it.
People who are saying not to blame the friend are right. Your man knows that you don't like the friend, and he knows that the way he acts around the friend upsets you, and he still has the friend over and makes you feel that way. You have to take a hard line here- because you being upset is a consequence of having the friend around, and he chose to have the friend around, he therefore CHOSE TO UPSET YOU0 -
I just wanted to add, I understand how it is to stick around with someone just because you love them so much. It's not always as easy as just up and leaving, obviously, and it's certainly not always that simple... but, there are few routes to take in this situation. I have been there, in a very similar situation. The thing is, yes, our relationship did get better. We are now married, 6 years this June, but **** was really bad for a long time. I did wrong by him and he treated me like crap for it for years. Sometimes relationships can get better. The question is though, do you really want to wait around indefinitely to see if that happens?
I've been in the same relationship for over 12 years - and I have to admit that over half of that time was spent fighting, lonely, or miserable. As much as I love my husband and things are wonderful between us now (for the most part) I can't say I wouldn't take the bad years back if I could. You are young. I really think you should get out of what seems like a worthless partnership (at least on his end) while you still have something left to offer a different partner in life. There are sooo many wonderful men out in the world, they are just hard to find sometimes. You deserve better - please learn to believe that.
Good luck sweetie. 0 -
Sorry, it sounds like your bf is an @ss and a druggie. I say put your big girl panties on and leave your room and get some food!
Yeah! And really get rid of this guy. If he can't treat you with respect ALL the time then he's not good!0 -
Toss the **** heel & his pills OUT! Re-claim the house & your self respect dear...but you already know this don't you?0
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1 - just because your an adult, you are aloud to cry.
2 - it sounds like you are a prisoner...why can you not leave your room?
Because I dont want to deal with his friends wise cracks focused at me. Can be anything from my attitiude.. My weight (especially my weight) what im wearing. It dont matter. He picks anything. Worst part is.. My bf doesnt even care. He laughs along with james. No care. Not even when im crying from the hurtful things he says.
Your bf is a jerk.0 -
Just dump him. Please. It's not worth the drama.0
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Stop wasting your time everyone. She needed to vent, but she won't actually leave him.
Not until he's walked all over her, not until leaving him will be her only option, not until she grows up enough to realize that this is not what a relationship should be.
^^ I'm pretty sure you're right.0 -
I'm sorry, but unless you're an orphan (and I mean a total orphan, no grandparents or anything), you have family. Go to them. I hate my family sometimes but it's better than hating myself for allowing myself to be trapped in a poopy situation. You have control, you're just not allowing yourself to use it- either because some part of you likes being treated like this (a lot of folks like to have a crutch to fall back on- "oh, I can't have friends because my boyfriend's controlling" saves you the trouble of trying to make friends and being rejected, etc etc, i know because I been there more times than I'd like to admit) or because you haven't woken up and realized that you have options. every single one of us has a brain, thumbs, and feet. use those things to go to your family. put up with them until you can get a job. make some friends at the job. find a place to live. live there. do things that make you happy. don't waste your times on things that make you feel like ****. i think you'll find that doing things that make you happy and being around people who have an iota of respect for you will, well, make you happy.
In my other post I referred to a 3-year poopy relationship in which I felt trapped and helpless. I knew I was miserable for the last two years of it- knew it in every bone in my body. I dreaded coming home to him, I dreaded phone calls from him, we had sexytime only rarely, and I constantly fantasized about telling him off or kicking him out. I felt like I couldn't do it because nobody else would want me, and because he had made me stop talking to all my friends and all I had was his friends (and you know they always side with him), and because I had already spent so much time with him and I didn't want it to be for nothing. There's nothing worse than realizing you've wasted a bunch of years of your life for NOTHING. I had been paying his medical bills, his tuition, letting him live with me, doing his laundry, and putting up with him demonizing me for sleeping with other people before we'd started dating, for talking to ex-girlfriends, for not wanting to get up at 3am when he was suicidally depressed to talk to him about it (I had two jobs at the time). He would get mad at me for things I said in my sleep, he would go through my phone and get mad about my texts, he would cry and lay his head on my lap in public and completely mortify me. This guy was a WRECK, and he dragged me down into it with him. I felt like in being with him for so long, I had sunk so low as to be completely undateable to anyone else, and rather than spend a lifetime alone I had to stay with him. I also got nostalgic sometimes about the first year of our relationship, which had been idyllic, and fooled myself into thinking it could be like that again if I just did and said the right things.
One of my friends finally kidnapped me and dragged me out to a rave (we used to go to those pretty often). I took some molly and ended up sitting outside with this guy who had brought a star chart and was showing me where all the constellations were. I thought the sky was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen at that point. We ended up talking most of the night, and it turned out we had much more in common than I did with my deadbeat loser boyfriend. Just as the sun was coming up he kissed me, and I gladly kissed him back. He asked if he could come home with me so we could spend the next day together. I almost cried when I told him I couldn't because I had a guy waiting for me at home. He took me by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Do what makes you happy." In that moment everything became insanely clear to me. I hadn't done anything that made me happy in two years. I hadn't had someone give a **** about what made me happy in at least that long. I realized that what would make me happy would be to take this guy home and kick my stupid boyfriend out of the house and never speak to him again. I gave the rave guy my number and told him to call me in a week. (he never did, but I didn't care too much after the mdma wore off
) I went home and shook my boyfriend awake and told him I wanted him gone by the time I came home from work that day. I told him he had been making me miserable for years and that although I loved him on some level I didn't LIKE him at ALL. I told him that I hoped his journey went well but that it wasn't my responsibility. I put his stuff out on the driveway and went to work, and when I came home my room was all mine again.
A week later I found out that he had been cheating on me with a 14-year-old asian transgender boy. I would never have known if we hadn't broken up, because while we were together he didn't allow me to talk to the group of friends this kid belonged to. Now I know why. I was devastated for a while, but my new life without him was so much fun I couldn't stay sad for too long- I was too busy with all my new friends, parties, love interests, etc. I had forgotten how much I missed friends I'd had since elementary school, but they took me back with open arms. I had forgotten how it felt to come home happily instead of full of dread.
I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now and he makes me happy every single day, and when he doesn't, I let him know right away and we figure it out. We never go to bed angry with each other. I only wish I hadn't wasted so much time with loserboy- I could have met my Max way sooner, and carried less baggage into our wonderful relationship! Loser**** has a new girlfriend now and I have no idea how they're doing, nor do I care. I assume he's still living with his mom, working at togo's, and failing community college.
I have no idea if your situation is as bad as mine was, but judging by the fact you're trapped in your room asking strangers for sympathy, I'd say it is. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take back your LIFE, woman! You are 19! You can have whatever you want and you choose this?!? stop it! *smack* get ahold of yourself! Your max is out there and if you keep wasting time with this goofball you might never meet him! your LIFE is out there and it's PASSING YOU BY!0 -
Stop wasting your time everyone. She needed to vent, but she won't actually leave him.
Not until he's walked all over her, not until leaving him will be her only option, not until she grows up enough to realize that this is not what a relationship should be.
^^ I'm pretty sure you're right.
Unfortunately, that probably is right, but the girl needs to step up and move on. At 19, your whole life is ahead of you, OP. Either make it something special or doom yourself to misery with a jerk. Your choice.0 -
I'm sorry, but unless you're an orphan (and I mean a total orphan, no grandparents or anything), you have family. Go to them. I hate my family sometimes but it's better than hating myself for allowing myself to be trapped in a poopy situation. You have control, you're just not allowing yourself to use it- either because some part of you likes being treated like this (a lot of folks like to have a crutch to fall back on- "oh, I can't have friends because my boyfriend's controlling" saves you the trouble of trying to make friends and being rejected, etc etc, i know because I been there more times than I'd like to admit) or because you haven't woken up and realized that you have options. every single one of us has a brain, thumbs, and feet. use those things to go to your family. put up with them until you can get a job. make some friends at the job. find a place to live. live there. do things that make you happy. don't waste your times on things that make you feel like ****. i think you'll find that doing things that make you happy and being around people who have an iota of respect for you will, well, make you happy.
In my other post I referred to a 3-year poopy relationship in which I felt trapped and helpless. I knew I was miserable for the last two years of it- knew it in every bone in my body. I dreaded coming home to him, I dreaded phone calls from him, we had sexytime only rarely, and I constantly fantasized about telling him off or kicking him out. I felt like I couldn't do it because nobody else would want me, and because he had made me stop talking to all my friends and all I had was his friends (and you know they always side with him), and because I had already spent so much time with him and I didn't want it to be for nothing. There's nothing worse than realizing you've wasted a bunch of years of your life for NOTHING. I had been paying his medical bills, his tuition, letting him live with me, doing his laundry, and putting up with him demonizing me for sleeping with other people before we'd started dating, for talking to ex-girlfriends, for not wanting to get up at 3am when he was suicidally depressed to talk to him about it (I had two jobs at the time). He would get mad at me for things I said in my sleep, he would go through my phone and get mad about my texts, he would cry and lay his head on my lap in public and completely mortify me. This guy was a WRECK, and he dragged me down into it with him. I felt like in being with him for so long, I had sunk so low as to be completely undateable to anyone else, and rather than spend a lifetime alone I had to stay with him. I also got nostalgic sometimes about the first year of our relationship, which had been idyllic, and fooled myself into thinking it could be like that again if I just did and said the right things.
One of my friends finally kidnapped me and dragged me out to a rave (we used to go to those pretty often). I took some molly and ended up sitting outside with this guy who had brought a star chart and was showing me where all the constellations were. I thought the sky was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen at that point. We ended up talking most of the night, and it turned out we had much more in common than I did with my deadbeat loser boyfriend. Just as the sun was coming up he kissed me, and I gladly kissed him back. He asked if he could come home with me so we could spend the next day together. I almost cried when I told him I couldn't because I had a guy waiting for me at home. He took me by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Do what makes you happy." In that moment everything became insanely clear to me. I hadn't done anything that made me happy in two years. I hadn't had someone give a **** about what made me happy in at least that long. I realized that what would make me happy would be to take this guy home and kick my stupid boyfriend out of the house and never speak to him again. I gave the rave guy my number and told him to call me in a week. (he never did, but I didn't care too much after the mdma wore off) I went home and shook my boyfriend awake and told him I wanted him gone by the time I came home from work that day. I told him he had been making me miserable for years and that although I loved him on some level I didn't LIKE him at ALL. I told him that I hoped his journey went well but that it wasn't my responsibility. I put his stuff out on the driveway and went to work, and when I came home my room was all mine again.
A week later I found out that he had been cheating on me with a 14-year-old asian transgender boy. I would never have known if we hadn't broken up, because while we were together he didn't allow me to talk to the group of friends this kid belonged to. Now I know why. I was devastated for a while, but my new life without him was so much fun I couldn't stay sad for too long- I was too busy with all my new friends, parties, love interests, etc. I had forgotten how much I missed friends I'd had since elementary school, but they took me back with open arms. I had forgotten how it felt to come home happily instead of full of dread.
I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now and he makes me happy every single day, and when he doesn't, I let him know right away and we figure it out. We never go to bed angry with each other. I only wish I hadn't wasted so much time with loserboy- I could have met my Max way sooner, and carried less baggage into our wonderful relationship! Loser**** has a new girlfriend now and I have no idea how they're doing, nor do I care. I assume he's still living with his mom, working at togo's, and failing community college.
I have no idea if your situation is as bad as mine was, but judging by the fact you're trapped in your room asking strangers for sympathy, I'd say it is. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take back your LIFE, woman! You are 19! You can have whatever you want and you choose this?!? stop it! *smack* get ahold of yourself! Your max is out there and if you keep wasting time with this goofball you might never meet him! your LIFE is out there and it's PASSING YOU BY!
Holy Over-share.0 -
To Pu_239,
Whats that? High divorce rates are indeed caused by people throwing in the towel too early. However, in this girl's situation, she isn't married, and even if she was, doesn't mean she has to put up with this kind of ****. Sometimes 'running away' is the best thing you can do for yourself and the other person.0 -
Whats that? High divorce rates are indeed caused by people throwing in the towel too early. However, in this girl's situation, she isn't married, and even if she was, doesn't mean she has to put up with this kind of ****.
^ Yep. High divorce rates are also caused by *kitten* hats who don't know how to treat women.
You mean buy her everything she wants, and let her walk all over you? Are you single??/
No, I've been married to the same woman for 21 years and have 2 beautiful children. Want to compare notes or are you popping pills?
THAT was sooo uncalled for. Wow.0 -
Be with someone that makes you feel good about yourself and makes you want to be a better you. Be with someone because you want to be with them, not because you have to be with them. Be with someone that you trust and that trusts you.0
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Hey PU_239.... they're not married.
They're NOT MARRIED. It's okay for her to leave. This isn't about divorce; this is about getting away from a jerk who isn't going to EVER be husband material.0 -
Reading this thread - your follow-up posts - it sounds like you were feeling pretty emotional when you posted originally. As someone has already stated, it's pretty difficult to get clear picture of a relationship based on a few posts. So, let's say this isn't a pattern and your boyfriend hangs out with a really bad influence. I think you're getting enough relationship advice already.
What bothers me about your post is the prison you have created for yourself. You describe being unable to eat because there is no food in your room and you refuse to walk through the room where boyfriend and his friend are. If you feel physically threatened, that's a different issue altogether, and you need to seek help with that immediately.
If you are simply mad or uncomfortable with walking into a room to get something to eat, you may need to think about your commitment to MFP, eating in general, and being healthy. Own your choices. It will make you stronger. Again, unless you are threatened, you are choosing to stay in your room. Go eat. Solve that problem first. Then come back and let us fix your relationship.0 -
I did finally go get some food. Wasnt easy but I did. I just ignored them. And i guess starved was a strog word. Was hungry but fine. It was just dinner time and my body knew it.0
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Sorry, it sounds like your bf is an @ss and a druggie. I say put your big girl panties on and leave your room and get some food!
Second this
Go get the food, and do what you want in your place. Maybe you can go out for a drive for awhile and get out of there. And I hope you and your boyfriend can figure out a way to have a healthier relationship together :frown:
Can you go out and hang with a friend?0 -
If he truly loved you he would treat you right all of the time, including when his friend was around. Sometimes in life you have to let go of certain people, so that someone better can have the chance to come into your life. A lot of times, chances at happiness are missed because we are too afraid to let go of something that we are better off without.0
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I'm sorry, but unless you're an orphan (and I mean a total orphan, no grandparents or anything), you have family. Go to them. I hate my family sometimes but it's better than hating myself for allowing myself to be trapped in a poopy situation. You have control, you're just not allowing yourself to use it- either because some part of you likes being treated like this (a lot of folks like to have a crutch to fall back on- "oh, I can't have friends because my boyfriend's controlling" saves you the trouble of trying to make friends and being rejected, etc etc, i know because I been there more times than I'd like to admit) or because you haven't woken up and realized that you have options. every single one of us has a brain, thumbs, and feet. use those things to go to your family. put up with them until you can get a job. make some friends at the job. find a place to live. live there. do things that make you happy. don't waste your times on things that make you feel like ****. i think you'll find that doing things that make you happy and being around people who have an iota of respect for you will, well, make you happy.
In my other post I referred to a 3-year poopy relationship in which I felt trapped and helpless. I knew I was miserable for the last two years of it- knew it in every bone in my body. I dreaded coming home to him, I dreaded phone calls from him, we had sexytime only rarely, and I constantly fantasized about telling him off or kicking him out. I felt like I couldn't do it because nobody else would want me, and because he had made me stop talking to all my friends and all I had was his friends (and you know they always side with him), and because I had already spent so much time with him and I didn't want it to be for nothing. There's nothing worse than realizing you've wasted a bunch of years of your life for NOTHING. I had been paying his medical bills, his tuition, letting him live with me, doing his laundry, and putting up with him demonizing me for sleeping with other people before we'd started dating, for talking to ex-girlfriends, for not wanting to get up at 3am when he was suicidally depressed to talk to him about it (I had two jobs at the time). He would get mad at me for things I said in my sleep, he would go through my phone and get mad about my texts, he would cry and lay his head on my lap in public and completely mortify me. This guy was a WRECK, and he dragged me down into it with him. I felt like in being with him for so long, I had sunk so low as to be completely undateable to anyone else, and rather than spend a lifetime alone I had to stay with him. I also got nostalgic sometimes about the first year of our relationship, which had been idyllic, and fooled myself into thinking it could be like that again if I just did and said the right things.
One of my friends finally kidnapped me and dragged me out to a rave (we used to go to those pretty often). I took some molly and ended up sitting outside with this guy who had brought a star chart and was showing me where all the constellations were. I thought the sky was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen at that point. We ended up talking most of the night, and it turned out we had much more in common than I did with my deadbeat loser boyfriend. Just as the sun was coming up he kissed me, and I gladly kissed him back. He asked if he could come home with me so we could spend the next day together. I almost cried when I told him I couldn't because I had a guy waiting for me at home. He took me by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "Do what makes you happy." In that moment everything became insanely clear to me. I hadn't done anything that made me happy in two years. I hadn't had someone give a **** about what made me happy in at least that long. I realized that what would make me happy would be to take this guy home and kick my stupid boyfriend out of the house and never speak to him again. I gave the rave guy my number and told him to call me in a week. (he never did, but I didn't care too much after the mdma wore off) I went home and shook my boyfriend awake and told him I wanted him gone by the time I came home from work that day. I told him he had been making me miserable for years and that although I loved him on some level I didn't LIKE him at ALL. I told him that I hoped his journey went well but that it wasn't my responsibility. I put his stuff out on the driveway and went to work, and when I came home my room was all mine again.
A week later I found out that he had been cheating on me with a 14-year-old asian transgender boy. I would never have known if we hadn't broken up, because while we were together he didn't allow me to talk to the group of friends this kid belonged to. Now I know why. I was devastated for a while, but my new life without him was so much fun I couldn't stay sad for too long- I was too busy with all my new friends, parties, love interests, etc. I had forgotten how much I missed friends I'd had since elementary school, but they took me back with open arms. I had forgotten how it felt to come home happily instead of full of dread.
I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now and he makes me happy every single day, and when he doesn't, I let him know right away and we figure it out. We never go to bed angry with each other. I only wish I hadn't wasted so much time with loserboy- I could have met my Max way sooner, and carried less baggage into our wonderful relationship! Loser**** has a new girlfriend now and I have no idea how they're doing, nor do I care. I assume he's still living with his mom, working at togo's, and failing community college.
I have no idea if your situation is as bad as mine was, but judging by the fact you're trapped in your room asking strangers for sympathy, I'd say it is. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take back your LIFE, woman! You are 19! You can have whatever you want and you choose this?!? stop it! *smack* get ahold of yourself! Your max is out there and if you keep wasting time with this goofball you might never meet him! your LIFE is out there and it's PASSING YOU BY!
Holy Over-share.
I'm going to go ahead and say "thank you." My post was not intended to help you, but I'm hoping that my experiences will help the author of the thread. Sometimes people feel like they're alone and that their situation is the crappiest thing ever and that nobody gets what they're going through. I want her to know that's not the case, and having been in what is probably an even crappier situation than hers, I'm in a unique place to help. If my crappy story will help another person, I really don't care if it's too much or not, or what anyone besides the person I'm trying to help thinks.
But again, thank you.0
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