Dumped because I am fat...what do you think?

Hi everyone! I have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. He met me when I was overweight and didn't have a big problem with it. We were attracted to each other and had a pretty happy relationship. His family recently visited for the first time, and ever since then he has been treating me differently. When we talked about marriage, he said that he won't propose unless I lose a lot of weight. He said his family made him realize how heavy I am and he doesn't want to be with me if I am that overweight. I am 5'4" and 250 pounds. He said he doesn't want to be walking in the mall with me and have people wonder why he is with me. He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks. He wants someone that wears bikinis and short shorts. He said he has only been holding onto me because he loves me and hopes I will change. He said he would pay for me to reduce my boobs now just so I would look less heavy.

Obviously this hurt me a lot since I have been struggling with my weight since my sophomore year of college. He knows I try hard to lose and fall back into unhealthy emotional patterns. I have gone through surgery lately and faced setbacks. It hurts me that he loves me for me until he saw what his family said about my weight. Especially since they aren't thin people either. (Even he isn't super active and has a bit of a belly)

So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?

oh wow.. first off, hell no! I wouldn't change for him or his family! !! I would say I got alotta *kitten* for yall to get to kissing! I have lost weight 2 times and my fiancé is shocked that I still want to loose! he told me that he never realized thtat I got as big as I did, but he is more open to the idea of being physically able to do stuff. I could of never lifted weights before.. now that is what I do and I think it scared him.. any way. I would not change for the family. I would ask them y do u get to dictate to him that I am overweight? just because im not a size 2 don't mean im not a human and that I don't have feelings and that I cant love or be loved! personally it would have offeneded me cause what if you did loose all the weight and you go to the mall together and he sees a redhead? would he then tell you that you need to color your hair? or if he likes tan girls? one of these days he would have to accept you for who you are and if you are trying to loose weight, then keep trying, and I would dump him and his family!thats just me1~

I am so sorry someone you love hurt you so much. The things he said to you were inexcusable and, I imagine, incredibly painful.

A couple thoughts I had: you ask if you should make yourself a "better person" for him. Is he trying to be a "better person" for you? You need someone who is more willing to work on himself than he is to point out the ways he feels you need to work on yourself. If you are already attempting to live a healthier lifestyle, then you are already bettering yourself. Also, some of the worst people I have ever met are skinny, short-shorts-wearing women. Size =/= quality of person.

Secondly, it's not his fault if he is attracted to thinner women (we can't choose what physical type we are attracted to), but that does NOT give him the right to talk to you the way he did and to throw that fact in your face. He either needs to accept that this is the size you are now (even if it's not the size you will be forever) and see all the beauty that is you. If he chooses not to see that, then he is of weak, deficient character and there is no reason to take anything he says about you to heart.

Last thought: no one should manipulate you into losing weight, ESPECIALLY by withholding a marriage proposal or mentioning that he likes to check out other women (potentially implying that if you don't lose weight he'll cheat on you with a skinny chick). That. Is. Disgusting. My heart hurts for you that someone is treating you this way. My weight and my husband's weight have both fluctuated quite a bit in the time we've been together, but no matter what sizes we are we are still wildly attracted to each other, love each other, and treat each other with respect and kind words. I married him when he was at his heaviest. Do I drool over Ryan Gosling's abs on occasion? Sure. Would I ever berate my husband for having a soft belly instead of perfectly chiseled six-pack abs? Absolutely not. His worth and quality are found in a thousand other things that make up the entire man he is and I could give a crap what that is packaged in (as long as he is healthy, of course). It is much harder to be a good person than to be a skinny person, and it is of much more value in life to be a good person than to be just a skinny person.

That being said, only you can decide if you want to put up with it. Do you really think he is "perfect" for you (as he says you are for him, minus the weight issue)? Do you see his current attitude something you want to live with for the rest of your life, and if he spoke to and treated your future children in a similar way, would you be fine with it? I would hope that you say "no" to those questions, but ultimately it's up to you and what you want. Best of luck, hon.

Beating a dead horse here but....
How shallow is he?? Seriously!!
Tell him to beat it, Jack.
Then lose all the extra weight, work out like mad and transform yourself into a smokin, STRONG and HEALTHY drop dread gorgeous babe.
Then plan to meet him to "catch up" and show off the new you as a "This-is-what-you-lost-Idiot " moment.
REVENGE CAN BE SO SWEET!

Of course, you should just do this anyway for YOURSELF and YOUR HEALTH.
Also... your boyfriend's a jerk.

Doll, I'd slap him sideways.
That was just uncalled for. You're gorgeous and obviously such a sweet girl- and he practically said he thinks he's in a higher league than you? Uh-uh.
If he's not the same guy you fell inlove with, and no longer cares about your feelings, leave his unappreciative butt immediately.
x

I would definitely follow the advice of the person who said, "Run." Anyone who is so shallow that he's more concerned about how you look and how HE looks to others for being with you spells trouble for the long term. It's sad that he can't get past appearances and remember why he fell in love with you in the first place. You know you are the same person inside, thin or fat. Unfortunately, this is a fact in American society: people judge when they have never walked in your shoes and don't take a look at their own flaws first. Hang in there, and become healthier for yourself and your quality of life, not ever for anyone else.

You are going to get tons of advice. i would say to you.. Look at how he's made you feel and ask yourself if that's what you want for you? Love yourself first and then you can understand how to love another.

You may lose weight, but you will lose it for you and to make yourself healthier and stronger. At that point you might look at him and realize that he's not the right person for you.

Love yourself first!!!!!

Love is a verb, not a feeling. If he 'loved' you, he would be by your side fighting the battle with you instead of throwing it in your face to deal with because he's not man enough to walk beside a beautiful woman regardless of her size. His actions show he values his family and their opinion over you, which is a BAD sign. If the apron strings are that tight, you are in for a future of problems any time his family wants to interfere. Time to move on.

Hmmm ,he sounds very shallow, I would not waste anymore time with him, but what I would do is lose the weight for yourself, to be healthy , more active, you only get to be young once, don't waste it..

Run.

Run far away.

That is NOT love.

Run.

And keep running until you can't see him and you've lost all the weight for YOURself!

What bothers me is the things he said. If someone who loves us is concerned about our weight and is wanting to help, they can simply say, "I'm worried about your health and want you to feel happy and good about yourself. How can I help you through this journey? Maybe we can do it together. I'll be here for you no matter what." He said, "I want to be with someone who wears bikinis and looks like thin girls that I check out and I'll buy you a breast reduction to look thinner." Do you hear the difference? His approach was selfish, unkind, and unsupportive. You may need to evaluate if this is his overall attitude towards you, how he makes you feel about yourself and if you are willing to continue to be treated this way. You are beautiful and there are plenty of men out there who would love you for you, curves and all!

That was my first thought when I read her post. Nothing was said about him wanting her to be healthy so they could stay together as long as possible. I had a similar thing happen with my husband. We met online and he knew I was overweight. When I got there, the second day, I knew something was off. When I talked to him he admitted that he didn't want to be with me because I was bigger than he thought. I was so hurt. I was ready to fly back home the next day but something changed in him and he was more caring and loving. We were due to get married 2 months later and I constantly wondered up until the moment he showed up at the airport if he would follow through.

He did! And we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. It took a very long time to get over what was said to me and it caused a lot of grief but I knew he loved me unconditionally. He is a man of God now and our marriage is so much stronger today and I'm finally getting healthy. He is my biggest supporter!

Something his family said made him think and say some hurtful things. I agree that you should only get healthy for yourself but I would really sit down and have a heart to heart with him and get to the bottom of things. I think if I would have walked away from my husband, I would have missed out on the most amazing and adventurous days of my life! Words can't be taken back but time and commitment from him will heal that pain and eventually go away.