Dumped because I am fat...what do you think?

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Replies

  • itgeekwoman
    itgeekwoman Posts: 804 Member
    You are going to get tons of advice. i would say to you.. Look at how he's made you feel and ask yourself if that's what you want for you? Love yourself first and then you can understand how to love another.

    You may lose weight, but you will lose it for you and to make yourself healthier and stronger. At that point you might look at him and realize that he's not the right person for you.

    Love yourself first!!!!!
  • littlewitch1973
    littlewitch1973 Posts: 139
    First, go to a therapist to deal with the emotional eating. There are people who specialize in eating disorders, and online support groups you can get involved in - that will help you take control of your emotional eating. (You said you have issues - this is the only reason I bring it up. I have them as well!)

    Second, go to a therapist to deal with your self-esteem ... and I'm not saying this to be mean - I was there, 100 lbs ago - I would put up with a lot of crap from my ex just because I thought I had to - I didnt even realize I was doing it until I went to therapy (I was contemplating leaving the relationship!) and the therapist brought things out of me. Now, I am happier alone than with someone who only cares about looks or money.

    Third - set that boy straight - tell him he loved you for who you were when he met you, and if he doesnt love you just as much now, HE isnt the one for you. YOU deserve better... yes, you have a history - but, its better to realizez now, rather than 10 years down the road that he is a jerk, and wouldnt stand by you.

    Think things thru. Take a 'time out', talk to a professional, and good luck!
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    Love is a verb, not a feeling. If he 'loved' you, he would be by your side fighting the battle with you instead of throwing it in your face to deal with because he's not man enough to walk beside a beautiful woman regardless of her size. His actions show he values his family and their opinion over you, which is a BAD sign. If the apron strings are that tight, you are in for a future of problems any time his family wants to interfere. Time to move on.
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
    People fall in and out of love all the time. There are also 2 sides to every story...and we're only hearing yours. You may have changed a great deal (in his opinion) without knowing it.

    The truth hurts. Deal with and move on. Or just keep crying and throw yourself a pity party. Either way.
  • supermodelchic
    supermodelchic Posts: 550 Member
    Hmmm ,he sounds very shallow, I would not waste anymore time with him, but what I would do is lose the weight for yourself, to be healthy , more active, you only get to be young once, don't waste it..
  • whutchinson08
    whutchinson08 Posts: 1 Member
    Honestly, if he really loved you, weight would not matter. My husband married me when I was 240 lbs. I started losing the weight a year after we were married. If you really want to lose the weight, the only way to do it is for you not some guy. Saying you are "perfect except for your weight" would have been enough reason for me to kick him in the teeth.
  • belleparis
    belleparis Posts: 111
    Run.

    Run far away.

    That is NOT love.

    Run.

    And keep running until you can't see him and you've lost all the weight for YOURself!
  • sundancer1966
    sundancer1966 Posts: 478 Member
    Run.

    Run far away.

    That is NOT love.

    Run.

    This. you want someone who loves you, and that is not love.
  • maegmez
    maegmez Posts: 341 Member
    What bothers me is the things he said. If someone who loves us is concerned about our weight and is wanting to help, they can simply say, "I'm worried about your health and want you to feel happy and good about yourself. How can I help you through this journey? Maybe we can do it together. I'll be here for you no matter what." He said, "I want to be with someone who wears bikinis and looks like thin girls that I check out and I'll buy you a breast reduction to look thinner." Do you hear the difference? His approach was selfish, unkind, and unsupportive. You may need to evaluate if this is his overall attitude towards you, how he makes you feel about yourself and if you are willing to continue to be treated this way. You are beautiful and there are plenty of men out there who would love you for you, curves and all! :)

    That was my first thought when I read her post. Nothing was said about him wanting her to be healthy so they could stay together as long as possible. I had a similar thing happen with my husband. We met online and he knew I was overweight. When I got there, the second day, I knew something was off. When I talked to him he admitted that he didn't want to be with me because I was bigger than he thought. I was so hurt. I was ready to fly back home the next day but something changed in him and he was more caring and loving. We were due to get married 2 months later and I constantly wondered up until the moment he showed up at the airport if he would follow through.

    He did! And we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. It took a very long time to get over what was said to me and it caused a lot of grief but I knew he loved me unconditionally. He is a man of God now and our marriage is so much stronger today and I'm finally getting healthy. He is my biggest supporter!

    Something his family said made him think and say some hurtful things. I agree that you should only get healthy for yourself but I would really sit down and have a heart to heart with him and get to the bottom of things. I think if I would have walked away from my husband, I would have missed out on the most amazing and adventurous days of my life! Words can't be taken back but time and commitment from him will heal that pain and eventually go away.
  • michellyn
    michellyn Posts: 108 Member
    Run. Fast. If you lose the weight for him, you will always live with the insecurity that he loves you only for your looks. He isn't caring about you, but about himself (If he'd said, "Hey, I want to live the rest of my life with you, so let's come up with a plan to cook healthier meals and go exercise together," I'd have a totally different suggestion). A man who loves you will not be embarrassed to be seen with you, no matter what weight you are. My husband loved me when I married him, a little overweight. He loves me now, even though I'm more overweight. He really doesn't see how heavy I am. He loves me for who I am. All relationships have their struggles, but this is such a basic. I'm sure it hurts right now, but he is NOT worth it.
  • kittyx2
    kittyx2 Posts: 33 Member
    You should only lose weight for *you*, for your health first & foremost & also to feel confident in your self.

    You deserve better than this guy. His comments don't show any concern for you or your health. Instead he just seems to want an arm trophy to show off to his family & friends.

    The best thing would be to find a guy who loves you for who you are & is supportive of you & your goals, and then still work on your weight loss goals for your own improved health.
  • Cupcakehippiemommy
    Cupcakehippiemommy Posts: 457 Member
    Drop him like I know you will drop the extra lbs ! I am sorry this happened, but you seem like a smart girl. How do I know this? because you have an account here on MFP :) Good luck doll!!
  • k____
    k____ Posts: 4
    So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?

    I would be absolutely hurt and horrified at this. His family meets you for the first time after you both had been dating for 2.5 years, I WOULD THINK that's long enough for him to love you for you and stand up FOR you to them. Absolutely superficial and shallow on all accounts. You losing weight should not be a condition for a proposal of marriage, I mean for me that would have been a deal breaker! He should have been supporting you in your weight loss journey, and again, he should have stood up for you to his family if he truly loved you for you. Put him in your past! Good luck, I'm rooting for you in all of your happiness! :smile:
  • Kay2405
    Kay2405 Posts: 54
    If you want to lose the weight for yourself, go for it. There's nothing more encouraging than setting yourself a goal and doing it for yourself.

    If he can't appreciate you for who you are, he doesn't really love you. No one says that to someone they love, that's ridiculous.

    I would ditch him. It might suck for a while and you might be hurting, but use that to kick butt in the gym. It's the perfect opportunity. When I'm angry, I go to the gym and I work out. I feel so much better for it afterwards.

    I know you'll do well, because you'll end up doing it for the right reasons.

    Kay.
  • pinkgurl87
    pinkgurl87 Posts: 25
    That is horrible :( sigh this is why I hate being fat people treat us like crap even though we are just human.
  • Cmr317
    Cmr317 Posts: 2
    Hey Jess
    I give you lots of credit for putting this out there. I know exactly how you feel. My situation is a little different as I was "thin" when I met my husband and got married. Three kids later and 17 years, I'm not that perfect size 8 anymore. My situation is a whole other message lol

    My honest advice is to dump his *kitten*. If he truly loved you, he would love everything about you. I think you are right in saying that if you lose the weight his parents will find something else wrong with you. I know it is soooooooooo hard to end a relationship and even harder to find someone when we don't have the perfect body but you will. Just stay strong. Lose the weight because you want to not because anyone will love you or like you more. You will always be you inside.
  • kizzyb1977
    kizzyb1977 Posts: 199 Member
    It's HORRIBLE that he is treating you this way after all of the time you have been together. Unfortunately I think you are right about his family. If you were to lose the weight they probably would find something else they would want you to change. Sounds like maybe nobody will be good enough for their son.

    However, if you are going to lose the weight, do it for yourself and NOT for him or anyone else. Good luck!!
  • Afura
    Afura Posts: 2,054 Member
    I didn't read the other replies, so if mine echo's someone else, well, great minds think alike. I think he's shallow, and trying to follow societies accepted standard of norm, put in by pressure by his family. If he truly loved you, he would love all of you, not because of bikinis and checking you out. Ugh.
    Now, if he had said that he wanted you to loose weight because he wanted you to be healthy, and happy, and live a long life, I could understand those reason.
    But that he gave you an ultimatum on top of all that? That's not love. What's going to be the next ultimatum that he gives you? It may never end. It's emotional blackmail, don't let yourself be fooled calling it anything else.

    Loose the weight if you're ready to loose the weight. Do it for you, because you love you, not because someone demands it of you. Loose the guy because you love you, not someone that's going to blackmail you into things.
  • misspastry
    misspastry Posts: 109 Member
    can u blame him?
  • ladylass89
    ladylass89 Posts: 21
    Wow. Gotta love people. I'm so sorry, that's completely awful. You will lose the weight in YOUR time when YOU'RE ready. Not on anyone else's schedule, and sure as hell not on his. I know it's messy because the whole relationship is tangled up in it, but I think you're smart in thinking what if his family finds something else wrong with you?
    He should be sticking up for you.
    Not being the *kitten* he is.
    I'm sorry :(
  • HiKaren
    HiKaren Posts: 1,306 Member
    Love is a verb, not a feeling. If he 'loved' you, he would be by your side fighting the battle with you instead of throwing it in your face to deal with because he's not man enough to walk beside a beautiful woman regardless of her size. His actions show he values his family and their opinion over you, which is a BAD sign. If the apron strings are that tight, you are in for a future of problems any time his family wants to interfere. Time to move on.

    I agree with this.
  • babyweight100
    babyweight100 Posts: 5 Member
    Hi, nice to meet you. I cant really say much as i dont know your boyfriend. Could it be that he is hurting you for you? Maybe he really loves you and your health is more important to him than the two of you being together. Some people lose weight after break-ups.　Or another possibility might be that he is not strong enough. His parents might have told him what he should prepare himself for, and he might be scared that you might get seriously ill, and he is not strong enough to see you suffer so this is his plea for help. Obviously, you want to be with someone thatll stick by your side, but maybe you just need to be the stronger one and lose the weight-both for you and your future together as it will affect him if your health declines. I know you are making an effort, or you wouldnt be here, so good for you! But like I said, I dont know him so I cant say, but if you trust that he loves you, believe in him! As long as he just wants you to be healthy and not anorexic, he is a keeper in my book!
  • lisabinco
    lisabinco Posts: 1,016 Member
    You should lost weight for yourself, for your health, not for him.
    Absolutely THIS.
    Aren't you worth it? You deserve good health, and only you can give it to yourself.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    can u blame him?

    I really hope you are trolling.
  • BamaBreezeNSaltAire
    BamaBreezeNSaltAire Posts: 966 Member
    He has every right to demand standards, he's voicing them to you. That you're perfect save for the physical aspect.

    Chemistry and attractiveness is very important and I understand the people that are saying "dump him blah blah blah" but he deserves someone whom he is attracted to.

    He's holding on because he believes you have it in you to change. He wants someone he finds sexy. Someone who is going to take care of theirself and live long. Someone who will be able to enjoy him sexually without being out of breath. Someone who will be able to be active with his children. Someone who WILL be able to have children (or at least the reason wouldn't be because they are overweight)

    He loves you. But he wants to love all of you. Nothing wrong with that.

    As far as changing yourself for him, that's on you. I'm sure at the end of the day, you want to lose weight and be healthy because you would feel better. So do it for you. Change for you.

    I call B.S. on this one. Sorry to disagree but the words "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health" are never more true. He saw what he was getting into to start with and only after his parents met her he begins to act like this. Yes he has the right to chose what he wants but he does NOT love this lady in the way a man loves his wife should. You NEVER EVER go into a relationship wanting to change someone because that's your issues, not theirs.
  • jenbk2
    jenbk2 Posts: 614 Member
    If he doesn't love you at your "worst" don't you dare let him love you at your best. You are a beautiful woman ! Someone who would say that to you is not worth your time. If his family has that much control over him believe me you do not want him.
  • obrientp
    obrientp Posts: 546 Member
    Be glad you've only wasted 2.5 years with this insensitive jerk.
  • BamaBreezeNSaltAire
    BamaBreezeNSaltAire Posts: 966 Member
    Run.

    Run far away.

    That is NOT love.

    Run.

    And keep running until you can't see him and you've lost all the weight for YOURself!

    X1000
  • Catlady87
    Catlady87 Posts: 302 Member
    If you're perfect for him EXCEPT for your weight you're not perfect for him.
    Dump his *kitten*, lose the weight for yourself and then find him in 3 years time show off how fan-effing-tactic you look and then tell him that he had his chance and lost it for being a hypocritical, selfish arsehole!!
  • ashb811
    ashb811 Posts: 17
    You are beautiful the way you are and the one and only person you should lose weight for is yourself. If he cannot accept you the way you are then he never will unfortunately. This journey is all about you and no one else, so do what you want to do for yourself. The rest will fall into place. Sorry you're going thru this!

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