Dumped because I am fat...what do you think?

Hi everyone! I have been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. He met me when I was overweight and didn't have a big problem with it. We were attracted to each other and had a pretty happy relationship. His family recently visited for the first time, and ever since then he has been treating me differently. When we talked about marriage, he said that he won't propose unless I lose a lot of weight. He said his family made him realize how heavy I am and he doesn't want to be with me if I am that overweight. I am 5'4" and 250 pounds. He said he doesn't want to be walking in the mall with me and have people wonder why he is with me. He wants to check me out the way he does thin chicks. He wants someone that wears bikinis and short shorts. He said he has only been holding onto me because he loves me and hopes I will change. He said he would pay for me to reduce my boobs now just so I would look less heavy.

Obviously this hurt me a lot since I have been struggling with my weight since my sophomore year of college. He knows I try hard to lose and fall back into unhealthy emotional patterns. I have gone through surgery lately and faced setbacks. It hurts me that he loves me for me until he saw what his family said about my weight. Especially since they aren't thin people either. (Even he isn't super active and has a bit of a belly)

So - here is where your opinion comes in. How would you react to this? What do you think about it? Would you try to lose the weight and be a better person for him or would you see him as superficial and shallow? Obviously, I am trying to lose weight anyway. I guess I am wondering if you would take this as him trying to help you look better and be nice about it, or if you would be offended and move on. He says I am perfect for him except for my weight. I feel like if I fix my weight FOR him, he and his family might just find something else that they don't like either. I am wondering if I should move on or feel grateful that he told me?

Dump the S.O.B. and then lose weight for yourself.

I have to say I don't agree with a lot of the other replies. My ex boyfriend dumped me partly because I lost all confidence in myself due to my weight and became really introverted. Up until that point he had never had a problem with my size in the 9 years we were together even though I was 180lbs at my heaviest and I'm not very tall. I was so miserable at that size and I wish he had told me to do something about it because some of us need a reality check.

When I became single I was sure I would never met anyone else but I met my current partner and he told me from the start that he liked thin women although he liked me as a person. He liked me for me inside but he wouldn't have stayed with me if I'd stayed that big. He was the motivation I needed and I lost a almost 60 lbs in the first 6 months we were together. I felt so much better about myself and although it's not been easy to stay so much smaller and my weight has fluctuated he has helped me stop it getting out of control again and I have my self respect back. I am so glad I didn't stay with my ex as I dread to think how big if be now.

After my experience I'd definitely say to stay with him for a bit longer and see if you are able to lose the weight. If his attitude changes then you'll know it was worth staying and if not then leave him. I have now made fitness a huge part of my life for the last 11 years and when my eating habits start getting a little out of hand my boyfriend let's me know he's not happy which I'm thankful for because I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror or in photos when I was big yet I just kept on eating!

He also keeps fit and looks pretty good himself and I know I wouldn't like him if he was overweight so I don't think he's said anything wrong. So called friends of mine tell me I'm fine and I don't need to lose weight because they won't be honest even though I have very high body fat and look terrible in a bikini and if everyone around me was like that I'd probably be 200-300 pounds by now.

He is an immature chap who you are better off without.
His family will continue to judge his choice of partner until he dates someone his Dad fancies his chances with.

You probably weren't right for him as you are not his cousin/sister/aunt.

*the above is a joke, like him. No offence intended for the blatant stereo type, Deliverance has allot to answer for!

If he truely loved you for you it shouldnt matter what size you are. Dont lose weight for him. Do it for your self hun. I am with a guy who loves me for me. Im losing the weight for me not for him. He always say i can be big as a house or small like a mouse he will always love me.
So If he listens to his family he is stupid because if he is happy with you he will love you for you and it shouldnt matter.

I say dump him... and then get super hot and rub it in his face.

Or at least, thats what I would do

^^^ this. He is shallow and doesn't deserve you!

He has every right to demand standards, he's voicing them to you. That you're perfect save for the physical aspect.

Chemistry and attractiveness is very important and I understand the people that are saying "dump him blah blah blah" but he deserves someone whom he is attracted to.

He's holding on because he believes you have it in you to change. He wants someone he finds sexy. Someone who is going to take care of theirself and live long. Someone who will be able to enjoy him sexually without being out of breath. Someone who will be able to be active with his children. Someone who WILL be able to have children (or at least the reason wouldn't be because they are overweight)

He loves you. But he wants to love all of you. Nothing wrong with that.

As far as changing yourself for him, that's on you. I'm sure at the end of the day, you want to lose weight and be healthy because you would feel better. So do it for you. Change for you.

I might agree with some of this if she'd weighed 50-100 pounds less when they started dating. From the OP, it seems like she's been overweigth from date 1, and that hasn't changed much. So, if he didn't find her "hot" or 'attractive" or is embarrassed to hold her hand at the mall, he should've known that the first time they met. So, this argument doesn't have merit, for me, in this situation. And, if he liked her but wasn't physically attracted to her from day 1, why wait 2.5 years? That's what troubles me. If he liked everything else, why not start talking about a healthy lifestyle and do fun, active things together from the beginning, and then if nothing changed, break it off before they'd spent so much time and emotion on each other? And, the fact of the way he said it sucks *kitten*.

DUMP HIM QUICKLY !!!!!

I say dump him... and then get super hot and rub it in his face.

Or at least, thats what I would do

this.

Was there any indication during the 2+ years that he had a problem with your weight or did it all just surface after his family met you? When I was at my heaviest I went through that with an ex and his family meeting me and trying to tell him to leave me over my weight. It certainly can be the direct opposite of motivating.

It's good that he was honest (if that is actually *his* opinion and not what he's been told to think) but I, personally, would be really turned off by a person who was that mentally weak. If he is going to let everyone else's opinions and what they think effect him that much I don't know that I could even tolerate being with HIM. I'd turn the tables and let him know just that. Not that lashing out will help but it might let him know how it feels to be judged.

Get healthy for you. You will feel better.

If he is saying he won't marry you or move forward in the relationship until you lose weight, run (don't walk) away. I think you are very pretty. My fiance and I jokingly said that we would get married after we both lose 30 lbs. However, the wedding date is set and I guarantee that we will go through with it regardless of whether or not we lose anything. I know plenty of husbands that will tell their wives that they have put on weight but it shouldn't be done in a negative way. It's one thing to be open and honest with each other because you care and want the other person to be healthier. It's another to put you down because of anything superficial. Weight should never be a dealbreaker. We will all get older and might even get less attractive. It happens. What will he ask for after you lose the weight. Plastic surgery to help with wrinkles?

If he loves you for "you" then his family's opinion should not have changed his feelings for you. It's one thing if he gave his opinion about your weight before his family met you but since this was made after their influence then you have to ask yourself, "If I stay with him then what other things will his family want me to change?"

Make the change because you feel it is what you need/want to do and find a guy who can think for himself.

He is a perfect example of a shallow guy who gets into a relationship that isn't for him. You seem to have confidence so you will be able to find someone who likes you for who you are.

I didn't read the other replies, but as per usual, I'm going to go against the grain, the majority and the crowd that is perhaps egging you on to call him all kinds of jerks, monsters, devils vilifying him as evil and more because he finally shared his heart with you and told you his truth of how he thinks and feels...Nope--I say this is opportunity for you disguised as trouble, heartache and woe!

Count it ALL Joy, because even though it surely doesn't look, feel or seem like it--honey you are BLESSED...embrace the pain and accept it. You former boyfriend is entitled to his thoughts and feelings, don't discount the pain or reject the pain of what he said or even how he said it--believe him, accept what he has said...don't make-up excuses for him (his family and whatever). Listen to what he has told you, give him the right (without judgment of him) to be able to tell you how he feels and again, accept it. Don't allow his feelings, words or reasons to hurt you (you have the total power to get bitter or better in this situation--it's completely and totally up to YOU)--Thank God that you've discovered this now (before you guys got more involved/married--you are BLESSED, not cursed as you may seem to feel or think or believe because of this). Don't hold it against him...set him FREE (in your heart and mind) without being sad, mad or feeling bad. Forgive him totally--if you do, you'll be guarding your heart and mind and not giving him or anyone your POWER...again, it's up to YOU!

Once you give him the right to express himself, as he has--love him enough to let him go completely (from your heart, mind and soul) without ANY ill-will AT ALL, because the reality is he's done you a big favor as well as himself. We live in a society now where truth is denied and rejected, where people have to go along to get along. Thank him for showing you who he really is and how he really feels and MEAN it! He doesn't want you anymore and that's his right--it REALLY is!

As you embrace this pain, use it to fuel your energy to live, love and get to the place of eating and drinking and living the way you want to.

Here's some words of life and truth for you to "chew" on and hide in your beautiful and precious heart, soul and mind:

A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.
Bo Bennett

I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.
Sylvester Stallone

“Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet *kitten* I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.”
― Jennifer Salaiz

“I don't want anyone who doesn't want me.”
― Oprah Winfrey

Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm. - Norman Vincent Peale, Preacher and Author

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. - Jimmy Dean, Actor, Singer and Businessman

I think that you have to believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours - so enjoy the view. - Michael York, actor

Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothings others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. - Don Miguel Ruiz, New Age Author

Life is a succession of lessons, which must be lived to be understood. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Author, Poet and Philosopher

There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself. - James Lee Burke, American Author

Dear to us are those who love us... but dearer are those who reject us as unworthy, for they add another life; they build a heaven before us whereof we had not dreamed, and thereby supply to us new powers out of the recesses of the spirit, and urge us to new and unattempted performances. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Author, Poet and Philosopher

True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful. - Paul Sweeney, Author

In so far as one denies what is, one is possessed by what is not, the compulsions, the fantasies, the terrors that flock to fill the void. - Ursula K. Le Guin

Over emphatic negatives always suggest that what is being denied may be what is really being asserted. - Jonathan Raban

“You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” -- Walt Disney, Entrepreneur and Dreamer

“Always remember that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other thing.” -- Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the USA

“If you're going through hell, keep going.” -- Winston Churchill, British Politician and Leader

“Rejection is fun when you can learn from it and grow as a wiser person.” -- Augie from SelflessMinds.com

“Every rejection is incremental payment on your dues that in some way will be translated back into your work.” -- James Lee Burke

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” -- Helen Keller, Author


“It is not rejection itself that people fear, it is the possible consequences of rejection. Preparing to accept those consequences and viewing rejection as a learning experience that will bring you closer to success, will not only help you to conquer the fear of rejection, but help you to appreciate rejection itself.” -- Bo Bennett, Businessman and Author

“We keep going back, stronger, not weaker, because we will not allow REJECTION to beat us down. It will only strengthen our resolve. To be successful there is no other way.” -- Earl G. Graves, Author and Publisher

“I would never have amounted to anything were it not for adversity. I was forced to come up the hard way.” -- J. C. Penney, Department Store Founder

“If there were no problems, most of us would be unemployed.” -- Zig Ziglar, Author and Motivational Speaker


“I think all great innovations are built on rejections.” -- Louis Ferdinand Celine, French Writer and Doctor

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” -- Martin Luther King, Jr., Preacher, Activist, and Civil Rights Leader

Lose your weight for yourself. Kick his weight out the door and find someone else.

MOVE ON! If he really loved you for you he would have never said that. It's an easy out for him so let him have it.