Need advice about having a baby.

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Replies

  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Not sure how you can resent him (like others have said) if you knew his desire.

    One never needs a good reason to feel however they do.

    This is true. I'm titillated for absolutely no feasible reason.
  • bannedword
    bannedword Posts: 299 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

    If this is true (that the clinic needs her permission) we live in a totally effed up world.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Independent of your desire to have another baby, your daughter is nine. She has already been an only child her whole life and having a sibling now will just be someone she will ignore or feel responsible for, not relate to as if they had grown up together, since she is already more than half grown.

    She, and most only children of the world, will learn to deal.

    DO NOT MAKE YOUR DESIRE ABOUT HER.

    Yeah, this was what I was trying to get at. I took care of my sister as a baby. I loved her through my teens, then I moved out, and she got to be the only child as a teen. We really didn't relate to each other until just a few years ago. She is 25 now and I am 34. Although, I will say that I think those years of caring for her laid a great foundation for our relationship as adults. It is true that they won't have much in common for a very long time.
  • BamaBreezeNSaltAire
    BamaBreezeNSaltAire Posts: 966 Member
    Independent of your desire to have another baby, your daughter is nine. She has already been an only child her whole life and having a sibling now will just be someone she will ignore or feel responsible for, not relate to as if they had grown up together, since she is already more than half grown.

    She, and most only children of the world, will learn to deal.

    DO NOT MAKE YOUR DESIRE ABOUT HER.

    I beg to differ here. My son is 8.5 years older than my daughter and he LOVES his sister! They relate very well and oftentimes curl up with one another. And NO he does not feel responsible for her, but he darn sure does protect her.
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
    Be honest but in the end respect his decision. Think of it the other way around. Also your daughter is 9, having a baby now they would not be close in age. No that does not mean they will not be close sibling it makes things a little more difficult. My Husband has said NO to a third child. Though I want one, I have to remember that I love him more than I want another child. We have two beautiful babies together. Plus he is getting the snip snip because mine are the only children he will ever have. Just in case anything happen. You cant predict the future.
  • kimberly728
    kimberly728 Posts: 124
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

    this is actually untrue- at least where i live. i work in an obgyn/urology office and the only person to consent to a sterlization procedure is the actual patient.
    my husband had a vasectomy in 2007, at the age of 25- we were married at the time and i did not sign any type of consent for him to have the procedure. of course, we have talked about it and both decided that biological children were not in our future before he had the procedure, but i did not have to sign a consent at the office for him to have the procedure.
  • wineplease
    wineplease Posts: 469 Member
    Not sure how you can resent him (like others have said) if you knew his desire.
    One never needs a good reason to feel however they do.

    Actually, what I meant was she shouldn't resent him if she already knew. She could only be upset with herself for secretly hoping he'd change his mind.
  • sunnyskyjb
    sunnyskyjb Posts: 258 Member
    All I can speak to is my own experience. My husband and I decided to adopt, and I'm so very, very glad we did.

    I could not imagine having a biological child now, because I could not imagine raising any other child other than this one! This child is our dream come true.

    As for the only child question, we will not be able to adopt again, so I have had to get used to the idea that our kid will be an only child. I wasn't thrilled with this at first, but now I actually love it. I love being able to focus on just this child and do plenty of activities together. It is a different family situation than one with lots of siblings, and there are good things about both. I love the closeness with our kid in our one child family.
  • Liatush
    Liatush Posts: 627 Member
    An alternative is to adopt, this way, they are both not biologically his, but yet still both would be his kids. Be honest with him about how you feel, but don't force him to have a baby if he does not want one. I sort of agree wtih your husband. A connection to your own biological child is much stronger to any other child, no matter how long they are in your life. I speak from experience - I see this from people across the board.

    I would postpone the vasectomy until you both are sure about your decision, either way.
  • HeidiMightyRawr
    HeidiMightyRawr Posts: 3,343 Member
    Talk to him and be honest and open about everything. The only way you can work something out is if you communicate properly.

    I completely understand your situation regarding having a sibling. I am an only child and so is my partner and while we are happy with this and not particularly close to extended family, I couldn't imagine having no family besides parents/grandparents. When we have children, they will already have no aunts, uncles or cousins, I will not be bringing them up without siblings too. Although that is a very personal choice, if your husband is sure he doesn't want any more, you will have to respect his decision.

    I'd also like to add that I don't think he should be getting a vasectomy until you've both sorted it. While it is reversable, it is not guaranteed and IMO an added time limit on deciding is only going to put pressure on one or both of you to agree to something you may later regret. Put that on hold, discuss everything and if you choose to not expand your family anymore THEN he can go ahead with it.
  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

    Actually, not every clinic/state requires a wife's "permission" before a vasectomy is performed (my husband and I just went through this in Washington state and my "permission" was not required).

    Whatever the case be for you OP, please ask your husband to not do anything permanent until you are both on the same page. If my husband and I aren't on the same page, we know that acting on it (in whichever direction) is not right. It is a marriage - you can't just "leave it alone" as one suggested. In the case of having a baby or not, one of you may have to "give up" the idea of having/not having another child because as you said, you can't half a child. It may take years before you're on the same page and there are other birth control options that are highly effective.

    Its also not a choice of husband or baby. I completely understand the fear your husband has however, I try my best not to let my fear run my life. Talk with your hubby and find out what the real issue is . . . there are fears and unknowns in all aspects of life but it shouldn't stop us from going forward. Maybe it is that he really just doesn't want his own kids and he feels he's already compromised having a step-daughter. I starting to ramble in my thoughts. Just please talk. Be honest.

    Oh, I forgot to add. . . The mental illness issue . . . totally depends on what the mental illness is and what the genetic factors of it being passed on are. My sister had two babies die - 1 at 3 months and 1 at 3 hours - each due to different problems. My husband and I were afraid of the same/similar thing happening to us but we did our research and the likeliness of the same/similar thing happening was practically non-existent (no doctor can give you 100% "no, this won't happen to you). Do your research, maybe even talk to doctors prior to attempting to conceive; find out what the chances are of mental illness being passed on.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

    My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

    Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

    Well you learn something new every day! I had to sign in front of witnesses saying I that I gave permission and understood what he was doing.

    This is complete BS.
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
    Talk with him or sleep with strangers. Your choice.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Not sure how you can resent him (like others have said) if you knew his desire.
    One never needs a good reason to feel however they do.

    Actually, what I meant was she shouldn't resent him if she already knew. She could only be upset with herself for secretly hoping he'd change his mind.

    I just suggested that they both should see a marriage counselor so that whatever decision they come to doesn't cause resentment in either party.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

    My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

    Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

    Well you learn something new every day! I had to sign in front of witnesses saying I that I gave permission and understood what he was doing.

    This is complete BS.

    It varies according to state laws. Also, it may just be a waiver saying that you understand that you can't sue if you change your mind.
  • MrsPong
    MrsPong Posts: 580 Member
    Tell him how you feel...straight out. Most men can't read into our "hints". My husband and I had a child young. I was 20. He was 22. Our daughter is now 4.5, people keep asking us if we r having more…and we both say no. Yet we both go back and forth on the issue. If he went to get it snipped I think I would really regret not having one. We are young and decisions can be made later…. But if you don’t tell him and you REALLY want another baby, you will resent him in ways you don’t really think you will.
    TELL.HIM. whats the worst that can happen?...he would go on to have the surgery that is already planned.
  • stunningalmond
    stunningalmond Posts: 275 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.

    No they don't. I didn't have to sign anything when my husband had his. It's his body. I don't own it.
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
    I wrote this post and I think it will really help you with this problem. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/952996-level-obstacles-lose-weight-target-fat-easy
    edited to add: We're all here for the same reason, at the end of the day! (which is convincing our husbands to inseminate us.)
  • jenniferwren
    jenniferwren Posts: 189
    It would seem his decision is made, you say he waivers over life decisions? His vasectomy has been booked! Your relationship sounds great, why not have time for you as a couple!! There's nothing wrong in being an only child, in many respects it's preferable! What if your daughter hates and is jealous of a new baby? What if, what if what if!!! what would you prefer, your husband or a baby, or find someone who wants to have children? I think you should definitely seek counselling asap so that you can at least make some headway!
  • girlfromOklahoma
    girlfromOklahoma Posts: 129 Member
    I think you two should go and speak to a counselor about this issue. Otherwise, you may be resentful to him for denying you the opportunity to be a mother again.

    As far as your daughter goes, I think she and the baby will be so far apart in age that they wouldn't be that close anyway.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    Very tough situation. You must talk to him about it.
  • Mia_RagazzaTosta
    Mia_RagazzaTosta Posts: 4,885 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it.

    My husband just had the procedure done this past Friday and I was not asked to sign anything in the form of "permission."

    Unfortunentally its the MARRIED WOMAN that has to have concent of her husband, not the other way around....At least in MO

    Well you learn something new every day! I had to sign in front of witnesses saying I that I gave permission and understood what he was doing.

    I had to sign a consent when my husband got fixed too, but it wasn't witnessed.
  • njmp
    njmp Posts: 277 Member
    The clinic needs your permission in order to proceed with his vasectomy, I wouldn't sign it until you have both talked about it. If he feels this strongly about it I wouldn't push him too much because he might resent you for it in the end. Good luck with whatever you two decide.
    WHAT???? This can't be true...A woman can already be pregnant and make the decision to terminate without her partner's consent but a man can't make the decision to never have said pregnany occur??? This is sooooo wrong.
  • Lupercalia
    Lupercalia Posts: 1,857 Member
    what if he feels as strongly as you do? The guy doesnt want to have a kid. Leave him alone.


    Um... i don't think he does, hence his trying to talk to me about it pretty much every day. Thanks for the thoughtful response, though. :/

    Why does he have the vasectomy scheduled so soon if he's still on the fence? By the time my husband made his vasectomy appointment, I knew he was serious about not wanting any more kids. And the way I figure it, even if I had wanted one more, the spouse who doesn't want another kid gets the deciding vote.

    THIS. Especially the part about the spouse NOT wanting another kid getting the deciding vote. It's really the worst thing on Earth to try to wrangle someone into having a kid who doesn't want to. So bad....please let this guy be!
  • LATeagno
    LATeagno Posts: 620 Member
    Damn. This seriously exploded.


    In re: talk before marriage. I've always been somewhat impartial about another child. I didn't think it bothered me. We never talked about it seriously-- it was always kind of a joking conversation. Part of that is on me. We joke a lot. We're goofy. It's just how we are. That said, this wasn't some burning desire of mine for years. I could have leaned either way. I didn't mislead him at all. This is a somewhat new (I say somewhat because I have always been 85/15 on the topic) thing over the past few months because I'm scared at the prospect of not ever being able to.

    You have to understand that we have a very unique relationship. This marriage is very open. We talk about this stuff all the time. It's more the "I'm definitely wanting this" that's been a problem. I'm scared to say definitely because I don't want to add strain. As I said before, it's not exactly something you can compromise on.

    My husband is the one who has initiated these "second thought" talks-- not me. I haven't been prodding him or nagging him about a baby. I never have. A lot of you are making this out like I'm a bad person for being "selfish." This isn't a selfish decision. My husband is the one who wants to hear my issues. I feel like in a way, he doesn't want to go through with the procedure. He's the one who keeps saying, "well are you having second thoughts?" It was these talks that he initiated months ago that have really gotten my second guessing to this stage. I feel like I'm being played with, kind of.

    In regards to adoption, I am 100% OPEN to adoption. I will bring this up with him. I'm definitely not opposed.

    Another thing I should say is that we have a very good relationship. I'm not all that worried about him becoming angry about this or anything. It's the conundrum that gets me. It's not "compromisable." If this were the other way around-- if he wanted a baby and I didn't-- I'd be in the same predicament. My issue with this is the fact that I'm all about compromise, but I'm not sure how to compromise on a black and white problem. I'm NOT worried about him leaving me. I'm just stressed that we're completely closing the door. It's scary.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Damn. This seriously exploded.


    In re: talk before marriage. I've always been somewhat impartial about another child. I didn't think it bothered me. We never talked about it seriously-- it was always kind of a joking conversation. Part of that is on me. We joke a lot. We're goofy. It's just how we are. That said, this wasn't some burning desire of mine for years. I could have leaned either way. I didn't mislead him at all. This is a somewhat new (I say somewhat because I have always been 85/15 on the topic) thing over the past few months because I'm scared at the prospect of not ever being able to.

    You have to understand that we have a very unique relationship. This marriage is very open. We talk about this stuff all the time. It's more the "I'm definitely wanting this" that's been a problem. I'm scared to say definitely because I don't want to add strain. As I said before, it's not exactly something you can compromise on.

    My husband is the one who has initiated these "second thought" talks-- not me. I haven't been prodding him or nagging him about a baby. I never have. A lot of you are making this out like I'm a bad person for being "selfish." This isn't a selfish decision. My husband is the one who wants to hear my issues. I feel like in a way, he doesn't want to go through with the procedure. He's the one who keeps saying, "well are you having second thoughts?" It was these talks that he initiated months ago that have really gotten my second guessing to this stage. I feel like I'm being played with, kind of.

    In regards to adoption, I am 100% OPEN to adoption. I will bring this up with him. I'm definitely not opposed.

    Another thing I should say is that we have a very good relationship. I'm not all that worried about him becoming angry about this or anything. It's the conundrum that gets me. It's not "compromisable." If this were the other way around-- if he wanted a baby and I didn't-- I'd be in the same predicament. My issue with this is the fact that I'm all about compromise, but I'm not sure how to compromise on a black and white problem. I'm NOT worried about him leaving me. I'm just stressed that we're completely closing the door. It's scary.

    Again, my advice is that you and him see a marriage counselor before he goes through with it. Maybe you are right, and he is reconsidering. You being afraid to tell him that you definitely want another baby is another indicator that you both need some kind of mediator to help with the communication. It's not a bad thing to talk to a marriage counselor once in awhile. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the relationship. But if you didn't need an outside party to help the two of you make a decision, then you wouldn't be afraid to tell him and he wouldn't vascillating on this decision.
  • LATeagno
    LATeagno Posts: 620 Member
    I should also add that for those of you who are saying I'll make a mess of him, he's NOT upset with me-- and he's VERY calm about this whole thing. We don't argue much. We speak our minds. Like I said, this IS something we talk to each other about. It's more about the "definitely want" thing that's scary for me. If if I tell him I "definitely want" another baby, I don't fear he'll be upset. I don't think it'll result in rage or stress really. He's not like that. I'm very mindful of his feelings. He's always asking me my feelings on it. It's not like I'm forcing the topic on him.

    I think a lot of you have gotten the impression that I'm baby crazy and want to ruin his life or something. That's simply not true at all. The whole reason I'm here is because i'm not sure how to approach this. Do I just bite my tongue for the rest of my life? Do I tell him I want a baby? Even if, it's not like this is a deal breaker. I love my husband. There isn't much in the way of marital stress here because he is so calm about everything.

    I'm just scared.
  • LATeagno
    LATeagno Posts: 620 Member

    Again, my advice is that you and him see a marriage counselor before he goes through with it. Maybe you are right, and he is reconsidering. You being afraid to tell him that you definitely want another baby is another indicator that you both need some kind of mediator to help with the communication. It's not a bad thing to talk to a marriage counselor once in awhile. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the relationship. But if you didn't need an outside party to help the two of you make a decision, then you wouldn't be afraid to tell him and he wouldn't vascillating on this decision.


    I think you're right. This isn't a life or death (of the relationship) thing for either of us, as far as I'm concerned. A professional might be a good option. I don't think either of us is right or wrong-- we just need to work together to solve this. :)
  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member
    How old are you? Your "definitely want" could just be a biological clock thing. I had it in my late twenties/ early thirties, ignored it and have no regrets :)
  • Mrswrp
    Mrswrp Posts: 23 Member
    OK, so I have very few close friends that I'm comfortable discussing this with, so I'm hoping some unbiased strangers can help.

    I got married in Sept. of 2011. My husband and I are very happy. I have a nine year old daughter whose father died when she was a baby, and my husband is the only father my daughter has ever known. He's been around since she can really remember-- since she was 4. He's a wonderful father to her.

    When we first met, he said he couldn't date a single mom. He liked me, though, and somehow we worked through this "rule breaker." He was scared of my daughter at first, but now they're inseparable. My husband has a very hard time making life decisions. He's always been that way.

    He told me a couple of years ago that he didn't want more children because he was "worried he'd love his own biological child more." I know this isn't true-- I mean my daughter's father, while he did end up passing away, wanted nothing to do with her. I don't think a biological link is what makes a father a true father. He's also said that he is worried about his genetics because his sister is mentally ill. I can't tell if he's genuinely afraid of this or if it's just an excuse.

    My husband has a vasectomy scheduled for the end of the month and I'm terrified. I really want another baby-- just one. But as the date draws closer, I'm finding myself to be very scared. He does not want a baby. He is unwavering about it.

    The main reason I want another baby is for my daughter. She is an only child and she will never even have any cousins. Both of our families are very small and I'm worried about her not having family when she gets older. She wants a sibling very much-- she often asks us if she can have a brother or sister. At her Girl Scout meeting last year (the first one), the troop leader made a reference to brothers and sisters and asked the girls to raise their hands if they had a brother or sister. She was the only one who didn't. She cried. My heart broke.

    We are very financially stable and could easily afford a baby, so that's not even an issue. I really think my husband would be fine with having his own child if he could just not be so scared of it. He's a wonderful man, but he has issues with "what if" situations. I even work from home as a writer. We are insured and have great maternity coverage. I wouldn't even need maternity leave because I work from a laptop right in my own house.

    My husband keeps asking me to talk about my feelings on the issue. He keeps saying "if you're having second thoughts, we need to talk about it now." I keep saying I do have second thoughts. We keep bouncing back and forth about why I think a baby would complete our family, but I've done everything but say "I want to have a baby. Let's try to get pregnant." I really want to tell him I want a baby, but I don't want to back him into a corner. He does so much for us. I don't want it to seem like I don't appreciate what he does. I feel like every time he asks me, I just feel like he is just fishing for me to agree with him. He listens to what I say, and while he hears it, I don't think he understands it. I know he's scared of it, but I don't know how to show him how great of a dad he already is. He's done so much when he thought he couldn't.

    I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I want him to listen to me and to understand why it's important we complete our family. Has anyone ever been through a similar situation? It's not like we have a gaggle of kids. I just want a sibling for my daughter.

    I definitely think you need to tell him. He is asking you if you are sure, which in my mind could mean several things, all of them good. My husband never thought he could love our child as much as the child he already had. He found out as soon as our son was born that just isn't true. I think you and your husband would definitely come to regret this decision, as well as not being honest with him. The fact that he is scared doesn't mean he doesn't want another baby.

    Think of the worst and best scenerios and I believe you will know for sure. Our son was born 12 years after my last child. It was sad to see him alone when I remembered how my first three daughters, all about 2 years apart, loved being together. I would never choose an only child situation, after basically first hand seeing both.

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