BF Issues - HELP/ADVICE?

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  • iamspdd
    iamspdd Posts: 134 Member
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    This exact thing happened to me a few years ago. Except my boyfriend (at the time) stopped having sex with me and when I asked why he said, "You're too fat so I don't want to have sex with you." Yes, it was that blunt. I was crushed. It was 4 months after giving birth and I was working part time and going to school part time. I am a stress eater so I was eating a lot. Sure, I was overweight but I was also breastfeeding which was making me starving! And I was 5 pounds less than when we started dating when he told me this. So I hadn't gained any weight.
    Him telling me this destroyed our relationship. I would never feel sexy around him again. And I despised him. He loved me fat in the beginning and didn't love me after the initial "high of a new relationship" wore off. I finally ended the relationship, finished school, and now I have lost 16 of those pounds and not stopping until I am healthy. NOT for him. FOR me. In my opinion, he was a jerk. Plain in simple.
    You have to decide what that comment means to you. Are you ok with a man that claims he isn't attracted to you? OR Do you deserve better? I mean, if he says this to you now, what's going to stop him from saying worse things later? And do you really want a relationship with no sex? I can only tell you what I did in the situation. But, in my opinion, you deserve better.
  • keem88
    keem88 Posts: 1,689 Member
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    first off, i think you look great in your photos!
    if you are the same size now as when you met, then i don't understand why your weight would be a problem all of a sudden.
    it sounds like there is another issue, and he is using that as an excuse. if he has a problem with "fat" chicks to begin with, why would he get together with you and be with you for that time, then it be an issue all of a sudden?
    i hope your talk with him goes well, and bring up that you are confused as to why he didn't have a problem being with you at first, and that you are the same size and now it's an issue all of a sudden?
    it could be something he is embarassed of. maybe he can't get it up in general and is using your weight as an excuse? since you were doing yoga maybe he is being threatened that you are going to be in better shape and worried other men will hit on you, and wants you to feel that you are useless so you won't get in better shape? or he could be depressed, stressed, lots of things.
    just talk about it, be honest and tell him what you told us. listen to what he has to say, and if he sticks with that it is because you are "fat" and thats the only reason, well then he's a jerk because that's just plain rude, and not even true.
    maybe go to some couples counseling to get to the bottom of the problem?
    i really hope there isn't another woman. or maybe he just worse himself out jacking off?
    something just doesnt seem right, and i dont think it's you...i hope you guys can fix it and give it a shot to make things better. if it doesn't get better after you try, then maybe rethink your relationship.
  • misspastry
    misspastry Posts: 109 Member
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    Girl, you're hot. I'm 5'3" and weigh 166. You are not overweight. He is nuts! Tell him to use his hand.
  • mattschwartz01
    mattschwartz01 Posts: 566 Member
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    I really don't know but he could be suffering from ED and that could be embarrassing. There is something he isn't telling you ....
  • His_Buttercup2015
    His_Buttercup2015 Posts: 114 Member
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    Communication is sooo important in a relationship. I used to have issues with this, to the point I moved out for two weeks. After actually TALKING with my boyfriend, we worked a lot of things I'd been holding in, now I'm more in love than ever. Ask questions but don't accuse, say I feel_____ not you never_______. But say how you feel! I hope he is as open with you and you can get to the root of the problem. My bf said if there's a problem we can fix it but not if you don't tell me there's a problem in the first place. Maybe he wants to call it quits, maybe he needs something else but communicate.

    I feel your pain hon. I really hope you can talk it out.
  • yankeedownsouth
    yankeedownsouth Posts: 717 Member
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    Is there any chance he might be gay? Something very similar happened to me after I married my first husband. After many years and much pain, he admitted to being gay.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
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    wow.. just no.

    Your weight scares him???? size 6 isn't fat.

    What size does he expect you to be?
    And what happens if you gain any real weight from having a kid or a dozen other life changes?

    I don't see this going in any good direction. The problem is his.
  • newdaydawning79
    newdaydawning79 Posts: 1,503 Member
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    Okay so I'm in a situation and I'm honestly not all that sure how to respond at this point. Let me make it clear that I really love my boyfriend and we have always gotten along really well. We love each other very much..but lately we've hit a..problem.

    The first 6 months we were together once our physical relationship began we had no issues. As a matter of fact I'd say it was amazing..best I ever experienced. However..after about 6 months it started tapering off and for the last 4 months = nothing. OBVIOUSLY as a woman this really bothers me. I love him and I want to be able to share that with him. Up until recently I thought well maybe something is going wrong physically or maybe there's something else and we can work through it once he gets the guts to say something.

    Last weekend we tried to discuss it and it came out that my weight scares him. I always knew he didn't like "fat" people in that way and that I obviously didn't want to become obese, but I didn't know he meant right now? I mean, I'm the exact same size as when he met me and he asked me out. I haven't lost a ton of weight but I also haven't gained an ounce. So basically..he's telling me his "mister" won't operate because he doesn't like my size. Basically he can't get it on because I'm fat. He said he was so sorry and how horrible he feels. And after he realized how devastated I was he's been super sweet and compliments me all the time. However..problem isn't fixed and now I'm more self-conscious then ever.

    Honestly I know I'm not ideal sized. I'm 5'3'' and about 145lbs. Obviously I'm overweight but I never thought I was HUGE. I mean I'm a large busted woman but my pants are AE size 4/6.

    I don't know what to do. I love him but at this point I feel disgusting. I can't imagine the next time we DO get together in that manner because I'm going to know I don't look the way he wants..talk about fear. I don't want to be THAT GIRL that cries..ya know?

    Anyway he said he wants to talk tonight. I really don't want to leave him over this, but I also don't want to feel like I do right now. I want to feel sexy..I want to feel beautiful..ESPECIALLY to my significant other. Even if nobody else thinks I'm hot..shouldn't my boyfriend? Shouldn't I, of all people, be that turn on? How can it change almost over night when I haven't changed at all?

    Any advice or help would be appreciated. Please don't tell me I'm just fat or nasty as that's not helpful. But anyone experienced anything like this?

    At 5'3" tall you are 5 pounds over what's considered "healthy". FIVE POUNDS. That is nothing. You are by no means large or anything else.

    There's something else going on. Good luck with the talk. I WILL suggest that if you want to look a little "leaner" (although at a 4/6 in some pants I don't think you'd need to), that you do some weight training. :) I hope you get to the bottom of things. Thinking about you!
  • shelly14006
    shelly14006 Posts: 1 Member
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    Please do YOURSELF a favor and lose this ZERO and find yourself a hero honey....seriously! I was 125 lbs when my guy and I met---thin as a rail----well in 10 years I packed on ALOT of weight.......not once did he ever make me feel like it was wrong or he didn't still want me!! Yes---there are REAL men out there who look at more then the outside package
    I am losing weight now for MYSELF---and the fact it will please him makes me feel good- but never once have I thought I had to lose weight to keep him
    screw that! I hope you take my advice and you find your hero out there----best of luck!
  • kgs0201
    kgs0201 Posts: 459 Member
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    Personally, I think it's time for you to end this relationship. Stop wasting your time. You deserve someone who is going to love you and be sexually attracted to you no matter what size you are. Don't force a relationship that clearly isn't meant to be. Move on. 50% of marriages end in divorce and honestly, I think you could pick at least half of them out before the people even walk down the aisle. Things like this scream "He's not the one!" Go find your one! You deserve it!
  • petstorekitty
    petstorekitty Posts: 592 Member
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    So... I'm 5'1" and about 130

    I've been as heavy as 180

    I've had lots of boyfriends.

    The only times they didn't want to do me is when they were done with me. Cheating, etc.

    If you really look the same as you did before then he's full of crap. Sorry.

    It's hard for both men and women to get out of relationships they don't want to be in.

    Check out the book "He's Just Not That Into You." It's funny and insightful and written by a guy.

    Seriously wish I had read that before I desperatelyclung on to a couple guys who didn't want me anymore but didn't have the balls to just dump me.
  • Brianna72994
    Brianna72994 Posts: 887
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    It's not you. It's him. Judging from your profile picture, you don't look "fat" at ALL. I'd either see if he's cheating, or if there's another issue.
  • rachel4304
    rachel4304 Posts: 115 Member
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    Oi, 4 months?!

    Are you trying to initiate and he is turning you down? Or are you not inspired to try either? Cause if that's the case, why are you still with him?

    Good luck with your talk. I hope he is honest about what is really bothering him.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    Men are visual creatures, they think with their penises regardless of what they say. Give a man a good piece of sex and you can get anything you want out of him, don't let anyone tell you that is not true.

    This is absolute ridiculousness lol.

    Seriously.

    I'm a man, I love sex at least as much...most likely MORE than most men. But I tell you this, to 'get anything you want out of me' is going to require a hell of a lot more than just 'a good piece of sex'.

    Lol...some of the posts on this forum amaze me...even after over two years.

    To the OP, I tend to lean towards the 'lose the guy' crowd, though I hate giving that advice in an online forum. Too many variables we don't know about. That being said though...if everything you've stated is accurate, it's how I feel. I'm a picky man in many ways, and there's nothing in my eyes wrong with your build (glancing at your pictures). If his 'mister' worked before, but doesn't now...and he says nothing else has changed...

    ...well, he's lying. Something has changed.

    I completely understand wanting to lose weight to please your partner. I don't recommend it, but I can understand it. But if he's putting this on you, saying it's your body that's causing the problem...I'd start looking deeper, or as I said, looking for another guy. First because he's lying (men don't just change tastes like that...SOMETHING has changed!), second because he obviously doesn't/didn't care enough to have brought this up with you...the person he loves...in a mature and considerate manner. Not to mention shouldering the blame himself...because the blame needs to be entirely on him.

    HE changed, YOU didn't. End of story.

    (Edit to add in the random words the squirrel powered MFP software deleted from my post)
  • jdevory
    jdevory Posts: 3
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    My advice? Wow, you have serious issues if you think you are fat at 145 pounds...and don't even get me started on him! Sounds to me like you both have issues and the fact that he blames his lack of attraction on your size is laughable. You are kidding right? My advice is fix your self esteem and be real about your weight and get rid of someone that has any issues with your size. Really, you sure you are not kidding here? I am really having a hard time with this post. I was 233 but got married at 140 10 years ago. My husband NEVER had an issue with my weight, he loved me for me! Now I am 155 and still losing but feel great and still he loves me for me...get it?
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
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    I'm sorry. I'd really be wondering if he's cheating. Even a man who likes to *kitten* will want the real thing once in a while. :(. I could be way off but it's better to find out now than down the road.
  • Mandykinz2008
    Mandykinz2008 Posts: 292 Member
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    A great relationship doesnt just happen, it takes generosity, love, patience and work. All you who are advising that she dump her guy should stop and take a deep breath and be quiet cuz you dont have anything invested in this.

    OP stick with it a little longer, take a deep breath, and chill.

    I cant imagine any man being able to go 4 months without. I think there is something broke with him, mental or physical. You can gain a lot if you stay calm and nonjudgmental - & dont get emotional. Be willing to hang in there and work through this..... this is not just his or her's problem, this is yall's.

    Be cool and play the cards the best way you know how. Maybe it's his job, maybe youve worn him out, maybe yall are in a rut, maybe, maybe, maybe....but in looking at you I can promise, there are many guys who would let you eat crackers in their bed!

    Thank you. Thank you everyone for opinions, encouragement, and advice. I'm not ready to cut my losses..but I do feel a little more confident should it come to that. We had a long talk this evening and he was extremely apologetic saying he should have never said the things he did..and that he's just stressed out and it was an easy excuse..and a wrong one. We are going to try and work through it but at least through it all..he knows it's important to me, to him, and that certain things should never be said. Whether I end up with him or not I do appreciate all the compliments and I know I'll be okay..no matter what. I'll continue watching what I eat and once my ankle is healed I'll be back to my yoga..but it's going to be for ME.

    Thanks again everyone. Only time will tell at this point.
  • SexyDexie
    SexyDexie Posts: 48 Member
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    I have been a man for a while now and here is my view.

    1. 20 something males can *kitten* and have sex everyday if they wanted too but no sexy time for 4 months?
    2. He liked your body before and now he doesn't, but you are the same size. Does not compute

    Basically he is either:

    1. Not into you anymore and wants to break up
    2. Has someone on the side
    3. Might be depressed/ other emotional problem that precludes him from wanting to roll in the hay

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