Thank goodness for fat shaming!

You cannot, I repeat, cannot - make someone lose weight from fat shaming or "helpful comments".

The first post suggests differently.

To my mind a lot of the problem with the 'shaming' thing is because people ARE ashamed.
If people were happy with what they are - then there shouldn't be so much issue.

When I got down to a low weight and people were calling me skinny, I was pleased (I still had a bit of tummy left unfortunately) as it showed the 'work' I had done losing weight was working.

If more people were honest and accepted honest opinions more of the time rather than being 'hurt' by them, perhaps there would be less issues in the first place?

I got annoyed when people would say to me "but you aren't fat" when I was - I have a large frame/chest so I do carry bulk quite well, but it gave me less incentive to lose.

Gee, once again the Internet teaches us that people are all different!

OP I'm glad it worked for you, obviously you had decent self esteem and the kind of relationship with your mother where this was ok. For many people that's not the case. I can't even imagine how hurt and angry I would be if my mother said that to me. But thankfully she never would.

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

I think it kind of depends who says it and how.

If it was my Mom saying it to me, I would know it was because she's worried about my health (she suffers from a lot of health problems due to being overweight herself and is worried my sisters and I will end up the same). But if anyone else told me I was fat, I would be greatly upset.

Every day I walk around and can't help but want to go up to people (lots of them) and grab them by the shoulders and shake them and say "Hey! Just what do you think you've been doing?!" I was once one of them and so that urge is strong. How to do that constructively is the question. And now I often pause to think about what other things I'm still delusional.

Ok, and what about their appearance suggests they're not already doing something about it?
The worst thing I ever felt was people coming up behind me on the way to pick up my son, and telling me I was fat and that I should lose weight.... and that really hurt because I had been exercising and losing weight for more than a year... yes I was still overweight but I was 30 lbs lighter than when I started...
So just because someone is overweight doesn't mean that A they're not aware of it, and B theyre not already doing something about it...

My grandfather was that person for me a couple of times, no name calling, but he'll point out if I've gained 15 lbs. For me it's always helped, although I've never been happy about hearing it. He is trying to be helpful, if you start with loose clothes and gain weight all over you don't necessarily notice that weight. Because of my build 120lbs and 140lbs are still a size six. Funny thing is, as far as I know, he only makes those comments to me, both my brother and my sister who are heavier never hear it.

I look back at old pictures of myself and I am disgusted by what I looked like. That's just the truth of it! I used to hate my mum saying to me that I needed to lose weight etc but she was 100% right. I did need to lose weight. Now I've lost it I am so much happier.

Its not about if someone is right, its the way they make you feel about being fat. You hated your mum telling you you needed to lose weight and I bet it made you feel like crap...

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

Because I do care. What's worrying about that? And it makes no difference if these people are friends, coworkers, relatives, or complete strangers. True, they may be fully aware of their situation and quite happy about it and that's fine. But very possibly they are like so many of us here who just need help in realizing what we've been doing to ourselves and how to resolve it. I would be a worthless flea if I didn't want to help people through that. I'm not suggesting that shaming people into awareness is the right thing to do. It's clear that I have no idea how to help others with it. But I would love to know how.

I think you'll find that many people would care very much that you were so interested in their appearance. You could be mother Theresa, but I can bet my last penny if you told me I needed to lose weight and I already knew how, I'd be pretty peed off...

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

Because I do care. What's worrying about that? And it makes no difference if these people are friends, coworkers, relatives, or complete strangers. True, they may be fully aware of their situation and quite happy about it and that's fine. But very possibly they are like so many of us here who just need help in realizing what we've been doing to ourselves and how to resolve it. I would be a worthless flea if I didn't want to help people through that. I'm not suggesting that shaming people into awareness is the right thing to do. It's clear that I have no idea how to help others with it. But I would love to know how.

I think you'll find that many people would care very much that you were so interested in their appearance. You could be mother Theresa, but I can bet my last penny if you told me I needed to lose weight and I already knew how, I'd be pretty peed off...

Yes, I get that. And I realize that's true with a lot of people. Which is why I do nothing at all. I just don't think that's the right answer either.

People on here fat shame me about my overeating and I'm glad for it - I think the kick in the bum will help!

I think its great that people can care about each other. Alot of people are full of good intentions. Delivery of those good intentions is sometimes without tact. Making cheap shots is not the way to do it. Instead of saying "you are a big fat pig", how about saying "I started working out, I feel great and would recommend it to anyone !!" An old saying "Don't judge lest you be judged" Cheap shots are non-constructive critisms and cheap judgements. Always be constructive and not hurtful. Thanks folks !!!

Calling your daughter a whale is pretty inappropriate. She'd better be a cream puff herself to judge like that.

If she's really concerned about your health then your appearance would be irrelevant. Calling you a whale is superficial and shows more concern about what complete strangers might think than about your health OR feelings.

It really depends where it comes from. If my mom said that I'd be upset but I'd get over it.

If my boyfriend said that to me, it'd instantly be over.

^^^^This. There is brutal honesty and then there is cruelty. Calling your daughter (or anyone else, but this is your child...)a "whale" is cruel, regardless of the circumstance. I'd liken it to calling her buck toothed and ugly. I don't believe in sugar coating things, but this is well beyond. OP, I'm glad you're getting healthy.

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

I love you so much

There is worrying about someone's health, someone you know, and there is "OMG FAT PEOPLE, HOW CAN THEY DO THIS TO THEMSELVES? DONT THEY KNOW HOW UNHEALTHY THEY ARE?! They should want to be fit and healthy, why don't they want to be fit and healthy?" Like its actually anyones business...
Then if you call them out on it, they say "Oh but I'm only saying it because I care about their health!" Like, I'm sorry but I know I don't care about what any one stranger does to their body, as long as it doesn't affect me or anyone I know, so why should you care?

The shaming comes from making people feel like everyone thinks they should be doing something, and they're not because they don't want to or don't feel like they should because other people are telling them to.

Then theres tactful... "Loved one, you don't seem happy about your body anymore, what can we do to make this right, and we can do it together?" or "I'm just being helpful comments" like "Loved one, you're getting a bit pudgy, perhaps it couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds, then you wouldn't be miserably anymore"

This is pretty much exactly it along with your later comment about people who don't know someone very well not knowing what the person already might be doing for their health. You don't know what else they might have going on in their life that might mean they are unable to do the work needed to lose weight at this time- because losing weight is a crapton of work, no matter what your priorities are on it, I think we can all agree on that. Someone suffering from extreme poverty, a depressive episode, or a child with a life threatening illness, for example, might not be able at this time to make that change, even though they know what they need to do, because they are already working hard at something else.

You might decide that you want to "help" people you barely know, but don't you dare delude yourself into thinking that repeatedly telling them they are fat and shouldn't do (x) or should do (y) is helpful to them as a human being if they don't ask for advice or comments. Most people making these comments do not "care" they either want to boost their own ego by helping the poor misguided fat person, or they confuse their own genetic instinct to surround themselves with attractive people with a desire to help because of popular culture.

Basically it comes down to etiquette and empathy- if someone didn't specifically ask for weight loss advice and you don't know them well enough to sit down and have a Serious Conversation About Their Health with them, keep your mouth shut, you will probably do more harm than good.

Generally, something that's a pet peeve of mine from suffering from a mental illness is "If you are not willing to help, shut up and get out of the way." If you are not willing or able to do something constructive to help that person, passively telling them they need to do (x) is probably not helping, but instead piling more work onto someone else. Many overweight people feel about the same way you would if people started giving you advice on how to quit smoking or have better sex unsolicited, at random, based on your appearance.

I love you so much

me too!! today's wisdom !!!:flowerforyou: