Not sure what to do or think.......

Part One: If she's been consistent about not changing her name, it's WAY too late for you to complain or expect her to do so. If your surname is so important to you, why can't you accept that hers is of equal importance? If it's about having the same name, why not change yours?

Part Two: Is she in a job where it creates a problem - like medicine or food prep, that both require more careful handwashing than the rest of us? Or something mechanical where it could catch on something (potentially costing her a finger) or become damaged? Has she always secretly hated it, or did she lose it, and doesn't want to tell you because you're such a pain about it? Did she gain weight or something that makes the ring too tight, and it needs to be re-sized?

Part Three: On this one, I'd say she's done with you. Counseling is your best route.

If it's so rocky and unstable, why are you married? Key question: Do you each make the other a better person?

And for background...DH and I are coming up on 17 years. I used both surnames (combined) until we had kids, and then I got tired of spelling it all of the time. But DH knows that if he had a more difficult surname than I started with, I wouldn't have changed it. We had a friend who was a mechanic, and never wore his wedding ring for fear of it catching on something and costing him the finger. When either of us are doing yard work or DIY projects, we don't wear our rings -- have known too many people who damaged the ring, lost a stone, or lost the ring.

1) It's her name dude. Her NAME. I kept mine too.

2) some people really don't like wearing jewelry. Shame you didn't know that before you spent the $$ on it

3) that's just behaving like a junior high student - talk with her about WHY she does it, as it makes you feel bad



1 & 2 are insignificant. #3 sounds like she's moody. Talk with her.

Is the name THAT big of a deal for you? SO big you would consider divorce. Maybe try taking a look at yourself and see why such an insignificant thing in comparison is the tipping point for you when the rest of the relationship (as you state it) is rocky. As a woman, I dont get the name thing or why its seems so important to some people. Almost as if you have to label her as yours. Shes a person, not a thing to be owned....

When I got married I took his last name, and that was not easy bc his (now ours) is 18 letters long!

I had everything changed over the days after our wedding. I mean EVERYTHING.
Also, let me note. My husband is military so everything had to match, if I took his name I needed it all to say his name.


Wedding ring- I wear mine EVERY day. I have 3 rings to make up my set and I wear them all day. My husband rarely wears his. He doesn't at work because of the type of things he does in the Marines (i understand.) But he will wear it when we go out and about.

My facebook states my first name, married name, and maiden name so other people can find me, like before I got married.

Every relationship has its ups/downs and signs that the other is unhappy. Yet if she has always done these things (no ring/no last name change) I'm not sure I would worry 100%. Now if she had your name and changed it to hers, or wore a ring and then stopped....then you might wanna worry.

Good Luck

One: she is actually not required to change her last name to yours. Have you considered changing yours to hers, if it is that important? Is she making excuses or simply explaining something you don't want to understand?

Two: Not sure what to say about that one. Unless she has a job that makes it hard to wear a ring, or if she has gained weight and the ring doesn't fit anymore, I don't know why she would suddenly find a wedding ring uncomfortable after 8 years of marriage, assuming she wore it before 2009.

Three: hard to take seriously anything involving Facebook or MySpace, but isn't this the same as One?

It's impossible to say from a post on a message board if you should get divorced. Are you both unhappy? Have you made an honest effort (both of you) to make things work and not just insist on your own way?

i think you should talk to her about it, ask her the reasons why she won't change her name, if she has lost someone in her family sometimes people like to keep the name as a heritage, also not everyone changes their name sometimes the man changes his instead. As for the ring if her fingers swell when she wears it then she might feel self conscieous, maybe shes worried that shes gained weight and that wearing the ring will signify this. talking is the best thing to do though.
Hope it all works out for you.

I'm assuming you're both American? I'm Finnish, so this needs to be taken with the understanding that there are cultural differences (=what I say is normal might not be normal for you, but sometimes learning about other cultures can help you put things in perspective)

My mother kept her maiden name when she married my dad in the 80s, and all their kids (=my sister and I) have my mother's last name. That means, my dad is the only one in the family with a different name than the rest of us, and he's perfectly fine with it. His brother's wife kept her last name as well. Even though it's still not as common as changing it, it's completely normal and there are even men who take their wife's name (my boyfriend once said he might consider in the future if we get married). I agree with Allons, it's her NAME. Your name is a big part of your identity, just please consider this in your head for a while: how would you feel if somebody you love/who loves you pressured you into changing your name? Have you considered the fact that she may simple not like your name? I know this might be hurtful, but think about someone trying to make you change your name into something that you thought was absolutely ridiculous-sounding? Liking a name is also a matter of opinion, and somebody's name is a very big part of expressing themselves. (On a more humorous note, have you ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe changes her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock?)

Does your wife do lots of housework? Getting water/dirt/whatever under a ring can cause a serious rash, especially for people with sensitive skin. Some people's fingers swell up easily, she might be allergic/sensitive to a metal in that ring, the ring might bother her in her job.

I don't think the third one sounds good from any perspective, especially if this removing your name -thing doesn't reflect ups and downs in your marriage. I have to agree with Allons again with this one - sounds like a teenage kid.

The first two are completely her own choices, but the third one does sound upsetting to me.

#1: Does she have some attachment to her name or some reason for not wanting to change it? Before I met my husband, my dad said something about how since he doesn't have any sons, that our family name will end with him. That made me think a little about taking my husband's name. I decided to take it since it's one of the things on which I have a fairly traditional view, but perhaps if your wife has some reason then she decided to keep hers.

#2: My mom never used to wear her ring because she was a cook at a restaurant, and then she'd come home and cook dinner. She didn't want it to get ruined, lost, or caught on something. Could it be that your wife doesn't like her ring and just doesn't want to tell you? It seems like that's something she could have addressed some time ago if that was the case, however. Have you tried asking if she'd want to "upgrade" since you've been married for so long?

#3: Social media is strange. People have all sorts of reasons for doing the weird things they do. Have you talked to her directly about it?

I agree with the others who have suggested looking into marital and/or individual counseling. None of us know the whole situation, so maybe it's something a therapist could help you with.

The refusal to change names and legally acknowledge your union sounds like a symptom of the underlying problems. Have you explained to her how this makes you feel?

why should we change our names? are we not allowed our own names once we belong to some dude? maybe her family name is something she likes. maybe you get used to your own name after a lifetime of it. changing umpteen accounts is a total pain in the *kitten*. lots of people just don't bother these days. have YOU ever offered to take HER name?

rings are a pain in the *kitten*. people have lost fingers due to rings getting caught. if you're prone to swelling or skin irritation they're a nightmare. i never wear them.

changing the name on facebook is likely a reaction to your oppressive sense of entitlement.