How do you explain death to a child?
Replies
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My mother is an atheist. I dont know what age i was when i started to worry alot about death, but i remember she told me that when we die its just like sleeping it was nothing bad. It was just calm and peacefull. This didnt help me at all. Neither growing without religion. I will tell my childreen that they will go to heaven. You dont have to give them the bible or go much into religious details, or spirituality or anything. When they are old enought to understand how life works , you can have a different aproach. Not now...0
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The Lion King.
No, I'm serious. My soon to be 4 year old started asking about death when he turned three. He was very distraught over it, like your son.
We sat down and watched the Lion King. When it was over, I asked him how Mufasa dying made him feel, and what he had learned from the movie. He told me that Mufasa dying made him sad, especially when Simba was sad, but that it was okay because Mufasa was feeding the "antropes" (antelopes) and he was a part of the circle of "wife" (life).
He asked me if that's really what happens when we die. I explained to him that many people believe many different things, but no one knows for sure. But I told him that death isn't something to be afraid of, and that he should be more concerned with what he was getting for his birthday. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't die for a very long time, because that might be a lie. I simply told him that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for him, even if it's in his heart. He gave me a big, huge hug, and went back to playing with legos. He never brought it up again.
For the record, I am religious, but I refrained from using religion to explain the concept of life and death. I was honest without being scary, and I didn't "dumb it down" to a child's level. And he understood and his fears were eased.0 -
I know you have said that you are an athiest, but I will just tell you how I handled this same situation. I am a christian so this is obviously not going to probably help you, but you may be able to tweak it a little bit and leave out the Heaven part. My son just turned 13 and my daughter just turned 7 so I have had to have this conversation twice. I gave this explanation to my son, I said that our aunt went to Heaven to live with Jesus and Papaw because she missed him so much. I gave the same explanation to my daughter when my grandfather died last year, except I said that he went to live with Great Grandma in Heaven.0
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I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.
A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.
First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.
I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.
I think that about sums it up.
Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe. And I told them it is a sensitive and personal topic and we should be kind and respectful of what other people believe (their friends believe their mom is an angel).0 -
Isn't that completely normal? I know I'm extremely young and have no experience as a mother but I went through this exact same thing as a child....nothing brings it on. I thought everyone goes through this? Isn't it a just a phase of understanding what death is? As a child you are innocent and completely ignorant to the bad things in the world. The only pain and sorrow you know is bedtime and you're hungry etc. but as you get older and start to realize that life is precious even at a young age with insects and animals....you just start to think. Mine didn't happen that early but as you say he is very bright and I'm assuming his brain just clicked early.
Hope this put your mind at ease a bit.0 -
I have recently had to have a death conversation with my 3 children(5, 10, 11) as their dad has been diagnosed with uncurable cancer. My answer to death questions is to tell them that everybody will die at sometime but we will never know when. even in daddy's case it is most likely that it will be the cancer but nobody can say when. we discussed that people can die because they are very sick or if they get very badly hurt in an accident etc. Sometimes people just die. It was a very hard conversation to have and am still not really sure of the depth of understanding of each child (one is autistic) but I tried to be as honest as possible without frightening them. Our conversation went quite well I think and I have told them they can talk to me about anything when ever they want to, however none of them has mentioned it since. As we do have belief in a religion we also talked about heaven a little.
In general I would say be honest and keep it simple and obviously age appropriate, you may find books at the library about talking to children about death. Before we spoke too our children we read a macmillian booklet on talking to children which was very helpful.
Hope this helps0 -
My son's teacher gave him a book about a leaf and how it was a blossom and then a leaf and then grew old and died. It didn't reference anything about 'after life', but it did help him understand the cycle of life and death a little better.
The way my father used to comfort me (admittedly, I was a little older than 3) was to tell me that whatever we want to happen to us after death was what would happen. I don't think anything will make the fear of death go away (hell, we should all be afraid of death) but it might help him to settle a little easier.0 -
The Lion King.
No, I'm serious. My soon to be 4 year old started asking about death when he turned three. He was very distraught over it, like your son.
We sat down and watched the Lion King. When it was over, I asked him how Mufasa dying made him feel, and what he had learned from the movie. He told me that Mufasa dying made him sad, especially when Simba was sad, but that it was okay because Mufasa was feeding the "antropes" (antelopes) and he was a part of the circle of "wife" (life).
He asked me if that's really what happens when we die. I explained to him that many people believe many different things, but no one knows for sure. But I told him that death isn't something to be afraid of, and that he should be more concerned with what he was getting for his birthday. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't die for a very long time, because that might be a lie. I simply told him that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for him, even if it's in his heart. He gave me a big, huge hug, and went back to playing with legos. He never brought it up again.
For the record, I am religious, but I refrained from using religion to explain the concept of life and death. I was honest without being scary, and I didn't "dumb it down" to a child's level. And he understood and his fears were eased.
I hadn't thought about this... He has the movie and has watched it several times and never really questioned Mufasa's death. He just took it in as part of the movie and went on with it.
Like I said, I like to answer his questions honestly and had I had time to sit down and think about it before answering, I wouldn't have said that it won't happen for a very long time. That's why I want to be prepared for the next discussion so I don't come out thinking "I wish I wouldn't have said that..."0 -
On the idea of telling a child it's like sleep:
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was jumping down your throat or anything. And if it helped you, that's wonderful. I can see how it might be a good option for some kids at some developmental levels or in some specific situations.
I just mean that if it's used as a blanket solution, many kids will associate fear of death with fear of sleep if they're told the two are alike. Then it could compound the problem instead of offering clarity.0 -
My mum told me we go to heaven. My dad told me that we go to sleep.
And so came a troubled year of sleep
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My mother is an atheist. I dont know what age i was when i started to worry alot about death, but i remember she told me that when we die its just like sleeping it was nothing bad. It was just calm and peacefull. This didnt help me at all. Neither growing without religion. I will tell my childreen that they will go to heaven. You dont have to give them the bible or go much into religious details, or spirituality or anything. When they are old enought to understand how life works , you can have a different aproach. Not now...
I completely disagree with this one. If you don't believe in what religions have to say you don't want to borrow you answers from them.0 -
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was jumping down your throat or anything. And if it helped you, that's wonderful. I can see how it might be a good option for some kids at some developmental levels or in some specific situations.
I just mean that if it's used as a blanket solution, many kids will associate fear of death with fear of sleep if they're told the two are alike. Then it could compound the problem instead of offering clarity.
Im the prove of that
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I'm an atheist also, but I want my children to be able to learn and explore and decide for themselves what is right for them, so I do probably have an influence from my being an atheist, but I do not indoctrinate them to be atheists, just as I would not do if I was religious in some way. I came to my atheism on my own and they deserve the same.
A really excellent book is: "Raising Freethinkers" by Dale McGowan.
First off, I take my kids to Science World since the preschool years (it's an interactive science museum), so that brings up lots of opportunities and ways to talk about death (since there is a lot of stuff about the natural life cycles as well as info about dinosaurs and extinction.
I told my children that death is a natural part of life. Everyone is born and everyone eventually dies. Hopefully, in the best circumstances, people do not die until they are very old and have lived a long life. Because they are children, I told them that people can live to be around 100 years old (because that is such a big number for them). I talked about how long 100 years is and we talked about life and everything a person can do and experience in 100 years. I told them that when it is their time to die, they will have lived a long and happy life and will be at peace with saying good bye. I told them they would have children and grandchildren and maybe even great grandchildren and nieces and nephews that will continue on, after they are gone, and that they will always live on in people's memories, the impact they had on the world and in the stories that people tell about them. I talked about how they will go back into the earth and all the ways they will be part of the earth. This is when getting out some good, and amazing science info is very helpful and makes it an amazing, learning process. I told them that parents usually die before the children because they are older, but that I won't die until they are all grown up, and old themselves and are parents or grandparents even. But, I talked about how life is uncertain and sometimes there is tragedy and people die sooner than they should. They have friends that lost their mother already. I told them that it is sad when that happens, but the people we lose live on in our hearts and memories and become part of the earth again. That even though it is painful and sad and tragic, everyone can handle pain and suffering and will eventually heal and be able to continue on with their own lives, remembering the person, missing them, but not feeling the pain as deeply. But, |I explained it is better not to live in fear of things like that.
I think that about sums it up.
Oh, I also tell them that people have a lot of different beliefs about what happens after death. I tell them a little bit about that. And I say that I do not believe those things, but no one really knows, so they can take their time to learn and explore and decide for themselves what they believe.
Great response, thank you!0 -
Isn't that completely normal? I know I'm extremely young and have no experience as a mother but I went through this exact same thing as a child....nothing brings it on. I thought everyone goes through this? Isn't it a just a phase of understanding what death is? As a child you are innocent and completely ignorant to the bad things in the world. The only pain and sorrow you know is bedtime and you're hungry etc. but as you get older and start to realize that life is precious even at a young age with insects and animals....you just start to think. Mine didn't happen that early but as you say he is very bright and I'm assuming his brain just clicked early.
Hope this put your mind at ease a bit.
Yes, it's normal, but I still need to answer the questions that he has.0 -
My mother is an atheist. I dont know what age i was when i started to worry alot about death, but i remember she told me that when we die its just like sleeping it was nothing bad. It was just calm and peacefull. This didnt help me at all. Neither growing without religion. I will tell my childreen that they will go to heaven. You dont have to give them the bible or go much into religious details, or spirituality or anything. When they are old enought to understand how life works , you can have a different aproach. Not now...
I completely disagree with this one. If you don't believe in what religions have to say you don't want to borrow you answers from them.
Why not ? its a 2 year old man , are u gonna quote darwin to him ?0 -
Despite me being athiest, I think if a child asked me about death I would say a few different options and let the child choose which one they liked best.
I would say what I believe in, in a gentle way. I like the way quirkytizzy said it. But I would also say, "And some people believe in a place called Heaven." "Some people believe you have a soul that lives on." "Some people believe you start all over again as a new baby." Etc.
What a great answer. I think this would be a great way to explain it to him. Even though I'm an athiest, I would never hinder him from having his own beliefs. I want him to know that there are different options and opinions and he is able to decide for himself what he believes in.
I think this is the best answer so far also.
I am not an atheist, but I do believe people are entitled to live their lives making informed choices.
It is never too young for an inquiring mind to be given some choices in relation to life.
When children start school they are taught many different things from the teachers and their peers and as parents we have to guide them but allow them to understand all the choices.
A difficult subject but you sound like a very caring parent I am sure you will find a good way to tackle the subject in a constructive way x0 -
I have recently had to have a death conversation with my 3 children(5, 10, 11) as their dad has been diagnosed with uncurable cancer. My answer to death questions is to tell them that everybody will die at sometime but we will never know when. even in daddy's case it is most likely that it will be the cancer but nobody can say when. we discussed that people can die because they are very sick or if they get very badly hurt in an accident etc. Sometimes people just die. It was a very hard conversation to have and am still not really sure of the depth of understanding of each child (one is autistic) but I tried to be as honest as possible without frightening them. Our conversation went quite well I think and I have told them they can talk to me about anything when ever they want to, however none of them has mentioned it since. As we do have belief in a religion we also talked about heaven a little.
In general I would say be honest and keep it simple and obviously age appropriate, you may find books at the library about talking to children about death. Before we spoke too our children we read a macmillian booklet on talking to children which was very helpful.
Hope this helps
Wow, I am so sorry you have to go through that.0 -
I think the concept of pets is the best, though I take great comfort in the promise of eternal life. But that's just me.
My 8-year-old was curious but not overly so when my mom died. I was carrying him upstairs one night (he had fallen asleep on the couch watching Spongebob) and I was mock-chastising him for making his poor old broken-down dad carry him upsatirs. He said, a little too matter-of-factly, "Well, you are gonna die someday." I was a little stunned. Then he said, "But so will I." I guess as long as I go first, he won't worry about it.
As for being afraid of death, you can if you want to. I see no point in thinking about it at all, except when it's time to buy life insurance. Nothing's guaranteed, right? Except death and taxes. And not even in that order.0 -
Despite me being athiest, I think if a child asked me about death I would say a few different options and let the child choose which one they liked best.
I would say what I believe in, in a gentle way. I like the way quirkytizzy said it. But I would also say, "And some people believe in a place called Heaven." "Some people believe you have a soul that lives on." "Some people believe you start all over again as a new baby." Etc.
What a great answer. I think this would be a great way to explain it to him. Even though I'm an athiest, I would never hinder him from having his own beliefs. I want him to know that there are different options and opinions and he is able to decide for himself what he believes in.
I think this is the best answer so far also.
I am not an atheist, but I do believe people are entitled to live their lives making informed choices.
It is never too young for an inquiring mind to be given some choices in relation to life.
When children start school they are taught many different things from the teachers and their peers and as parents we have to guide them but allow them to understand all the choices.
A difficult subject but you sound like a very caring parent I am sure you will find a good way to tackle the subject in a constructive way x
Thank you :flowerforyou:0 -
get him a pet with the life span of a year or two. Hamsters would be good.0
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I also have a 3.5 year old and we had this nasty talk the other day. Like previous posters, it is a lot easier to explain if you are involved in the cycle of life, whether farming or ranching etc.
I straight up seriously told her that we are all made of energy, which cannot be destroyed, you don't die you just change form. Which seemed infinitely cooler to her than I could have imagined.
Sooooo.... good old physics saved the day here
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My mother is an atheist. I dont know what age i was when i started to worry alot about death, but i remember she told me that when we die its just like sleeping it was nothing bad. It was just calm and peacefull. This didnt help me at all. Neither growing without religion. I will tell my childreen that they will go to heaven. You dont have to give them the bible or go much into religious details, or spirituality or anything. When they are old enought to understand how life works , you can have a different aproach. Not now...
I completely disagree with this one. If you don't believe in what religions have to say you don't want to borrow you answers from them.
Why not ? its a 2 year old man , are u gonna quote darwin to him ?
Btw , i baptised myself at the age of 23 . But even if i didnt belive in God ( which i didnt for along time ) i would still think its a good aproach to death when the kids are so small.0 -
You can't explain something you don't know. No one knows. How can they?
You also don't have to pretend to know everything to children. Many adults are like that.
Just tell them honestly you don't know what happens after a person dies, it's a mystery everyone finds out for themselves when the time comes.0 -
My mother is an atheist. I dont know what age i was when i started to worry alot about death, but i remember she told me that when we die its just like sleeping it was nothing bad. It was just calm and peacefull. This didnt help me at all. Neither growing without religion. I will tell my childreen that they will go to heaven. You dont have to give them the bible or go much into religious details, or spirituality or anything. When they are old enought to understand how life works , you can have a different aproach. Not now...
I'd agree with this.
I'm Christian and so grateful for my faith since I had to tell my 3 year old that his daddy had died. I explained that he had gone to heaven. I don't believe it's wrong in any way to tell children they're going to heaven when they die.0 -
My parents bought me a goldfish and had me watch Old Yeller.
I'm still traumatized.0 -
Take advantage of this NOW! Tell him the next time he doesn't clean up......................:laugh:
I kid of course, but when my daughter asked the same question a few years back (we were at a relative's funeral), I was straight with her and told her that unless death is actually planned or risked, then there's no way of telling when someone will die. And that's why it's important that we don't sweat the small stuff and tell each other that we love and appreciate each other each day. She gave me a big hug after that. <sniff>.
And I stick with that mantra daily. Seems that since I've done it for so long now with my DW and DD, that I'm always pretty happy.
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This. Is how I handled the question when my is asked I said that we all hope to live to 100 ( a number they understand as a longtime ) but that there really is no way to know when. So it's our job to live each day to its fullest and to go to bed knowing that each day was great because we made it that way! It's why we tell each other we love you everyday many times over even when were mad. 0 -
As for being afraid of death, you can if you want to. I see no point in thinking about it at all, except when it's time to buy life insurance. Nothing's guaranteed, right? Except death and taxes. And not even in that order.
I don't want to. I'd love to go through life without thinking or worrying about death, but I do. It's just how I'm programmed I guess. I'm overly compassionate and I hurt for people that lose loved ones that I don't even know. I know it's inevitable, but it's still my biggest fear, especially now that I have a child of my own.0 -
The Lion King.
No, I'm serious. My soon to be 4 year old started asking about death when he turned three. He was very distraught over it, like your son.
We sat down and watched the Lion King. When it was over, I asked him how Mufasa dying made him feel, and what he had learned from the movie. He told me that Mufasa dying made him sad, especially when Simba was sad, but that it was okay because Mufasa was feeding the "antropes" (antelopes) and he was a part of the circle of "wife" (life).
He asked me if that's really what happens when we die. I explained to him that many people believe many different things, but no one knows for sure. But I told him that death isn't something to be afraid of, and that he should be more concerned with what he was getting for his birthday. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't die for a very long time, because that might be a lie. I simply told him that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for him, even if it's in his heart. He gave me a big, huge hug, and went back to playing with legos. He never brought it up again.
For the record, I am religious, but I refrained from using religion to explain the concept of life and death. I was honest without being scary, and I didn't "dumb it down" to a child's level. And he understood and his fears were eased.
I hadn't thought about this... He has the movie and has watched it several times and never really questioned Mufasa's death. He just took it in as part of the movie and went on with it.
Like I said, I like to answer his questions honestly and had I had time to sit down and think about it before answering, I wouldn't have said that it won't happen for a very long time. That's why I want to be prepared for the next discussion so I don't come out thinking "I wish I wouldn't have said that..."
Honestly, like I said, he isn't really going to understand it until he is older, so you will have this conversation with him probably several times and over the course of a few more years.0 -
My son was seven when my mother died. He asked about death, but at that age and certainly younger than seven, a child's main concern is, "Is my Mommy/Daddy going to die and leave me". My son asked several times when I was going to die. Eventually, I told him, "If I had to guess, I'd say when I'm about 80" which was 40 years in the future. End of questions.
Comfort your baby and reassure him you aren't going anywhere. Is it the truth? Who knows? He just needs to know, in the moment, that you will be there for him. There's no need to scare him with the truth that it could be much sooner than we'd like.0 -
Oh, I know. I wasn't faulting you for saying it won't happen for a very long time. That's probably everyone's "gut reaction" thing to say.I hadn't thought about this... He has the movie and has watched it several times and never really questioned Mufasa's death. He just took it in as part of the movie and went on with it.
Like I said, I like to answer his questions honestly and had I had time to sit down and think about it before answering, I wouldn't have said that it won't happen for a very long time. That's why I want to be prepared for the next discussion so I don't come out thinking "I wish I wouldn't have said that..."
My father died when I was still very young, so I was a bit more prepared than the average parent for this discussion. It still caught me off guard, but I luckily had previous experience to fall back on. I'm sure I still made a few mistakes when explaining it. It's definitely a tough topic to tackle.0
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