How do you explain death to a child?

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  • sheldonz42
    sheldonz42 Posts: 233 Member
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    Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
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    When they were very young I told them that the people we love go on living forever in our hearts and in our memories. That we are healthy and plan to be around with them as they grow up and for a very long time after that. I never went into a long story but added more and asked more about their feelings as they grew older. BTW my husband and I have 4 nearly grown up children. Death is one of the tougher parenting discussions and trust me most tough issues come up at the strangest times and usually unexpected. :flowerforyou:
  • raiderzara
    raiderzara Posts: 55 Member
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    I had a 2-year-old who passed away in 2000. His half brothers were quite young at the time (6 and 4). We found some books on the subject especially geared towards children. Do a search on Amazon and you can find some that are not religious. We have this one:

    http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021

    Also, find things your kid is interested in and try to relate it. For example, even if you aren't particularly religious, but still believe that your body is just a shell and doesn't make you YOU, you can relate it to a hermit crab if your kid is interested in animals (when the crab leaves the shell, the crab is still the crab and the shell is just an empty husk). This worked for my extremely bright nephew, who was almost 3 at the time of my son's passing.

    I don't believe that kids should be sheltered from death. It's a reality of life. And don't tell him, either, that you aren't going to die for a long, long time...because if, unfortunately, something unforeseen were to happen to a loved one, he would be very mad at you for lying. You can say that ideally, most people don't die until they are very old, but that sometimes people get really sick or hurt so bad that they cannot get better.

    This is tough to explain to anyone at any age. Good luck.
  • starryvagabond
    starryvagabond Posts: 60 Member
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    When I was young, the Lion King had just come out and I was very much in love with it. Around this time, my great grandmother died. She was the first person in my life that had died - my first personal experience of death. My mother told me that my great-grandmother was a star now - just like they had mentioned in the Lion King. I saw some people mentioned this already, but it worked for me at that age.

    At this age, children are not going to grasp the bigger meaning of death. So giving them a sort of security that those who are gone are still there in some way, it's almost sure to be a comfort.
  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
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    Well this happened to me..and I made a pact with my youngest son that we wouldn't die until we were both 100 years old. This has a ton of meaning to us, because of our history....

    but I have done dog rescue for the last 8 years and we've lost quite a number of dogs...so my boys both know the story of the rainbow bridge...and they take comfort in that...they also have rituals that they perform to remember a dog that passes. Shouting out into the air how much that dog will be missed and loved forever, pictures and talking about memories. They just recently had to attend their step-grandmother's funeral...they wanted to go, they understood it was to honor her and provide and get comfort to the and from the living. I knew they were well ready for the task.

    If you don't know the rainbow bridge store, pm me and I'll dig it out for you...it hold very special mean for me as a rescuer, and caregiver in general....and they are the same.
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    Babys dont need honesty , they need reassurement. Think this, if you die, how would u want your baby to deal with it the first years. Do you want him to think you are away and there is no way to reach you , or do you want him to be able to talk to you / (spirit ) when he needs , until he can make it on his own ? Last post , best of luck.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
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    You guys all have some great answers and I appreciate your responses. I feel a lot better about how I'm going to approach this the next time the topic comes up. Thank you all so much :flowerforyou:
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,713 Member
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    i told my kids that some people believe in heaven, some in ghosts, some in reincarnation and some in nothing. noboy knows for sure, so what do they like to think might happen?

    then i explained how magical science is. that their cells were born in the hearts of stars, billions of years ago, and when they die their cells will go back to the cycle, become a tree or an eagle... maybe one day part of them will be a diamond. nothing really ends.

    that we miss the people who are gone, but it all flows in a cycle. if nobody ever died there would be no room for new people to be born. if you want a long, healthy life you can help that to happen by eating well and crossing the road with care.

    the main thing is this:

    if you seem unafraid, if you talk of it calmly, if your child sees in your face that everything is ok then they will believe it.
  • twinketta
    twinketta Posts: 2,130 Member
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    Definitely be honest. And don't be afraid to say, "I don't know what happens to us after we die" if that is the way you feel.

    I do not agree with this answer, no offence to the poster.

    I think for a very small child they need to have some answers and reassurance from the parents/carers.

    The children will cope better in life if they get answers with choices/options to questions that you may not even know the answer to?

    Saying you `do not know` is not reassuring and could cause anxiety.
  • Morninglory81
    Morninglory81 Posts: 1,190 Member
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    I have not read all the posts and to be honest I find comfort in my religious beliefs but I feel it is my job as a parent to present my child with all the facts and ideas. It may help that there are many theory's as to what happens. I think it is also important to reassure them that it is natural and not a "bad" thing.
    Not sure if I was helpful?
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
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    Babys dont need honesty , they need reassurement. Think this, if you die, how would u want your baby to deal with it the first years. Do you want him to think you are away and there is no way to reach you , or do you want him to be able to talk to you / (spirit ) when he needs , until he can make it on his own ? Last post , best of luck.

    I agee, but my son is not a baby. He is a very bright pre-schooler that is very inquisitive.
  • sweetzoejane
    sweetzoejane Posts: 153 Member
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    Along with the "Raising Freethinkers" book suggestion, "Parenting Beyond Belief" is also very good.
  • allisonlane61
    allisonlane61 Posts: 187 Member
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    I remember the exact moment I found out that people die. My mom played it off like it was no big deal and made it seem like it was so far away for me that it wouldn't even happen. She told me by time I die, I will be good and ready to. This helped big time and I have done the same for my daughter when she came with questions. She seemed okay with that answer and gave me an "Oh, okay".

    ETA: I am not an atheist, so the heaven part helps.

    I have this exact same memory. My mother told me the same thing and it pacified and relieved me. Regardless of my current personal beliefs, I was not an atheist (nor am I now) when my daughter came to me, and the Heaven part really helped and she's fine even today about it, at 15.
  • suzieqsmart
    suzieqsmart Posts: 47
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    It's hard. No way around it. Harder still for us non-believers because we don't have the luxury of saying someone's gone to a better place.

    There one thing I'm thinking that you could try, depending on how you think your child would respond to it.

    You can say that death is a part of life. All things die and as tragic as it is life wouldn't be as beautiful without death. The fact that our lives are temporary makes them so very special. It means we have to really make the most of the time we have and appreciate the people in our lives while they're there. Give him an example of a toy he loves but rarely plays with, now tell him you're going to take the toy away forever. He really wants to play with that toy now, doesn't he? That is what makes the temporary nature of our lives so special. If we existed forever things wouldn't really matter so much now would they?

    Just a thought. Nothing makes it easy. But it's obvious you're doing the best you can. Good luck to you.

    I like this, combined with the whole "circle of life" part on how we come back to make more things in life beautiful. I think it's a good way to explain to a child in such a way that it isn't frightening. No matter what you say, I'm sure you'll work through it. You're clearly a good mom and your little guy trusts in you to be honest with him. Those are very important positives, regardless how negative the situation might appear.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    If I were religous, that would be the direction I'd go too.
    The thing is, if you were religious, your answer would have been exactly the same.
    I hope this thread doesn't get locked down for this and if it does, I do apoligise in advance.

    Ecc 9:5 _ For the living are conscious that they will die but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all....

    Gen 3:19 _ ....For dust you are and to dust you will return.

    Basically, it is likened to simply going to sleep and never waking up again.
  • HopefulLeigh
    HopefulLeigh Posts: 363 Member
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    Mufasa: Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.
    Young Simba: But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?
    Mufasa: Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
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    Lots of great advice here. My daughter is 3 and when she asks questions that have answers that might be too big for her, or tough for me to explain, I like to answer with a question. Sometimes she doesn't necessarily need to know the answer and figuring out why she's asking and addressing that is enough. If my daughter were asking me, I'd ask her what she thinks happens when we die, or when does she think we'll die, etc. Turning the question around on her would might result in her saying something like "Bambi's mama died in the forest and that scared me." Knowing why they're asking always helps me to answer. If they're asking b/c of something they saw on tv, your response might be completely different than if they're asking b/c the neighbor is MIA and they're frightened that the same thing will happen to you. I dunno, I try to be honest with my little and I don't think I shelter her, but I think I'd attempt to give her as little information as she requires if she asked about death. I'd definitely ask him questions in response and go from there so you don't give him more information than he's seeking.
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
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    english is my second language im portuguese, baby is what we call a kid until he is like 6
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    The only way I could respond would reference my religion heavily. I have no clue how I would handle it in your situation. Sorry, I know that doesn't really help any.

    Ditto.
  • coe28
    coe28 Posts: 715 Member
    Options
    I had a 2-year-old who passed away in 2000. His half brothers were quite young at the time (6 and 4). We found some books on the subject especially geared towards children. Do a search on Amazon and you can find some that are not religious. We have this one:

    http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Beautiful-Explain-Death-Children/dp/0553344021

    Also, find things your kid is interested in and try to relate it. For example, even if you aren't particularly religious, but still believe that your body is just a shell and doesn't make you YOU, you can relate it to a hermit crab if your kid is interested in animals (when the crab leaves the shell, the crab is still the crab and the shell is just an empty husk). This worked for my extremely bright nephew, who was almost 3 at the time of my son's passing.

    I don't believe that kids should be sheltered from death. It's a reality of life. And don't tell him, either, that you aren't going to die for a long, long time...because if, unfortunately, something unforeseen were to happen to a loved one, he would be very mad at you for lying. You can say that ideally, most people don't die until they are very old, but that sometimes people get really sick or hurt so bad that they cannot get better.

    This is tough to explain to anyone at any age. Good luck.

    I am so, so sorry :( I can't even imagine...
    I agree with you very much, thank you!

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