How do you explain death to a child?

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  • staceyk35
    staceyk35 Posts: 1 Member
    I have never talked about death in a negative way with my children if they raised the subject when too young to understand i always said it was sad because the people left behind would miss the person who had passed away. But the person who had died would have a big party waiting for them full of all the family/pets/friends they have known in their live who have gone before them. Both of my children were happy with this and my 11 year old still tells people this as a way of comfort
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    ^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.
    a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.
  • soldier4242
    soldier4242 Posts: 1,368 Member
    (...)"The Origin of Species" is not an atheist bible so no I would not quote Darwin. I realize you weren't being serious you were just mocking me because I disagreed with you and you don't think there is anything an atheist could say to a child in this situation. (:::)


    I wasnt mocking you and its not like i dont believe there is anything an atheist can say to a child in this situation. Being an atheist just indicates you dont belive in god, there is alot of people that believe in souls and dont belive and god , or belive in reincarnation . I just fail to see why would you not agree in saying to a child that is 3 yrs that heaven exists, or that souls exist, or that borrow an explanation from a religion is wrong . Information should be given acording to their hability to deal with it. If the kid crys for example that is an indication he is scared already, so despite being completly true it has to be something that calms him down and not bring more anxiety.

    I can also give you a ton of reasons of why an atheist shouldnt be completly honest with their kids about their concept of death if they belive its the end of life completly.
    But i can answer to your questions all together

    Mommy belives that heaven is next to the stars, and thats were angels are too. You cant see angels just like you cant see when you love someone , but you know its real because you feel it. Yes everyone goes to heaven and yes your dog is in heaven-

    I dont see why lying to a kid about this is bad . No to Lie is a hight moral value that has its bases in religion ( its one of the commandmentss ) but its sinked into human psyque as something very bad when it may not be when it serves the purpose of protection.
    The concept of hell is mediavel and its not share by all religions. Its very common in christianity and islam , but there is several christian denominations that doesnt claim it exists. In judaism doesnt exist either.

    Im sorry for my misspellings, i am not english

    The only times I ever take issue with spelling and grammar are when the person making the error is giving others a hard time about their spelling and grammar or the error actually changes the meaning that the of what the author is trying to say.

    For Example:

    "I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on." and "I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on." These two sentences are actually saying different things.

    I felt that what you wrote was perfectly fine and if English is your second language then its actually pretty impressive because I sure couldn't type something that would be that well understood in another language.

    I appreciate that you did not intend to mock me but I do hope you can understand why I took it that way. I am content to conclude that I took it wrong and move forward.

    I do not feel that a belief in souls is necessary to talk about death to a child. I have always felt that there is a natural poetry in the cycle of life and death that is universal. I can think of situations where lying to your child is actually the best course of action. I just don't think this is one of them. Especially since the lie in this case will eventually be figured out.

    I would say, "Nobody really knows what happens after we die. It is one of those questions that we have been trying to answer for as long as there have been people. I do know that you and I and everything you see around you are all made of stuff that is neither created or destroyed. This means that in some respect everything will never be destroyed including us. We will all simply change form. This is why it is important that we never take a single day for granted. Now lets enjoy this day together."

    I think children have far more ability to understand then most give them credit for.

    The concept of lying being wrong is found in the code of Hammurabi and that is older than the bible so unless you are advocating an older religion like Hindu or something like that then we can reasonably come to the conclusion that as least a portion of humanity had already figured out that lying is a social ill. We never needed any religion to tell us this.

    I happen to think that all of religion is archaic and antiquated and not just the concept of hell but to call it medieval does not account for the fact that the vast majority of theists do believe in hell as strongly as they do in heaven.

    I hope this has helped to explain my position more clearly.
  • sheldonz42
    sheldonz42 Posts: 233 Member
    ^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.
    a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

    Thanks!
  • soldier4242
    soldier4242 Posts: 1,368 Member
    ^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.
    a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

    Thanks!

    I am an atheist and I think you did a pretty good job of dealing with this one as well. It wasn't that long ago in our history that death was not looked at the way it is today. People did touch their fallen loved ones and it was part of the grieving process. It used to be customary that people would have a room in their house called the "dying room" and people would die in their houses and the family would take care of them every step of the way.

    Today there is this constant effort to distance ourselves from death. The "dying rooms" are now "living rooms" and our relatives die away from the house. Perhaps there is no perfect way to deal with it but I think that allowing ourselves and the our loved ones the chance to choose a direct approach is the best that we can do. I applaud your way of dealing with this situation as unpleasant as I am sure it was for you. You kept your head about you and made the right choice. That is not an easy thing to do.
  • nashai01
    nashai01 Posts: 536 Member
    bump
  • sheldonz42
    sheldonz42 Posts: 233 Member
    ^Thank you! And I am about as far from atheist as you can get. As for honesty, here is how it can't get much more honest - when our daughter died at 26 weeks' gestation, we let our son hold her and look at her and touch her so he would know she was real and that she had died. He was 18 months old, but it was CLEAR that he understood. He truly appreciates his younger siblings who were born later and says he has good dreams about his sister who died. I am convinced this was absolutely, 100%, the best way to handle the situation. Oh, and our bereavement nurse with YEARS of training thought it was the right thing to do as well.
    a brave, beautiful, perfect way of dealing with it.

    Thanks!

    I am an atheist and I think you did a pretty good job of dealing with this one as well. It wasn't that long ago in our history that death was not looked at the way it is today. People did touch their fallen loved ones and it was part of the grieving process. It used to be customary that people would have a room in their house called the "dying room" and people would die in their houses and the family would take care of them every step of the way.

    Today there is this constant effort to distance ourselves from death. The "dying rooms" are now "living rooms" and our relatives die away from the house. Perhaps there is no perfect way to deal with it but I think that allowing ourselves and the our loved ones the chance to choose a direct approach is the best that we can do. I applaud your way of dealing with this situation as unpleasant as I am sure it was for you. You kept your head about you and made the right choice. That is not an easy thing to do.

    Thank you, too! I think reality and truth really are almost always the best routes for our children. These things can be handled gently and with compassion without lying to our children.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    Thank you, too! I think reality and truth really are almost always the best routes for our children. These things can be handled gently and with compassion without lying to our children.
    so true. the aim shouldn't just be to shut them up or to stop them asking questions at the cost of more pain and confusion later.
  • BeinAwesome247
    BeinAwesome247 Posts: 257 Member
    The Lion King.


    No, I'm serious. My soon to be 4 year old started asking about death when he turned three. He was very distraught over it, like your son.

    We sat down and watched the Lion King. When it was over, I asked him how Mufasa dying made him feel, and what he had learned from the movie. He told me that Mufasa dying made him sad, especially when Simba was sad, but that it was okay because Mufasa was feeding the "antropes" (antelopes) and he was a part of the circle of "wife" (life).

    He asked me if that's really what happens when we die. I explained to him that many people believe many different things, but no one knows for sure. But I told him that death isn't something to be afraid of, and that he should be more concerned with what he was getting for his birthday. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't die for a very long time, because that might be a lie. I simply told him that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for him, even if it's in his heart. He gave me a big, huge hug, and went back to playing with legos. He never brought it up again.

    For the record, I am religious, but I refrained from using religion to explain the concept of life and death. I was honest without being scary, and I didn't "dumb it down" to a child's level. And he understood and his fears were eased.

    Another reason you are awesome!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin

    So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.

    It's a bit more complicated than "ceasing to exist". And if that was not such a difficult subject to deal with, then religion would not exist. People with religion have a story to tell. And atheists also have science to explain things in a compassionate and meaningful way. If we take the time to understand how to explain the science in an age appropriate way, we will have given our children coping skills and something meaningful. Plus, just because we are atheists, does not mean our children will feel the same way. They have their own path of learning, and exploring and deciding for themselves.

    Thanks for explaiing it to me, but please don't make inferences about me thinking atheists don't have have emotions. I'm trying to understand the approach an atheist would take because as you say they do not have a happy story to tell.

    I'm sorry. I should have explained that in a better way. I just mean that death is never an easy subject, that should be spoken to children in a careless and thoughtless way. Whether a person is an atheist or religious, the facts of death are an equally difficult aspect of the human experience. and being an atheist does not make that any more clear cut. Even if we identify as atheist at this time in our lives, does not mean we have all the answers to life's difficult questions.
  • Guisma
    Guisma Posts: 215
    pretty good sugestion soldier 4242
  • foxro
    foxro Posts: 793 Member
    Trying to understand here: If you are an atheist then why is hard for you to explain to your child that we cease to exist upon death ? If that is what you believe then shouldn't you be telling your child that ? just askin

    So, you think atheists have no emotions related to death and do not need to think about how to explain it in a sensitive, empathic. and age appropriate way to children? Because there is never any circumstances in which death could be traumatic? Atheists do not have a "nice, happy story" to tell. And we need to be empathic, compassionate, responsible and respectful of our children and of the people they will interact with that are not atheists and have lost loved ones. We can't send them out into the world without knowing how to interact kindly with others. Also, most of us were not raised as atheists, so we are learning how to approach this as parents in a responsible and kind way.

    It's a bit more complicated than "ceasing to exist". And if that was not such a difficult subject to deal with, then religion would not exist. People with religion have a story to tell. And atheists also have science to explain things in a compassionate and meaningful way. If we take the time to understand how to explain the science in an age appropriate way, we will have given our children coping skills and something meaningful. Plus, just because we are atheists, does not mean our children will feel the same way. They have their own path of learning, and exploring and deciding for themselves.

    Thanks for explaiing it to me, but please don't make inferences about me thinking atheists don't have have emotions. I'm trying to understand the approach an atheist would take because as you say they do not have a happy story to tell.

    I'm sorry. I should have explained that in a better way. I just mean that death is never an easy subject, that should be spoken to children in a careless and thoughtless way. Whether a person is an atheist or religious, the facts of death are an equally difficult aspect of the human experience. and being an atheist does not make that any more clear cut. Even if we identify as atheist at this time in our lives, does not mean we have all the answers to life's difficult questions.

    I need to say sorry too, my post is blunt and I should have been more tactful
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I need to say sorry too, my post is blunt and I should have been more tactful

    :flowerforyou:
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    It's hard. No way around it. Harder still for us non-believers because we don't have the luxury of saying someone's gone to a better place.

    There one thing I'm thinking that you could try, depending on how you think your child would respond to it.

    You can say that death is a part of life. All things die and as tragic as it is life wouldn't be as beautiful without death. The fact that our lives are temporary makes them so very special. It means we have to really make the most of the time we have and appreciate the people in our lives while they're there. Give him an example of a toy he loves but rarely plays with, now tell him you're going to take the toy away forever. He really wants to play with that toy now, doesn't he? That is what makes the temporary nature of our lives so special. If we existed forever things wouldn't really matter so much now would they?

    Just a thought. Nothing makes it easy. But it's obvious you're doing the best you can. Good luck to you.

    I am a born again Christian and this is one of the most beautiful explanations of death I've ever seen. He wants to know about death, not the afterlife (or lack thereof if you don't believe). These are simple terms that emphasize the importance of making life count for something and they are true regardless of your religious beliefs. Thank you.
  • MagicalLeopleurodon
    MagicalLeopleurodon Posts: 623 Member
    oh gosh :( i hate that. im agnostic-so i believe in an afterlife.

    that being said-i would explain that we die when we accomplish every single thing we wete meant to accomplish, and that nobody truly knows how much they are meant to do. tell him that death is not something scary-its something thay everybody experiences and it just means that they werent needed on earth anymore. they did everything they were supposed to do-their life was completely fulfuilled. for some people that happens in 100 years, but for others (dogs, cats-kid death is too scary for a 3 year old i think) it happens sooner because they accomplished more faster.
  • ScullyKel
    ScullyKel Posts: 69
    It's hard. No way around it. Harder still for us non-believers because we don't have the luxury of saying someone's gone to a better place.

    There one thing I'm thinking that you could try, depending on how you think your child would respond to it.

    You can say that death is a part of life. All things die and as tragic as it is life wouldn't be as beautiful without death. The fact that our lives are temporary makes them so very special. It means we have to really make the most of the time we have and appreciate the people in our lives while they're there. Give him an example of a toy he loves but rarely plays with, now tell him you're going to take the toy away forever. He really wants to play with that toy now, doesn't he? That is what makes the temporary nature of our lives so special. If we existed forever things wouldn't really matter so much now would they?

    Just a thought. Nothing makes it easy. But it's obvious you're doing the best you can. Good luck to you.

    Very Nicely said. This is a hard question I hope you find the guidance you are looking for. I've been wondering how I could answer that question for my three year old daughter also. After the bombings the other day she was very curious about what happened "when the little boy died". I've been brushing it off but I think I will go the above suggested route and hope it makes sense to her.
  • JanaCanada
    JanaCanada Posts: 917 Member
    I am a certified grief counsellor. Message me.
  • GinnyWhites
    GinnyWhites Posts: 3 Member
    At his age it is an abstract concept that he probly won't understand. 1st ask him what he thinks happens, so you know where he is coming from. Be honest; Nobody knows when they will die, honey. But it shouldn't be for a long time." Be prepared to answer this question over and over for the couple of weeks. Don't avoid it or he may come up with his own worse concepts. Good luck.
  • soldier4242
    soldier4242 Posts: 1,368 Member
    Has anyone else noticed how we have both atheists and theists in here and we are discussing a very heavy topic that pretty much makes discussing religion unavoidable and everyone has been really mature.

    The topic has remained interesting and it have no devolved in to a bunch of hostility and ad homonyms. This is really rare. Especially on the internet. We have basically done what most anyone you ask will say can't be done.

    I am glad that I was able to be a part of this.
  • sheldonz42
    sheldonz42 Posts: 233 Member
    Has anyone else noticed how we have both atheists and theists in here and we are discussing a very heavy topic that pretty much makes discussing religion unavoidable and everyone has been really mature.

    The topic has remained interesting and it have no devolved in to a bunch of hostility and ad homonyms. This is really rare. Especially on the internet. We have basically done what most anyone you ask will say can't be done.

    I am glad that I was able to be a part of this.

    Indeed!
  • _DaniD_
    _DaniD_ Posts: 2,186 Member
    tumblr_m8bo5rZv8x1rako0qo1_500.gif
  • soldier4242
    soldier4242 Posts: 1,368 Member
    tumblr_m8bo5rZv8x1rako0qo1_500.gif

    Is this from a movie?
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Has anyone else noticed how we have both atheists and theists in here and we are discussing a very heavy topic that pretty much makes discussing religion unavoidable and everyone has been really mature.

    The topic has remained interesting and it have no devolved in to a bunch of hostility and ad homonyms. This is really rare. Especially on the internet. We have basically done what most anyone you ask will say can't be done.

    I am glad that I was able to be a part of this.

    Yes, I agree!! I did notice that. And it's really wonderful! :drinker:

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