Family sabbotaging you?
Replies
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By the way, whats a good snack food?
I personally like whole raw almonds but those can get away from you quickly too. I try to stick with fruit, nuts, and seeds most of the time.Maybe a fear that somehow the new you will change too much and move away.
I really think you hit the nail on the head there. My Mom is very co-dependent... like crossing boundaries and unhealthily so. So, this is actually a pretty accurate point. It seems like no matter how I approach it or talk to her about it just doesn't seem to stick or she just doesn't seem to understand.
Jen0 -
I think you've received some pretty solid support here, but wanted to pipe up and say that I recognize your dilemma and there are a couple people in my family that it took a very long time for them to change their behavior. Looking back I did feel that the lack of support was sabotage at the time. Now I see that although I had finally made a lifelong commitment they had not reached that stage of MY journey with me yet. Eventually they began to demonstrate different food choices around me and I made sure to recognize that verbally and thank them to reinforce the decisions. So hang in there and hopefully your mom will join you on your path soon.0
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You know, it is possible to eat half of something and put the rest away for later.. nothing says you have to eat it all in one sitting.
Plus, if your being this restrictive early on, the diet is not going to work long term. This is a lifestyle change.. and most lifestyles include junk.0 -
I see a lot of people here saying it shouldn't be a problem and your mom isn't trying to sabotage you, yet in the same breath they are saying that maybe she doesn't know how to connect with your new healthy lifestyle, so she brings in food that may temp you. So first off, that does sound like sabotage to me. Maybe she like's her little fat girl, and that's fine for her. Parents are probably 90% the reason america is soooo FAT.
Plus, unless these people live with other people who do these kinds of things, I don't think they should really be talking. If someone was trying to quit cigarettes, but a family member always smoked around them, it would be a lot harder to quit.
I was a fatter kid, but I personally liked good foods like vegetables and I didn't like foods like cheese. But my parents and relatives always push foods on you. "Try this" "Just taste it, you will like it" or the "you better finish your plate" Would those not be considered sabotage... is it only sabotage if it's preplanned? Like, "I'm gonna make our kids so fat."
I remember when I dieted back in the day, I told my mother and father, who didn't drink a lot of soda, that if they bought it, I would throw it out. Now, that's not to say they can't have the foods they enjoy, we are going to all have to show some restraint and not eat something just because it's in the house. But I gave my sister crap for giving me Twizzlers and Reese Cups for Easter... I'm like WTF!
So I feel for your struggles... and you may just need to sit your mom down and say, "YOU ARE KILLING ME." Reference your doctor, say I'm unhealthy and I may not out live you. Say, "I'm not saying you can't have some comfort foods in the house that you enjoy, but "just think about me when you buy," so maybe you don't buy a dozen doughnuts, maybe you get a half dozen."
But there is going to be a will power component on your end. I ate 80% of that bag of Twizzlers when we got back from dinner... gave the rest of them away. I still have the Reese Cups in my frig, I haven't touched them. Actually, I kind of like having them in there, as it's almost like a test for me. I could break down and eat them one day... that would be a failure, but hey... maybe 3 months will go by before I do... so that's also kind of a win.
Stay strong... don't let the haters hate. Good luck.0 -
We are the only ones that can sabotage us. No matter what happens or who tries to get us to eat whatever, the bottom line is that what we eat is still our choice.
Love this !0 -
I see a lot of people here saying it shouldn't be a problem and your mom isn't trying to sabotage you, yet in the same breath they are saying that maybe she doesn't know how to connect with your new healthy lifestyle, so she brings in food that may temp you. So first off, that does sound like sabotage to me. Maybe she like's her little fat girl, and that's fine for her. Parents are probably 90% the reason america is soooo FAT.
Plus, unless these people live with other people who do these kinds of things, I don't think they should really be talking. If someone was trying to quit cigarettes, but a family member always smoked around them, it would be a lot harder to quit.
I was a fatter kid, but I personally liked good foods like vegetables and I didn't like foods like cheese. But my parents and relatives always push foods on you. "Try this" "Just taste it, you will like it" or the "you better finish your plate" Would those not be considered sabotage... is it only sabotage if it's preplanned? Like, "I'm gonna make our kids so fat."
I remember when I dieted back in the day, I told my mother and father, who didn't drink a lot of soda, that if they bought it, I would throw it out. Now, that's not to say they can't have the foods they enjoy, we are going to all have to show some restraint and not eat something just because it's in the house. But I gave my sister crap for giving me Twizzlers and Reese Cups for Easter... I'm like WTF!
So I feel for your struggles... and you may just need to sit your mom down and say, "YOU ARE KILLING ME." Reference your doctor, say I'm unhealthy and I may not out live you. Say, "I'm not saying you can't have some comfort foods in the house that you enjoy, but "just think about me when you buy," so maybe you don't buy a dozen doughnuts, maybe you get a half dozen."
But there is going to be a will power component on your end. I ate 80% of that bag of Twizzlers when we got back from dinner... gave the rest of them away. I still have the Reese Cups in my frig, I haven't touched them. Actually, I kind of like having them in there, as it's almost like a test for me. I could break down and eat them one day... that would be a failure, but hey... maybe 3 months will go by before I do... so that's also kind of a win.
Stay strong... don't let the haters hate. Good luck.
Wow, 777, you really just got it. Thank you so much. This was above and beyond helpful and made me feel a lot better. This thread was totally worth making just for this post. Thank you so so much. Also, I love the ending. I still do have the candy she has been bringing me sitting the in the fridge and I see every day and I just pass it up. You put a whole different positive twist on it. I seriously want to go on and on but just thank you. :flowerforyou:
Jen0 -
So many people are so much nicer than I am. I really do make an effort to communicate with people. But, I only have so much patience. I would explain things to my mother once or twice, three times if I am very patient. But, on about the fourth time she brought me something that wasn't in my food plan it would go in the garbage right in front of her.
I am not saying that is what a person should do. It's just what I would do and probably why I have a rep.0 -
My situation was a little different. When I was in college, I lived with my family for a bit to save money for an apartment. During that eight month period I lost about 40 pounds through strict dieting. I never felt like they were trying to sabotage me, though. It was more that they were living their lives without any changes and I had made a big change to mine. So my mom would still cook big, unhealthy meals, and my dad and brother would eat heaping platefuls. They didn't do it on purpose; they just weren't dieting and weren't thinking about the fact that I was. I never really brought it up to my mom. Instead I'd eat maybe half of a portion of her food and fill myself up with fruits or veggies instead.0
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The naysayers can deny it if they will, but it happens. I've seen it happen to friends of mine, one by her own husband.
You can try speaking to your mom, but she'll probably just act all hurt or defensive. I would just keep ignoring it as you have been. Every time you say "no" to temptation, you are merely strengthening your own resolve. Turn it into a personal challenge!
And whatever you do: try not to take it personally. Her actions say more about how she feels about herself than how she feels about you. Just keep doing your thing.0 -
There are a couple of things at play. First off, no one on this thread needs to invalidate your feelings. They're real and perfectly valid. We all have points of view. That's being human. You don't have to justify or rationalize. Basically it sounds like you felt betrayal or a lack of trust with whether your mom had the best intentions. It's probably a mix, if you will.
1. Habits and conditioning: As a society (from the 1950s), food has been paired with emotions or celebration...."comfort food." This has been done through advertising and not paradoxically, society has increased in size. Before, food was just food. So, unconsciously, we all attribute getting a treat as something nice (like a present) during times of stress. Also, sweet food increases serotonin levels in the brain (happy).
So, back to you: your mom knows your studying (possibly stressed) and wants to alleviate the stress because she loves you and your her little girl. So, she distorts comfort with giving you fattening and sweet food. Also, she hasn't had years of seeing you eat healthy food where she would know, "oh, yes, that's her favorite fruit, let me get some."
It's like having a friend who is suddenly gluten free or on a cave man diet and you're supposed to pick a restaurant. Most of us would have a question mark in our heads. And, if she is not following her diabetic diet and isn't educated with health knowledge, she probably just down shifts to what SHE would like as a treat/gift.
Basically, it's not personal but this gives you an opportunity to spell out how she can show her love and in what ways it will mean the most. Maybe scrap the food gifts altogether and ask for a beauty treat from now on, like a bottle of nail polish.0 -
Just my two cents.
In my life long struggle with my weight I have had family and friends unthinkingly offer me things that would sabotage my efforts but I do not believe that they were doing it in a mean or malicious way.
As for currently my family members are the reason I have found My Fitness Pal.
Also my wife and I being a team and doing everything together are the reason I have achieved a loss of 104 pounds.
I still do have people i know endlessly offer me stuff that I politely decline and others that congratulate me on my achievement but then say "don't lose any more".
I also do not believe that they are being malicious so I agree with them and just continue with my plans.
Congrats on your achievements and stay strong .0 -
As for currently my family members are the reason I have found My Fitness Pal.
Also my wife and I being a team and doing everything together are the reason I have achieved a loss of 104 pounds.
:happy:
Keep it up, baby!!0 -
I had this realisation this morning that my mother's constant jibes about my weight are actually the main reason I'm depressed about it and part of what has stopped me from finding the will to lose the weight I put on over the past few years.
Ironically, my mother has never dieted successfully, has very unhealthy eating habits and lets her weight yo-yo around by over 14lbs. Yet to hear her speak about my eating habits, you'd think she was the esteemed professor of dieting and an all-round ****ing oracle on the subject.0 -
Take your mom fresh fruits and veggies......tell her you returned her sweets for this..........maybe she will get the hint0
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She brings you treats during finals?
What an inconsiderate cow.
Seriously though OP I highly doubt her intentions are malicious. The truth is that people in your lives that aren't trying to lose weight aren't going to suddenly and dramatically change their behavior simply because you've made the choice to lose weight.
Talk to her. She may change and she may not.
Ultimately it's entirely up to your whether or not you choose to overeat and overindulge.0 -
I hate when people try to be nice and bring me treats to cheer me up! Inconsiderate, they are.0
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I have thought long and hard about this since my last post. Your only option is to move. It is the only legal way to make her stop sabotaging you. Dont send Christmas cards or she can track your address by the fibers inside!0
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Hmm... I'm a vegetarian. Does that mean that every time someone asks me to share a chicken sandwich or offers me some jello that they're really sabotaging me?! Good Lord, the world is out to get me, and I never even knew!!!
Sorry. *ahem*
I guess I don't understand having to have tactics or play games. You could do what I do, and just say no thanks. Usually, the people who do this to me remember in a second and say, oh gosh, what was I thinking? In some cases, it takes a bit of educating (in my case, explaining what gelatin is made from, or that vegetable soup swims in beef broth sometimes). Since I never actually considered going back to meat, it wasn't a choice, so I just said no thanks. Sure, there were times when I was annoyed, but I never actually accused anyone of trying to sabotage me. I understand your situation is a little different in that yours is probably not a moral decision, but still, either you want to do it, or you don't. Just make your choice and stand by it.
Maybe she doesn't get it, and maybe she never will. You have to remember that you're the only one thinking your thoughts and prioritizing what you do. Other people have their own stuff to deal with.0 -
I see a lot of people here saying it shouldn't be a problem and your mom isn't trying to sabotage you, yet in the same breath they are saying that maybe she doesn't know how to connect with your new healthy lifestyle, so she brings in food that may temp you. So first off, that does sound like sabotage to me. Maybe she like's her little fat girl, and that's fine for her. Parents are probably 90% the reason america is soooo FAT.
Plus, unless these people live with other people who do these kinds of things, I don't think they should really be talking. If someone was trying to quit cigarettes, but a family member always smoked around them, it would be a lot harder to quit.
I was a fatter kid, but I personally liked good foods like vegetables and I didn't like foods like cheese. But my parents and relatives always push foods on you. "Try this" "Just taste it, you will like it" or the "you better finish your plate" Would those not be considered sabotage... is it only sabotage if it's preplanned? Like, "I'm gonna make our kids so fat."
I remember when I dieted back in the day, I told my mother and father, who didn't drink a lot of soda, that if they bought it, I would throw it out. Now, that's not to say they can't have the foods they enjoy, we are going to all have to show some restraint and not eat something just because it's in the house. But I gave my sister crap for giving me Twizzlers and Reese Cups for Easter... I'm like WTF!
So I feel for your struggles... and you may just need to sit your mom down and say, "YOU ARE KILLING ME." Reference your doctor, say I'm unhealthy and I may not out live you. Say, "I'm not saying you can't have some comfort foods in the house that you enjoy, but "just think about me when you buy," so maybe you don't buy a dozen doughnuts, maybe you get a half dozen."
But there is going to be a will power component on your end. I ate 80% of that bag of Twizzlers when we got back from dinner... gave the rest of them away. I still have the Reese Cups in my frig, I haven't touched them. Actually, I kind of like having them in there, as it's almost like a test for me. I could break down and eat them one day... that would be a failure, but hey... maybe 3 months will go by before I do... so that's also kind of a win.
Stay strong... don't let the haters hate. Good luck.
Thank you.0 -
My main advice would to be fairly harsh, give her it back and tell her you feel like she is spoiling your weight loss efforts and that it's hard enough anyway. do it every time she brings you something. it wont take long to get through0
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my hubby always wants to eat out and i dont also he brings me treats all the time .. id rather have a hair product or a new top haha also members of my family say im a bore now because i turn down that glass of wine or dont want cheese on my meal =_=:yawn:0
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I disagree. I think family do sometimes try to "sabotage" you. They don't mean to, but it's about control and fear - they are subconsciously afraid that if you change your food habits you won't be "you" anymore.
My mother often does this too - for her, food means love, and it's her way of offering support. It's sometimes hard for me to explain to her that "supporting" me means accepting my eating habits, too. I've found that the best way to get past this is to encourage herto offer an alternative treat - like Diet Coke or green tea. Sometimes just the fact of giving is enough, and if you can persuade your family that a low-cal alternative is as much of a treat as a calorie-rich milkshake, then they'll get used to fetching you tea (or soda, or fruit) instead. It's just their way of showing love. Try not to be impatient with them...0 -
If a persons post is aggravating to you, you feel like you have seen that kind of post one too many times, then please just ignore. You don't need to share your wisdom with them. Just bypass it. You are not doing the poster any favors and your nasty attitude shows through. Just leave it alone. Sorry for all the mean posters.
It happens to most of us at one time or another. My mom used to buy me treats not to sabotage but because she thought I deserved a treat now and them.0 -
My mother is terrible with this. But my mom is a bit on the crazy side. In my mothers eyes, if she keeps me down (Its more than just food with her) than it keeps me closer to her, because I will go to her when I am failing. If I "fall of the wagon" because I go to her place and shes smoking like a chimney and I light up, she wins. If I go over to her house and she offers me pizza and wings (her boyfriend works at pizza hut) and I gain 5lbs, she wins. If I listen to her tell me how horrible life is, and I slip back into severe depression, she wins. I have tried a million times to talk to her, and she never listens, and sadly, never will. So I went the more extreme route and I do not see my mother anymore. Mind you, there are things I am leaving out of this post because this is not the place. Reasons I mentioned are not the ONLY reasons, but these merely were the "straw that broke the camels back". This might sound harsh for your mother, but have you considered throwing these "sabotage" items in the trash in front of her? No one likes to waste money. Maybe, just maybe, if she sees the money that she is spending on milkshakes and candy bars going directly into the trash, she might slow or stop. Just an idea.0
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Maybe that is all she knows, comforting with food. Maybe you can talk to her and have a true converstion on what your goals are. Ask her if she wants to bring you a treat maybe she can get you a fruit platter or a healthy smoothie. She obviously loves food and is struggling, if you help her help you she may start changing her ways for better. Not everyone can change so quickly.
My husband can eat anything and drink as many beers as he wants, I never tell him to not buy beer because I will be tempted. granted he does not buy me my weakness, chocolate, but if he wanted to I would not get mad at him, just ask that he buy me an apple with peanut butter next time. or a salad with grilled chicken0 -
I have a coworker that used to do stuff like putting donuts, cake, chocolates and other temptations on my desk. He wasn't trying to throw me off my weight loss, he thought he was being funny.
Finally after a donut was put at my desk I went to him and told him in a firm voice "Please remove the donut from my desk or it is going in the trash"
He responded with "But children are staving in Africa"
My response "And they will still be starving whether or not I eat a donut, I don't find this funny please stop doing it"
He did stop, thankfully.
Sadly I was much less afraid to hurt his feelings because he wasn't close to me, so I have no idea what I would do if it was family doing that.0 -
i know you said that you've tried to address the issue unsuccessfully with your mother...maybe try convincing her through example? like, if you make up a batch of smoothies to share together or find a how-to on fruit arrangements (edible arrangement bouquets are SO pricey!) then she might start to associate the healthier choices with a better connection with you.0
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That was not snark. I can be snarky if you want.
It is a thing, especially with women. The other day some woman posted that her husband was trying to sabotage her diet by bringing her brownies. Turns out he bought them for himself and just offered them to her because he was being nice like the well trained husband he was.
I would suggest actually talking to your mother about your issues with her as opposed to coming online and ranting to strangers, giving them the partial story and then being offended when they suggest you might be overreacting.
Unneccesary rudeness.0 -
I would suggest actually talking to your mother about your issues with her as opposed to coming online and ranting to strangers, giving them the partial story and then being offended when they suggest you might be overreacting.You are very assumptive. I have talked to her about it. I wasn't trying to go into the psychology of the relationship with my Mom. I was trying to see if others had to deal with the same thing.
No, I am very blunt and straightforward. I am also tired of rampant paranoia and people blaming others for their poor communication skills. All of us deal with this. One milkshake is not going to ruin your weight loss journey. It may well be your mother was falling back into that old habit. Instead of being paranoid and bitter, maybe take the gesture as it was intended?
You seem very defensive to me. Yes, I was very direct. But when you post something on a public forum, you cannot automatically expect everyone to agree with you or coddle you. Some of us will tell you when we feel you are being unreasonable.
Then learn a little self control on this forum and don't read the posts that annoy you.
As for OP. Good for you in handing that shake off to your brother in law. My husband used to buy a lot of junk and then wave it in the air asking would you like some? He's just trying to be nice. If he didn't offer and I did want some he knows I would have said gees don't think to ask if I would like some? So poor man..damned if he does damned if he doesn't lol. I have self control with food as you have shown you do as well. Just keep strong and say no thinks mom and if she insists then do as you did with the milk shake and hand it off to someone else. As my friend Bran has said.. maybe give her suggestions on healthier treats to offer you.
I'm studying for finals right now as well and its very easy to reach for the junk instead of making something healthy from fresh ingredients. I make sure I have plenty of apples, fresh veggies, bananas and blueberries in the house so I'm not tempted to reach for the salty fatty junk food. I pack a baggie full of grapes, blueberries and strawberries when I have to spend a lot of time on campus. Goodness knows that cafeteria food is nasty!!!! Just the smell makes me gag! Without my fresh fruit snacks I'm starving, get a migraine, miserable and can't concentrate.0 -
With my husband at first it felt like he was sabotaging me, but now as time has passed I don't think that was it. I think because I had decided to lose weight so many times in the past and given up he just didn't think I was serious this time. We actually fought over buying a treadmill to the point I was in tears. The next week he brought me home a used, but in very good condition treadmill. Then I found some of the things I'd been eating weren't really what I wanted in my diet anymore, but I was having a really hard time finding a replacement for them.....one example was bread, with one of the first ingredients being processed sugar. He went out and found a bread that is all natural and made with whole grains. Now when he's cooking I'm constantly in the kitchen asking him what he's putting in the food OR he's coming to me to have me add something to my food journal LOL. I think in my case he just didn't really think I was going to do this.
Oh, and it's not going to kill you to have a treat by the way. Just pay attention to how much you're having
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