Eloping, incredibly romantic or incredibly selfish?

atrebor18
atrebor18 Posts: 235 Member
in Chit-Chat
My boyfriend and I have wanted to get married for a while but because we are broke we have postponed an engagement and wedding until after we graduate and get real jobs. I woke up today thinking why don't we just take off for the upper peninsula this summer and elope? It's our favorite place on the planet and incredibly beautiful and I know we'd feel right about being married. He thinks its a great idea but has the same worries about the family as I do.
After experiencing weddings as a bridesmaid/maid of honor I have zero desire to shell out tons of money and deal with all the obnoxiousness that comes with decorating and planning a big wedding and reception. The idea of marrying the man of my dreams in the wilderness is so enticing but I just worry about offending our family and friends by not including them. We could invite them because having them there would be amazing and if we chose a tiny church it would be accessible. It would be very low key with a ceremony and just a dinner after but a hassle to most because of the distance. Is it acceptable to invite guests to a wedding roughly a 6/8 hour drive away and not pay for their lodging? Would it be better to not invite anyone at all and keep it a "traditional" elopement?
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Replies

  • daffodilsoup
    daffodilsoup Posts: 1,972 Member
    You're 22 - why rush to get married?
  • PaleoChocolateBear
    PaleoChocolateBear Posts: 2,844 Member
    You could still get eloped, then when you're ready to have the big ceremony have it when you want if you want to have a big ceremony
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    it's like you are going in between two different extremes. you don't have to have some extravagant bank breaking wedding, and you don't have to elope either.

    why not a simple wedding at a church and then a reception at a restaurant?
    You're 22 - why rush to get married?

    also this
  • MidwestAngel
    MidwestAngel Posts: 1,897 Member
    Do whatever makes you guys happy.
  • MidwestAngel
    MidwestAngel Posts: 1,897 Member
    You could still get eloped, then when you're ready to have the big ceremony have it when you want if you want to have a big ceremony
    Always a possibility.
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
    Only selfish if they planned on having an open bar. That offends me. Other than that... I don't care.
  • socomary
    socomary Posts: 52
    We eloped to avoid family politics and hassle. A year later, we had a "brunch reception" which worked out fine with the family and friends. The brunch was brunch - no big "party" hassle, and nice.
  • JennyLisT
    JennyLisT Posts: 402 Member
    I don't see the big rush to get married, but I also don't see how it's selfish to start your marriage however you want to start it. Your marriage is about you and your spouse.

    Edit: My brother was one of those to elope and have a ceremony for family later. That worked for them.
  • wease1204
    wease1204 Posts: 31 Member
    if I were to ever be married, I would prefer to elope. I cant be bothered with the ceremony and all that crap. I've been with my partner since for 12 years, we have 2 kids, a dog and a couple of houses together. you cant get much more married than that. We just don't have that bit of paper that says so. I know my family would think it selfish to have a wedding and not be invited, but the marriage is all about you two, if you want to hold a party for everyone after, then that's great- do that. :-)
  • Lolanae
    Lolanae Posts: 1
    My husband and I eloped. I was 20 and he was 24. No one knew about it until after the fact. Some family was frustrated, but they understood our reasons. (Being military, our life was a LOT easier married + we'd lived together and been together for awhile at that point.) We had a get together next trip back to visit family. This September we'll be married 10 years. I say trust your gut.
  • ami5000psu
    ami5000psu Posts: 391 Member
    I don't think eloping is selfish. Having a ridiculously expensive, huge wedding you can't afford because it's your special day is selfish.
  • fluffhetty
    fluffhetty Posts: 19
    Eloping is just good business. Weddings are too expensive. It's better to save the cash and go on a trip.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    this is a personal choice. if you both want it this way, then that is what counts. it is not about pleasing everyone else. besides, you can still have a reception afterwards. my friends got married in Hawaii then came back and had a reception.
  • mrsbrightside4
    mrsbrightside4 Posts: 27
    It's your marriage. Do it how you want.

    We did the courthouse thing, very few people came. We were already living together and had our son, so we just did what we wanted. You can get married there and mention to people what you're doing and tell them if they want, they can come.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
    it's like you are going in between two different extremes. you don't have to have some extravagant bank breaking wedding, and you don't have to elope either.

    why not a simple wedding at a church and then a reception at a restaurant?

    A family friend of mine did this. She got a dress on discount, rented the church hall which was inexpensive, had no bridal party just her and the groom. Guests were invited, but no fancy invitations were needed.
    Her family was against the marriage so they almost didn't even show up... but they did and left in the middle of it.
    They got cold cut trays from the local grocery store, rolls, salad mix, chips, etc... and my brother had a large playlist on his laptop for the music.

    The only expense was the cake and even that was a regular cake from the grocery store that had some custom message on it.

    It was sweet and beautiful and inexpensive. Everyone was there, there were lots of pictures, but no bank accounts were broken.
  • shastacrystal
    shastacrystal Posts: 262
    I dont think it is selfish per say since getting married is about love and it is up to you and your boyfriend how you want to go about making it official. Although I do think that eloping may hurt your family and that you may regret it since you are already having reservations about doing it. I say if you dont have the budget and need it to be small do it but have your family there;) Atleast your immediate family and then you can celebrate with the rest later. You are young so you have time to. Just do what is right in your heart and most importantly pray about it before you make a decision:)
  • clarkeje1
    clarkeje1 Posts: 1,641 Member
    I think its your wedding, you should be able to do what you want.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    It's up to you. But at 22, I'd wait and see if you still feel the same in.......errr 8 years.
    Getting married young only to get divorced young is less fun than you think.
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
    Elope to your special place. I had the big wedding, it was fun looking like a princess for a day but I wouldn't bother again.
  • MandaJean83
    MandaJean83 Posts: 675 Member
    My fiance and I have both been married before, so it is a true second wedding for both of us. We are also footing the bill 100% ourselves, while paying our way through school AND saving for a house.

    We talked about eloping, but decided it was important to have our immediate family and some friends there to witness our special day. We decided to have a smaller wedding, with only about 50-60 people. We found a bed and breakfast that does the whole package for us, at a very reasonable price (ceremony, reception, food, cake, beer/wine). And we're making our own 1) centerpieces 2) invitations 3) place cards and 4) favors...and we're having the technical high school do our bouquet and boutonniere. It's going to be intimate for sure.

    We figure we can still do something economical and make it both beautiful and special! :) Before you elope, check into your options locally. Like others said, you don't have to elope to make it affordable. If it's important to have family there, there are definite ways to make it work!
  • AZKristi
    AZKristi Posts: 1,801 Member
    Your immediate families would probably want to share that day with you. That doesn't mean you are responsible for footing the bill. If you want an inexpensive ceremony in a Las Vegas Chapel or to get married at the local courthouse, do it. Just let your closest family know when and where so they can participate if they would like. You can have a picnic in a park afterwards or no party at all. If they don't like it, they don't have to come, but at least they have the chance to participate. If a church wedding is important, you can still have a ceremony in a church with your immediate family - no need to shell out money for all the *stuff* that other people insist on. If your families insist on a big fancy wedding, let them pay for it.
  • SocialSocks
    SocialSocks Posts: 9
    I kind of get how you are feeling. We went to three big weddings while we were planning our own and I finally realized it wasn't for me.

    We were going to elope because my older sibs had already done the big wedding thing, but my husband is an only child, so we ended up flying our parents down to California (where we were living at the time). We had a small ceremony in a chapel and dinner at a really nice restaurant. We invited a few of our local friends so were 15 people in all. It was pretty much perfect. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I would have regretted not including my parents, and I wish now that I'd brought my sibs down too.

    So like someone else said, there is a third option -- Maybe chose something in between? And I agree with taking your time. I met my husband at 23, married at 26, and still sometimes wonder if we rushed things / were too young.
  • etoiles_argentees
    etoiles_argentees Posts: 2,827 Member
    ooOo... i want to elope under a waterfall in Costa Rica.
  • rachel4304
    rachel4304 Posts: 115 Member
    We got hitched in Vegas.

    If family is a concern, invite them -- at their own expense. :) My family flew out for the occasion.
  • Barbellerella
    Barbellerella Posts: 1,838 Member
    Do what makes you happy. I was 18 when I got married, and while most people thought we were crazy, we're still married and happy 15 years later. If u want something small, go for it Just make sure any family who wants to be involved, has the opportunity =)
  • 1ConcreteGirl
    1ConcreteGirl Posts: 3,677 Member
    Incredibly practical.

    The idea of planning a wedding makes my head hurt.
  • tweety612013
    tweety612013 Posts: 24
    My husband and I eloped 43 years ago. It was a spur of the moment decision, and we drove to Reno, NV as you didn't have to have a license or all that back then and we only had been dating for 3 months but we knew it was the right thing to do. My Mom was a little upset that she didn't get to plan a wedding, but I never wanted a big wedding anyway. We planned on having a reception when we got back and my Mom and Dad had a wedding shower for us because we were broke and didn't really have anything. It all turned out and everyone was fine with it. If it is what you want to do, it is your wedding and I agree, why spend all that money when you could use it to put a down payment on a house or whatever. And yes I find it romantic not selfish.
  • FearAndTrembling
    FearAndTrembling Posts: 54
    What's selfish is requiring all these people to come to your wedding. Eloping is much less selfish. Thought wedding receptions are usually fun.
  • atrebor18
    atrebor18 Posts: 235 Member
    I love mfp, your advice is amazing! =) I want to marry because I know in my heart he is the one and considering our Christian beliefs we take it seriously. Once we finalize a plan I want to talk to my pastor about pre-marital counseling to confirm our belief/future together, I think having a small ceremony/dinner and inviting family sounds good. I'm sure our parents would do whatever they can to be there and everyone will understand the decision because of finances/time/etc. The idea of having a party/reception after is great, we could plan a small local gathering for friends near here to celebrate a few months after.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
    I am getting married on Friday. Its incredibly small. I actually invited people via text. hahaha Most of my family won't be there, and yes, I got the phone calls about it.
    But they understood my reasons and wished me well. :smile:

    There are about 10 of us at city hall for the short ceremony and then we are walking to a local spot for dinner. Maybe about 13 people at the dinner.

    I found a white summer dress at the mall and am pairing it with turquoise accessories. :smile:

    Small, intimate, and inexpensive.

    We might do something bigger at a later date. Regardless, its our decision. :flowerforyou:

    Do what is right for you. If you feel strongly that family should be there, then have family there. If you don't care, then elope.

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