Dealing with the anniversary of a death

_SusieQ_
_SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
in Chit-Chat
One of my dear friends lost her teenage daughter last year to a senseless act of violence. Kayla was shot and killed one day after her high school graduation.

The anniversary of her death is in 20 days. I want to do something for my friend, but am at a loss as to what. I suppose I'm posting this here to see if anyone has advice that has perhaps been through such a tragedy and can give me guidance.

A card, flowers?? Her work schedule makes it difficult to get together, and she seems to be pulling back into a shell this month when last month she seemed to be doing much better. As the anniversary approaches though, it gets...stifling to her.

I don't want to ignore the day, the worst day of her life so far. Yet I don't want to make anything worse.

**I put this in Chit Chat only because it isn't fitness related in any way. But I can't post on FB b/c she is there. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Replies

  • Crankstr
    Crankstr Posts: 3,958 Member
    I dont know what to say but I am here for you, I will think about it:flowerforyou:
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    I don't want to ignore the day, the worst day of her life so far. Yet I don't want to make anything worse.

    That is the key, right there. The best you can do is be there for her and plya it by ear. Flowers would be thoughtful and not overbearing though. Be ready to talk...maybe cry.

    All the best.
  • Jersey_Devil
    Jersey_Devil Posts: 4,142 Member
    no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    I don't have any advice to give but I just wanted to say something. I hope you find a way to be there for her. Such a terrible loss to have to live with. *hugs*
  • PomegranatePriestess
    PomegranatePriestess Posts: 2,455 Member
    First, I think it's wonderful that you want to do something for your friend.

    If there is a charity organization that would make sense, you could make a donation in Kayla's honor and have the notification sent to your friend.
  • yo_andi
    yo_andi Posts: 2,178 Member
    How awful. I echo "just being there". In lieu of getting together I would send a card.

    Much love to you for being a wonderful friend, and a prayer for peace for your friend.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    Just be there, and I mean seriously be there. Swing by her house when she gets home just to say hi. Bring a bottle of wine (or 3). Be prepared for her to say "no" but also be prepared to just sit, listen and be a shoulder.

    Don't send flowers or a card or any of the other stuff. Your friend got plenty of that last year. It doesn't help.
  • michellechawner
    michellechawner Posts: 892
    Making a donation would be nice. Getting her cards or flowers may just be a reminder of that day, and make her more upset.

    I agree with everyone who said just be there. There's nothing better than just having someone there when you need someone.
  • henn1230
    henn1230 Posts: 12 Member
    Pick up the phone and call her on the day. Tell her you are thinking about her and her daughter (one of the big things is worrying that no one will remember your loved one). Let her talk and cry. And cry with her.
  • melindasuefritz
    melindasuefritz Posts: 3,509 Member
    my son was still born
    we havee a family dinner
    then puit flowers or windmills or whatever on th e grave
  • nikkimarie330
    nikkimarie330 Posts: 98
    As someone who is just recently dealt with the 1 year anniversary of m god daughters death...don't be pushy. Make it known that you are there if she needs you. Don't ask "how are you?" Let her tell you if she is so inclined to do so, because chances are she isn't going to be that open with how she really is. Like someone said, don't send flowers, she got enough of those.

    Ask her if she has any plans for that day. She may want to be with her family, and remember her daughters life in private. She may want to be alone and just cry.

    If you want to give her something, a card with a handwritten message, not the typical "my sympathies are with you on this hard day" type of cards.
  • lilbearzmom
    lilbearzmom Posts: 600 Member
    no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.

    This! Today is my brother's birthday- he passed too young 2 years ago. I would value (and I think my parents would too) a call just to say you are there over anything that cost money. Honestly.
  • supermodelchic
    supermodelchic Posts: 550 Member
    My husband bought me some rose bushes to plant in honor of my mother, when she was killed. so when I looked at and cared for them I would think of her full of life, not death
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died.

    That is a really good point.
  • AmberleyAngel
    AmberleyAngel Posts: 160 Member
    I have experience with this as the one grieving. I can say that everyone is different so it is hard to know what the "right" thing would be.

    A bunch of flowers picked from your garden tied with ribbons and on each ribbon something written, like the girl's birthdate, the date of her graduation etc.

    Sharing your memories or observations of her daughter or the mother/daughter relationship, whether by verse, letter, card, or chat.

    Offering to go with her to the cemetary or wherever and do something special.

    A rose or other plant which bears a name that has relevance to the daughter or occasion. For example I was given a rose bush called Compassion.

    A treat pack for relaxing.

    Do you have any photos of the girl which the mother might not? Wrap them with a ribbon, insert with a card or make a little album. Make copies of the photos if you don't want to give the originals away.

    She might just want to get away from everything familiar. I did on the first anniversary of my husband's death, so I went on a 3 week overseas holiday. A fuel voucher or offering to babysit if she has other children so she can have some time for herself could be appropriate.

    I hope that helps inspire you in some way. Bless your heart for wanting to be so sensitive to your friend's situation.
  • thewickedlifter
    thewickedlifter Posts: 16
    The best thing you can do is be there and truly listen. Cards, flowers and the like are sweet gestures, but trust me they aren't necessary. I have 5 such anniversaries every year and my friends know to pick up the phone or show up at my door. It means more than you can possibly know to the person grieving. You are clearly a good friend, my deepest sympathies.
  • CarolinaGirlinVA
    CarolinaGirlinVA Posts: 1,508 Member
    I like the idea of making a donation in her daughter's name. A friend did that in my daughter's name and gave me a certificate. It touched me so much to know my daughter's death wasn't completely in vain and that maybe another child could hurt a little less.

    Thank you for being there for her, she will remember who was brave enough to mention her daughter.
  • Lift_This_
    Lift_This_ Posts: 2,756 Member
    no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.

    QFT

    its hard to "find the right thing to give or do," best thing would to be there for that friend. talk, console. every little bit helps.
  • kar328
    kar328 Posts: 4,159 Member
    Just be there, definitely. Knowing that people other than the family are remembering her child will mean a lot. Play it by ear in case that's not going to work. One thing I did - on the first wedding anniversary after my Dad died, I gave my Mom one of those "name a star" documents, had my Dad's name put on it. But that may not work for everyone.
  • hellraisedfire
    hellraisedfire Posts: 403 Member
    perhaps take flowers to kayla's grave. it'll mean a lot to her that you're mourning her death with her. my best friend died a couple years ago, and the only thing that really kept me going were his other friends.
  • drvvork
    drvvork Posts: 1,162
    no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.

    I agree with this. I lost my daughter to a disease last August and would feel as though someone was 'celebrating' her passing. A phone call, a posting on social network, a personal visit - letting your friend know you are their for support. :flowerforyou:
  • fuzzball01
    fuzzball01 Posts: 105 Member
    Just be there for her. I will be going thru my moms one yr anniversary of passing on July 15th. If it was me, I would want my friends to be just there and listen. she will want to talk and cry. Just being there will mean the world to her. Bless you for an awesome friend
  • wineplease
    wineplease Posts: 469 Member
    I think a card is fine. You can call, too. What I do for close friends or family is let them know in the card that I sent flowers to the cemetery (assuming she was buried). I call the cemetery and ask how to send flowers for the graves. But, I'm Catholic, so this may seem creepy to others!
  • vixtris
    vixtris Posts: 688 Member
    no flowers or card- thats for when the person just died. As a friend, I'd just pick up the phone and call...just talk to them, ask how they are doing. Just show that you care. Anything else is overdoing it.
    I agree with this guy.
  • AmyMgetsfit
    AmyMgetsfit Posts: 636 Member
    I lost my youngest daughter at 21 years old 10 years ago. Our local news paper kept a memorial page going for the first 5 years. Friends and family would leave messages on there on her birthday and the anniversary date she left us. The first year we received cards and flowers and a fruit bouquet and even a balloon release by her friends. Over the years things have ceased. My 2 older daughters do facebook and always receive messages from from friends and family on the special days. I don't do facebook, so I don't get the messages personally. I think anything you do to show her that you are thinking of her will be much appreciated.
  • Rocknut53
    Rocknut53 Posts: 1,794 Member
    I have experience with this as the one grieving. I can say that everyone is different so it is hard to know what the "right" thing would be.

    A bunch of flowers picked from your garden tied with ribbons and on each ribbon something written, like the girl's birthdate, the date of her graduation etc.

    Sharing your memories or observations of her daughter or the mother/daughter relationship, whether by verse, letter, card, or chat.

    Offering to go with her to the cemetary or wherever and do something special.

    A rose or other plant which bears a name that has relevance to the daughter or occasion. For example I was given a rose bush called Compassion.

    A treat pack for relaxing.

    Do you have any photos of the girl which the mother might not? Wrap them with a ribbon, insert with a card or make a little album. Make copies of the photos if you don't want to give the originals away.

    She might just want to get away from everything familiar. I did on the first anniversary of my husband's death, so I went on a 3 week overseas holiday. A fuel voucher or offering to babysit if she has other children so she can have some time for herself could be appropriate.

    I hope that helps inspire you in some way. Bless your heart for wanting to be so sensitive to your friend's situation.




    There is never a right answer for this, but this seems to be the best. My son's best friend was killed in a motor cycle accident 20 years ago in June and I still acknowledge him, not only on the day he died, but also on his birthday, with a phone call or a special posting to his mom on Facebook. I created a page dedicated to him on FB and it amazes me how many people have joined and post pictures and memories of this special young man that left us way too early.
  • M______
    M______ Posts: 288 Member
    I lost my sister 2 years ago on the 18th may. Every day and event was its own difficult challenge but the first anniversary especially brought a lot of memories flooding back. On that day in particular I couldn't help but continuously focus on what I was doing 1 year ago. Doing something for your friend would be a lovely gesture, flowers would be a nice idea. Lots of family and friends sent my family flowers and they really helped to brighten the house up which was nice.

    I would say flowers, even if other people send some flowers it doesn't matter. They will let your friend know that Kayla and the family are on your minds.
  • 123dmc
    123dmc Posts: 13
    Pick up the phone and call her on the day. Tell her you are thinking about her and her daughter (one of the big things is worrying that no one will remember your loved one). Let her talk and cry. And cry with her.

    Super advice. One of my dearest friends calls me every year on the anniversary of my brother's passing. It means so much to me. She doesn't get into a big conversation, just reminds me that she's thinking of me and my family on that day. I agree, one of the worst things is that "everyone else has moved on" yet here you are, your heart breaking all over again. And I do still get cards from a few friends -- eight years later.

    I agree with the no flowers policy. I personally dislike flowers in this instance immensely, as they remind me of death and grieving.

    You are a thoughtful friend!
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    Such a kind friend. I wish you and her the best. Just call and be there.
  • newlyf
    newlyf Posts: 20 Member
    When the one year anniversary of the death of my dear brother came ....my mother was grieving. What truly bothered her the most was people that knew her were carrying on with their lives and wouldn't even bring up my brother's name in front of her for fear that they would be bringing up bad memories and causing her more pain. When you lose someone precious to you to death...you need to be able to talk about that person freely with your friends and loved ones. You need to know that other people care and remember, too. On the anniversary of my brother's death...I sent my precious mother a dozen white roses in a beautiful vase with a card attached that read "I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about Chuck today just as I know that you are. He was such a beautiful man raised by an even more beautiful mother. I love you. If you need me...I'm only a phone call away." She called me just boo hooing...not because she was sad...but because someone else remembered, too. Then we spent a good hour on the phone talking about wonderful memories of my brother...her son. She seemed like the weight of the world had been lifted off of her shoulders. Priceless!!

    I hope this helps.....

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