Critical Spouse?!!!

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Replies

  • don666car
    don666car Posts: 167 Member
    HATE SAY IT BUT HE DONT LOVE"YOU" HE WANTS A WIFE LIKE A CAR OR A HOUSE OR SOMETHING TO OWN AND WANTS IT HOW HE SEES IT AS RIGHT I SAY MOVE ON THIS PROBLEM IS MUCH DEEPER THAN YOUR WEIGHT HE WILL NEVER SEE YOU AS A PARTNER FIND SOMEONE THAT WILL
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  • thecakelocker
    thecakelocker Posts: 407 Member
    He is supposed to be my best friend and my partner in this ... but he is so MEAN. Any time I tell him about any progress that I have made (as small as it may be), he'll tell me to get on the scale and "prove it".

    Wow, that's abusive.

    Wifey never lets me see her weight. NEVER EVER. I'm hoping my being in MFP and getting all this support will somehow motivate her to lose. When she sees me in my ultimate goal: wearing my High School Gym shirt or my Softball shirt from when I was in the Navy umpteen years ago, and umpteen pounds lighter, I'm hoping she'll get so turned on she'll join this site. The people on here have been very supportive to me (-11 of 35) --VERY! If you can't correct your problem with the Mister, stick with us. We'll help.

    My husband being on MFP and losing weight inspired me to join him! :smile: A positive example can be a great motivation.
  • luckyshilling
    luckyshilling Posts: 229
    My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:

    Real Men don't do this.

    This guy^^^^^ is a real man.:drinker: :flowerforyou:
  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
    So, why are you still with him?
  • hedgiie
    hedgiie Posts: 1,226 Member
    file a devorce
  • michellechawner
    michellechawner Posts: 892
    Sorry sweetheart, but it sounds like you married the wrong man. Even at my heaviest my boyfriend never said a word, but encouraged me to work out with him once in a while. Now I'm in better shape than him (school caught up with him and so did eating out a lot because of work and school).

    Sounds like emotional abuse. You don't deserve that. And abuse is abuse, whether emotional, physical, or psychological.
  • Lala_White
    Lala_White Posts: 52 Member
    Don't give up!! I know what our spouse/significant other and/or family members sometimes say can be the downfall to us and our emotional eating. I have lived with that almost my entire life. While growing up and while I was married I would hear "If you lost weight, you'd be pretty". I still have issues with that to this day and I'm divorced from him but I'm getting thinner and HEALTHIER now... I'm doing this for me. Lose the weight for YOU and you alone! You are not alone. Just reach out to us if you need us, in fact, if you would like to add me as a friend, feel free. :)

    The guy I'm with now is wonderful. I had someone (health professional) ask him to cover his ears when they asked me what my weight was (when I was at my heaviest) and I told them, he didn't have to. If he heard how much I weighed and he wanted to leave me because of it, then I was better off without him. Never scared him away..

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  • whitebalance
    whitebalance Posts: 1,654 Member
    @OP - Your husband sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine from college days. I starved myself down to a size TWO -- about 25 pounds underweight -- and he still called me "short and round" and criticized me every way he could, because he perceived that it kept me focused on my "flaws," not his (which included morning Jack Daniels breath), and kept me trying to please him.

    I was fortunate enough to escape that relationship. I wish you the best in your own situation. Be good to yourself. Because it's not about you, it's about him.
  • Viva81Diva
    Viva81Diva Posts: 148
    No one should have to deal with that. I've been in relationships where there was utter negativity from my SO, and I ended it. There was a time when I would have stuck through and tried to "convince" them to treat me better, but it doesn't change unless they are willing to stop and be kinder.

    You shouldn't have to be depressed about it. You shouldn't have to hide what you eat. You shouldn't have to be treated with disrespect because of your appearance.

    If I was in that situation, I would tell him what he could do with his comments and end that relationship.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
    not sure if he's like that in any other situation, but my husband used to actually think that was a form of motivation. Not sure where anyone would get that idea from but, to most people....that is not motivation, in fact it's extremely UNmotivating!!! Best not to tell him about your small victories...or any victories at all, for that matter. Sad but true, you're better off with him not knowing. Take the journey on your own, it will be difficult still, but you can do it if you stay focused!!!:flowerforyou:
  • FATJAKE5
    FATJAKE5 Posts: 162
    My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:

    Real Men don't do this.

    Roger That!
  • mattschwartz01
    mattschwartz01 Posts: 566 Member
    My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:

    Real men love and support their wives! Yes, I'm passing judgement but I truly feel this way.
  • dawn_eichert
    dawn_eichert Posts: 487 Member
    OP, it sounds like you know your spouse pretty well and what may be driving him but you really need to look at what is driving you. You need to do this for you and no one else. While it is great to rub it in someone's face when we succeed, you still need to do this for you. I am glad you are looking into getting counseling for yourself. It would be better if you both could but I know that you already know that.

    Celebrate your victories (and failures) here. Don't let someone else (anyone else) pull you down.
    Feel free to add me

    Good luck and best wishes
  • ShanR77
    ShanR77 Posts: 287 Member
    My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:

    Easy now... sometimes it can go the other way around :tongue:

    I'll agree there. I have seen wives belittle their husbands for their weight. NO ONE should ever be treated like this by ANYONE
  • waylandcool
    waylandcool Posts: 175 Member
    My husband tends to be the same way. No sure why men do this, but would like to know lol. :noway:

    Real Men don't do this.

    Roger That!

    Agreed. Sounds like a control freak to me. He doesn't like anything that builds you up because then you would see what a loser he is.

    Hit the eject button and find someone who works with you, not against you.
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    My husband is sometimes negative too. I tell him every time he gets to that point, and most of the time he does not even realize he is being that way. I have to remind him I am not one of the guys he works with. I am his wife, and he needs to support me and all my babble about my weight. Then other times he is super supportive. I think sometimes he is afraid I will leave him if I lose the weight. I tell him that is his self esteem issues not mine, and to stop dumping his baggage on me I have my own. I tell him I love him, and want to share with him b/c he is my rock. We do have the occasional slip back in to what I have lovingly coined, "caveman as$hole mode". That is one of the reason I joined MFP. I told him I get the support here he does not always provides, and while he gets pissed about it. I decided a year ago I come first for me, and if he wants to follow suit great, but I am not going to let him hold me back anymore.
  • papercanuck
    papercanuck Posts: 3
    Your husband is a jealous git! He figures that when you are slim and trim you will leave him high and dry. And that is why he is sabotaging you.
  • whitebalance
    whitebalance Posts: 1,654 Member
    In his defense, he DID have a pretty terrible upbringing.....which has def leaked over into our marriage. He was abandoned at an orphanage by his parents when he was a child. I think that he has taken on this "i'll hurt you before you have the chance to hurt me" attitude. We have been married almost 7 years, and it has taken me until now to figure this out.
    It's not your job to make excuses for his behavior. Your first responsibility is to yourself and any children you have.
    It is without a doubt a very emotionally abusive relationship. I am working on getting counseling for myself. He of course "does not need it". and those are not MY words ;) i agree with everybody that said it would almost be easier if he would just leave bruises on me. at least then i could SEE the abuse. somebody doesn't have to hit you for you to "feel" it :(
    Agree. This was my problem too -- toward the end, I was practically daring him to hit me, because I felt that would cross the line and give me the strength to leave him.
    We have our good days and our bad days.
    Of course you do. This is part of the abuse pattern. If you had no "good days," you would not be conflicted over his behavior and he would lose his control.

    Sorry to be a downer. I don't mean to imply that he's an evil guy in complete control of his abusive behavior. But whether he is or whether he "can't help himself" because he is "damaged goods," the effect on you is the same either way -- and it's wrong.
  • Bearbrat
    Bearbrat Posts: 230
    Relationship counseling. Immediately. That situation should not be acceptable to you, but if you don't do something about it, you are, in essence, consenting to it.
    This, your post made me both angry and sad. He's abusing you emotionally and that is something you should not EVER allow. I was in an abusive relationship for six years with a man I was going to marry. One day in the middle of work it finally clicked for me. I asked my boss if I could leave for the rest of the day and I called my dad to come help me pack my stuff and I walked out and never looked back. It's a miserable situation and you don't realize just how bad it is until you aren't putting up with it anymore. Best of luck to you, you are worth more than what he's doing :flowerforyou:
  • siqiniq
    siqiniq Posts: 237 Member
    Relationship counseling.

    Now.

    YESTERDAY.

    There is something going on that is much bigger than a diet issue.

    What she said.
  • Laura8603
    Laura8603 Posts: 590 Member
    I would NEVER be with someone so disrespectful to me. That is insane. I have known my boyfriend for over 20 years. During that time, I was thin, fat, thin with floppy skin, and now thin with plastic surgery scars. He has loved me every step of the way and has ALWAYS told me how beautiful I am. He would never speak to me the way your husband speaks to you.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    to make out like having a traumatic childhood is an excuse for abusing others as an adult is an insult to the vast majority of people who use it as a damn good reason not to.

    he's an adult making adult choices. he would rather force his pain onto you.

    is that love?
  • babylemonade
    babylemonade Posts: 250 Member
    Divorce.

    Agreed. I don't care what anyone says, that is ABUSE and you can't love someone you feel it's acceptable to abuse.
  • SteelySunshine
    SteelySunshine Posts: 1,092 Member
    This isn't going to end well for your husband, if he doesn't change. You could get a divorce which will be better for you. But, even if you stay with him you will eventually divorce him by becoming emotionally distant. It is inevitable as you start seeing how hollow a person he is and after a couple of years of abuse and becoming numb to it, he just won't matter to you at all. You will grow apart. You will find things to do without him things that make you feel good. Eventually it will be like you are strangers living in the same house.
  • QuinceyBethx3
    QuinceyBethx3 Posts: 47
    Men that are insecure do & say things like this. He has issues with himself whether it be his personality, ability to support you, his looks, his sexual performance etc. He is tearing you down so that you won't have the confidence to leave him, he doesn't want you to think you could ever find somebody else. By making fun of you and calling you "fat" he's trapping you, which is exactly what he wants. That is disgusting that he treats you like that. That is a personality trait and unfortunately he is never going to change.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
    Relationship counseling.

    Now.

    YESTERDAY.

    There is something going on that is much bigger than a diet issue.

    YES! This is not about your weight. It's about verbal abuse and belittling you. If it wasn't your weight, it would be something else.

    If he's not willing to go to counseling, get the *kitten* out. This is doing worse things to you than you realize, and you need to be separated until he's willing to address these issues.

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