I want to hear from loved ones of depressed people.

The bottom line is that you can't motivate him if he's got depression - only he can find a way out of that with the help of medication and/or counselling.

This may not help but I will give you one piece of advice and that is to never sacrifice yourself upon the bonfire of someone else's woes. You can be supportive, you can encourage them to seek help but if it looks like their depression is going to drag you under with them, you have to let your survival instinct kick in.

So support him, but for god's sake take care of yourself because let me tell you, living with a seriously depressed person is like a death from a thousand cuts....you take on more and more, forgive more and more, accept less and less, get lower and lower and ultimately something gives.

The very best of luck to you.

This. I've been in a similar situation but things are on the up now (following lots of arguments and fighting, and my boyfriend finally admitting that he had a problem) but in the end I had to say to him "I'm here to support you as much as I can but if you don't put in the effort to then I'm not willing to do it anymore". I would have left (with a heavy heart) but it gave him the kick he needed.

I realise it may not be that easy for you - just passing on my own experiences. Also, don't think I'm saying "just break up with him" because I'm definitely not.

Good luck.

It sounds like you're taking the right steps already - both you theOP as well as you, the OP and BF as couple. The thing is though, to paraphrase Tolstoy "all happy people are the same, every unhappy person is unhappy in their own way"

Back when I was at my lowest point; I could logically understand that what was going on was not good, but somehow I then just as logically managed to think that the way to make things better would be to punish myself - with EATING that extra bag of chips even though I din't really want it, with BUYING that much too expensive skirt even though I didn't really like it that much, with NOT CALLING my mother even though I missed her really badly... What really snapped me to attention and seek real help was when I discovered myself seriously considering jumping off the balcony because the sun was shining and it was all pretty outside but it made me depressed when it should have made me happy, and obvs the corrective action would be to punish myself so I'd think differently. And then, once I did realize it and sought professional help, I didn't tell anyone other than my bf. Well, I had to tell at work because I couldn't function any more, so I had to have some medical leave. I only started telling people when I was feeling better. I didn't want people up in my business, I didn't feel at all comfortable with new experiences, such as picking up a new hobby (with - the horror - new people). Even with the therapy, for several months, I knew exactly what the answers were supposed to be to the excercises we were doing; except nothing triggered an emotional response. I mean, I had low self esteem. I didn't really understand why that was *wrong* per se; it was something I'd learned to work around and i'd accepted it as a part of myself - why would I need to destroy a part of myself? Obvs because I'm not good enough. and so it went in a vicious circle.

But as I began this post: each person is unhappy in their own individual way. The underlying issues and mechanisms are always individual and therefore the solution is also always different.

So, ironically, in the session that the psychologist prefaced with "you know, I'm running out of options. If we don't have a break-through in the next three sessions I'm afraid I have to refer you to the instance that takes care of the more serious cases" what finally broke through to me was the following: I was to role-play, pick a person that I knew loved me and ask myself: would that person love me any less if I made a mistake at work? Would that person love me any less if I cried for the whole afternoon? Would that person love me any less if I didn't have energy to go to a party? How about another person from my life, would they see me as less worthy for any of those things...

For some people, the way they think other people see them is a constant obsession and *causes* depression, but for me, it was what finally set me free from my own mental chains. And my bf (now fiancé) was always there for me, gently supporting me, telling me he loved me, encouraging me to just make it through the rough day - it's ok to relax at home in just a few more hours!

My point being: while depression is a battle everyone ultimately has to face on their own, the support of a loved one can be SO important! You sound like you really try to be a support, like he's aware that there's a problem and he's taking some steps to get things better. it's a tricky balance: try to be positive and suggest things that you could do together; but don't push if you notice he's getting more depressed from thinking about the possibility. Tell him you love him and support him but don't baby him; he needs to be his own person. Tell him you'd like to do something fun (like go to the movies?) and it would be awesome if he wanted to come with, but if he didn't feel like it, don't feel bad about calling a (girl)friend of yours instead and go out anyways - though gently let him know that he would have been your first choice. Ask a friend or two of yours (just not a big group where he migth feel like he's the odd one out) that you know he likes to come over for dinner: even though a lot of the time he'll just pretend to be happy, it WILL break some of the pattern; at least for that week; and it WILL leave a positive memory.

Wow, this is one tough question and one I deal with every day. My son sounds a lot like your boyfriend but his goes a bit deeper than just depression. He is bipolar/borderline schizophrenic, with a lot of the symptoms of manic depressive. Oh boy, what fun. However, similar issues, sleeps a lot, no motivation, and has his own agenda. We do have rules and you may need to contemplate that. I try to motivate him but I also have given up getting frustrated about it. Have you had a long talk with his mom about how it was when he lived at home? If she didn't require any basic rules be followed (and trust me that is work) then that makes it tougher for you. For instance, I do require he does his own laundry, doesn't leave crap all over the kitchen, does his own pans, and a few others. He fortunately lives on another floor so he has some space he calls his own and I don't try to control that at all. I do tease a bit of I go to talk to him and it's a total disaster which usually sets off a whirlwind of cleaning and a grouchy guy for a couple of days. But at least it gets cleaned up.

Now, here's my suggestion, one: a long talk about how he could meet you halfway, part of it could be that he shift his upside down state a bit, I have to do this now and then since i require that he be awake to share dinnertime with everyone, if he has trouble remembering to do stuff then see if he will agree you can request his assistance at specific hours to do stuff like take out trash or do his laundry, whatever works to get him in very incremental ways to contribute to the household. Does he need a note or a sign (that's how we do it, his memory is shot from the meds so if I really need him to do something I leave a sign). Anyway, explore one small change at a time, and work toward whatever compromise you would like to see. Each change needs to become a habit before you add another. Slow wins the race.

Depression and anxiety are usually the result of an underlying disorder. It rarely occurs on its own and is most likely co-morbid with other disorders.

I know this because I carry a diagnosis for more than one disorder that has resulted in chronic depression and anxiety.

They cannot be treated directly. The underlying problem must be addressed before the depression will subside. If his currently treatment strategy isn't helping him then perhaps its time to look at different forms of therapy or a second opinion on his diagnosis.

^^^ this, and then a therapist who specialises in treating what the actual underlying problem is.

I was diagnosed with "depression and low self esteem" a few years back, put on antidepressants and given 7 sessions of counselling (NHS standard for the diagnosis I was given), thought I was better because I no longer felt suicidal.......... several years later was rediagnosed with something else which caused the depression, and I don't want to go into details on a public forum, but the misdiagnosis resulting in not only me not getting appropriate treatment at the time but in my mental health getting a lot worse due to choices I made since then that I would not have made if I'd known what the underlying cause of "depression and low self esteem" really was. The counsellor I saw several years later considered 7 sessions of counselling to be a joke based on what treatment I actually needed.

Sorry for being vague, but a lot of people are not well diagnosed, or misdiagnosed, then the treatment is unsuccessful, the person may get better then relapse, or they may make no progress with the treatment at all, then there's a risk that they get labelled as someone who isn't co-operating with treatment. If your partner is not making any progress with current treatment, then a 2nd opinion should be sought. Additionally, it's important that someone feels totally comfortable with their counsellor/therapist, so consider him seeing a different one if he doesn't feel that way. There is no way counselling/therapy can be beneficial if you can't be open and feel safe with the counsellor/therapist.