How do i stop being nice?

You're asking the wrong question.

The real question is "how do I become strong mentally, emotionally and physically?"

That is what you need to work on.

Give yourself one year when the focus is nothing but you. No worries about dating or meeting someone. Learn to be comfortable just hanging out with women, no ulterior motive and being effortlessly cool (which actually requires a lot of effort in the beginning...)

Invest your time and money into improving yourself, every facet of yourself, not pursuing women (who probably don't deserve to be pursued in reality). Be free and do what takes your fancy. Learn to fail and love the lessons you learn from failure. Do weights. Meditate. Find a passion outside of relationships. Try NLP. Try CBT. Read self help books like "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" or "Pscycho cybernetics". Learn to cook. The world is your oyster.

And then, when you have saved yourself and have become awesome find the biggest stick you can.

You will need it to beat off your female admirers.

One year can start today.

Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.

"Better?"

According to what definition. I think the constant pressure for everyone to be happy and better all the time is a modern disease. It's like we want to airbrush out all the complicated and nuanced and flawed aspects of human character.

Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.

Personally, I agree with this.

There are somethings at your core that you should never change: your goodness, your integrity, your kindness and so forth.

Everything else is up for grabs.

It's all about confidence.

It's okay to be nice but have a backbone when needed.

Everyone encounters situations where being a bit of a jerk is warranted.

Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.

You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.


Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.

Don't start in the first place.

May you are asking out the wrong women...

Maybe you are asking them out in such a way that it feels too aggressive....

I don't know what your interests might be, but if you are into football, beer and staying out all night...the bookish, academically oriented girls probably aren't going to want to go out drinking all night with you. But, the cheerleaders might.... (I know this is a generality, so be nice...)

If you are going up to a girl you barely know and say: Please go out with me. I think you're really pretty...that might make her uncomfortable. If you say instead: Hey, great meeting you. Would you like to get together for coffee next week? That's casual and not threatening.

Men don't have it easy...it hurts to be rejected. But, just think of it as practice till you meet the right girls.

(I do have depression, so try and be nice)

You sound fun.

yeah, you might not want to put that into any date requests. that's a nugget of info for, like, the second date.

What you're talking about there are character traits that are manifesting in a social unhealthy way. The character trait you are describing is being "laid back" and has manifested itself in that mode known as "lunching out". Now you can be true to being laid back without being a luncher. You don't have to change your character, just your focus: channel that "laid-back-ness" into other avenues, or focus it better so that it forms a healthy part of a web of surrounding activities.

That's very good way of putting of it.

Do you have a good friend who is a woman who can give you an honest assessment of you and your approach?

It may be something simple like: You mumble. Your personal hygiene isn't what it should be. You dress in out of date clothing.

A lot of "attraction" for good or ill is based upon appearances. And, if your appearance says "I don't care about myself"...then that will be a turn-off.

Also, I can't recommend highly enough: The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy. It changed my relationships in an incredibly positive way.

I thought maybe, since I'm a girl, I could help you - but some of the best starting advice came from the guy who posted:

Stop thinking that it's because you're "nice." I don't know you so it's obviously hard to judge, but in my experience, the guys saying it's because they are "nice" are usually acting like *kitten* around women and may or may not even realize it because they're trying to be something they aren't. Relax and just be you.

That's half of why the "nice guys" theory doesn't fly. The other half is because women are not mass-manufactured robots, and we don't all like "bad boys". Don't make assumptions about all women; we have different interests, different quirks, and different opinions/beliefs. We are also attracted to different things - which is lucky, because if all women liked the same things, every man who isn't Ryan Gosling would be single for life. (For the record, that man is not attractive to me in the least. I don't even know what he's famous for. However, I do like Roger Taylor from the band Queen, and Roger Daltrey from The Who. I also think that both John Lennon and Paul McCartney have their cute moments. I'm very into my music, and I wonder if the fact that my celebrity crushes are all musicians is just coincidence, or if I'd be less attracted if we didn't have music in common.)

While all women are different, here are things that the majority of women are attracted to: nice personality, confidence, and a sense of humor. Are you funny and outgoing with your buddies? Be that way around girls. Are you good with animals, elderly people, kids, or other cute things? Do you remember the little things (like favorite songs or birthdays)? Would you stop what you're doing and help someone else? People find these kinds of things attractive. You may be one of a million people who will pull over and get the turtle off the road, but she doesn't know the other 999,999 guys, which makes you stand out in a good way.

Confidence, as others have said, sounds like it's lacking here. Since women like different things, there are women who will accept you just the way you are - but you have to put yourself out there. Even if you're shy, if you don't show interest, you can't expect anything to happen. If you're nice and have a sense of humor, girls may come up to you, but again, assume that if you want something, you have to make it happen. We all have our strengths and weaknesses; the only confidence issue that is a turn off to me is when someone says, "I don't know why you'd want to be with someone like me." If you have to question why someone likes you, ask only inside your head; if you think that someone only likes you because they don't want to hurt your feelings or because they're lonely too, your relationship probably won't last long or end well.

Get involved in something you're interested in - go to concerts; volunteer at the animal shelter; if religion is important to you, get involved at your place of worship; just GO OUT. Go out with your buddies, go out alone, go wherever women can be found and see if someone catches your eye. If you're not comfortable talking to women, write a note - heck, make business cards that say, "I'm shy and you're attractive. Here's my phone number." (Just don't pass them out to two or more women in the same room...they will assume you're just trying to get laid. If you ARE just trying to get laid, make cards that say, "For a good time, call [your number]" because they'll either appreciate the honesty or come to your place for a few hours - which can also lead to a relationship.)

Try a dating website. Try having someone set you up. There are so many opportunities; you just have to try.

so try and be nice

Stop trying. Seriously, you need to find someone who likes you for you, not what you think you need to act like.

I'm not a bundle of fun. I hate fancy dress parties. If I had a lawn I'd be yelling for people to get off of it.

Yet, I have managed to have a sustained relationship for a decade. My secret? Finding someone who accepts me, as me, irregardless of my many flaws. I return the favour for her, too.

Thanks. it just seems like who I am is not working.

Working in what way? You can't be "desperate" to be with someone, you'll just end up looking desperate. It's a turn off.

When I say be yourself, I mean have the confidence to be yourself. Not doubt the way you are and worry and fret about it and feel inadequate because you're not making plays with the ladies. Unless you develop the maturity and confidence to really "be yourself" in the way I mean it, you'll just be pretending to be something you're not and then you'll be "desperate" and "fake" - hardly mission accomplished.

I guess the question is, do you want to be yourself or a fake version of someone else?