How do i stop being nice?
Replies
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I think being the best "you" you can be is what's important and a place to start:) Focus on health and wellness for you and the rest should fall into place. Alot of women are drawn to "nice" guys so why would you want to change that? Are you put in the "friend zone"?
I think because I read all the time, that being a jerk catches the ladies.... idk. And yes, always in friend zone! I think as some have said it is my confidence and I need to step that up. Which is why i came to MFP so i can get back in shape for my confidence.0 -
Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.
Ignore the poster who said that, because that is some terrible advice right there. If you want to change something for yourself, do so. If you want to change your interests or values or personality - that is who YOU are - for someone else, that's not good. You'll spend the rest of your life acting for someone who likes the person you're pretending to be. It doesn't work.0 -
i can't pretend to know the answer, but i do know the answer is not changing who you are to make it happen.
^^^ totally this
also, treat women as individuals you want to be with, not as prizes to be won. Form a friendship first. Show an interest in her as a person, rather than as a woman. Let her get to know you as a person. If you click and get along well, ask her out, then you can show an interest in her as a potential date. But you have to treat her as an individual first and show an interest in her as a human being.
this whole "how do I get a woman to go out with me?" kind of assumes that all women are the same, and can all be "won" with the right approach.... it really doesn't work like that. Women are all different from each other, go for different things in men, you have to find someone you just click with, same as finding a best friend of the same gender as you. You meet people, some you just click with and can talk all night, others you don't see eye to eye with, and others you get along with but you're not that close to... it's no different with women. If you meet a woman and you click and become like best friends pretty quickly, ask her out.0 -
You're asking the wrong question.
The real question is "how do I become strong mentally, emotionally and physically?"
That is what you need to work on.
Give yourself one year when the focus is nothing but you. No worries about dating or meeting someone. Learn to be comfortable just hanging out with women, no ulterior motive and being effortlessly cool (which actually requires a lot of effort in the beginning...)
Invest your time and money into improving yourself, every facet of yourself, not pursuing women (who probably don't deserve to be pursued in reality). Be free and do what takes your fancy. Learn to fail and love the lessons you learn from failure. Do weights. Meditate. Find a passion outside of relationships. Try NLP. Try CBT. Read self help books like "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" or "Pscycho cybernetics". Learn to cook. The world is your oyster.
And then, when you have saved yourself and have become awesome find the biggest stick you can.
You will need it to beat off your female admirers.
One year can start today.
Thanks! That is very motivating! I don't know what NLP or CBT is, but everything else seems very good and definitely worth it even if I am still single for the rest of my life :P0 -
Brutal honesty follows:
This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.
You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.
Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.
Let the flaming begin....0 -
Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.
Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.
As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.
IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.
I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.
pay attention to her, as a person, as a human being, to the words that she's saying, to what she's interested in. You would know if you were having a conversation with a man, whether or not you click and get on really well right from the start, or if you don't get along so well so just remain as acquaintances.... it's no different with women
if you're good at making friends with women, as in the kinds of friends who could stay up all night chatting... then make a move, ask her out on a date. "friendzoned" generally happens when men think that if they become friends with a woman she'll throw herself at him.... and so he never makes a move never shows he's interested.0 -
I have never been on a date, and would really like to as I feel lonely.
I really am not sure what the problem is, as I have asked plenty of women out, but am always denied. Maybe I ask too soon, or too late. Anyone willing to help diagnose my problem?
or if you you just want to post here What is the best advice from MFP to me? (I do have depression, so try and be nice)
First off, I'd say the solution is NOT to think stopping being who you currently are is the key. And you DEFINITELY don't want to "stop being nice". Think about it- how many lawsuits or court cases have you heard of where the complaint is "he was too nice to me"? Now think about how many cases of harrassment there are.
You need to be yourself. You might need to take some time and not think about dating or if it's right or wrong for you to be single. Take that time and really get to know yourself. Many times, we haven't gotten ourselves sorted out as early as we'd like. In my case, I found that the academic demands and pressures that propelled me through college had demanded so much of my attention that I still had a lot I wanted to learn about myself in my mid-twenties. I found that that affected my confidence. I was confident in what I could do, but I wasn't as confident about who I was because "Straight-A Student" had been the definition of who I was for so long. When I left the academic world, that didnt' get me as far as it used to.
Know yourself and, if you want to, grow yourself. Then, you'll be able to CONFIDENTLY be yourself. You will know where you stand. You will know where YOU want to go- not where you think other people want you to go.
Then, by being yourself, as you continue to interact with women, when one says "sure, I'd love to meet up sometime", she's meeting up with YOU, not some facade. In my job, I've seen many bad relationships that I think are rooted in people trying to act a part, which led to some bad matchups that they *thought* worked.
I know it sucks. I've fielded my fair share of "why are you still single at 29" discussions, and I've heard some pretty crackpot theories. And it's not fun to watch my friends find their loves and start their families while I'm still single. But here's the benefit I've found: While I'm still looking for "the one", I'm being myself. I'm not dividing my energies by trying to be what I think others want me to be. And, having faced death, I find that behaving this way means that, if I'm not lucky enough to find a romantic relationship before my number's up, I can still go into the hereafter and look back on my life with my head held high. And in the meantime, my friendships with men and women, single or taken, have all been much more fulfilling because I'm being honest with them. I'm not a heavy drinker, so I wasn't going to change my behavior to fit in with the other people in my peer group, and one of the most pleasant "quasi-dates" I had was when I wound up spending an evening talking to a young lady because we were both designated drivers.
I agree with you all the way. Thanks for sharing! I bolded a few things that affect me as well.0 -
I highly doubt that girls aren't going out with you because you're "too nice" and I'm not sure why you'd come to the conclusion that you need to stop being nice to get a date...:huh:0
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i can't pretend to know the answer, but i do know the answer is not changing who you are to make it happen.
I agree with this. Don't go looking for love. Let love find you. I know it sounds cliche but that's what I did. When I was younger I was constantly dating jerk after jerk. Finally I just said..forget it. And then one day, while in a really bad mood, my now hubby walked past me and smiled...he found me.0 -
Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!
i agree with this
you need to go out and do things that interest you - museums, art show, concerts, sporting events, etc - then you'll meet people with the same interested as you.
i met my husband at a concert at Lincoln Center - I wasn't going to go because my friend canceled out - I decided to go alone and it was the best thing i ever did.
my husband was there with his best friend - they noticed i was all alone at intermission and can by to talk to me.
at the end of the concert they waited for me and asked if i'd like to grab a bite and a drink.
we've been together for 22 years.
and whatever you decide to do please don't stop being a nice guy - nice guys are truly sexy and loving.0 -
Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.
You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.
Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.
Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.0 -
Hang in there
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Well it's not your looks, you're a handsome man. I don't know you, so I can't speculate about your personality.0
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May you are asking out the wrong women...
Maybe you are asking them out in such a way that it feels too aggressive....
I don't know what your interests might be, but if you are into football, beer and staying out all night...the bookish, academically oriented girls probably aren't going to want to go out drinking all night with you. But, the cheerleaders might.... (I know this is a generality, so be nice...)
If you are going up to a girl you barely know and say: Please go out with me. I think you're really pretty...that might make her uncomfortable. If you say instead: Hey, great meeting you. Would you like to get together for coffee next week? That's casual and not threatening.
Men don't have it easy...it hurts to be rejected. But, just think of it as practice till you meet the right girls.
Thanks, yea, i could be coming off the wrong way.0 -
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The idea that girls don't go for "nice guys" is a complete myth. I only ever dated nice guys and my husband is literally the nicest guy you'll ever meet. Just check out the current MFP topic: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/995469-nice-guys-vs-bad-boys and you'll see how many women go for nice guys. Please understand that being a "nice guy" has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you can't get a date.
Speaking from personal experience, if women are turning you down when you ask them out it's because there is something about you that is turning them off. I don't mean your appearance, I mean your attitude. More than likely, if you're suffering from depression, you're sending out negative vibes to the girls you talk to and they are picking up on it. No girl wants be around someone who seems desperate or already believes they're doomed for failure.
It's hard to accept, but talk to people you trust and ask their honest opinion about what you could improve on in your attitude. You're on the right track by exercising and eating healthier, taking care of yourself is incredibly important and makes you a happier and more interesting person.
Thanks, I appreciate it! I think I got caught up in this whole myth of nice guys and bad boys.0 -
(I do have depression, so try and be nice)
You sound fun.
yeah, you might not want to put that into any date requests. that's a nugget of info for, like, the second date.
Haha thanks. Yea, I try to be open about myself though, which could be the reason why. I mean. I'm not all open right away and I definitely don't tell people when I first meet them, except for you people :P0 -
Stop thinking that it's because you're "nice." I don't know you so it's obviously hard to judge, but in my experience, the guys saying it's because they are "nice" are usually acting like *kitten* around women and may or may not even realize it because they're trying to be something they aren't. Relax and just be you.
Beachiron! FTW!!!!0 -
Also, props to you for actually reading and responding to everyone's comments. Best of luck!0
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Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.
You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.
Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.
Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.
I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.
I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.0 -
Do you have a good friend who is a woman who can give you an honest assessment of you and your approach?
It may be something simple like: You mumble. Your personal hygiene isn't what it should be. You dress in out of date clothing.
A lot of "attraction" for good or ill is based upon appearances. And, if your appearance says "I don't care about myself"...then that will be a turn-off.
Also, I can't recommend highly enough: The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy. It changed my relationships in an incredibly positive way.
Actually the dressing part was true. I just had one of my friends, who is a girl, help me get better cloths and I have thrown out all old cloths. I have been working on that for awhile, but used to be a downfall of mine. because I am tall, I sometimes feel like i have to lower myself to be with my friends, which has caused me to not stand up straight all the time. so I have started standing straight the past few months, which I think has helped too.
I'll take a look into this book.0 -
I am not gonna read all the responses, but I will say same crap happened to me. For about four years I was all like "I'm so LONELY. Why isn't anyone into me? Why aren't I into anyone?" Sometimes I would get these looks from dudes that made me think "oh! He's gonna hit on me!" then he'd come over and ask if my friend was single.
CRUSHED!
Then I decided "**** IT" and realized that my happiness isn't from lovers or boyfriends, it's from how I spend my life. So I decided to make myself happy every single day doing something I love and to give up on romance. Then they came flocking to me.... within 6 months of making that decision, I had fallen in love and we spent every day together for the next two years.
people love people who love life.0 -
Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.
You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.
Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.
Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.
I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.
I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.
Depression isn't like a cat that you can give to the pound. It stays with you.
I would date someone with depression as long as he was self-aware about it and trying to manage it.
Just sayin'.0 -
Alright dude.
Here is my advise:
STOP DATING!!!
True story, I didn't go out on a "date" with my wife until we had already been married for a few months.
We would grab a bite to eat or we would catch a movie. We might even hang out together but, a "date" is just so darn formal.
Instead of asking a girl out (set time, place, ect), simply mention that you are grabbing a bite for lunch and would she like to come with.
See, it is super casual, no pressure and, if nothing happens, no big deal.
Talking about the weekend? Well, I have no doubt you are going to see the new (insert movie).
Hey, wanna come along?
Cool. I was gonna grab a burger or something first. Wanna meet up for some food first? Cool.
Just like that.
Take the "date" out of it. It means commitment and nobody wants that right out of the gate.0 -
Brutal honesty follows:
This is the best advice anyone ever gave me: Sleep with the hottest woman that will have you.
You'd be surprised at how much getting laid will shake that desperate "stink of death" off of you, boost your ego and that, in turn, boosts your confidence. Women flock to confidence and avoid guys that reek of desperation.
Anytime you feel like your slipping back down, tap another one to boost your confidence.
Let the flaming begin....
Haha, that is a great post
But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post. 0 -
Look, I didn't read the whole thread, but I'm just going to put this out there.
You are in no shape to be in a relationship. If you are depressed, then you are going to make it extremely difficult on any woman who tries to care about you. Go get some therapy and make yourself well. Then, look for love. But entering a relationship as you are now is a recipe for disaster.
Trust me. My ex-husband is bipolar and goes untreated. You really don't want to know what kind of train-wreck our marriage was.
Well, I am going to the doctors and I am being treated, however, that being said, I just don't want someone on these threads to push me into depression by accident and I go and kill myself or something as because it is more then just a mental state but a deficiency that I lack some sort of thing that causes me to be depressed and certain things can push me towards it. It's really hard to explain. but I am being treated, and if your advice is saying to get better, that is impossible for me and maybe you are right, I should not ever look for anyone.
I did not say never look for anyone. I said that you need to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. I'm not trying to be harsh with you. Depression can be very off-putting for most women. If you are lucky enough to find someone, then she is liable to have some of her own issues. Then, you are trapped in a co-dependent relationship which is a sure way to keep you trapped in your depression.
I think you would be better off focusing on your therapy until a time when you can feel that depression won't interfere with your social interactions and your own best judgment.
Depression isn't like a cat that you can give to the pound. It stays with you.
I would date someone with depression as long as he was self-aware about it and trying to manage it.
Just sayin'.
I'm sorry. I stand by my advice. I know lots of people married to depressed individuals that find themselves in difficult situations that test the boundaries of the marriage. Certainly, it creates a burden for the other person, and if they are strong enough, the marriage might survive, but given the divorce rate in our society, I think more often than not, those marriages don't survive.
I suppose, if the individual is doing all that they can to get treatment, then, it could work out. And I sure hope the best for the OP, but based on the fact that he has let a few random forum threads drag him down today, I don't think he is in a good place at the moment.0 -
Stop asking and start telling them what they're going to do.
^^LOL ... some of us definitely like someone who takes charge!0 -
Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.
Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.
As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.
IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.
I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.
pay attention to her, as a person, as a human being, to the words that she's saying, to what she's interested in. You would know if you were having a conversation with a man, whether or not you click and get on really well right from the start, or if you don't get along so well so just remain as acquaintances.... it's no different with women
if you're good at making friends with women, as in the kinds of friends who could stay up all night chatting... then make a move, ask her out on a date. "friendzoned" generally happens when men think that if they become friends with a woman she'll throw herself at him.... and so he never makes a move never shows he's interested.
Well, currently, all my friends who are girls are married, so I wouldn't want to do that, but I see what you are saying. good advice0 -
Don't listen to anyone that tells you to be yourself. Most worthless advice ever. If there are parts of you that you feel needs improving, then start changing yourself for the better.
Ummm...being oneself and improving oneself don't exactly go hand in hand. Being me is funny, kicked backed, easy going, passionate about certain things, funny, daring, and completely and totally awesome. However, improving my general weight and health have nothing to do with that. I was awesome when I was fatter and I'll be awesome when I'm more fit.
So, to say, "be yourself" is not worthless advice.
If just being yourself was working for this guy, then he wouldn't be on here asking for help. Telling someone to "be yourself" is pretty damn worthless in situations like these.0 -
i can't pretend to know the answer, but i do know the answer is not changing who you are to make it happen.
I agree with this. Don't go looking for love. Let love find you. I know it sounds cliche but that's what I did. When I was younger I was constantly dating jerk after jerk. Finally I just said..forget it. And then one day, while in a really bad mood, my now hubby walked past me and smiled...he found me.
Aww that is great! I know people tell me that all the time, and I tried that for a couple years, but because I wasn't doing anything to meet new women, I never meet anyone.... haha0
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