How do i stop being nice?
Replies
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Rob1976, that was disrespectful on all counts. OP never said he wanted to get laid; he said he wanted to go on dates. OP remains a man regardless of his beliefs on sex and marriage. And that last line? Real classy...I reported you.0
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You take being an a-hole to a whole new level.0
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Also, have you tried Match.com? (Or, that might be a Christian dating site equivalent.)
I know two people who have married men who they dated after being introduced on that site.
I've been married for a long time (and happily, too), but sometimes it is simply a numbers game...you have to meet a lot of different people to find that 1% who are going to be your match.
Dating sites are an approach you might consider. People always think that dating sites are for losers, but each of my friends is attractive, well-educated and "nice".0 -
Also, have you tried Match.com?
I know two people who have married men who they dated after being introduced on that site.
I've been married for a long time (and happily, too), but sometimes it is simply a numbers game...you have to meet a lot of different people to find that 1% who are going to be your match.
Dating sites are an approach you might consider. People always think that dating sites are for losers, but each of my friends is attractive, well-educated and "nice".
Never tried it. Might be something to consider. I think I have always felt that people were so fake on those sites. But I guess you don't really know anyone until you have dated them for awhile anyway, so it is in a sense the same thing.0 -
No, I just didn't understand why you think that I'd tell a woman that I just met who I slept with last.
My "just" wasn't in reference to placement in time, but rather in motive.
"A man who just slept with a woman to feel good about himself"0 -
But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.
Ah, that's part of your problem. I grew up Christian too.
Listen, most Christians don't make into marriage without having sex first. It's a nice idea if it happens, but do NOT hold that up as the gold standard... unless you are so smooth, you are rejecting women. Which you're not. You're going to have to be like the rest of us and go out and make mistakes and maybe get your heart shredded a few times.
Also, don't listen to advice from anyone who wasn't in your situation and got out of it. There's a ton of well-meaning, but bad advice here from people who are not, or never were, *anything* like you.
Thanks. Your last sentence is true. Your statement of being a christian is my problem falls under that same sentence. Which you very well could be right. But, I do hold that to a high esteem and feel like if I let go of that, what is life even living for. Granted I came here for advice, so I am trying to take everyones advice with a grain of salt.
Thank you for your advice. I do think I need to experience and make mistakes, but definitely not on purpose.
I am non-religious, so I personally see nothing wrong with having sex before marriage. In fact, I think marriage is outdated and worthless except possibly to make things easier legally if you split up. THAT SAID....you should NOT give up YOUR beliefs to find someone else. You WILL find someone who shares the same values. However, as you've noticed, it may take a little longer. That doesn't mean you should change who you are. I know patience is a pain, but surround yourself with good friends to help relieve some of that loneliness. Follow the sensible advice on here (like becoming more comfortable in your own skin and trying to be more social), and things will turn out...0 -
Also, have you tried Match.com?
I know two people who have married men who they dated after being introduced on that site.
I've been married for a long time (and happily, too), but sometimes it is simply a numbers game...you have to meet a lot of different people to find that 1% who are going to be your match.
Dating sites are an approach you might consider. People always think that dating sites are for losers, but each of my friends is attractive, well-educated and "nice".
Never tried it. Might be something to consider. I think I have always felt that people were so fake on those sites. But I guess you don't really know anyone until you have dated them for awhile anyway, so it is in a sense the same thing.
Just observing from my friends: The number of fakes on sites is no more than the number of fakes in real life!0 -
No, I just didn't understand why you think that I'd tell a woman that I just met who I slept with last.
"A man who just slept with a woman to feel good about himself"0 -
But I believe in only having sex after marriage as it is a sacred thing. Which could be part of my problem in this day and age too. but I love the post.
Ah, that's part of your problem. I grew up Christian too.
Listen, most Christians don't make into marriage without having sex first. It's a nice idea if it happens, but do NOT hold that up as the gold standard... unless you are so smooth, you are rejecting women. Which you're not. You're going to have to be like the rest of us and go out and make mistakes and maybe get your heart shredded a few times.
Also, don't listen to advice from anyone who wasn't in your situation and got out of it. There's a ton of well-meaning, but bad advice here from people who are not, or never were, *anything* like you.
Thanks. Your last sentence is true. Your statement of being a christian is my problem falls under that same sentence. Which you very well could be right. But, I do hold that to a high esteem and feel like if I let go of that, what is life even living for. Granted I came here for advice, so I am trying to take everyones advice with a grain of salt.
Thank you for your advice. I do think I need to experience and make mistakes, but definitely not on purpose.
I am non-religious, so I personally see nothing wrong with having sex before marriage. In fact, I think marriage is outdated and worthless except possibly to make things easier legally if you split up. THAT SAID....you should NOT give up YOUR beliefs to find someone else. You WILL find someone who shares the same values. However, as you've noticed, it may take a little longer. That doesn't mean you should change who you are. I know patience is a pain, but surround yourself with good friends to help relieve some of that loneliness. Follow the sensible advice on here (like becoming more comfortable in your own skin and trying to be more social), and things will turn out...
Thank you thank you thank you! That is exactly my thoughts after reading everything through and through.
I am very grateful for the friends and the family I do have!
I also thank you, and everyone else with your kind words. Even the people with not so kind words. I don't think they were being mean to me personally, but expression their feelings on the matter i brought up.
If anyone wants to help with motivating me in getting fit, you can add me as a friend! I will help and motivate you too! That is one thing I do find joy in, trying to help other people, and so glad to find a community that has been so nice and helpful to me.0 -
No, I just didn't understand why you think that I'd tell a woman that I just met who I slept with last.
"A man who just slept with a woman to feel good about himself"
but your character would be evident. And I would pass over you. Don't be so defensive. I'm sure many girls would be ok with the situation. I'm just saying that you were wrong to suggest that would be beneficial in landing "a woman" because I am "a woman" and it would be the kind of thing that once I found out about (because eventually these things do come up), I would consider you the kind of man I would not want to share my life with.0 -
Stop asking and start telling them what they're going to do.
:drinker: :flowerforyou:
WINNING!!0 -
No, I just didn't understand why you think that I'd tell a woman that I just met who I slept with last.
"A man who just slept with a woman to feel good about himself"0 -
Also, have you tried Match.com?
I know two people who have married men who they dated after being introduced on that site.
I've been married for a long time (and happily, too), but sometimes it is simply a numbers game...you have to meet a lot of different people to find that 1% who are going to be your match.
Dating sites are an approach you might consider. People always think that dating sites are for losers, but each of my friends is attractive, well-educated and "nice".
Never tried it. Might be something to consider. I think I have always felt that people were so fake on those sites. But I guess you don't really know anyone until you have dated them for awhile anyway, so it is in a sense the same thing.
Just observing from my friends: The number of fakes on sites is no more than the number of fakes in real life!
You came here asking about how to change yourself, but you're not into dating websites because you think those people are fake... :noway: When you go on a date, you're both faking anyway; the makeup, the nice outfits, the politeness...it's all an act - which is why I prefer to know someone as a friend before dating them, as opposed to going out with an acquaintance or stranger (which is why the friend zone thing is ridiculous) - but in spite of that, there are real people out there, just like yourself, who are genuinely interested in finding a life mate. Maybe try Christian Mingle instead. You might have an easier time finding a gal with similar values on a site that is specifically for Christians.
Edit: And, again, if you're just not interested in dating sites or don't have the money to spare, try meeting people in your community - through your church or one like it - or through friends who share your values. The first step to finding someone is meeting them... ya gotta get out there! :-)0 -
I met my boyfriend on plentyoffish.com. i joined that site on a friend's recommendation and within a few hours got over a dozen pervy messages from guys. I was not interested in that sort of "relationship" and was ready to quit the site. I happened to look at their banner of "Men near you!" that they had near the top and my boyfriend's display picture was of him with his cat on his shoulder. I shyly sent him a message already in full crush mode and logged off the site. A few days later i got an email saying that he had responded to me. I responded back and asked for his facebook information since I was done with the site and all the pervs that were flocking towards me. We talked on facebook for a few hours then he gave me his phone number. I was smitten from the first second and have been smitten every since. I am so glad that I saw that banner on that site and had the courage to actually send him a message first.
I tried other dating sites and meet a few good guys on them but didn't get serious with any of them. You just have to be patient and willing to put yourself out there. It's a lot easier to do online than in person IMO.
Being nice is not the problem. I would never date a guy that wasn't nice and I know many people that feel the same. You just need to be confident (or fake it) and take a few risks.0 -
No, I just didn't understand why you think that I'd tell a woman that I just met who I slept with last.
"A man who just slept with a woman to feel good about himself"
Tell that to your wife.0 -
Also, have you tried Match.com?
I know two people who have married men who they dated after being introduced on that site.
I've been married for a long time (and happily, too), but sometimes it is simply a numbers game...you have to meet a lot of different people to find that 1% who are going to be your match.
Dating sites are an approach you might consider. People always think that dating sites are for losers, but each of my friends is attractive, well-educated and "nice".
Never tried it. Might be something to consider. I think I have always felt that people were so fake on those sites. But I guess you don't really know anyone until you have dated them for awhile anyway, so it is in a sense the same thing.
Just observing from my friends: The number of fakes on sites is no more than the number of fakes in real life!
You came here asking about how to change yourself, but you're not into dating websites because you think those people are fake... :noway: When you go on a date, you're both faking anyway; the makeup, the nice outfits, the politeness...it's all an act - which is why I prefer to know someone as a friend before dating them, as opposed to going out with an acquaintance or stranger (which is why the friend zone thing is ridiculous) - but in spite of that, there are real people out there, just like yourself, who are genuinely interested in finding a life mate. Maybe try Christian Mingle instead. You might have an easier time finding a gal with similar values on a site that is specifically for Christians.
Edit: And, again, if you're just not interested in dating sites or don't have the money to spare, try meeting people in your community - through your church or one like it - or through friends who share your values. The first step to finding someone is meeting them... ya gotta get out there! :-)
Bold part wasn't my response. but any way, i never said i wasn't into it. I said i never tried it because I thought of it being fake. that's all.0 -
Women can sniff out desperation in a second. Don't make it about you wanting/needing/deserving a date. It's about finding someone you are interested in spending time with and spending time with them. Go out and do things that interest you, don't think about trying to meet someone, because the second you stop caring you become more attractive.0
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Start doing things YOU love... and focus on you and your confidence. The rest will come (or maybe not, but you told me to be nice, so I'm all... glass half full and stuff).
This is how I found the love of my life. Wasn't even looking, really, but I was happy and confident and it fell into place. It's the best thing you can do--focus on yourself, your interests, your passions. Happiness and fulfillment are attractive.0 -
Be yourself, like yourself, respect yourself, and occasionally, make fun of yourself.
Then, pay attention. Women aren't always going to throw themselves at you, you have to pay attention to what they aren't saying just as much as to what they are saying.
As previously stated, do the things you like to do and you will find someone with similar interests.
IF all else fails, I hear mail order brides are all the rage.
I think that is part of my problem too, I do not have enough experience to know the "signs". I do not know what to pay attention to.
pay attention to her, as a person, as a human being, to the words that she's saying, to what she's interested in. You would know if you were having a conversation with a man, whether or not you click and get on really well right from the start, or if you don't get along so well so just remain as acquaintances.... it's no different with women
if you're good at making friends with women, as in the kinds of friends who could stay up all night chatting... then make a move, ask her out on a date. "friendzoned" generally happens when men think that if they become friends with a woman she'll throw herself at him.... and so he never makes a move never shows he's interested.
Well, currently, all my friends who are girls are married, so I wouldn't want to do that, but I see what you are saying. good advice
take up a hobby or something... something that you'll enjoy... but that gets you out of the house and meeting different people. You meet in the context of sharing a hobby, you have something in common right from the start, so that is a good way to meet people that you are more likely to click with. BTW this only works if you take up the hobby/activity for its own sake, you're not using it as a pick-up joint. And if you don't meet someone you still have a new hobby, which is a good thing to have when you're trying to beat depression (this is from personal experience of mental health issues btw, anything that gets you out of the house and doing stuff you enjoy is good for you.... if you happen to meet someone in the process, then that's two great things from it)
Yea, I need to find a hobby.... other then programming.
I totally agree with the hobby advice.
You know, you could try to get involved in a programming club/montly meeting. There are plenty around my area that work on mini-projects outside of work or give presentations on new languages/techniques. However, I don't know how many female programmers there are in general lol.0 -
Alright dude.
Here is my advise:
STOP DATING!!!
True story, I didn't go out on a "date" with my wife until we had already been married for a few months.
We would grab a bite to eat or we would catch a movie. We might even hang out together but, a "date" is just so darn formal.
Instead of asking a girl out (set time, place, ect), simply mention that you are grabbing a bite for lunch and would she like to come with.
See, it is super casual, no pressure and, if nothing happens, no big deal.
Talking about the weekend? Well, I have no doubt you are going to see the new (insert movie).
Hey, wanna come along?
Cool. I was gonna grab a burger or something first. Wanna meet up for some food first? Cool.
Just like that.
Take the "date" out of it. It means commitment and nobody wants that right out of the gate.
This is a GREAT tip. I, for one, can vouch that I am much more likely to go and do something if it is a casual invite as opposed to "official." Bonus, there is less pressure for everyone involved (likely resulting in decreased nerves, increased overall fun, and ability to be yourself)!0 -
i used to be excruciatingly shy, and i know how lonely it can get.
you've received a lot of responses, and i just want to add this:
1) try to relax, look confident (even if you're faking it), and SMILE. a friendly smile goes a long way. you do not look confident or happy in your profile picture.
2) you used to run... maybe you could join a running club. you'll meet women with a common interest, have ample opportunities for meeting up and chatting, and get some exercise at the same time!
3) there ARE female programmers out there. plenty of them. i'm a software engineer myself. but it's my profession, NOT my hobby. i met my husband, also an engineer, at work. so we had that in common, but it was our common interests outside of work that made him interesting -- going to concerts, hiking, pet ownership, etc. what made him different enough to reel me in? he is an amazing cook! you might consider learning a skill or hobby that is creative (besides programming), because the smart, creative women who i know like smart, creative men.
good luck!0 -
One of the better conversations I've seen in the Chit-Chat section.
1. OP posts personal problem, asks for help.
2. Advice ensues, some snarky, some compassionate.
3. OP doesn't get defensive, seems genuinely willing to hear advice, doesn't freak out.
4. Thread continues, even with opposing viewpoints.
Thank you, OP, for your part in #3.
Of course, we're only six pages in and I haven't read all the posts. Things could blow up any minute. But I think OP's willingness to be vulnerable and consider different viewpoints at least shows some depth of character.
Depression sucks. Being lonely sucks. There isn't one answer that fits everyone. But asking questions and seeking different answers is a good start. Being willing to listen, to think differently, act differently, try new behaviors - that will open up your options.
Lots of good advice here already. I'm glad you've moved past the "being nice" myth. I support the notion of not getting too focused on the loneliness. If you are trying to "fix" that, it's unlikely you'll attract someone healthy. I've always liked the approach of focusing inward, working on yourself - getting a handle on your depression (meds/counseling), improving your health, getting some confidence. Rather than focusing on who you want to be with, consider focusing on how you want to show up in a relationship.
Also, there is nothing wrong with going out on multiple dates, having fun. Practice spending time socially with people - male and female. Try not to get caught up in the mental quicksand of "I've got to find my soul mate by next Thursday."0 -
One of the better conversations I've seen in the Chit-Chat section.
1. OP posts personal problem, asks for help.
2. Advice ensues, some snarky, some compassionate.
3. OP doesn't get defensive, seems genuinely willing to hear advice, doesn't freak out.
4. Thread continues, even with opposing viewpoints.
Thank you, OP, for your part in #3.
Of course, we're only six pages in and I haven't read all the posts. Things could blow up any minute. But I think OP's willingness to be vulnerable and consider different viewpoints at least shows some depth of character.
Depression sucks. Being lonely sucks. There isn't one answer that fits everyone. But asking questions and seeking different answers is a good start. Being willing to listen, to think differently, act differently, try new behaviors - that will open up your options.
Lots of good advice here already. I'm glad you've moved past the "being nice" myth. I support the notion of not getting too focused on the loneliness. If you are trying to "fix" that, it's unlikely you'll attract someone healthy. I've always liked the approach of focusing inward, working on yourself - getting a handle on your depression (meds/counseling), improving your health, getting some confidence. Rather than focusing on who you want to be with, consider focusing on how you want to show up in a relationship.
Also, there is nothing wrong with going out on multiple dates, having fun. Practice spending time socially with people - male and female. Try not to get caught up in the mental quicksand of "I've got to find my soul mate by next Thursday."
/thread0 -
I have never been on a date, and would really like to as I feel lonely.
I really am not sure what the problem is, as I have asked plenty of women out, but am always denied. Maybe I ask too soon, or too late. Anyone willing to help diagnose my problem?
or if you you just want to post here What is the best advice from MFP to me? (I do have depression, so try and be nice)
are you seeing a therapist? that's a first step, i think, to addressing your issues. i love my shrink. truly a godsend. start with working on your depression and confidence issues. then, i would advise that you do some meetup.com stuff according to your interests. do you like ultimate frisbee? dungeons and dragons? crocheting? billiards? there's a group for everything and you're likely to meet someone with common interests. going directly to match for the "soulmate search" is probably not your best bet.
i honestly wish you the best. it's hard to believe you haven't been on a date *ever* since you're 27--not bad looking either--but i think you have to make your insides match your outsides or vice versa or whatever the hell the saying is.0 -
Posted this in another thread, and it seems appropriate to recycle some of it here, sorry if I repeat anything already covered:
Don't worry about changing who you are, unless you aren't happy with yourself. As far as relationships go, It doesn't matter with the whole nice guy/bad guy thing. I used to think that I had to be one or the other, and I tried so hard at both that I was alone the whole time. At some point I grew up and decided that I was just going to be who I was and try to figure out how to live whatever kind of life I had in a way that made me happy. It addition, I started getting out and meeting people. A lot of people. I put no assumed expectations on anyone, and didn't allow anyone to put any on me. Then one day, I met my wife and it all clicked into place.
Moral of the story, just be yourself. Live the life you want to live, meet enough people, and you'll wind up finding someone you want to be with, who also wants to be with you. If it doesn't work the first time, rinse, and repeat. You just have to put yourself out there.0 -
act like ur not desperate. act lyke a douche0
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One of the better conversations I've seen in the Chit-Chat section.
1. OP posts personal problem, asks for help.
2. Advice ensues, some snarky, some compassionate.
3. OP doesn't get defensive, seems genuinely willing to hear advice, doesn't freak out.
4. Thread continues, even with opposing viewpoints.
Thank you, OP, for your part in #3.
Of course, we're only six pages in and I haven't read all the posts. Things could blow up any minute. But I think OP's willingness to be vulnerable and consider different viewpoints at least shows some depth of character.
Depression sucks. Being lonely sucks. There isn't one answer that fits everyone. But asking questions and seeking different answers is a good start. Being willing to listen, to think differently, act differently, try new behaviors - that will open up your options.
Lots of good advice here already. I'm glad you've moved past the "being nice" myth. I support the notion of not getting too focused on the loneliness. If you are trying to "fix" that, it's unlikely you'll attract someone healthy. I've always liked the approach of focusing inward, working on yourself - getting a handle on your depression (meds/counseling), improving your health, getting some confidence. Rather than focusing on who you want to be with, consider focusing on how you want to show up in a relationship.
Also, there is nothing wrong with going out on multiple dates, having fun. Practice spending time socially with people - male and female. Try not to get caught up in the mental quicksand of "I've got to find my soul mate by next Thursday."
Haha, thanks. I try to be very open minded. However, I also stick to what I believe in, unless I prove to myself otherwise.
I think deep down, I am mad that things didn't turn out the way I wanted. which is selfish i guess, but is the way i feel. I guess everyone wants a certain situation and life to be a certain way, but not always get what they want. So I think I was down about that. But, really I feel this has helped me at least see what people with no stake in my life think.
And as I said before, I appreciates everyone's opinion, and to take the time out of your own life to comment on this thread and on this subject. it has been something that I have been wondering, and working on for awhile now. I kindof started the thread very vague but wanted to just get it out to this community to see what was the thought on it.
I probably should have left out the depression part, as I have that handled pretty well now, but I figured it wouldn't hurt since I have been dealing with it my whole life to see what people thought about it. I am very surprised on what some people did think about that.0 -
I have never been on a date, and would really like to as I feel lonely.
I really am not sure what the problem is, as I have asked plenty of women out, but am always denied. Maybe I ask too soon, or too late. Anyone willing to help diagnose my problem?
or if you you just want to post here What is the best advice from MFP to me? (I do have depression, so try and be nice)
are you seeing a therapist? that's a first step, i think, to addressing your issues. i love my shrink. truly a godsend. start with working on your depression and confidence issues. then, i would advise that you do some meetup.com stuff according to your interests. do you like ultimate frisbee? dungeons and dragons? crocheting? billiards? there's a group for everything and you're likely to meet someone with common interests. going directly to match for the "soulmate search" is probably not your best bet.
i honestly wish you the best. it's hard to believe you haven't been on a date *ever* since you're 27--not bad looking either--but i think you have to make your insides match your outsides or vice versa or whatever the hell the saying is.
No, I'm not seeing a therapist. I've been able to handle it pretty well with friends and family and medication. Might be something I need to do if I feel it getting bad again, but this year has been real good. However, too, I have been very busy as I just bought a house.
I'll try meetup.com. And I have not been on an official date, so to speak. I have had tons of friends who were single women. But I have never had girlfriend.
I think too, my focus when i was young was on schooling, which is why i have a career as a developer. So I never had time to "date" i guess. But ever since I turned 21 I have been looking and trying with no avail.0 -
Posted this in another thread, and it seems appropriate to recycle some of it here, sorry if I repeat anything already covered:
Don't worry about changing who you are, unless you aren't happy with yourself. As far as relationships go, It doesn't matter with the whole nice guy/bad guy thing. I used to think that I had to be one or the other, and I tried so hard at both that I was alone the whole time. At some point I grew up and decided that I was just going to be who I was and try to figure out how to live whatever kind of life I had in a way that made me happy. It addition, I started getting out and meeting people. A lot of people. I put no assumed expectations on anyone, and didn't allow anyone to put any on me. Then one day, I met my wife and it all clicked into place.
Moral of the story, just be yourself. Live the life you want to live, meet enough people, and you'll wind up finding someone you want to be with, who also wants to be with you. If it doesn't work the first time, rinse, and repeat. You just have to put yourself out there.
Awesome post, thanks!
I think this thread has helped me just be motivated to be a better person, and not really care about finding someone, but care about who I am and to be with other people, with no strings attached.0 -
Nice isn't the problem.
My guess would be that you lack assertiveness.
Start strength training.
This is solid advice.
THIS! Strength training is awesome!
Another option is to find women who are more assertive than you are. I am a strong believer in many people needing SOs that balance them out. For instance, I am assertive to the point that I'm almost aggressive and I seem to have better relationships with men who are less assertive than I am (albeit, not passive because that gets annoying after a while)0
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