How do i stop being nice?
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Replies
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i used to be excruciatingly shy, and i know how lonely it can get.
you've received a lot of responses, and i just want to add this:
1) try to relax, look confident (even if you're faking it), and SMILE. a friendly smile goes a long way. you do not look confident or happy in your profile picture.
2) you used to run... maybe you could join a running club. you'll meet women with a common interest, have ample opportunities for meeting up and chatting, and get some exercise at the same time!
3) there ARE female programmers out there. plenty of them. i'm a software engineer myself. but it's my profession, NOT my hobby. i met my husband, also an engineer, at work. so we had that in common, but it was our common interests outside of work that made him interesting -- going to concerts, hiking, pet ownership, etc. what made him different enough to reel me in? he is an amazing cook! you might consider learning a skill or hobby that is creative (besides programming), because the smart, creative women who i know like smart, creative men.
good luck!0 -
One of the better conversations I've seen in the Chit-Chat section.
1. OP posts personal problem, asks for help.
2. Advice ensues, some snarky, some compassionate.
3. OP doesn't get defensive, seems genuinely willing to hear advice, doesn't freak out.
4. Thread continues, even with opposing viewpoints.
Thank you, OP, for your part in #3.
Of course, we're only six pages in and I haven't read all the posts. Things could blow up any minute. But I think OP's willingness to be vulnerable and consider different viewpoints at least shows some depth of character.
Depression sucks. Being lonely sucks. There isn't one answer that fits everyone. But asking questions and seeking different answers is a good start. Being willing to listen, to think differently, act differently, try new behaviors - that will open up your options.
Lots of good advice here already. I'm glad you've moved past the "being nice" myth. I support the notion of not getting too focused on the loneliness. If you are trying to "fix" that, it's unlikely you'll attract someone healthy. I've always liked the approach of focusing inward, working on yourself - getting a handle on your depression (meds/counseling), improving your health, getting some confidence. Rather than focusing on who you want to be with, consider focusing on how you want to show up in a relationship.
Also, there is nothing wrong with going out on multiple dates, having fun. Practice spending time socially with people - male and female. Try not to get caught up in the mental quicksand of "I've got to find my soul mate by next Thursday."0 -
One of the better conversations I've seen in the Chit-Chat section.
1. OP posts personal problem, asks for help.
2. Advice ensues, some snarky, some compassionate.
3. OP doesn't get defensive, seems genuinely willing to hear advice, doesn't freak out.
4. Thread continues, even with opposing viewpoints.
Thank you, OP, for your part in #3.
Of course, we're only six pages in and I haven't read all the posts. Things could blow up any minute. But I think OP's willingness to be vulnerable and consider different viewpoints at least shows some depth of character.
Depression sucks. Being lonely sucks. There isn't one answer that fits everyone. But asking questions and seeking different answers is a good start. Being willing to listen, to think differently, act differently, try new behaviors - that will open up your options.
Lots of good advice here already. I'm glad you've moved past the "being nice" myth. I support the notion of not getting too focused on the loneliness. If you are trying to "fix" that, it's unlikely you'll attract someone healthy. I've always liked the approach of focusing inward, working on yourself - getting a handle on your depression (meds/counseling), improving your health, getting some confidence. Rather than focusing on who you want to be with, consider focusing on how you want to show up in a relationship.
Also, there is nothing wrong with going out on multiple dates, having fun. Practice spending time socially with people - male and female. Try not to get caught up in the mental quicksand of "I've got to find my soul mate by next Thursday."
/thread0 -
I have never been on a date, and would really like to as I feel lonely.
I really am not sure what the problem is, as I have asked plenty of women out, but am always denied. Maybe I ask too soon, or too late. Anyone willing to help diagnose my problem?
or if you you just want to post here What is the best advice from MFP to me? (I do have depression, so try and be nice)
are you seeing a therapist? that's a first step, i think, to addressing your issues. i love my shrink. truly a godsend. start with working on your depression and confidence issues. then, i would advise that you do some meetup.com stuff according to your interests. do you like ultimate frisbee? dungeons and dragons? crocheting? billiards? there's a group for everything and you're likely to meet someone with common interests. going directly to match for the "soulmate search" is probably not your best bet.
i honestly wish you the best. it's hard to believe you haven't been on a date *ever* since you're 27--not bad looking either--but i think you have to make your insides match your outsides or vice versa or whatever the hell the saying is.0 -
Posted this in another thread, and it seems appropriate to recycle some of it here, sorry if I repeat anything already covered:
Don't worry about changing who you are, unless you aren't happy with yourself. As far as relationships go, It doesn't matter with the whole nice guy/bad guy thing. I used to think that I had to be one or the other, and I tried so hard at both that I was alone the whole time. At some point I grew up and decided that I was just going to be who I was and try to figure out how to live whatever kind of life I had in a way that made me happy. It addition, I started getting out and meeting people. A lot of people. I put no assumed expectations on anyone, and didn't allow anyone to put any on me. Then one day, I met my wife and it all clicked into place.
Moral of the story, just be yourself. Live the life you want to live, meet enough people, and you'll wind up finding someone you want to be with, who also wants to be with you. If it doesn't work the first time, rinse, and repeat. You just have to put yourself out there.0 -
act like ur not desperate. act lyke a douche0
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One of the better conversations I've seen in the Chit-Chat section.
1. OP posts personal problem, asks for help.
2. Advice ensues, some snarky, some compassionate.
3. OP doesn't get defensive, seems genuinely willing to hear advice, doesn't freak out.
4. Thread continues, even with opposing viewpoints.
Thank you, OP, for your part in #3.
Of course, we're only six pages in and I haven't read all the posts. Things could blow up any minute. But I think OP's willingness to be vulnerable and consider different viewpoints at least shows some depth of character.
Depression sucks. Being lonely sucks. There isn't one answer that fits everyone. But asking questions and seeking different answers is a good start. Being willing to listen, to think differently, act differently, try new behaviors - that will open up your options.
Lots of good advice here already. I'm glad you've moved past the "being nice" myth. I support the notion of not getting too focused on the loneliness. If you are trying to "fix" that, it's unlikely you'll attract someone healthy. I've always liked the approach of focusing inward, working on yourself - getting a handle on your depression (meds/counseling), improving your health, getting some confidence. Rather than focusing on who you want to be with, consider focusing on how you want to show up in a relationship.
Also, there is nothing wrong with going out on multiple dates, having fun. Practice spending time socially with people - male and female. Try not to get caught up in the mental quicksand of "I've got to find my soul mate by next Thursday."
Haha, thanks. I try to be very open minded. However, I also stick to what I believe in, unless I prove to myself otherwise.
I think deep down, I am mad that things didn't turn out the way I wanted. which is selfish i guess, but is the way i feel. I guess everyone wants a certain situation and life to be a certain way, but not always get what they want. So I think I was down about that. But, really I feel this has helped me at least see what people with no stake in my life think.
And as I said before, I appreciates everyone's opinion, and to take the time out of your own life to comment on this thread and on this subject. it has been something that I have been wondering, and working on for awhile now. I kindof started the thread very vague but wanted to just get it out to this community to see what was the thought on it.
I probably should have left out the depression part, as I have that handled pretty well now, but I figured it wouldn't hurt since I have been dealing with it my whole life to see what people thought about it. I am very surprised on what some people did think about that.0 -
I have never been on a date, and would really like to as I feel lonely.
I really am not sure what the problem is, as I have asked plenty of women out, but am always denied. Maybe I ask too soon, or too late. Anyone willing to help diagnose my problem?
or if you you just want to post here What is the best advice from MFP to me? (I do have depression, so try and be nice)
are you seeing a therapist? that's a first step, i think, to addressing your issues. i love my shrink. truly a godsend. start with working on your depression and confidence issues. then, i would advise that you do some meetup.com stuff according to your interests. do you like ultimate frisbee? dungeons and dragons? crocheting? billiards? there's a group for everything and you're likely to meet someone with common interests. going directly to match for the "soulmate search" is probably not your best bet.
i honestly wish you the best. it's hard to believe you haven't been on a date *ever* since you're 27--not bad looking either--but i think you have to make your insides match your outsides or vice versa or whatever the hell the saying is.
No, I'm not seeing a therapist. I've been able to handle it pretty well with friends and family and medication. Might be something I need to do if I feel it getting bad again, but this year has been real good. However, too, I have been very busy as I just bought a house.
I'll try meetup.com. And I have not been on an official date, so to speak. I have had tons of friends who were single women. But I have never had girlfriend.
I think too, my focus when i was young was on schooling, which is why i have a career as a developer. So I never had time to "date" i guess. But ever since I turned 21 I have been looking and trying with no avail.0 -
Posted this in another thread, and it seems appropriate to recycle some of it here, sorry if I repeat anything already covered:
Don't worry about changing who you are, unless you aren't happy with yourself. As far as relationships go, It doesn't matter with the whole nice guy/bad guy thing. I used to think that I had to be one or the other, and I tried so hard at both that I was alone the whole time. At some point I grew up and decided that I was just going to be who I was and try to figure out how to live whatever kind of life I had in a way that made me happy. It addition, I started getting out and meeting people. A lot of people. I put no assumed expectations on anyone, and didn't allow anyone to put any on me. Then one day, I met my wife and it all clicked into place.
Moral of the story, just be yourself. Live the life you want to live, meet enough people, and you'll wind up finding someone you want to be with, who also wants to be with you. If it doesn't work the first time, rinse, and repeat. You just have to put yourself out there.
Awesome post, thanks!
I think this thread has helped me just be motivated to be a better person, and not really care about finding someone, but care about who I am and to be with other people, with no strings attached.0 -
Nice isn't the problem.
My guess would be that you lack assertiveness.
Start strength training.
This is solid advice.
THIS! Strength training is awesome!
Another option is to find women who are more assertive than you are. I am a strong believer in many people needing SOs that balance them out. For instance, I am assertive to the point that I'm almost aggressive and I seem to have better relationships with men who are less assertive than I am (albeit, not passive because that gets annoying after a while)0 -
Posted this in another thread, and it seems appropriate to recycle some of it here, sorry if I repeat anything already covered:
Don't worry about changing who you are, unless you aren't happy with yourself. As far as relationships go, It doesn't matter with the whole nice guy/bad guy thing. I used to think that I had to be one or the other, and I tried so hard at both that I was alone the whole time. At some point I grew up and decided that I was just going to be who I was and try to figure out how to live whatever kind of life I had in a way that made me happy. It addition, I started getting out and meeting people. A lot of people. I put no assumed expectations on anyone, and didn't allow anyone to put any on me. Then one day, I met my wife and it all clicked into place.
Moral of the story, just be yourself. Live the life you want to live, meet enough people, and you'll wind up finding someone you want to be with, who also wants to be with you. If it doesn't work the first time, rinse, and repeat. You just have to put yourself out there.
Awesome post, thanks!
I think this thread has helped me just be motivated to be a better person, and not really care about finding someone, but care about who I am and to be with other people, with no strings attached.
That's it exactly bro. Once you are confident, and happy with yourself, others will see that. Be among as many different kinds of people as you can. Be you. Life happens organically.0 -
Maybe you should get a dog or a cat. JK Get involved in something you like and you'll find someone with similar interests and then you'll know which girl to ask out!
i agree with this
you need to go out and do things that interest you - museums, art show, concerts, sporting events, etc - then you'll meet people with the same interested as you.
i met my husband at a concert at Lincoln Center - I wasn't going to go because my friend canceled out - I decided to go alone and it was the best thing i ever did.
my husband was there with his best friend - they noticed i was all alone at intermission and can by to talk to me.
at the end of the concert they waited for me and asked if i'd like to grab a bite and a drink.
we've been together for 22 years.
and whatever you decide to do please don't stop being a nice guy - nice guys are truly sexy and loving.
Aww thank you! You are so sweet. I think you are right. I do need to. But the problem is, I am a programmer and that is what I love doing. Programming. I don't play video games, I build programs for other people to enjoy. So it can be hard to find people with similar interests. I may need to get another hobby......
yes, try new things.
take a cooking class, great way to meet people - and who doesn't love a man who has moves in the kitchen.
take a course at the local college for adults - learn a new language, take an art class, etc.
at first glance people think programmers lack social skills and don't know how to communicate but the truth of the matter is.........
you're an artist, you have vision and create a beautiful product from nothing. of course you don't want to chat it up when your at the computer writing code - you're creating - do you think von Gogh or Picasso were interrupted while they created their works of art.
this skill and passion is completely understood by other artistic type of people - artists do not need their friends and mates to work in the same medium as them but they do need to be around other creative people because they understand that desire to create and that its a passion that can not be denied. it keeps you up till or hours of the night, you forget to eat, etc.
i am an artist that works with creating fabric and they making art out of it to hang on your wall - my husband is an artist - he writes and produces songs. we don't work in the same medium but we understand the passion and respect it. when he pulls an all nighter or i lock myself in the studio for the entire weekend - we don't get upset because we understand the passion.
you are an artist, you will always be an artist, you need to start socializing with other artists, and then you will find that creative soul mate that is perfect for you.0 -
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Stop thinking that it's because you're "nice." I don't know you so it's obviously hard to judge, but in my experience, the guys saying it's because they are "nice" are usually acting like *kitten* around women and may or may not even realize it because they're trying to be something they aren't. Relax and just be you.
^^^ This or if not a *kitten* then needy and WAY TO INTENSE. If you think you are nice you really need to relax rather than focussing on your datelessness instead focus on things you love to do.0 -
Last thought:
Dating is such a terrible concept.
When I stopped "dating" I finally developed a serious relationship which resulted in a happy marriage of now almost 20 years.
What I started doing: Getting to know people of the opposite sex as people. Seeing what others saw as "dating" as more of an exploration of whether or not I wanted this person as a friend.
I think people can sense if you have an "agenda" and it can be off putting. If you approach women as people who have friend potential and that's your goal in asking them out to coffee or whatever....I think you'll find "dating" easier.0
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