Fat people in your family hating on your efforts to lose
amaysngrace
Posts: 742 Member
Okay, I have been trying to lose weight for many years, never thinking I would actually achieve this goal. I was always petite and slim in high school. I began to gain weight while I was in college and continued to balloon being at my highest weight of 240 pounds. Now, I am currently 191 pounds and my goal weight was 150, but now I am shooting for 105.
The problem is that my family is very unsupportive. My grandma on my dad's side and my uncle are very mean. They have been making me the butt of their jokes for many years in front of other friends and family members. Of course, they were always jokes about me being fat. Well, on Memorial Day, I was the slimmest I had ever been in years and now my uncle is the one who is fat. My grandma has always been fat, even though she is the main one making the "fat jokes" about me.
My question to others who may have experienced this in their family is: Why do the people closest to you make fat jokes about the ones they supposedly care for, when they themselves are fat too? My grandma would always point out how fat I was and I knew I was fat, but I did not need her to point this out to me. I was not rude to her and pointing out her fatness to others, or then I would have been considered "the rude one." Secondly, my uncle who is now fat did not even comment on my weight loss, he acted as if he did not notice. I also have a neighbor that acts as if she does not seem to notice my weight loss, even though other neighbors have complimented me, in front of her. Even her daughter came up to me the other day and said something nice about the way I look. Could other people be so bitter that they cant even acknowledge someone else's accomplishment? It is not easy to lose weight and try to eat healthy, at least for me, so this is a big accomplishment.
Has anyone experienced this in their weight loss journey? Please share your stories and if their are any psychologists who would like to weigh in here, feel free to do so. I just need clarity because this was the reason I gained weight to begin with because of people trying to sabotage my efforts by being negative and unsupportive towards me. Why is my grandma and uncle so hateful about the fact that I was fat and now that I am no longer looking fat, they make jokes about something else on me. Mind you, there are other fat people in our family, but I am the "target" for whatever reason.
Anyone share your stories, give me your insight if you have any.
Thanks.
The problem is that my family is very unsupportive. My grandma on my dad's side and my uncle are very mean. They have been making me the butt of their jokes for many years in front of other friends and family members. Of course, they were always jokes about me being fat. Well, on Memorial Day, I was the slimmest I had ever been in years and now my uncle is the one who is fat. My grandma has always been fat, even though she is the main one making the "fat jokes" about me.
My question to others who may have experienced this in their family is: Why do the people closest to you make fat jokes about the ones they supposedly care for, when they themselves are fat too? My grandma would always point out how fat I was and I knew I was fat, but I did not need her to point this out to me. I was not rude to her and pointing out her fatness to others, or then I would have been considered "the rude one." Secondly, my uncle who is now fat did not even comment on my weight loss, he acted as if he did not notice. I also have a neighbor that acts as if she does not seem to notice my weight loss, even though other neighbors have complimented me, in front of her. Even her daughter came up to me the other day and said something nice about the way I look. Could other people be so bitter that they cant even acknowledge someone else's accomplishment? It is not easy to lose weight and try to eat healthy, at least for me, so this is a big accomplishment.
Has anyone experienced this in their weight loss journey? Please share your stories and if their are any psychologists who would like to weigh in here, feel free to do so. I just need clarity because this was the reason I gained weight to begin with because of people trying to sabotage my efforts by being negative and unsupportive towards me. Why is my grandma and uncle so hateful about the fact that I was fat and now that I am no longer looking fat, they make jokes about something else on me. Mind you, there are other fat people in our family, but I am the "target" for whatever reason.
Anyone share your stories, give me your insight if you have any.
Thanks.
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Replies
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First off, I would say this is nothing to do with you, and I would try very hard not to let it get to you. You have been very successful and should be really proud of yourself!
Families are weird. People say things to their close relatives that they wouldn't dream of saying to other people. I was a bit confused by your post - did your grandma continue to make fat jokes/mean remarks to you after you've lost the weight, or was it that she just hasn't mentioned it? With regards to your uncle, he may not have mentioned it because it makes him feel insecure about his weight. Maybe he's jealous. Maybe seeing your success makes him feel inadequate because he feels unable to do the same. Maybe he's embarrassed about the comments he made in the past. Maybe he just doesn't know how to relate to you if not through fat jokes.
As for why people continue to make jokes about you or be mean to you, maybe it's just how they are. Maybe they are just cruel people. Maybe they're just bullies. Some people are like that: the only way they can feel good about themselves is to put other people down. Someone's weight problem is an obvious target, but really it's not about the weight. You might never know why they are that way, but you don't have to get drawn into their mind games.
Just hold your head high, in the knowledge that you are better than them. Not because you're the slim one now, but because you don't feel the need to be cruel to others. Keep doing what you're doing, be proud of yourself, and draw support from the people around you that are actually being supportive. :flowerforyou:0 -
First off, I would say this is nothing to do with you, and I would try very hard not to let it get to you. You have been very successful and should be really proud of yourself!
Families are weird. People say things to their close relatives that they wouldn't dream of saying to other people. I was a bit confused by your post - did your grandma continue to make fat jokes/mean remarks to you after you've lost the weight, or was it that she just hasn't mentioned it? With regards to your uncle, he may not have mentioned it because it makes him feel insecure about his weight. Maybe he's jealous. Maybe seeing your success makes him feel inadequate because he feels unable to do the same. Maybe he's embarrassed about the comments he made in the past. Maybe he just doesn't know how to relate to you if not through fat jokes.
As for why people continue to make jokes about you or be mean to you, maybe it's just how they are. Maybe they are just cruel people. Maybe they're just bullies. Some people are like that: the only way they can feel good about themselves is to put other people down. Someone's weight problem is an obvious target, but really it's not about the weight. You might never know why they are that way, but you don't have to get drawn into their mind games.
Just hold your head high, in the knowledge that you are better than them. Not because you're the slim one now, but because you don't feel the need to be cruel to others. Keep doing what you're doing, be proud of yourself, and draw support from the people around you that are actually being supportive. :flowerforyou:
No, my grandma has mentioned how skinny I am now, but she still makes me the butt of her jokes, although they are not about being fat anymore.0 -
I think that part of it has to do with the fact that you are getting healthier in spite of having so many challenges in your life (ok, I peeked at your bio and I have to say you rock). You are taking care of YOU, and others--even family members and neighbors--might feel a little threatened because you are doing something that they can't/don't want to. Another possible take: perhaps the fat jokes in the past came as a way for others to establish their authority over you or some other relational boundary, and now that you are healthier and thinner it's possible that they do not know how to relate the same way. I have some people in my life that I have stopped expecting any sort of support from--they are extremely competitive people and I don't spend any emotional energy on them anymore.
I agree that you should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself. So amazing and strong!0 -
Dang,
I can understand your uncle making fun but granny?
I had a co-worker who is a personal trainer outside of work, roll her eyes after looking at me.
I guess my weight disgusts her.
Another co-worker asked if I was losing weight before I even started to lose weight. She said I was shaped like a box. (I just ignored her).
Just keep doing your thing, keep losing weight and be healthy.0 -
Just hold your head high, in the knowledge that you are better than them. Not because you're the slim one now, but because you don't feel the need to be cruel to others. Keep doing what you're doing, be proud of yourself, and draw support from the people around you that are actually being supportive. :flowerforyou:
Well said! I think Grandma and Uncle just need to pick on someone ... anyone. That's just who they are.0 -
No. When I was losing wait everyone was super helpful and nice about it.
That grandma sounds like a cold hearted b****.0 -
It seems to me that they are projecting their dislike of themselves for how they look onto you.0
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they dont see your dream girl. i hope it goes well. here is a song that pumps me up.
http://youtu.be/mV6LsR2jCjs 0 -
Sounds like your family is just unpleasant in general. The good thing is you aren't doing this for them, so it doesn't matter if they notice or not.
If I were you I would expose myself to them as little as possible. They sound like toxic people who want to do nothing but tear you down.
Good luck.0 -
If they didn't make fat jokes, they were acknowledging it.
That said, nobody in my family has commented on my weight loss, though they have plenty to say about my food choices. It does hurt, I guess, but it isn't something I'm doing for them. I suggest you stop trying to understand them and do what I do: deal.0 -
I have experienced this. What you have to understand is that people that "hate" on you or try to make you feel bad usually have insecurity issues. You are doing what is needed to keep yourself happy and healthy enought to raise your son (I am the caregiver to my nephew who is austistic and semi-verbal, as well). Please do not let detractors, even those related to you impede you from reaching your goals. In addition, I will add that in African-American communities we tend to make jokes about our shortcomings. It is a bit of a cultural thing. However, if you do not find this amusing or if you feel that it is malevolent in nature, I would point it out and ask that it be stopped. I know that it is difficult to tell this to your grandmother, as you are trying to remain respectful, but you have the right to have supportive people around you. You may have to refrain from seeing her and the rest of your family that are are making these remarks as much. We need to start speaking in the positive rather than the negative. You deserve to be the best you you can be, regardless of what others say and think. Just my 2 cents...0
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Why is my grandma and uncle so hateful about the fact that I was fat and now that I am no longer looking fat, they make jokes about something else on me. Mind you, there are other fat people in our family, but I am the "target" for whatever reason.
Do you still think this about your weight? Come on! Mean people are mean. You could be on the cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and they would probably hate on you because you were a chump to pose for pictures in Jamaica instead of Tahiti.0 -
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I don't have any good advice to offer, as I've never been in that position.
I've never tolerated that kind of treatment from people, least of all from family (and they know it). I'm a shy person, but some how I learned to project "don't **** with me". I don't know how to teach you to do that, but I hope you find it.0 -
The only people that can get away with making jokes about me consistently is family, it's a little bit like having buddies who give you good-natured ribbing. I would not tolerate total strangers making fun of me, because I don't believe they do it in good faith.
Having said that, if you can't handle the jokes, then you have the right to tell them to stop. If they really do care about you, they would acknowledge that it's a sensitive subject that they shouldn't make fun of.
Better yet, keep dieting and working out until you have the body of Halle Berry. Let's see them make fat jokes about it.0 -
I agree with this. If you have asked them to stop and they won't, limit the time you are around them. Yes, they are family but you don't need to stand there and take the insults. If you up and leave every time they make a joke or say something nasty, they will get the point that it is unacceptable. You are an adult and set the standard for how people can treat you.
If I were you I would expose myself to them as little as possible. They sound like toxic people who want to do nothing but tear you down.
As for your neighbor not recognizing your (awesome!) accomplishments, it might just be awkward for her to say something, not that she hasn't noticed.0 -
Wah.. wah.. do you really need your neighbor to acknowledge your weight loss? It's not like you got fat because of her, and you're doing her a favor by losing it.
Anyways, that was not the point, but whatever makes you feel better.0 -
I have experienced this. What you have to understand is that people that "hate" on you or try to make you feel bad usually have insecurity issues. You are doing what is needed to keep yourself happy and healthy enought to raise your son (I am the caregiver to my nephew who is austistic and semi-verbal, as well). Please do not let detractors, even those related to you impede you from reaching your goals. In addition, I will add that in African-American communities we tend to make jokes about our shortcomings. It is a bit of a cultural thing. However, if you do not find this amusing or if you feel that it is malevolent in nature, I would point it out and ask that it be stopped. I know that it is difficult to tell this to your grandmother, as you are trying to remain respectful, but you have the right to have supportive people around you. You may have to refrain from seeing her and the rest of your family that are are making these remarks as much. We need to start speaking in the positive rather than the negative. You deserve to be the best you you can be, regardless of what others say and think. Just my 2 cents...
Girl, I agree with you 100.0 -
The only people that can get away with making jokes about me consistently is family, it's a little bit like having buddies who give you good-natured ribbing. I would not tolerate total strangers making fun of me, because I don't believe they do it in good faith.
Having said that, if you can't handle the jokes, then you have the right to tell them to stop. If they really do care about you, they would acknowledge that it's a sensitive subject that they shouldn't make fun of.
Better yet, keep dieting and working out until you have the body of Halle Berry. Let's see them make fat jokes about it.
I agree, but my grandma thinks that she can do as she pleases, as she has no one to "check her" on her ways being the matriarch and all. They know that I do not like the jokes and I have already told them this, but they keep on doing it. Then when I say something about them after being fed up with their behaviors, they are ready to fight.0 -
I agree with this. If you have asked them to stop and they won't, limit the time you are around them. Yes, they are family but you don't need to stand there and take the insults. If you up and leave every time they make a joke or say something nasty, they will get the point that it is unacceptable. You are an adult and set the standard for how people can treat you.
If I were you I would expose myself to them as little as possible. They sound like toxic people who want to do nothing but tear you down.
As for your neighbor not recognizing your (awesome!) accomplishments, it might just be awkward for her to say something, not that she hasn't noticed.
Thank you, this is a good point. In the past, I did stay away from my grandma and my uncle (they live together) for 6 months because he was talking crazy to me. Then she had the nerve to ask me why did I stay away for so long, when it was him not her that was talking crazy. So, I know that if I have to limit the exposure, I will definitely do so.0 -
I think that part of it has to do with the fact that you are getting healthier in spite of having so many challenges in your life (ok, I peeked at your bio and I have to say you rock). You are taking care of YOU, and others--even family members and neighbors--might feel a little threatened because you are doing something that they can't/don't want to. Another possible take: perhaps the fat jokes in the past came as a way for others to establish their authority over you or some other relational boundary, and now that you are healthier and thinner it's possible that they do not know how to relate the same way. I have some people in my life that I have stopped expecting any sort of support from--they are extremely competitive people and I don't spend any emotional energy on them anymore.
I agree that you should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself. So amazing and strong!
Thank you, I appreciate this! Sometimes, I tend to doubt myself, it feels good to hear this from time to time.0 -
they dont see your dream girl. i hope it goes well. here is a song that pumps me up.http://youtu.be/mV6LsR2jCjs
Thanks for the song, it was very inspirational! What you know about Marvin
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The only people that can get away with making jokes about me consistently is family, it's a little bit like having buddies who give you good-natured ribbing. I would not tolerate total strangers making fun of me, because I don't believe they do it in good faith.
Having said that, if you can't handle the jokes, then you have the right to tell them to stop. If they really do care about you, they would acknowledge that it's a sensitive subject that they shouldn't make fun of.
Better yet, keep dieting and working out until you have the body of Halle Berry. Let's see them make fat jokes about it.
I agree, but my grandma thinks that she can do as she pleases, as she has no one to "check her" on her ways being the matriarch and all. They know that I do not like the jokes and I have already told them this, but they keep on doing it. Then when I say something about them after being fed up with their behaviors, they are ready to fight.
Then perhaps it's time for a different method. There's a saying "don't get mad, get even". The next time they crack a joke on you that you don't like, crack a similar joke on them. Now that THEY are the fat ones instead of you, the fat jokes are more appropriate for them than for you. Let's see how they like the taste of their own medicine.
If you're a quick wit, this could actually be fun.0 -
You seem like an amazing person. It sounds like they wanted to point you out to make themselves feel better. Don't let them get to you. My family are all small,except for me. My Dad is currently the biggest he has ever been,and he's still like 60 pounds lighter than me. I struggle with my weight due to health issues. Like you, I was thin when I was younger. I used to be very active and fit. However,when I hit my 20's, the weight just kept piling on. My family was ecstatic that I was getting smaller,but would still make comments like, "If you could just lose 50 more pounds you would be so pretty." or "well your waist is small,but your thighs and hips are still big." All of their compliments came with an attached insult. Eventually, I felt lost,hopeless,and ugly...so I gave up. I gained all of the weight I had lost back,and then some. I recently decided I know exactly where I want my body to be,and if I am happy with it, then no other opinions matter. Don't stop believing in yourself. You are doing so great,and you're such an inspiring person. Tell them to stop being jealous and petty because you have enough issue to deal with. Keep going lady. 0
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my mother will still tell me I look like im 8 months pregnant... thanks ma...
ignore what your other family members tell you. take that hurt and disappointment you feel by them making fun of you and channel/use that energy in your workout routines. let them eat crow when youre all hot and trim and theyre not!0 -
1. people tease and joke for the reaction, and if they can't get a reaction, they will either move on to a new person or a new joke. keep your head up and keep your replies above board. occasionally my dad can fall into the "mean teasing" trap with me, and nothing takes the wind out of his sails faster than not getting a reaction from me.
2. don't get upset with people for not acknowledging your weight loss. they don't have to, and you shouldn't expect them to. and some people have been taught that it isn't polite to ask people about their weight, or maybe she thinks you already know how good you look.0 -
You seem like an amazing person. It sounds like they wanted to point you out to make themselves feel better. Don't let them get to you. My family are all small,except for me. My Dad is currently the biggest he has ever been,and he's still like 60 pounds lighter than me. I struggle with my weight due to health issues. Like you, I was thin when I was younger. I used to be very active and fit. However,when I hit my 20's, the weight just kept piling on. My family was ecstatic that I was getting smaller,but would still make comments like, "If you could just lose 50 more pounds you would be so pretty." or "well your waist is small,but your thighs and hips are still big." All of their compliments came with an attached insult. Eventually, I felt lost,hopeless,and ugly...so I gave up. I gained all of the weight I had lost back,and then some. I recently decided I know exactly where I want my body to be,and if I am happy with it, then no other opinions matter. Don't stop believing in yourself. You are doing so great,and you're such an inspiring person. Tell them to stop being jealous and petty because you have enough issue to deal with. Keep going lady.
Thank you!0 -
When people put others down, they are doing it to make themselves look or feel better and forget about their own shortfalls and insecurities. Don't let these people get you down, girl. You are doing great, feeling great and looking great - better than you have in a long time. These folks are straight up jealous.0
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1. people tease and joke for the reaction, and if they can't get a reaction, they will either move on to a new person or a new joke. keep your head up and keep your replies above board. occasionally my dad can fall into the "mean teasing" trap with me, and nothing takes the wind out of his sails faster than not getting a reaction from me.
2. don't get upset with people for not acknowledging your weight loss. they don't have to, and you shouldn't expect them to. and some people have been taught that it isn't polite to ask people about their weight, or maybe she thinks you already know how good you look.
I agree with number 2. One of my best friends used to be very big in high school when all of us were small. However, in college, she started losing weight and she looked absolutely fabulous!! I however didn't really feel comfortable commenting on her weight loss because I felt like I wanted her to know that I didn't care how much she weighed, I would always be her friend. Of course then I had kids before her and gained a bunch of weight and she was smaller than I was, lol!! I then realized it was important to congratulate her on her accomplishment. My point is, it may not be because your neighbor is trying to be mean or is jealous, she just may be ignorant to how to react to your weight loss. Just don't take it personal.
As far as the family stuff goes, that must be so hard and you should not have to put up with that!! Sounds like you may have to put distance between you and your family. I know that can be very hard, but it does sound like they are not very healthy, physically or mentally, and you have to separate yourself from that so you can get your mind and body right. Good luck to you girl!!0 -
1. people tease and joke for the reaction, and if they can't get a reaction, they will either move on to a new person or a new joke. keep your head up and keep your replies above board. occasionally my dad can fall into the "mean teasing" trap with me, and nothing takes the wind out of his sails faster than not getting a reaction from me.
2. don't get upset with people for not acknowledging your weight loss. they don't have to, and you shouldn't expect them to. and some people have been taught that it isn't polite to ask people about their weight, or maybe she thinks you already know how good you look.
I agree with number 2. One of my best friends used to be very big in high school when all of us were small. However, in college, she started losing weight and she looked absolutely fabulous!! I however didn't really feel comfortable commenting on her weight loss because I felt like I wanted her to know that I didn't care how much she weighed, I would always be her friend. Of course then I had kids before her and gained a bunch of weight and she was smaller than I was, lol!! I then realized it was important to congratulate her on her accomplishment. My point is, it may not be because your neighbor is trying to be mean or is jealous, she just may be ignorant to how to react to your weight loss. Just don't take it personal.
As far as the family stuff goes, that must be so hard and you should not have to put up with that!! Sounds like you may have to put distance between you and your family. I know that can be very hard, but it does sound like they are not very healthy, physically or mentally, and you have to separate yourself from that so you can get your mind and body right. Good luck to you girl!!
Well, I just thought she might have at least congratulated me considering that we were sort of close to each other. She is even in one of my pictures that is in my profile. So, I would think that after hearing me complain about how big I was all these years, that she would at least comment because I know she would have wanted me to say something to her if she were in my same shoes. But, I guess you are right about her. Thanks for the advice!0 -
This is not about you. It's about their own insecurities. I experienced the same thing from a close family member and my best friend has never congratulated me on losing the weight. Mind you, she was available every time I cried about being fat, but once I was motivated she went silent on me.I lost 45 pounds and she has not said a word! That is just how some people are. Please don't let it discourage you from continuing on your journey.
Another thing I learned is people may not say anything about your weight loss in the beginning, but sooner or later they'll be seeking you out for weight loss advice. Stay focused. Stay positive. Stay motivated. It will all work out.0
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