Spousal abuse from a male perspective

I've been in abusive relationships my entire life from my dad to my ex husband and the list goes on and on. I did seek therapy (a condition for moving back with my parents after being kicked out of a relationship 6 months pregnant) and it didn't help one bit. All they told me was that I had been abused and they were sorry I went through that and I needed to pick myself back up and set boundaries for certain people. They say talking about it helps, I say it depends on the person. Talking about it brings a whole slew of crap up to the surface that people are trying to shove away and move past and no matter if you talk about it or not it's always going to be in the back of your mind and you're going to have trigger points which will pull you back to that moment in time. It's been 3 years and I'm getting better but there are things that still happen where I either freak out because I'm alone and he's coming to get me or I'll just start crying. Best of luck on trying to help. My advice, just be there.

I know men who have been in abusive relationships in the fact that the relationship was very destructive (lots of fights loud enough cops were called, chic pulled a knife on the guy, etc...) but I don't know anyone who's sought therapy. sadly, most of the guys continue to find women that are just as psychotic instead of being attracted to someone more stable. same catch 22 as women who were abused as children who are drawn to domineering, abusive men.

You know what that is a good thought I bet these men were abused with domineering, abusive parents. I hadn't thought of that from the male perspective of course it's a continual trap.

I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

Thank you for sharing that. I'm glad you are getting help and that you and your husband are recovering from this situation.

One of my bestfriends was in a relationship for 7 years where it got to the point that she berated him and physically beat on him so bad that he legit slept in a closet. I'm not even kidding.

He is a physically strong and good man...and he would never defend himself. Never fight back in front of his kids...it happens all the time and it is sad that this topic is laughed at sometimes.

He is now in a good place...he spent years rebuilding his self esteem, building a support circle, and the two of them both have changed in many ways and reconciled in a way to be good parents.

I dated a guy last year that told me about the abuse he suffered with his ex. He never really talked about how it effected him emotionally, but I could see it. We are still friends, I like him a lot, and he still talks about the struggles he has about wanting to go back for his kids, but not wanting to go back. He doesn't have very good self esteem. :ohwell: And yes, it was physical abuse, he refused to hit her back in anyway.

They also tended to feel a lot of compassion for the abusive women-- feel sorry for them because they had "problems," or came from abusive families, "didn't know better," etc. For some reason, a lot of these guys were stabbed by their wives or girlfriends. That seemed to be a pattern with female abusers.

Once again of course! Don't women in abusive relationships also do this, "well his parents were abusive and he never learned how to handle his anger?" Whether man or woman it's better to believe your partner is somehow not culpable for the abuse because of the past. I bet it goes through the whole cycle of abuse too where you have the Honey moon phase and she promises to get help.

I've always wondered why some men are continual drawn to these crazy psychopath women, and it makes total sense to me now. If you could get these men to share you would probably see a pattern of abuse in their lives.

2..:noway: <~~~ THIS was my way of saying that this tread was possibly a bad decision.

Why? Would you rather have another thread about dating the person above you?? :grumble:

I'm really going to open myself up to criticism here but I think saying this out loud could give others who are suffering hope...

Hi everyone, I'm Pinkle and I'm a recovering abusive wife. I've struggled with intense feelings of rage for many years due to a personality disorder. I was physically and emotionally abusive towards my first husband and was also abusive towards my 2nd husband until a little over a year ago. We sought couples' counseling and I saw an individual counselor to help deal with this abuse in our relationship. After 2 years in couples' counseling (and 10+ years of individual therapy), I was finally able to learn to control my anger to the point of not allowing it to become physical anymore. My husband despised this physically abusive side of me and our relationship became more important to me than anything else when I saw that it had changed how he felt about talking to me, holding me and being intimate. Now we are working towards repairing the damage done by that abuse and we are slowly recovering the love that we shared in the beginning of our relationship. I am sure that I have changed my husband's life forever but I am also sure that he loves me unconditionally because he stuck with me when I felt like I had no control and he gave me hope that he'd still be there when I did find a way to control my abusive personality. I can't speak for him but I know that because we approached the problem together we came out of it together and face a new and better tomorrow every day.

Be gentle, it's not an easy thing to admit to... especially not in these forums! :laugh:

Thank you for sharing that. It takes a strong person to admit something so personal and open to criticism.

It was a really hard for me to finally admit that I'd been emotionally abusive in a few of my past relationships. And when I did and finally went to therapy, it was even harder realizing that a couple of my ex's didn't even want my apologies and couldn't emotionally handle even talking to me again. You are lucky to have a husband that loves you so. It's easy to blame the other person for pissing you off even though you know it's your own bull**** that's upsetting you. Relationships are complicated, especially for people with emotional issues. Good for you for seeking and accepting help!

I don't know much about the male abuse, so I can't say anything constructive about that.

I was, however, in an abusive relationship myself for 4 1/2 AWFUL years. He drank all the time, for days on end and beat me whenever and however he wanted. He held all the power because I lived with him, everything was in his name, he kicked me out constantly and at one point, I lived in my car with my cat at 20 yrs old.

We planned to move back home and had a big party and the next morning, he was still up and drinking. When he came into the bedroom and wanted some, he punched me awake then proceeded to smash my head against the wall when I refused. I tried to get away, he sat on me and began choking me....my last thought before I blacked out was that I should have left long ago because he was killing me....

A few mins later, I came to and he was in the corner of the room, knees drawn up to his chest as he rocked back and forth frantically...I'm pretty sure he thought he HAD killed me and was freaking out because he had finally gone too far. He stared at me in shock as I got up, left the room and locked myself in the bathroom until he left. I went to work, my co-workers nursed my wounds and the next day, I moved home and left his *kitten*, never to look back.

It was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life and I do have PTSD from it. But with a little counseling and a LOT of love from my friends and family, I have moved on, have an AMAZING husband and son and I am better now.

Have I forgotten it? No. Will I ever get over it? No. I still have nightmares at least once a week, but it used to be 5 nights a week, so I take it for what it is now.

It DOES get better and I hope your friend can get over the mental aspect of what he went thru. It's hard and that's what still gets me, but I am ALIVE and I almost wasn't after that horrific morning....

I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.

I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.

I'd like to believe that our society is not quite so narrow-minded at this point. Theoretically the cops should arrest her. Violence is violence.

i like being abused any takers LOL if a guy told me his wife abuses him id kick his *kitten*

And this is what being part of the problem looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

exactly....

i have a friend that is being abused. two weeks ago she got angry enough to throw a skillet at his head.

luckily he ducked, cause she threw it hard enough that the handle broke off when it hit the door. It also put a huge hole in the door.

Her abuse is becoming more and more public. So people know.

But he won't leave, because years of being told by HER that he's one big giant p@ssy has convinced him that if he even tries to admit he's abused then he really IS a *****....

funny though, I think he's one of the strongest men I know...the pure *kitten* he takes from her is amazing...you have to be made of steel to take all of that and still project a happy, successful man to your friends, your kids and everyone else.

I hope he finds the strength to leave someday.

The other problem with men who are abused, is that when children are involved they know that if they leave, (and the wives won't leave they just won't) then the odds of the courts awarding custody to the mom (even with documented abuse) is a higher probability than it SHOULD be...and they would rather stay and protect, than leave and risk the mom having alone time with the kids. At all.

it's a troubling problem.

I know... I'm actually a DV victim myself. I fled to a domestic violence shelter so therapy was provided for me, and like you said, it's different for men. Most men are already reluctant to get therapy when they need it, but its like admitting that being abused by a woman is a blow to their ego so they avoid therapy.

It's less ego, but more knowing that nobody will believe you or help out. All it takes for the woman to lie, and suddenly you're the abuser.

Let's say your wife does something like... throw a hammer at you. What do you? Call the cops? Hit back? Either way, you're in jail for the night. So you do nothing.

My husband called the cops on me twice, it's a huge wakeup call. I was never arrested, neither was he. Everything was settled peacefully in the end. This isn't how it would work for everyone though. My turnaround moment in my abuse was when my husband accidentally really hurt me trying defend himself. Up until that point I didn't realize how out of control I had become. I can remember exactly what happened and it's never happened again since that day.