Address the issue or let it die.
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1 - Let the comments go. You were with him for 4 years before you married him so you know what he is like, why are you expecting them now? He probably just expresses himself differently than you want him to.
2 - The food could easily be two reasons. If you have changed how you are cooking then you have changed how he is eating as well. He wants the old style of food. OR he could (subconsciously) be concerned that your new health and fitness look will cause him to lose you and he wants to prevent that because he loves you.0 -
In for the man bashing0
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I don't think I'm any more insecure than the average person/female. Like I said in the original post, I don't think I'm ugly (most days). Before we got married, I was accepting (most of the time) that he doesn't compliment...the parts that I'm trying to deal with is how easily he can compliment others (usually famous people) and how when he has a chance to say something nice (ie my weight loss) he chooses to take the time to say something negative. I know words like never and always are exaggeratory words, but I promise there has never been any time I've gotten a compliment or positive affirmation from him without me bringing it up and us fighting about it. At one time, I did point out to him using the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES book how much I do need words of encouragement to feel love. He thought it was hokey and/or silly and a fight ensued. I do compliment him, especially when he is nervous (like going to a job interview).
As far as changing the food we eat, I don't eat food that doesn't taste good. I cook many different things, and I just watch my portions (on a side note, he has made snorting noises on more than one occasion when he sees me pull out the scale to weigh stuff). I will try new things on occasion, but I try to get his okay for every meal before the food is bought and prepared.
I appreciate the posters who pointed out that maybe he thinks he will be out of my league if I keep losing weight...that is something I have not thought about before, and it actually makes a lot of sense.
I haven't said or showed (passive-aggressively or otherwise) my frustration/pain over these recent events because if I do address it, I don't want to fight about it. Based on past experiences I am afraid that is where it will go. I chose to share this problem on MFP because I don't have any RL family or friends on here, and this way I feel I can get some objective opinions without others in our life knowing any of this.0 -
He is obviously attracted to you otherwise I am sure he wouldn't have married you. In all honesty, I think you need to find your own self confidence rather than relying on your husband to make you feel beautiful
I know, everyone likes to hear a compliment once in a while, but if he knows you are waiting or expecting a compliment, he is probably resistant to giving you one.
My fiancé could definitely use some tune-ups in our relationship in many areas, and I'm sure he would say the same thing about me!! 0 -
I'm sorry you're so unhappy. It sounds like these are the same issues that come up time after time and still have no resolution. I recommend you consider couples councilling to enhance each others awareness of trigger issues and how to work around them and/or thru them. Perhaps he will finally understand how very deeply these issues affect you and you will come to more of an awareness of why they set you off so much. I hope you find your resolution and do not let these issues continue to roller-coaster your emotions and stress levels. Take care.0
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Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?0
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Sometimes guys don't really understand. Sometimes they do. But it's quite possible that:
1) He noticed Beyonce was A LOT more attractive than Jay Z and, blurted out his opinion on the matter;
2) He appreciates his wife's success with weight loss, but knows that initial losses are generally water-based. So he blurted out his opinion on the matter;
3) He noticed his wife was upset, and had no idea why, so he tried to be nice by buying her food - because he thinks food is great; and
4) He has no idea that anything he's doing is wrong.0 -
If you are able to let it go, then do so. If you aren't, then you need to talk to him.0
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Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?
Damn! Buuurrrnnn!! lol0 -
I kind of have to agree here...and am sad to see other people saying they've never gotten complimented by their spouses either.He's never told you you're beautiful in the eight years you've been together? Sounds kind of like you married an *kitten*. Talk to him, and like RML suggested, get counseling. I'd say maybe he doesn't understand how much it means to you, but if you end up in tears on a frequent basis, he's just a jerk. Or maybe he thinks he has to keep your confidence down or you'll leave him (if that's the case, he's pretty horrible).
It really should go both ways too...I've been with my husband 7 years, and even though guys certainly don't need to hear 'you're beautiful", I make a point to notice/compliment a haircut, or tell him when he looks good in somehting he's wearing. A lot of people let those little thing get away from them in a marriage, but a compliment here and there can go a long way. I think its imporant to know that your S.O. finds you attractive still...
OP, maybe you could try throwing him a compliment when he looks nice and see if that helps him open up more?0 -
I think I sometimes forget that guys have insecurities too. I do find my boyfriend extremely attractive, but I guess you could say he's a little on the dorky side. Husband material in my opinion, which is important to me at age 35 moreso than superficial qualities. Am I right ladies? Anyway, I noticed a while back that my he was always making comments suggesting that he couldn't understand why I chose to date him, what did I see in him, stuff like that. So I started just making a point of telling him how sexy he is, buying lots of lingerie to wear for him and mentioning here and there examples of all of his other qualities that make me want to be with him. He's actually gotten a little bit cocky over the past few months, lol, but he's still a sweetheart, so my tactics obviously worked. My point is that although your husband should definitely get it together, maybe he is feeling a little insecure as well.0
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Do you ever compliment your husband? Do special things for him? Have you talked to him about wanting to lose weight and why? Men need things spelled out, they can't read our minds.........0
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Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?
When you put it that way - both.0 -
I think the Beyonce comment was insensitive to your feelings but have no marital advice since I am on my second marriage. I will say that my first husband was like that and my new husband is nothing at all like that. He is kind, mature, and understands my feelings. He high fives me after a run and always says good job. When I tell him the progress I am making he always says "you are doing it!"
I will say that bringing home McDonald's is sabotage plane and simple. Seems like family members do this pretty often. I think they don't like change. When you change it makes the people you live with uncomfortable. But that doesn't have to stop you. Press forward and stay strong. Do it for you, not for his approval.
Pinkpatron has some good solid advice. I agree with her completely.0 -
I kind of have to agree here...and am sad to see other people saying they've never gotten complimented by their spouses either.He's never told you you're beautiful in the eight years you've been together? Sounds kind of like you married an *kitten*. Talk to him, and like RML suggested, get counseling. I'd say maybe he doesn't understand how much it means to you, but if you end up in tears on a frequent basis, he's just a jerk. Or maybe he thinks he has to keep your confidence down or you'll leave him (if that's the case, he's pretty horrible).
It really should go both ways too...I've been with my husband 7 years, and even though guys certainly don't need to hear 'you're beautiful", I make a point to notice/compliment a haircut, or tell him when he looks good in somehting he's wearing. A lot of people let those little thing get away from them in a marriage, but a compliment here and there can go a long way. I think its imporant to know that your S.O. finds you attractive still...
OP, maybe you could try throwing him a compliment when he looks nice and see if that helps him open up more?
Just for clarification - I do compliment him on haircuts and when he dresses up (when he brought food in the last couple of times I thanked him and told him it was nice - no more or less was said)...its not an every day thing. I quit complementing him on the occasions when we both dress up for events because it was not reciprocated (not even with a "you too") and that would just leave me mad0 -
You said you dont want to fight about this, and in other past conversations of similar vein, you fight, so I recommend that you let this go. You married him knowing that he was not a smooth, complimenting guy so you have to deal with the hand you played.
But you do need to have a conversation about the food.
My guy snickers or rolls his eyes when I weight my food and I just tell him to buzz off. He can eat what he wants and I eat the way I want. If he does not like what I cook or how I cook it, he can eat what ever he wants. I dont harp on him about he food and he has gradually quit making comments about mine.
I have been at this for a year but seriously for the past 2 months and now he is seeing the changes. He has always complimented me but now he has decided that he wants to start following a similar plan so he can lose weight also.0 -
Sometimes guys don't really understand. Sometimes they do. But it's quite possible that:
1) He noticed Beyonce was A LOT more attractive than Jay Z and, blurted out his opinion on the matter;
2) He appreciates his wife's success with weight loss, but knows that initial losses are generally water-based. So he blurted out his opinion on the matter;
3) He noticed his wife was upset, and had no idea why, so he tried to be nice by buying her food - because he thinks food is great; and
4) He has no idea that anything he's doing is wrong.
Just for clarification - on point #3 I haven't acted upset in front of him over this and he brought the two meals home before he made his comments (he brought them home after I told him my weight loss amount).0 -
that sucks....:frown:Just for clarification - I do compliment him on haircuts and when he dresses up (when he brought food in the last couple of times I thanked him and told him it was nice - no more or less was said)...its not an every day thing. I quit complementing him on the occasions when we both dress up for events because it was not reciprocated (not even with a "you too") and that would just leave me mad
You should definitely address the issue with him (about the complimenting AND the food). If you don't, its just going to fester and make you more angry and resentful.... As others said, he obviously doesn't think you're unattractive or he wouldn't have married you, but he should know that it would mean a lot to you if he complimented you once in a while. The food thing may or may not be sabotage (he might just be clueless about that), but if you don't speak up, he isn't going to know whats bothering you..
Good luck!0 -
Seems to me, if what you say is true, that the Beyoncé comment was actually his way of voicing that if you are successful with changing your body and looks, he's afraid he'll be out of YOUR league. It would also explain why he's bringing home your favourite food. Perhaps he's afraid your change for the better will leave him in your dust.0
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You said you dont want to fight about this, and in other past conversations of similar vein, you fight, so I recommend that you let this go. You married him knowing that he was not a smooth, complimenting guy so you have to deal with the hand you played.
But you do need to have a conversation about the food.
My guy snickers or rolls his eyes when I weight my food and I just tell him to buzz off. He can eat what he wants and I eat the way I want. If he does not like what I cook or how I cook it, he can eat what ever he wants. I dont harp on him about he food and he has gradually quit making comments about mine.
I have been at this for a year but seriously for the past 2 months and now he is seeing the changes. He has always complimented me but now he has decided that he wants to start following a similar plan so he can lose weight also.
I am glad your SO is following your example...that's awesome. I am hoping that will happen in my situation, but I have my doubts. Every time I go for a walk around the neighborhood, I ask if he would like to go...he says no. It's no problem for me, the dogs and I take off and go. When I joined the Y, I asked him if he wanted me to include him or not...his words were "that's your thing". I would love, love, love it if he would join me in doing active things, but I don't push it. I am getting healthy for me, not for anyone else. I've been sick for the last several years, and I refuse to let the cancer keep me from being able to do things that are still in my control like take a walk.0 -
I have to chime in here because I have a very supportive husband AND he does similar things as your husband.
I just switched my diet to be mostly raw plant-based foods and last night he got pizza for dinner last night. My FAVORITE pizza. This is his favorite too, so I don't believe he is trying to hurt my weight loss efforts, but I do resent it nonetheless. This is just how he is, he loves food and doesn't have a weight problem so I can't expect him to eat the way I do.
I rarely receive compliments on my appearance, and if I do it is because I have spent a lot of time and effort and usually its a "you look nice". He just isn't really excitable. He will NEVER say something like, "Oh my god, you are so beautiful!" Even when I reach my goals. If I complain about my boobs changing because of having our son, he says, " your boobs are fine". Yeah, um, FINE is for hair, not boobs.
It is possible that your man doesn't want you to succeed. If you want to continue in this relationship and that is the case I would seek marriage counseling, not an online forum.0 -
Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?
When you put it that way - both.
Resolve the insecurity issue and there won't be a lack of support issue. Because you won't need his support to validate your self worth, beauty, accomplishments or abilities.0 -
He doesn't understand why "beautiful women downgrade themselves" to go out with guys who "aren't in their ballpark"...
Maybe he's afraid that if you continue with your fitness, he'll be inadequate and you'll leave him
Don't forget, guys are as twisted up emotionally on the inside as the girls are - just tell him that you guys need to have a serious, open, honest talk. Worst case scenario, involve a counselor for a session or two, because these suspicions are going to begin eroding your relationship, even if they own up to nothing.
Step 1: admit to him that you're uncertain what's going on, and that it's making you sad/uncomfortable/miserable, and that you're beginning to doubt your relationship because of it.
^^^This! If he's also over weight he might find your new lifestyle threatening to his self-esteem. Definitely address this issue. Its better to handle it now than to let it build up and EXPLODE later.0 -
I'm sorry you're so unhappy. It sounds like these are the same issues that come up time after time and still have no resolution. I recommend you consider couples councilling to enhance each others awareness of trigger issues and how to work around them and/or thru them. Perhaps he will finally understand how very deeply these issues affect you and you will come to more of an awareness of why they set you off so much. I hope you find your resolution and do not let these issues continue to roller-coaster your emotions and stress levels. Take care.
I did ask for counseling when I felt like we were getting no where every time this subject and a few other unrelated subjects came up...and as a condition to getting married we went to pre-marital counseling. I liked that counselor so much that I continue to see her regularly for other things. He thinks counseling is dumb (at least for him), and he refused to do any of the outside exercises that were suggested. There was a class offered at our old church based on the book HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, and he refused to go. I went for 4 weeks, but stopped because I was the only person in there without my spouse (embarrassing, but I am willing to try almost anything to improve myself - I just told them he had to work some Sundays - which was true). He does have several good qualities about him that I do appreciate and acknowledge, otherwise I wouldn't have married him too. I know other couples on here have gone through this and similar problems because I have read their posts.0 -
This board is interesting.I don't remember the last time I told my hubby he's handsome...not because I don't think he is....but because I believe he already knows...My husband doesn't tell me I'm beautiful everyday...if he did it would be over kill and it wouldn't mean anything to me.However,I was annoyed when he didn't notice I was losing weight but in speaking to him it was obvious he wasn't concerned about my weight so he wasn't really paying attention to that detail.He stance is lose whatever you want to lose...just not the junk in the trunk...lol0
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It's insecure to like your SO to compliment you every now and then? Really?Which issue are you speaking of? His lack of support or your insecurity?0 -
I say address the issue. Clearly it bothers you, and you shouldn't have to suffer in silence like everything is ok when it's not, just to avoid a fight.0
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Just thinking, apparently he was telling you his idea of "beautiful". I know it hurt, but if he makes comments like that again, or else you could bring it up but then you say "What do you feel is beautiful about her? not in a catty way, but like an inquiry.. Then he might surprise you even. Lets say he says her dress is beautiful. Well then if you wanted to, you could find a dress like that and wear it, and he will see you as beautiful. Yes i know he ought to tell you already, but i would look at it as a piece of information that leaked out unintentially, and that is a clue to what he is thinking is a beautiful thing in a person. I mean use it to your advantage.
Now, you could also use that comment as a discussion and say like "Hey hubby, yeah Beyonce is beautiful, hey I'd like to be beautiful like that too.. I'd like to know what you feel is beautiful about me... or hey since her dress is so beautiful, how about we go shopping so that I can look like that too.
So use that to your advantage and discussion and maybe you would be surprised. You might find its just a comment about an observation in general, nothing personal AGAINST you, just a comment like you would say if you were passing by a beautiful park or something.0 -
In for the man bashing
not me! I think he is just being an average guy who happens to say comments like that. I think guys are physical and they react to things like that. Women seem to need more emotional support and sometimes the twain gets mixed up and offended inadvertently.0 -
Every time I go for a walk around the neighborhood, I ask if he would like to go...he says no. It's no problem for me, the dogs and I take off and go. When I joined the Y, I asked him if he wanted me to include him or not...his words were "that's your thing". I would love, love, love it if he would join me in doing active things, but I don't push it.
I've read most of the responses on here. In the long run I think the only way you're going to work things out is to talk to your husband directly, but do it without any anger or fighting.
As to the quote above: I think it's sweet that you want to include your husband in your activities..I have done the same thing with mine and gotten little success. I used to ask all the time, to the point that I was extremely predictable. Then I quit asking. After a while, he would say, "where are you going?" I would tell him I was going on a walk and then my husband would put on his shoes and come with. He doesn't do it all the time, but when he does it's nice.
Part of the reason my husband doesn't do much exercise with me is because he wants me to have my space and my time to myself. It took me a while to understand that, but now I realize that he sees my exercise time as healing for me. I really respect that in him. Now this is my husband, I don't know yours or what he is like. The only way you'll know is if you ask.
I will also tell you that my husband is not big on compliments, and I have accepted that. He shows me his love in other ways, and yes I do remind him on the odd occasion that it would be nice to get a compliment from him more often. We talked about it a while ago and I realized that my former insecurities and pushing for him to compliment me only made him want to compliment me less. Now when I hear a compliment - it has all the more special meaning because I know that he's not just saying it to say it.
When both of you are calm and there is no tension or reason to have a fight - tell your husband how you feel but first - ask him how he feels. He's going through changes while you are, and maybe he feels that he needs a voice. I doubt that he intended any harm by taking you to McDonald's for lunch - my husband is always wanting ice cream, but t hat's because its his favorite summer snack. He offers me all the time, and I know its just because he's trying to be nice. Enjoy that he wanted to have lunch with you and maybe next time ask him if he would mind a lower-calorie place - or go for the salad instead.
Talk to your honey, hear what he has to say and take his word as truth. Tell him how you feel and then leave it alone from there. He will listen to you and hear you. You may not get the results you want but at least you'll know where you both stand.0
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