Spousal abuse from a male perspective
Replies
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I have permission from my husband to speak about his former relationship. He was a victim of domestic violence from his former wife. She was a violent alcoholic. He went through hell. He has come a very long way in healing from that crap.
I was also a Domestic Violence advocate for 7 1/2 years. It's difficult for men to admit this kind of abuse. The stigma is awful.0 -
I have permission from my husband to speak about his former relationship. He was a victim of domestic violence from his former wife. She was a violent alcoholic. He went through hell. He has come a very long way in healing from that crap.
I was also a Domestic Violence advocate for 7 1/2 years. It's difficult for men to admit this kind of abuse. The stigma is awful.
My friend is deeply scarred. How can I help him overcome his past because presently it dictates his future?0 -
My honest advice is to get professional help, but I know convincing him to go is a battle in and of itself. Maybe you can convince him that at least he needs somebody to talk to, and the best person who can listen with all ears is a counsellor.I have permission from my husband to speak about his former relationship. He was a victim of domestic violence from his former wife. She was a violent alcoholic. He went through hell. He has come a very long way in healing from that crap.
I was also a Domestic Violence advocate for 7 1/2 years. It's difficult for men to admit this kind of abuse. The stigma is awful.
My friend is deeply scarred. How can I help him overcome his past because presently it dictates his future?0 -
I think a couple of things would help him, unsure how much you as a friend could do.
1) trust - he needs to see lots & lots of evidence of the existence of nice women, and healthy couples, because I'm pretty sure he's going to be feeling cynical for a while - everything will be filtered through his experience (like everyone). Tricky because he'll see what he wants to see in any case. which is why 2) is helpful
2) examining the patterns that characterized this relationship, and the nature of his staying in it. Therapy, books.
(It's tough, because, at least in terms of funded organizations, the kind of DV that's emphasized is the "male = stalker/jealous obsessive". It's slanted that way for good reasons (lots of women have ended up dead because of men like that). But it ignores the subtler dynamics. I think DV is much more prevalent than people imagine. Lots of times, especially with young couples, it's just a bad match of immature individuals with poor emotional regulation, and poor coping methods [sometimes alcohol, drugs] who press each other's buttons, and get locked into a pattern of escalation. Can be more or less mutual/one-sided. I don't see a lot about that in popular culture, or in the support available to people who've been abused. And, there are a lot of terrible counsellors out there, who either unwittingly perpetuate abuse, by missing signs of manipulation, or just miss whole strands of things altogether, or stir the pot and fail to give couples the tools to settle it down again.)
That said, if he suffers from too much compassion, and a desire to be helpful, as someone noted above, books on codependency (may be dated but still useful) and attachment theory could offer something for him.
And, just, lots of TLC from friends and family, and distracting activities too. Follow his cues if poss, vs imposing your view of what should happen now0 -
I have a rule now. The first time she damages an inanimate object while verbally abusing me, it's too late and it's OVER.0
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Abuse is abuse. It's unacceptable to direct it at either gender. Punch a wall if you have to.0
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Abuse is abuse. It's unacceptable to direct it at either gender. Punch a wall if you have to.
Agreed, to a point. In my opinion, it would be better to learn nonviolent methods of defusing situations and communicating to mitigate such negative emotions from becoming overwhelming.0 -
First a question, and then an anecdote.
1) What advice do you all have for a male victim of emotional/verbal abuse that hasn't (yet) turned physical? She's probably (undiagnosed) bi-polar and he essentially only stays out of a sense of duty (young kids and he's been the sole earner for more than a decade).
2) One of my nephews was a victim of a verbally and physically abusive wife. It came to a head when was holding their toddler and she tried to stab him with a knife. She missed him and slashed the baby's leg. He bust a gasket, grabbed her wielding hand and stabbed her. It was a mild flesh wound but bled profusely. When the police showed up, they saw the baby's leg was cut and that she (now ex-wife) was still holding the knife. Care to guess who was arrested? Yup, him! Even though she acknowledged that she had the knife the whole time AND that she "accidentally" cut the baby, HE was the one to be arrested because he didn't have any wounds! He story of self-defense should've been bolstered by the fact that her fingerprints were the only ones found on the knife, but HE ended up with the felony record and had to serve a couple of years total. When he got out, he was granted SOLE AND COMPLETE custody of their child in the divorce! She was NEVER arrested for cutting the baby and never served a day in jail. <extreme sarcasm alert> Gee, could this be a reason why guys rarely report such abuse?!0 -
My friend is deeply scarred. How can I help him overcome his past because presently it dictates his future?
You can always contact the Domestic Violence hotline or local Domestic Vioence non-profit agency and ask for advice. It's free. I'm sorry for your friends and for you. My heart goes out to you both. They can give you advice on how to support your friend. Your friend needs to get his power back.....self-esteem...ya know? There is no excuse for Domestic Violence....ever.0 -
First a question, and then an anecdote.
1) What advice do you all have for a male victim of emotional/verbal abuse that hasn't (yet) turned physical? She's probably (undiagnosed) bi-polar and he essentially only stays out of a sense of duty (young kids and he's been the sole earner for more than a decade).
2) One of my nephews was a victim of a verbally and physically abusive wife. It came to a head when was holding their toddler and she tried to stab him with a knife. She missed him and slashed the baby's leg. He bust a gasket, grabbed her wielding hand and stabbed her. It was a mild flesh wound but bled profusely. When the police showed up, they saw the baby's leg was cut and that she (now ex-wife) was still holding the knife. Care to guess who was arrested? Yup, him! Even though she acknowledged that she had the knife the whole time AND that she "accidentally" cut the baby, HE was the one to be arrested because he didn't have any wounds! He story of self-defense should've been bolstered by the fact that her fingerprints were the only ones found on the knife, but HE ended up with the felony record and had to serve a couple of years total. When he got out, he was granted SOLE AND COMPLETE custody of their child in the divorce! She was NEVER arrested for cutting the baby and never served a day in jail. <extreme sarcasm alert> Gee, could this be a reason why guys rarely report such abuse?!
Wait. He stabbed her with a knife right? Even if she's holding the knife, and it was an accident, still, he stabbed her with a knife.0 -
If researchers weren't ideologically driven (namely feminism) to portray domestic violence as a female issue; i.e. men beating women, men would get a fair shot when it comes to reporting DV.
When you consider things the Duluth model and legislation like VAWA, it's no wonder men are arrested and suspected by being the abuser when they are the victim. I have seen quite a few domestic violence sites and hotlines recommend males who were victims to programs that treat them as abusers.0 -
If researchers weren't ideologically driven (namely feminism) to portray domestic violence as a female issue; i.e. men beating women, men would get a fair shot when it comes to reporting DV.
When you consider things the Duluth model and legislation like VAWA, it's no wonder men are arrested and suspected by being the abuser when they are the victim. I have seen quite a few domestic violence sites and hotlines recommend males who were victims to programs that treat them as abusers.
Um, while I think the existing research misses out on a few things, it's definitely not just ideology that drove it. Men are generally physically stronger, and have historically exerted more economic power over women. & as mentioned, lots of women have *died* because of the kind of abuse that's been most closely looked at.0 -
Sounds like self defense as well as defense of the child to me.First a question, and then an anecdote.
1) What advice do you all have for a male victim of emotional/verbal abuse that hasn't (yet) turned physical? She's probably (undiagnosed) bi-polar and he essentially only stays out of a sense of duty (young kids and he's been the sole earner for more than a decade).
2) One of my nephews was a victim of a verbally and physically abusive wife. It came to a head when was holding their toddler and she tried to stab him with a knife. She missed him and slashed the baby's leg. He bust a gasket, grabbed her wielding hand and stabbed her. It was a mild flesh wound but bled profusely. When the police showed up, they saw the baby's leg was cut and that she (now ex-wife) was still holding the knife. Care to guess who was arrested? Yup, him! Even though she acknowledged that she had the knife the whole time AND that she "accidentally" cut the baby, HE was the one to be arrested because he didn't have any wounds! He story of self-defense should've been bolstered by the fact that her fingerprints were the only ones found on the knife, but HE ended up with the felony record and had to serve a couple of years total. When he got out, he was granted SOLE AND COMPLETE custody of their child in the divorce! She was NEVER arrested for cutting the baby and never served a day in jail. <extreme sarcasm alert> Gee, could this be a reason why guys rarely report such abuse?!
Wait. He stabbed her with a knife right? Even if she's holding the knife, and it was an accident, still, he stabbed her with a knife.0 -
I have a former colleague and friend that went through this. He was significantly bigger than his wife but refused to hit back. It culminated in her berating him and punching him in the face in the middle of a hotel lobby while on a trip to Vegas. They divorced shortly after that and he's now happily remarried. I'm just surprised he put up with it for as long as he did.
Yeah... similar story here... except this guy is struggling with it. I realize this kind of thing affects people in different ways, but how do you convince someone that they need help? Particularly a man...
Ya he just needs to talk to someone.
If he "just took it", instead of that making him feel emasculated it should be something to be proud of. That he could take abuse like that and not dish it back just for the sake of being the better person.
If he dished it back just as hard that could be a reason why he is struggling so much. In that case he needs to try and make peace with what he has done, and make changes in attitude so that he never acts like that again. Again talking to someone would help.0 -
My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!
Wow! You seem really angry, and not abusive AT ALL. Hope that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works out for you. They use that on borderlines, right?
Angry, yes. Abusive, no. There is a difference in not putting up with someone's **** and being abusive towards them. We've known each other for over 10 years.. it's not like my expectations for timeliness, safety and cleanliness were NEW concepts. So I tried "the nag" prospective.. no dice. I tried the "ignore him and he'll eventually get out of his funk" perspective.. no dice. I tried the 'hey, **** or get off the pot" perspective and he hit me.
My vernacular may be abrasive, but that is how 'we' rolled. Turned out he had a bigger vagina that I did, that's all. And my CBT has been great! Generally deals with anxiety and depression though, not first aid.
Also, WTF is 'borderlines'?0 -
Stoopid internet.. double post
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My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!
You...are a peach.
Question is- in this case- are peaches tasty or disgusting? o.0
I know my vernacular is abrasive, but I've got a heart of gold- srsly. Just thought it should be pointed out that some people are too sensitive (I can be!) and sometimes need to 'grow a pair'. That's all
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My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!
Wow! You seem really angry, and not abusive AT ALL. Hope that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works out for you. They use that on borderlines, right?
Angry, yes. Abusive, no. There is a difference in not putting up with someone's **** and being abusive towards them. We've known each other for over 10 years.. it's not like my expectations for timeliness, safety and cleanliness were NEW concepts. So I tried "the nag" prospective.. no dice. I tried the "ignore him and he'll eventually get out of his funk" perspective.. no dice. I tried the 'hey, **** or get off the pot" perspective and he hit me.
My vernacular may be abrasive, but that is how 'we' rolled. Turned out he had a bigger vagina that I did, that's all. And my BFT has been great! Generally deals with anxiety and depression though, not first aid.
Also, WTF is 'borderlines'?
Borderline Personality Disorder0 -
My soon to be ex husband claims he was abused mentally (by me of course) and while I admit I'm no walk in the park- the worst I ever 'lit into him' was when he did things to endanger our children or was a complete slack *kitten* on purpose. Family get together at noon with HIS family? He wakes up at 11 and takes a 30 minute poop, showers and plays on his iPad until we are sufficiently late. Yes, I nagged his *kitten* the entire way.
I believe mental and emotional abuse is a REAL thing- but in some cases the man OR woman is just being a selfish *kitten* and has a very closed perspective. Some people aren't ready for a commited relationship.. there are real struggles involved with living with someone. Don't commit until you KNOW and then stick with it.
All that being said.. as he continues to claim emotional abuse, I was the one sporting the bruises.. which proves how unclear some people really are.
I hope your friend gets help for his issues and the ones brought on by his relationship. I heavily advise Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's been a huge eye opener for me.
Hugs to him!
Wow! You seem really angry, and not abusive AT ALL. Hope that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works out for you. They use that on borderlines, right?
Angry, yes. Abusive, no. There is a difference in not putting up with someone's **** and being abusive towards them. We've known each other for over 10 years.. it's not like my expectations for timeliness, safety and cleanliness were NEW concepts. So I tried "the nag" prospective.. no dice. I tried the "ignore him and he'll eventually get out of his funk" perspective.. no dice. I tried the 'hey, **** or get off the pot" perspective and he hit me.
My vernacular may be abrasive, but that is how 'we' rolled. Turned out he had a bigger vagina that I did, that's all. And my BFT has been great! Generally deals with anxiety and depression though, not first aid.
Also, WTF is 'borderlines'?
Borderline Personality Disorder
Ah, thanks. Never heard of that one.. at least not on my chart
To the original poster- you're pretty snarky yourself... lol. Generalized Anxiety... no crazy sex sprees while driving too fast and beating people up in public because I was contemplating suicide.
Although CBT would prolly work great for BPD. Great call.0 -
Thought I would share this, as it DOES have to do with the woman abusing the man....this was my friend, Normie....I've known him my whole life, he was my first crush, my first boyfriend in 4th grade and was the first guy I ever danced with. We grew up in the same small town and it's been reeling since this happened.....
http://bangordailynews.com/2013/06/26/news/midcoast/waldoboro-woman-pleads-guilty-to-killing-boyfriend-over-impending-break-up/
Sad thing is he was trying to get out...and where is the justice in this result?
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If researchers weren't ideologically driven (namely feminism) to portray domestic violence as a female issue; i.e. men beating women, men would get a fair shot when it comes to reporting DV.
When you consider things the Duluth model and legislation like VAWA, it's no wonder men are arrested and suspected by being the abuser when they are the victim. I have seen quite a few domestic violence sites and hotlines recommend males who were victims to programs that treat them as abusers.
Um, while I think the existing research misses out on a few things, it's definitely not just ideology that drove it. Men are generally physically stronger, and have historically exerted more economic power over women. & as mentioned, lots of women have *died* because of the kind of abuse that's been most closely looked at.
It's really difficult to determine the true percentages of domestic violence homicide. When you consider domestic violence related suicide, and police bias (presumption of female innocence) that may write off a death as accidental when in fact it was a homicide. There are other blinders or factors also, so you may have many Jodi Arias' out there who are never detected.
The use of weapons, such as a knife (as seen earlier in comments) can compensate for physical strength. Moreover, Women's economic dependence on men has decreased greatly. since the mid-20th century (dissolution of traditional households) with the wage gap nearing equality and the explosion of single mother households. Both genders work these days to make ends meet, so economic dependence may be a better argument for the past.
Research does tend to show parity in intimate partner violence. Murray A. Strauss, a renowned researcher on intimate partner violence, wrote a paper on how biased research is on this subject.0 -
If researchers weren't ideologically driven (namely feminism) to portray domestic violence as a female issue; i.e. men beating women, men would get a fair shot when it comes to reporting DV.
When you consider things the Duluth model and legislation like VAWA, it's no wonder men are arrested and suspected by being the abuser when they are the victim. I have seen quite a few domestic violence sites and hotlines recommend males who were victims to programs that treat them as abusers.
Um, while I think the existing research misses out on a few things, it's definitely not just ideology that drove it. Men are generally physically stronger, and have historically exerted more economic power over women. & as mentioned, lots of women have *died* because of the kind of abuse that's been most closely looked at.
It's really difficult to determine the true percentages of domestic violence homicide. When you consider domestic violence related suicide, and police bias (presumption of female innocence) that may write off a death as accidental when in fact it was a homicide. There are other blinders or factors also, so you may have many Jodi Arias' out there who are never detected.
The use of weapons, such as a knife (as seen earlier in comments) can compensate for physical strength. Moreover, Women's economic dependence on men has decreased greatly. since the mid-20th century (dissolution of traditional households) with the wage gap nearing equality and the explosion of single mother households. Both genders work these days to make ends meet, so economic dependence may be a better argument for the past.
Research does tend to show parity in intimate partner violence. Murray A. Strauss, a renowned researcher on intimate partner violence, wrote a paper on how biased research is on this subject.
Well, those points are obviously worthy of discussion (though, I think it's highly unlikely that there are thousands of Jody Arias' who haven't been called out; re wage disparity - I did say the male advantage was largely historic, at least in Western countries; still true in developing ones), but frankly I'm short on time today, so, respectfully withdrawing from the thread.
edit: but yeah I've seen some of the stuff on IPV, agree it's under-emphasized, agree there is parity there0
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