I have serious problems with my mom

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  • Kai81109
    Kai81109 Posts: 52 Member
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    My mother does the same thing daily... lol. The best way to deal with it is picture yourself at your goal and know that when you reach it your gonna look way hotter and feel a lot healthier... It always makes me smile
  • postrockandcats
    postrockandcats Posts: 1,145 Member
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    If telling her to back off won't work, and it sounds like it won't, I'd cut off contact with her. This sounds quite toxic and abusive!
  • CarmenSRT
    CarmenSRT Posts: 843 Member
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    If she is more toxic than loving, distance yourself as much as you need to to be healthy. I had to do that. Sometimes you just need to cut slingload to save yourself.
  • gdrmuzak
    gdrmuzak Posts: 103 Member
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    Read the book BOUNDARIES by Henry Cloud and Townsend and start applying them to your life and interactions with her. Be prepared for a strong reaction because people who don't have boundaries and then are given boundaries and consequences for their behavior will howl even more about how you are mistreating them. In the end, they either learn through conversation and consequences or they don't get it and you will have taken control of what you can and the interactions with them and therefore, will be an emotionally healthy person.
  • Flab2fitfi
    Flab2fitfi Posts: 1,349 Member
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    I have a Mother like that - she is not and does not deserve to be my mum.

    I put up with her until i became a mum myself and knew i could not have her round my kids so I upped an moved 300 miles away.

    We talk occasionally on the phone - it will be good for a few months and then she will throw a hissy fit as she is not the centre of universe and we stop talking again. She makes all the calls as I've spent 35 years trying to get her to be my mum but no longer have the time or energy to indulge her.

    My sister moved over a year ago and I dont think she even knows which town she has moved to or has a phone number as my sister cant stand her.
  • juliegrey1
    juliegrey1 Posts: 202 Member
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    I feel for you I really do!I would love to be able to tell you to get a grip and stand up for yourself but then I would be a hypocrite,I was an only child and though my mum was a good woman she was also domineering,possessive and jealous,everything I ever did was criticized,from my choice of husband to the amount of children I had,when I left the house when I came back! we moved into our own house eventually and after 4 years she came to live with us,it was a bit better as I was on my own turf so to speak,she was with us 11 years and developed Alzheimer's I looked after her until 5 weeks before she passed!I dont regret doing this but what I do regret is not having told her xxxx off years ago and stop interfering in my life,guilt and a sense of duty stopped me,I was all she had and both of us knew it!!Dont fall into this trap I dont know your situation but from mine Id say put a bit of distance and make your own life! I am at 45 years old finally free!
  • ApisHeraldOfPtah
    ApisHeraldOfPtah Posts: 7
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    Your mother has left a hole in your heart that needs to be filled.

    You're cute; you should find a man who loves you but has a mean streak, so that the puzzle piece fits that hole.
  • Kiyalynn
    Kiyalynn Posts: 128 Member
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    Me and my mother argued alot too, she talked negatively about alot of things I did... And then I moved 1000 miles away. You'd be amazed how much nicer people get when they don't get to see you all the time. I would honestly put some distance between you and her. Then just call her occasionally if you want to have a relation ship with her. If she starts putting you down on the phone, hang up, She'll get the message or won't get to talk to you.
  • RoseDarrett
    RoseDarrett Posts: 355 Member
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    The good thing about being a grown child is you can get away. She has no power to stop you. If you choose to stay in contact with her,set very clear boundaries. Say no,in YOUR actions.

    Spend time with people who love you,do what makes you feel nourished and feeds your soul.

    You are special. Do not listen to what she says or pay any attention.

    Do not make her issues yours.

    Separate yourself from her. You are your own person.
    See all that is good in you. Re affirm all that is positive in your life.

    No one,not even her,has the right to make you feel less than whole.
    Good luck. Speaking from experience. I know it's harder than it looks.
  • faithdanyell
    faithdanyell Posts: 30 Member
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    Relationships of all kinds can be difficult and draining. I encourage you to act and think as an adult; you have the power to decide what things you will and will not except for your life. If there is something or someone that is not in alignment with what you want for your life it’s up to you to make changes. Those changes may be living in your own space, limit the amount of time spent with negative peoples, and putting up boundaries. Lastly if this struggle with your mom is more than you can handle seek outside support; it is up to you to get what you need in this life to be happy, healthy, and have peace of mind. Good Luck….and may positive energy reaches you today.
  • mperrott2205
    mperrott2205 Posts: 737 Member
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    Maybe she's just jealous that she isn't as beautiful as the girl she pushed out of her?
  • veganstein
    veganstein Posts: 33 Member
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    I cut off contact with my mother 3 years ago. Too many people say "But they are your family, you have to work it out." Some things are too hurtful to be worked out. She is not going to change who she is, and I am no longer willing to tolerate her behavior. If I would not accept hurtful behavior from a stranger or friend, why do I have to accept it from family?
    I am not angry at her, it is just not healthy for us to be in contact. And I am free...
  • dwalt15110
    dwalt15110 Posts: 246 Member
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    Sometimes it is necessary to turn the tables. My mother would criticize everything I did, said, wore etc. So one day every time she said something negative about what I was doing, I told her I learned from the best. She taught me everything I know. I told her she had me and she raised me. Where else would I have learned these things except from her. It took some time and discipline on my part to remember to say that, but soon she got the message. Now, obviously, there are things that I do that I picked up elsewhere. When I do one of those and we are with other people she will instantly retort that she didn't teach me that.
  • missyrawien
    missyrawien Posts: 37 Member
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    I've had problems with alot of negativity too from all sorts of people. They best thing I've found you can do is get out of the negative place. Just leave if you can, don't talk to the people who bring you down and try not to dwell. Don't rise to it, it's only what they want. Go find happier people to be around (: If you can take as much space as you can from your mum then when you do see each other it'll be a rare occasion and she will hopefully fill the time with good instead of bad.
  • Buff2022
    Buff2022 Posts: 373 Member
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    Perhaps you are exaggerating a little to yourself and on here, and maybe you don't want to cut her out completely. I would just greatly reduce the amount of contact you have with her until she straightens out her issues.

    This really irritates me. Why because I have a crazy mean mother. She has a good heart but damn she can just really make me so mad and sad. People would say it was not that bad. Well one day she called me cause my shoes..yes shoes were in the way and she could not get in the closet. I put her on speaker so my friend could hear. She could not believe the **** that came out of her mouth. It is not a joke. Some mothers are just down right ugly. Please don't belittle the OP.

    Just the other day my mother told me she wished she gave me up for adoption. I am 45 years old. Talk about BS. But I also reminded her that I am the one who will cut you to the core and not worry about what I say. I will no longer take her Emotional Abuse. I have learned to just get up and leave. I have learned that she is so unhappy in her life that she wants to make mine that way too.
  • ascends831
    ascends831 Posts: 17 Member
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    Set healthy boundaries and if she can't stop crossing them let her know you need to disconnect. It's crazy hard but if you don't do this you may find that you have a way of drawing people in that treat you poorly. As an adult it is our responsibility to surround ourselves with support and not recreate the dysfunction we grew out of. Also when you are pissed, sad, hurt go take a quick walk or move your body somehow. It is way more empowering than a poor food choice and afterwards you will be building the power to hold your boundaries and the people around you will catch on.

    Good luck to you.
  • bearkisses
    bearkisses Posts: 1,252 Member
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    ignorance is bliss. Just ignore the *****! She is going to drag you down. Plus, people are always killed by kindness.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
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    How old are you? Do you still live at home? And maybe look for a new psychiatrist. if you find you get more from a public forum than a professional...they probably aren't very good.
  • AJL437
    AJL437 Posts: 71 Member
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    I came a long way when I realized people can never be who we want them to be - they can only be who they are. I can't change someone else. All I can do is change me and how I react to others. If your mom chooses not to support you, that is really sad, but it is who she is. You can't change that. All you can do is focus on you. When she begins with the negative talk, maybe you can just push back your shoulders, look her in the eye and say, "It sounds like you have a lot of hurt and resentment about the way I have lived my life. I am moving forward. I would love if you joined me and supported me, but if you can't, I understand. You were the best mom you could be. I am now trying to be the person I can be. If you continue to talk negatively to me, I am just going to politely end the conversation, hang up or walk away." And then do it.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    Just be the better person. You know in your heart that you have improved your life. Don't let another person's negativity mold you into anything other than who you are. Even if she's right about anything, you are the one who has to want to change.

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