I have serious problems with my mom

My mother is toxic. I live almost 2 hours from her and see her only a few times a year. There has always been a lot of guilt involved when it comes to her-- what did I ever do wrong, why didn't she really love me ever, etc. etc. The best advice I ever got was to learn how to manage my expectations of people. I learned to understand her and accept her. This doesn't mean that I want to hang out with her often, because, as I said-- she is toxic. But I am now guilt-free about my feelings towards her and able to understand that how she acts and what she says really doesn't have a lot to do with me-- it's just how she is, and for various reasons. And I will never expect anything else. So I let go of all of those bad feelings and it is what it is. I'm so much happier now and not focused on her or our relationship.

Create distance, cut off communication, just don't talk to her for a while. She'll get the message, and if she doesn't just keep doing it until she does. I do this with my parents and it seems to work. At the very least, you get some peace and you stop stressing out about what they're going to say to you next.

I hate to say this, but I have absolutely no room whatsoever for negative people in my life. Especially when they will not only trash me to my face but to others also??? WTF?!

I guess the first question is, do you live with her? If not, then I'd cut her out of my life until she has sense enough to realize that you don't treat anyone this way. Especially your child.

Not to sound mean, but does she have a mental issue? Drug or alcohol issue? I'm just asking because I have obviously heard of parents being this way with their kids, but I've never seen it first hand. It seems like it's driven by something.

Either way, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, and I wish you good luck!

Boy, you and I must have the same mother. We live 2 hours from my parents and siblings. Sometimes the distance is a real blessing!!! I could really tell stories, and sometimes I don't think 2 hours is far enough away.

I was just having this conversation with someone this morning how this friend her husband's is toxic, but "they've been friends for 12 years." The thing is, toxic people are NOT the people you need to be around (especially if you're trying to lose weight) - even if the toxic people are your parents.

My suggestion would be to put some distance between you and her. I don't know if you're living with her still, but find a way or develop an action plan to move out as soon as possible. If you're already out, then absolutely LIMIT the time you spend talking to her or being around her. If she questions it, you can be honest with her and tell her you don't like the way she's hyper-critical of you all the time....that you just want her to love you and be the mom - and when/if that changes, you'll spend more time with her and talk to her more.

I started reading a book called "The Happiness Trap", and it has helped me so much. I've spent much of my life shaping my decisions and actions by how I believe other people would perceive me. This book has taught me how to accept the things that I can't change, like my emotions and how people react to the things I say or do. You don't have to like what people say or think of you, but you can step back and determine whether their opinion is helpful or not, before you let it get under your skin. It's not an easy process, but it's one worth working toward. I'd have to say that your mom sounds like she's projecting her own issues about herself onto you. It's not fair. Nor is it right. However, if she's been like this your entire life, I doubt she's capable of the change that you need to see from her. Learning how to accept her for who she is, and to not let her anger become a part of you is the most important step you can probably take.

Good luck!

My mother is a little bit of the same way. She was definitely the reason why I was fat as a child, but I turned my life around at 12, joined cross country came out of my shell took up a job caring for horses, ect. But my fiance and I were forced to move in with her. She takes "care" of my grandfather and adult protective services came to "evaluate" his living conditions. My mother is a hoarder. I grew up with it. She also has some mental issues as well ss diabetes she doesnt take care of. We have since moved in, cleaned everything and Im just keeping it that way so everyone can stay where they are. Its definitely a hard road. She has made comments about my weight ( even though she is bigger than me) right after I had my first child. Bashes the way I raise my kids ( because I put them in time out) constantly lies about everything even little stupid things, can be manipulative at times that kind of thing. It comes to a point where you have to decide to deal with and ignore it or cut out the negativity. I chose to deal with it because I honestly feel like I have to. Its only a few yrs until her license will be pulled ( her eyes are going from diabetes even though she wont admit it. ( shes hit her truck at least 15 times on random stuff, lost both mirrors in two months and hit a parked car) Hopefully you will find away to sort things out but if you do have to cut her out realize you have love and support. Confide in friends and family or even on this site. No matter howw alone you feel know that you arent. If it werent for my fiance and kids I dont know how I would deal with it. I wish you the very best.

You can't change your parents, only how you react to them. You need to learn that you don't have to accept her negativity or criticism. There are some comments in response to you that are a bit uncomfortable to read...such as mothers making people gain weight or giving people stress. You can't gain weight/be stressed if you don't allow it to happen. Easier said than done, I know, but the responsibility lies with you.

Edit: Oh, and by the way, you don't have to ignore or "get away" from your mother. It doesn't matter how far away you are if you don't know how to handle negativity. If you'd rather have no contact with her, then that's up to you, but don't feel guilty if that's not what you want. You can still love her but not accept any of her BS, it's called loving detachment.

eliminate her from ur life.

From what I've seen (on the first page of the thread) you're being told to get rid of her- which, initially is something I agree with. That being said, it's not always possible- whether you want her there or some other reason keeps her in the picture.

You need to have a heart to heart with her- tell her that you can't cope with the negativity she's putting in your life. If you know the reasons, tell her you understand A, B and C. If you don't, tell her you dont' get why. But by the end of this conversation she needs to acknowledge what she's doing and give some sort of resolution to end it.
She will never change if she can't acknowledge what she's doing wrong. If she can't give you that.... hard as it may be, cutting her out may be the best thing.

When my father and my mother divorced my alcoholic, verbally abusive father divorced his two daughters also. One of the best danged things that ever happened to me. Since the *itch he was living with didn't want him to recieve phone calls from us I didn't contact him often. It took a while to get over his verbal abuse but I'm somewhat over it. :happy: