Boyfriends and strip clubs

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  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    the alternative is that he tells you, and then you post on the message board about how he knows you don't like the restaurants he goes to and then he upped it further by going to a strip club even though he knew you would hate it.

    ETA: this is a point of contention that absolutely needs addressed and resolved, otherwise someone is going to end up resenting the other, or even both. So writing the letter is a perfectly legitimate way to go. But don't expect him to change. If he wants to change, he will. But you can't demand it. If you want to change anything, then you can certainly change how you feel about these eye candy places that mean very little beyond that. if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat regardless if it is with a stripper or a neighbor.
  • Nightterror218
    Nightterror218 Posts: 375 Member
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    He sounds like a college student. If he wants to drink 3-5 days a week you need to figure out if that is the life style you want because that is his. As for going to the strip clubs, that is between you and him, if he is doing it to hang out with friends that is one thing, lying to you about going is another.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    The biggest issue here is that he drives drunk. He could have killed someone!
  • pwittek10
    pwittek10 Posts: 723 Member
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    I do not believe you should ever demand
    me or the else
    Everyone has the right to choose,
    I do think you should tell him how it hurt you
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
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    i bet he's much more concerned with just hanging out with his buddies than with having rando boobs shaken in his face. maybe 'the guys' could hang out at a different kind of establishment, but obviously that's what they like, and your bf is one of the pack. i wouldn't worry about him being around mostly or completely nekkid women as much as i would worry about him driving drunk.
  • jess7386
    jess7386 Posts: 477 Member
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    I'd be most upset that my BF had been irresponsible enough to drive home drunk, not only risking his own life but the life of every other person on the road.

    In terms of "breastraunts" (a new word I learned today) & strip clubs, you need to ask yourself how much a nag you're being, and be honest with yourself. While I don't think it's a big deal to go to either (regardless of your sex, as I've been to both on multiple occasions), 5x a week may be excessive. Is it possible he's frequenting these types of places because you essentially nag him so much he feels like he's forbidden to go? If so, this might be caused by you trying to be too controlling, especially given the age difference.

    I agree with the poster who said you need to reevaulate your own feelings, as you decided to be with someone who knowingly frequents these types of places. I also think you need to be honest about yourself about where you want the relationship to go and where his priorities are.

    I think mostly you need to evaluate your own behavior & determine one of three options: (a) you're being psycho, (b) he is childish/irreponsible/creepy, or (c) your priorities don't match up right now.

    PS - I think writing a letter is WAY childish. You should be able to express your feelings in words, and he should be given a chance to respond to them. Arguments should be like relationships - give and take.
  • escloflowneCHANGED
    escloflowneCHANGED Posts: 3,038 Member
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    You are going to get a LOT of varying responses to this.

    I personally agree with you. I have been with my husband for 23 years and almost called off our wedding because an hour before the batchelor party that he told me he didn't want to go to and didn't want thrown for him, he told me he was going. I had already been told that the stripper they had hired would do lots of things beyond stripping, which is why the guys hired her in the first place.

    I handed him the engagement ring and told him to have fun.

    No, I didn't trust him at the time and then for him to lie to me about not wanting or planning on going and then dropping it on me at the last minute hoping to slip it past me was the last straw (there were a lot of other things that had happened prior to this).

    He didn't go and I still married him and we are happier now, after 21+ years of marriage than we have ever been. But part of that has been his effort towards being more honest with me and putting me before anyone else in his life. And no, I still don't want him to ever go to a strip club.


    And on that day....I would have called off a wedding lol
  • mgreen10
    mgreen10 Posts: 229 Member
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    When a man visits strip clubs that often, the problem becomes not the actual strip club, but the question of why is he lacking other things in his life (hobbies, interests) so much that he has so much money and time to spend looking at naked women while his woman sits home - dejected, confused, hurt.

    Think about the thought that goes through his head when he recognizes your pain, yet ignores it for the sake of a good time and nothing to do with his boredom. Also think of the example he sets for your kid with that and with the drunk driving. He is lucky (and other motorists on the road unlucky?) that he has not been arrested for a DUI yet.

    In my opinion he is a child, not a man and he has some growing up to do. And why anyone would want to spend time or wait for a proposal from this kind of man is unbeknownst to me. My earnest advice is to move on...as fast as possible.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
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    Since you want him to change, maybe you can return the favor.

    Ask him for what he'd like to change about you, once you get married. Who knows? Maybe you spend a bit much, need to lose some weight. Maybe dump your best friend, or get rid of that Magic Wand. I'm sure you don't mind, right?

    Relationships are always best when people to try to change each other into what they want!

    [Sarcasm alert. Other than the DWI, you have no business, really.]
  • _Krys10_
    _Krys10_ Posts: 1,234 Member
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    Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.
  • jojo86xdd
    jojo86xdd Posts: 202 Member
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    Why don't you just go with him.
  • Squamation
    Squamation Posts: 522 Member
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    If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

    ^^ This!

    Can you live FOREVER with him going out to strip clubs and breasturants for the rest of your life? With that being the male role model for your child? (note: not saying it makes him a poor role model, just something to consider).

    If you don't want to deal with it FOREVER than dump him now and save both you and him the heartache later.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    GO with him, and offer to be the DD.
  • dsimmons107
    dsimmons107 Posts: 387 Member
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    If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

    You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.

    Now this is a smart woman with a great answer.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    You are going to get a LOT of varying responses to this.

    I personally agree with you. I have been with my husband for 23 years and almost called off our wedding because an hour before the batchelor party that he told me he didn't want to go to and didn't want thrown for him, he told me he was going. I had already been told that the stripper they had hired would do lots of things beyond stripping, which is why the guys hired her in the first place.

    I handed him the engagement ring and told him to have fun.

    No, I didn't trust him at the time and then for him to lie to me about not wanting or planning on going and then dropping it on me at the last minute hoping to slip it past me was the last straw (there were a lot of other things that had happened prior to this).

    He didn't go and I still married him and we are happier now, after 21+ years of marriage than we have ever been. But part of that has been his effort towards being more honest with me and putting me before anyone else in his life. And no, I still don't want him to ever go to a strip club.


    And on that day....I would have called off a wedding lol

    And I let him make his choice. He had the ring back. He chose me. And as I said in my post above, there were several other issues prior that I am not sharing. We've overcome all of those issues and are still together and happier than ever.
  • slkehl
    slkehl Posts: 3,801 Member
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    Whatever you do, please don't settle! It sounds like you've invested a LOT of time in this guy, especially with your son. Many women don't get out of relationships that aren't working because of that. But being single is so much better than being with someone who makes you uncomfortable! And I promise you, there are guys out there who don't want to go to these places that objectify women to honor their girlfriend/spouse.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    The issue is not the strip clubs. It's honesty. If you can't trust him, it won't work. PERIOD. If you have honesty issues now, they will only get worse, especially as you get more and more suspicious causing him to be more and more secretive.







    On the other hand, if it were my relationship, and even if we had complete trust in each other, I personally wouldn't stay with someone who wants to look at other females like that (even if he uses the excuse of "hanging out with the guys" as if that's the only thing guys can do when they hang out). Just my personal belief that once you commit to someone, you do NOT go out looking at other people's half naked or fully naked bodies knowing full well the hormones are going to be surging and your thoughts and imaginations running wild. That's just me though...well, me AND my husband or else we would not have married.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    You're guyses values are way off. He likes those places. You don't like them. All the rest is just trying to tolerate and trying to change one another.

    He thought he can tolerate you as a GF if he can figure out how to still hang with his friends at places he likes. Getting off early (no pun intended) was the perfect foil, until you ruined it with your ideas about being a good GF and rushing home to beat him with a great dinner. His idea of a good GF would have been to stay chained to your work until he got a chance to have a good time with the guys looking at tail.

    Your idea of a good boyfriend was that he called you when he got off work early for "yay more US time" when in reality he was just trying not to get called caught at work and not be there and look like a liar. He was just covering all bases before going out to have a good free time without having to worry what you might think for awhile.

    From my perspective the relationship is currently sucking for both of you and I'd hate to be in either position. If I were your IRL friend I'd tell you this and not "oh he's a jerk you should dump him" or "he doesn't deserve you" I'd just say you'd be better off without him. And vice versa. Do you know how easy it would be for you to find a guy who is a homebody and would rush home the minute work were over to hang out with you and your kid? Just as easy as it would be for him to find a woman who wouldn't mind his hobbies as they currently are.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    When I found out my ex, who I would have swore to you was marriage material, drove home drunk frequently and saw little wrong with it, it was over.

    I'd forget the everything else.
  • FrankieB127
    FrankieB127 Posts: 31 Member
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    I think you should be asking yourself if you'd be proud of your son if he turned into the kind of the man that your current boyfriend is. That should give you your answer.

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