Boyfriends and strip clubs
Replies
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Do you really want to get involved with someone who drives drunk?
As for the strip club - if you decide to continue your relationship you should probably go with him once.
You would be amazed how much attention the staff will pay you.
Women get treated like movie stars at quality gentlemen's clubs.
Not to be a snob - but seeing what type of strip club he goes to will tell you a lot about him and his friends.0 -
1. Drunk driving is serious and dangerous. Best case scenario he gets luck all his life. Kind of bad he gets busted, pays a huge fine, has to explain it to every employer, etc. Very bad, he kills someone and goes to prison. It can never happen to you until it does.
2. Not all men go to strip clubs. I have never been to one in my entire life. I'm not judging those that have. If it bothers you you should tell him. If it's a deal breaker for you and he doesn't stop going then he is not "the one". The hooters type stuff I don't know. I don't frequent those establishments but don't see the big deal.0 -
Honestly, I think the letter is a good idea for formulating your thoughts, but not to give to him. And forbidding any adult from something is controlling. I don't honestly understand what the problem is, but then everyone is different. Do you expect him to not look at porn either? Guys are visual, they like to look, if he isn't touching who cares? it will probably enhance your sex life and what is wrong with that?
What if he doesn't want you shoe shopping? Guys are different, and unless this is a major deal breaker for you then I just don't get why it is a big deal. NO ONE will ever, EVER tell you absolutely everythhing that goes through their mind, and frankly you should want them to...that doesn't make them liars by omission....just people entitled to some privacy.
Now the drunk driving on the other hand is WAY worse and THAT would be a major deal breaker for me. That's just immature and crazy stupid.0 -
This is the man he is. Whether he's told you about the stip clubs or not. If you are uncomfortable with the choices he makes as a grown man, then that is on YOU. You don't be in a relationship with anyone expecting them to become or do what you expect of them. You love them for who they are, as they are. You don't like strip clubs or 'breastaurant's - that's you, and it's on you that you feel that way. Not him.
And to give him ultimatums etc is unfair and it won't work. You're mad he didn't tell you this time - wait to see how often he doesn't tell you in the next 20 years.
Also, if you're waiting for him to propose while telling him you aren't talking to him for a few days because he went out with the guys (as he always has done) you best be planning to wait a long time for that ring, because only an idiot would propose under that stress.0 -
I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.
A ring doesn't mean your opinion means more, a ring is BECAUSE your opinion means more.
(amongst other things)0 -
Maybe I am just old fashion but I think it is disrespectful to you. I think too many people feel like they have to except behavior they don:t like just to keep the person they are with. ......... I think it is unfair for a partner to expect someone to do this. I think your partner should have more respect for you and YOU should have more respect for YOU and not lower your standards.0
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I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.
The ring changes nothing...somebody will do what somebody wants...married or not...
This. He isn't magically going to change and completely respect your wishes with a marriage license.0 -
Good. Write it out. See what your standards are. However, I think it's all pointless. You have your standards which he probably thinks are too high...... he has his standards which you don't like. I think you've asked the wrong questions. The question is not, how low can I set my standards and still survive? The question is, who sets the standards for what is right anyway? If it's not you, it must be him....if it's not him...then who?0
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I think this is probably a really good answer. I wouldn't be comfortable if my husband was going out to strip clubs, unless it was for someone's bachelor party and he was going purely as a social thing. I don't mind places like Hooters, but I would mind the amount of money 3-5 trips a week costs and I think that is a little excessive. But, my husband doesn't like or feel comfortable doing those things, it's not something that he wants to do so it's never even come up in our relationship. He's just not that type of person, and that works well for me because I'm not the type of person to be really comfortable with that either.You're guyses values are way off. He likes those places. You don't like them. All the rest is just trying to tolerate and trying to change one another.
He thought he can tolerate you as a GF if he can figure out how to still hang with his friends at places he likes. Getting off early (no pun intended) was the perfect foil, until you ruined it with your ideas about being a good GF and rushing home to beat him with a great dinner. His idea of a good GF would have been to stay chained to your work until he got a chance to have a good time with the guys looking at tail.
Your idea of a good boyfriend was that he called you when he got off work early for "yay more US time" when in reality he was just trying not to get called caught at work and not be there and look like a liar. He was just covering all bases before going out to have a good free time without having to worry what you might think for awhile.
From my perspective the relationship is currently sucking for both of you and I'd hate to be in either position. If I were your IRL friend I'd tell you this and not "oh he's a jerk you should dump him" or "he doesn't deserve you" I'd just say you'd be better off without him. And vice versa. Do you know how easy it would be for you to find a guy who is a homebody and would rush home the minute work were over to hang out with you and your kid? Just as easy as it would be for him to find a woman who wouldn't mind his hobbies as they currently are.
The drunk driving thing is on an entirely different level, imo. I'd be furious about that and wondering why he doesn't know when to draw the line and call a cab or how often he does that...especially if you have a son and are considering marriage. I mean, I don't know of many situations where he might be drunk and driving with your child (probably not likely), but it's not something I'd never want to worry about either!
Good luck with whatever decision you come to!0 -
Your feelings about your bf going to the breastaurants/strip clubs aside, I think there are issues here.
1. Trust
2. Potential alcohol problem
It is totally one thing to unabashedly go to strip clubs, but to lie or tell half-truths about it is another thing. An alcohol problem could be a contributing factor in the naked girls issue. I lived with an alcoholic for 5 years before I realized it was a problem. Love is blind as they say. And. Of course I tend to see alcohol abuse everywhere, so that's my bias.0 -
I think you're overreacting to everything but the drunk driving.0
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OK - the constant drinking on weeknights and drunk driving are a deal breaker for me but also try this...
Why don't you dance on an amateur night at a strip club? If he doesn't approve, we have a case of double standards and you should get out of the relationship.0 -
If you even have to think of if you can trust him is a big issue. A lie by omission is still a lie. If he is not the type of man you would want your son to be or your daughter to be with? Driving drunk and stuff?
What I have learned from being with the right one is there are no buts. He's a good guy BUT, he is perfect BUT, I trust him BUT.
It's pretty black and white. And if this is how he is now, imagine what he will be like in 10 years? He's gonna be that gross creepy guy and you will be calling the bars/clubs/hospitals/jails trying to figure out where he is and your kid is going to watch you do it.
I have no problem with strip clubs. I will go with my guy, I don't care if he goes. I used to work at Hooters.0 -
Honestly, I think the letter is a good idea for formulating your thoughts, but not to give to him. And forbidding any adult from something is controlling. I don't honestly understand what the problem is, but then everyone is different. Do you expect him to not look at porn either? Guys are visual, they like to look, if he isn't touching who cares? it will probably enhance your sex life and what is wrong with that?
What if he doesn't want you shoe shopping? Guys are different, and unless this is a major deal breaker for you then I just don't get why it is a big deal. NO ONE will ever, EVER tell you absolutely everythhing that goes through their mind, and frankly you should want them to...that doesn't make them liars by omission....just people entitled to some privacy.
Now the drunk driving on the other hand is WAY worse and THAT would be a major deal breaker for me. That's just immature and crazy stupid.
while i agree that the drunk driving is the more serious offense, I don't think that's something you leave someone for automatically, unless it happens again0 -
Yup. The strip club is not the problem. Strip clubs are fun!
The problem is the huge red flag of addiction. Drinking to excess multiple days a week? Nope. Bye bye.
You cant change him, tell him how you feel and leave the ball in his court. But be prepared to walk away.0 -
Guys and strip clubs! I just don't get what they get going to see strippers! Call me old fashion, but going to one when you have a GF or married is total disrespect to your partner. Even when I was single, all my friends would go and I'd tell them have a blast, I'm out.
I agree. All my buddies can go if they choose, I'll find something else to do. IMO it would be disrespectful to my Wife and our connection/relationship. But then again, I feel it's disrespectful for myself or my Wife to look at erotic material which would include strip clubs, porn, magazines etc...
IMO you have several issues here. The first and worst is his drunken driving, secondly is his lying and lastly is that he went to one knowing that you would be upset and hurt by it. He knew it'd hurt you, otherwise he wouldn't have lied about it, and chose to do it anyway. This is just my opinion but there isn't any amount of nekkid women or friends that can make me risk hurting my Wife.0 -
Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.
I would have gladly come and picked him up when he was ready to go if I knew where/what he was doing. All I knew until he got home was that he "got off early and am going to grab lunch and hang out with the guys for a little bit."
Yeah you would have gladly come picked him up if he would have felt comfortable to tell you.0 -
I was this person. I told my boyfriend he wasn't allowed to go to strip clubs. Than one day, I remembered he loved me, not the strippers and he was coming home to me, not to the strippers.
If you can't trust him, than you shouldn't be together. If he feels he has to lie to you about things he enjoys, you shouldn't be together.0 -
Thanks everyone for the responses. I just needed to get outside my bubble and make sure I was not being a complete nut case. The drunk driving was a big issue and we discussed it. He knows he was out of bounds there.
I just had a hard time with the strip club because while I have been lax on the breastaurants (I knew it was once or twice a week but recently learned its becoming 3 - 4 times a week) I was concerned if my being lax "allowed" him to feel comfortable with the decision to go to a strip club. Even though many believe them to be innocuous enough I believe over time they can cause issues with relationships whether it is with my own insecurities or opportunities to push the line and edge closer to cheating. (I am not saying strip clubs cause cheating but just push the boundaries of what we think is acceptable). I am going to give us time the next couple of days to breathe and spend some time apart as I know lately we haven't had a ton of time away from each other which can be healthy.
I plan to write out my thoughts and look at why I feel the way I do (too many psychology classes) Then either give him the letter so he can read and digust it on his own without the pressure of us sitting face to face. Or have it in front of me when we talk. I think this will help so that I don't get side-tracked and can get my feelings out there and be done with it.0 -
QUESTION: If, during one of his afternoon DWI joy rides, he were to slam into a van of school children rendering several of them scarred for life, and losing his driver's license for good, would you love him enough to shuttle him to work, Hooters and strip clubs several times a week?0
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Sigh....
There are so many issues here on both your parts, and something tells me there are other issues then those stated. This incident is just the one that caused you to ask for advise.
First, YOU knew his habits way before you got this far into the relationship.
There is alot of drinking on his part, it may not be an addiction but is IS a problem.
The major problems I see from the both of you is Trust and Respect. Without either of these your relationship is going to be a very rough ride.
YOU need to talk with him, HE needs to talk with you and you BOTH need to listen.
A good relationship is a continous change with both of you willing to change for each other.0 -
Frankly I'm shocked by most of the answers here. I know everyone will trash me for this but strip clubs and porn are not cool. They objectify women and reduce them to object to be had not people to be respected. Allowing you bf to go look at other women as is like allowing him to have a second wife. Why on earth would he need one? Isn't his first wife enough? I know some will say "boys will be boys".. But I say only if women put up with that crap. He is mentally pulling all of those women into your relationship and yes into your sex. This is not something that will go away without his decision to do so. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is off pleasing himself at other women instead of being with you. Naturally your pride and love for him are hurt by his constant straying. Please tell him that and maybe be ready to walk away and find someone who will respect you.0
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QUESTION: If, during one of his afternoon DWI joy rides, he were to slam into a van of school children rendering several of them scarred for life, and losing his driver's license for good, would you love him enough to shuttle him to work, Hooters and strip clubs several times a week?
He doesn't drink when he goes to the breastaurants at lunch. This was the first time I have known him to get off early and get smashed before coming home. I DO NOT condone drunk driving.0 -
Have you ever lied to/mislead him about anything even one time ever? If you say no, you're lying.
My husband (and EVERY husband) has pulled *kitten* like that before. But conversely, so have I.
If you don't like strip clubs - now he knows that. You need to make your mind up whether you think he should be "allowed" to go or not. he's not ever going to not WANT to go to them if he likes them now no matter how hard you wish it. Kinda like "why would i WANT to do the dishes?"... figure out what you want and then say it. go from there.
and you don't want to be a nag? So, don't be a nag. i don't nag. i tell him what i want, what i expect and when i want it. sometimes it works out for me, sometimes it doesnt. and when it doesn't? it happens. because sometimes it doesn't work out for him.
welcome to a relationship! (that's not sarcastic - that's life.)Ok so all I am looking for here is a little advice and to use this as a sounding board for an issue that has come up in my relationship. Please read the whole thing before responding as I will trying to provide all relevant info.
I have dated my bf for nearly a year (end of August). He is 32 and I am 27. I have a 7 year old son with no "father" in the picture. I am pretty sure my current bf is THE ONE, I am just waiting for him to propose. We have only had 1 big disagreement as he is extremely patient and we usually talk things out.
The issue: In the last year he has never mentioned or discussed going to a strip club although I know he goes to breastraunts several times a week usually with co-workers. I do not mind breastraunts but do think he and his friends go an excessive amount. I would prefer for him to limit it to once a week (his hockey team goes to Big Racks after games every Thursday) rather than going to Hooters, Bikinis, and such 3-5 times a week.
He has been the best and most considerate boyfriend this whole time. We talk about everything and are open and honest with one another. Yesterday he got off work really early (11:30am) and I had plans to cook him a nice dinner before he went to his house (20-30 minutes away). I checked with him and he said he and the guys were having drinks and he would head home when I left work. I rushed home to get supper started so he wouldnt have to drive home so late. He ended up leaving an hour after he originally said he would be leaving and showed up extremely drunk.
My issues are:
1. Him driving that drunk. He could have killed himself or someone else. He wasn't responding to calls or texts during the hour difference from his 1st "I'm leaving now" text to the second one at 6pm so I was worried sick he got arrested or in an accident.
2. When he got home I asked him where they hung out just casually as part of the normal how was your day talk. He said Hooters for lunch then to a sports bar. He ate supper and passed out a little while (I wasn't going to let him drive to his house at all). When he woke up he was some what sober and my 1st question was "what strip club did y'all go to?" as a joke, not thinking he would really blurt out a name! He immediately looked ashamed and I asked if he planned to tell me and he said "no probably not." As far as I thought, we have always been honest with each other but now I am questioning whatelse has he "just not told me" and has he always been honest when I ask or only if it is a direct question?
3. I understand men go to strip clubs. If they didn't they wouldn't exist. This is the first time we have come across the issue of him wanting or going to one. I would understand him wanting to go if it was for a bachelor party but to just go on a random Tuesday because you got out of work early.... It makes me worry. How often has he gone and just not told me?
At first I thought I was over thinking this but A) he knows I don't like breastraunts so I am not sure why he would think I would approve of a full out strip club and
can I really trust him. If he tells me the truth for direct questions then I have to worry about what he isn't telling me or what I am not asking and I flat out don't want to be a controlling nag. I feel like I provide enough for him at home in all departments that he should not need to frequent those kind of establishments. He also knows I have issues with cheating and men who treat their SOs like a doormat.
The plan forward: right now I have told him I need to take some time to sort my thoughts. If he wants to continue going to those kind of places that is his choice but my choice is whether or not I want to be with someone who does. I have canceled our dinner plans for the rest of the week and our double date for Saturday night. I don't plan on seeing or talking to him for a few days so we can both sort our thoughts. I am thinking about writing all of mine out in a letter and giving it to him. That way I can lay them out without the confusing that comes when we have a discussion and go back and forth. I am trying to handle this in a mature and thoughtful way rather than just being a B and saying "YOU ARE FORBIDDEN." Right now I feel very hurt and disappointed and like the trust we have built for the last year has been shaken. Am I over-reacting? Is a letter too childish? I keep going around and around in my head so thoughts would be appreciated. I haven't talked to my friends because I know they are biased and don't want to "bad mouth" him to them.0 -
I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.
The ring changes nothing...somebody will do what somebody wants...married or not...
Well about the ring. Everytime I looked at that ring I'd wonder how much bigger it could have been if so much of his money hadn't gone down some girls thong. Not trying to make you madder at him, but times are tough and you have a kid to take care of. You need to look at all sides and be very realistic in your choices and the use of your time. A year is nothing in adult years but in kids years it's valuable.0 -
It's not her fault he got in the car drunk or didn't have the sense to call a cab. I'm reasonably certain he had cab fare on him if he could afford to get drunk!Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.
I would have gladly come and picked him up when he was ready to go if I knew where/what he was doing. All I knew until he got home was that he "got off early and am going to grab lunch and hang out with the guys for a little bit."
Yeah you would have gladly come picked him up if he would have felt comfortable to tell you.0 -
Frankly I'm shocked by most of the answers here. I know everyone will trash me for this but strip clubs and porn are not cool. They objectify women and reduce them to object to be had not people to be respected. Allowing you bf to go look at other women as is like allowing him to have a second wife. Why on earth would he need one? Isn't his first wife enough? I know some will say "boys will be boys".. But I say only if women put up with that crap. He is mentally pulling all of those women into your relationship and yes into your sex. This is not something that will go away without his decision to do so. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is off pleasing himself at other women instead of being with you. Naturally your pride and love for him are hurt by his constant straying. Please tell him that and maybe be ready to walk away and find someone who will respect you.
Agree0 -
My husband has never been to a breastraunt or a strip club. I have also told him my feelings on it. (If it is something we can't enjoy together, we probably shouldn't enjoy it alone.) Also another thing I told him... If we feel like we have to hide things from each other, than it is probably not something we should be doing anyway.
His friends and I have both tried to get him to go to both, but he still refuses. Even when I am not around. His friends have made comments about him not wanting to go behind my back.0 -
Everyone is going to have a different response to this, I'm sure you've noticed already. I appreciate these kinds of posts and I don't respond to much on this site. I see it like this: The men and women who don't mind strip clubs are going to tell you to chill out or say something disrespectful. The men and women who relate to you are going to tell you either what I'm telling you or something similar.
I've been in these types of relationships before. It never ended well for me, but that's not to say it will be the same for you and your boyfriend. I sympathize a lot with your situation. It immediately reminded me of my longest relationship to date with a man who I was engaged to. He couldn't keep his eyes on me and he battled with urges to look at porn. It wasn't until the end of our relationship that I was finding phone numbers in his pockets. He was a stinking drunk and sucked the life out of me with his secrets. I had another boyfriend after that who was similar but faithful (as far as I knew). That one didn't see why I didn't like porn and my man watching it, so he just did it when I was gone during the week. I found that it didn't bother me as much that he was watching porn as long as he loved me and thought I was more beautiful in his eyes than those skanks. The problem with that relationship was that he also turned out to be very selfish, inconsiderate, and two-faced. Are you noticing a pattern?
Anyway, my point is DON'T SETTLE. If you are uncomfortable with certain behaviors, hobbies, etc, etc... don't settle. Find the one for you. There is someone. If this guy just can't help but scratch the itch to go look at naked women/half naked women/women/anything with a pulse, maybe it's more productive for you to consider whether or not this is the guy you REALLY want to marry. When you marry a person, you're marrying EVERYTHING about them. Everything.
One of the most common mistakes women make with men is trying to change them. IT NEVER WORKS. And settling for things you're uncomfortable with just ****ing sucks. Dating is hard. I know better than a lot of people, because I dated a whooooooole lot before I met a man who is kind, successful, independent, family-oriented, sane, drug/alcohol conscious, responsible, and who doesn't objectify women because it makes him feel like a pervert. I found a guy who fits my standards. And you can too.
All that said, I think this is your opportunity to figure out what you want, because it doesn't sound like you really have that pinned down yet. Good luck. Sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes to figure out what that is.0 -
I don't see this working out. What you and he each want are totally different. Cut him lose and look for someone else.0
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