Boyfriends and strip clubs

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  • JasonT1973
    JasonT1973 Posts: 229 Member
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    Do you really want to get involved with someone who drives drunk?
    As for the strip club - if you decide to continue your relationship you should probably go with him once.
    You would be amazed how much attention the staff will pay you.
    Women get treated like movie stars at quality gentlemen's clubs.
    Not to be a snob - but seeing what type of strip club he goes to will tell you a lot about him and his friends.
  • ryry_
    ryry_ Posts: 4,966 Member
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    1. Drunk driving is serious and dangerous. Best case scenario he gets luck all his life. Kind of bad he gets busted, pays a huge fine, has to explain it to every employer, etc. Very bad, he kills someone and goes to prison. It can never happen to you until it does.

    2. Not all men go to strip clubs. I have never been to one in my entire life. I'm not judging those that have. If it bothers you you should tell him. If it's a deal breaker for you and he doesn't stop going then he is not "the one". The hooters type stuff I don't know. I don't frequent those establishments but don't see the big deal.
  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
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    Honestly, I think the letter is a good idea for formulating your thoughts, but not to give to him. And forbidding any adult from something is controlling. I don't honestly understand what the problem is, but then everyone is different. Do you expect him to not look at porn either? Guys are visual, they like to look, if he isn't touching who cares? it will probably enhance your sex life and what is wrong with that?

    What if he doesn't want you shoe shopping? Guys are different, and unless this is a major deal breaker for you then I just don't get why it is a big deal. NO ONE will ever, EVER tell you absolutely everythhing that goes through their mind, and frankly you should want them to...that doesn't make them liars by omission....just people entitled to some privacy.

    Now the drunk driving on the other hand is WAY worse and THAT would be a major deal breaker for me. That's just immature and crazy stupid.
  • JaimeBrown5
    JaimeBrown5 Posts: 324
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    This is the man he is. Whether he's told you about the stip clubs or not. If you are uncomfortable with the choices he makes as a grown man, then that is on YOU. You don't be in a relationship with anyone expecting them to become or do what you expect of them. You love them for who they are, as they are. You don't like strip clubs or 'breastaurant's - that's you, and it's on you that you feel that way. Not him.

    And to give him ultimatums etc is unfair and it won't work. You're mad he didn't tell you this time - wait to see how often he doesn't tell you in the next 20 years.

    Also, if you're waiting for him to propose while telling him you aren't talking to him for a few days because he went out with the guys (as he always has done) you best be planning to wait a long time for that ring, because only an idiot would propose under that stress.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.

    A ring doesn't mean your opinion means more, a ring is BECAUSE your opinion means more.

    (amongst other things)
  • msladydove
    msladydove Posts: 33 Member
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    Maybe I am just old fashion but I think it is disrespectful to you. I think too many people feel like they have to except behavior they don:t like just to keep the person they are with. ......... I think it is unfair for a partner to expect someone to do this. I think your partner should have more respect for you and YOU should have more respect for YOU and not lower your standards.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
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    I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.

    The ring changes nothing...somebody will do what somebody wants...married or not...

    This. He isn't magically going to change and completely respect your wishes with a marriage license.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    Good. Write it out. See what your standards are. However, I think it's all pointless. You have your standards which he probably thinks are too high...... he has his standards which you don't like. I think you've asked the wrong questions. The question is not, how low can I set my standards and still survive? The question is, who sets the standards for what is right anyway? If it's not you, it must be him....if it's not him...then who?
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    You're guyses values are way off. He likes those places. You don't like them. All the rest is just trying to tolerate and trying to change one another.

    He thought he can tolerate you as a GF if he can figure out how to still hang with his friends at places he likes. Getting off early (no pun intended) was the perfect foil, until you ruined it with your ideas about being a good GF and rushing home to beat him with a great dinner. His idea of a good GF would have been to stay chained to your work until he got a chance to have a good time with the guys looking at tail.

    Your idea of a good boyfriend was that he called you when he got off work early for "yay more US time" when in reality he was just trying not to get called caught at work and not be there and look like a liar. He was just covering all bases before going out to have a good free time without having to worry what you might think for awhile.

    From my perspective the relationship is currently sucking for both of you and I'd hate to be in either position. If I were your IRL friend I'd tell you this and not "oh he's a jerk you should dump him" or "he doesn't deserve you" I'd just say you'd be better off without him. And vice versa. Do you know how easy it would be for you to find a guy who is a homebody and would rush home the minute work were over to hang out with you and your kid? Just as easy as it would be for him to find a woman who wouldn't mind his hobbies as they currently are.
    I think this is probably a really good answer. I wouldn't be comfortable if my husband was going out to strip clubs, unless it was for someone's bachelor party and he was going purely as a social thing. I don't mind places like Hooters, but I would mind the amount of money 3-5 trips a week costs and I think that is a little excessive. But, my husband doesn't like or feel comfortable doing those things, it's not something that he wants to do so it's never even come up in our relationship. He's just not that type of person, and that works well for me because I'm not the type of person to be really comfortable with that either.

    The drunk driving thing is on an entirely different level, imo. I'd be furious about that and wondering why he doesn't know when to draw the line and call a cab or how often he does that...especially if you have a son and are considering marriage. I mean, I don't know of many situations where he might be drunk and driving with your child (probably not likely), but it's not something I'd never want to worry about either!

    Good luck with whatever decision you come to!
  • Rosplosion
    Rosplosion Posts: 739 Member
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    Your feelings about your bf going to the breastaurants/strip clubs aside, I think there are issues here.

    1. Trust
    2. Potential alcohol problem


    It is totally one thing to unabashedly go to strip clubs, but to lie or tell half-truths about it is another thing. An alcohol problem could be a contributing factor in the naked girls issue. I lived with an alcoholic for 5 years before I realized it was a problem. Love is blind as they say. And. Of course I tend to see alcohol abuse everywhere, so that's my bias.
  • Desterknee
    Desterknee Posts: 1,056 Member
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    I think you're overreacting to everything but the drunk driving.
  • KathleenMurry
    KathleenMurry Posts: 448 Member
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    OK - the constant drinking on weeknights and drunk driving are a deal breaker for me but also try this...


    Why don't you dance on an amateur night at a strip club? If he doesn't approve, we have a case of double standards and you should get out of the relationship.
  • Hunnib23
    Hunnib23 Posts: 61 Member
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    If you even have to think of if you can trust him is a big issue. A lie by omission is still a lie. If he is not the type of man you would want your son to be or your daughter to be with? Driving drunk and stuff?

    What I have learned from being with the right one is there are no buts. He's a good guy BUT, he is perfect BUT, I trust him BUT.

    It's pretty black and white. And if this is how he is now, imagine what he will be like in 10 years? He's gonna be that gross creepy guy and you will be calling the bars/clubs/hospitals/jails trying to figure out where he is and your kid is going to watch you do it.

    I have no problem with strip clubs. I will go with my guy, I don't care if he goes. I used to work at Hooters.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    Honestly, I think the letter is a good idea for formulating your thoughts, but not to give to him. And forbidding any adult from something is controlling. I don't honestly understand what the problem is, but then everyone is different. Do you expect him to not look at porn either? Guys are visual, they like to look, if he isn't touching who cares? it will probably enhance your sex life and what is wrong with that?

    What if he doesn't want you shoe shopping? Guys are different, and unless this is a major deal breaker for you then I just don't get why it is a big deal. NO ONE will ever, EVER tell you absolutely everythhing that goes through their mind, and frankly you should want them to...that doesn't make them liars by omission....just people entitled to some privacy.

    Now the drunk driving on the other hand is WAY worse and THAT would be a major deal breaker for me. That's just immature and crazy stupid.

    while i agree that the drunk driving is the more serious offense, I don't think that's something you leave someone for automatically, unless it happens again
  • mamacita721
    mamacita721 Posts: 194 Member
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    Yup. The strip club is not the problem. Strip clubs are fun!

    The problem is the huge red flag of addiction. Drinking to excess multiple days a week? Nope. Bye bye.

    You cant change him, tell him how you feel and leave the ball in his court. But be prepared to walk away.
  • Toblave
    Toblave Posts: 244 Member
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    Guys and strip clubs! I just don't get what they get going to see strippers! Call me old fashion, but going to one when you have a GF or married is total disrespect to your partner. Even when I was single, all my friends would go and I'd tell them have a blast, I'm out.

    I agree. All my buddies can go if they choose, I'll find something else to do. IMO it would be disrespectful to my Wife and our connection/relationship. But then again, I feel it's disrespectful for myself or my Wife to look at erotic material which would include strip clubs, porn, magazines etc...

    IMO you have several issues here. The first and worst is his drunken driving, secondly is his lying and lastly is that he went to one knowing that you would be upset and hurt by it. He knew it'd hurt you, otherwise he wouldn't have lied about it, and chose to do it anyway. This is just my opinion but there isn't any amount of nekkid women or friends that can make me risk hurting my Wife.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.

    I would have gladly come and picked him up when he was ready to go if I knew where/what he was doing. All I knew until he got home was that he "got off early and am going to grab lunch and hang out with the guys for a little bit."

    Yeah you would have gladly come picked him up if he would have felt comfortable to tell you.
  • abnerner
    abnerner Posts: 452 Member
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    I was this person. I told my boyfriend he wasn't allowed to go to strip clubs. Than one day, I remembered he loved me, not the strippers and he was coming home to me, not to the strippers.

    If you can't trust him, than you shouldn't be together. If he feels he has to lie to you about things he enjoys, you shouldn't be together.
  • JGT2004
    JGT2004 Posts: 231 Member
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    Thanks everyone for the responses. I just needed to get outside my bubble and make sure I was not being a complete nut case. The drunk driving was a big issue and we discussed it. He knows he was out of bounds there.

    I just had a hard time with the strip club because while I have been lax on the breastaurants (I knew it was once or twice a week but recently learned its becoming 3 - 4 times a week) I was concerned if my being lax "allowed" him to feel comfortable with the decision to go to a strip club. Even though many believe them to be innocuous enough I believe over time they can cause issues with relationships whether it is with my own insecurities or opportunities to push the line and edge closer to cheating. (I am not saying strip clubs cause cheating but just push the boundaries of what we think is acceptable). I am going to give us time the next couple of days to breathe and spend some time apart as I know lately we haven't had a ton of time away from each other which can be healthy.

    I plan to write out my thoughts and look at why I feel the way I do (too many psychology classes) Then either give him the letter so he can read and digust it on his own without the pressure of us sitting face to face. Or have it in front of me when we talk. I think this will help so that I don't get side-tracked and can get my feelings out there and be done with it.
  • boatsie77
    boatsie77 Posts: 480 Member
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    QUESTION: If, during one of his afternoon DWI joy rides, he were to slam into a van of school children rendering several of them scarred for life, and losing his driver's license for good, would you love him enough to shuttle him to work, Hooters and strip clubs several times a week?

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