Boyfriends and strip clubs

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  • Monkey_Business
    Monkey_Business Posts: 1,800 Member
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    Sigh....

    There are so many issues here on both your parts, and something tells me there are other issues then those stated. This incident is just the one that caused you to ask for advise.

    First, YOU knew his habits way before you got this far into the relationship.

    There is alot of drinking on his part, it may not be an addiction but is IS a problem.

    The major problems I see from the both of you is Trust and Respect. Without either of these your relationship is going to be a very rough ride.

    YOU need to talk with him, HE needs to talk with you and you BOTH need to listen.

    A good relationship is a continous change with both of you willing to change for each other.
  • DiamondRubyMom
    DiamondRubyMom Posts: 147 Member
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    Frankly I'm shocked by most of the answers here. I know everyone will trash me for this but strip clubs and porn are not cool. They objectify women and reduce them to object to be had not people to be respected. Allowing you bf to go look at other women as is like allowing him to have a second wife. Why on earth would he need one? Isn't his first wife enough? I know some will say "boys will be boys".. But I say only if women put up with that crap. He is mentally pulling all of those women into your relationship and yes into your sex. This is not something that will go away without his decision to do so. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is off pleasing himself at other women instead of being with you. Naturally your pride and love for him are hurt by his constant straying. Please tell him that and maybe be ready to walk away and find someone who will respect you.
  • JGT2004
    JGT2004 Posts: 231 Member
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    QUESTION: If, during one of his afternoon DWI joy rides, he were to slam into a van of school children rendering several of them scarred for life, and losing his driver's license for good, would you love him enough to shuttle him to work, Hooters and strip clubs several times a week?

    He doesn't drink when he goes to the breastaurants at lunch. This was the first time I have known him to get off early and get smashed before coming home. I DO NOT condone drunk driving.
  • mckshowie
    mckshowie Posts: 210 Member
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    Have you ever lied to/mislead him about anything even one time ever? If you say no, you're lying.

    My husband (and EVERY husband) has pulled *kitten* like that before. But conversely, so have I.

    If you don't like strip clubs - now he knows that. You need to make your mind up whether you think he should be "allowed" to go or not. he's not ever going to not WANT to go to them if he likes them now no matter how hard you wish it. Kinda like "why would i WANT to do the dishes?"... figure out what you want and then say it. go from there.

    and you don't want to be a nag? So, don't be a nag. i don't nag. i tell him what i want, what i expect and when i want it. sometimes it works out for me, sometimes it doesnt. and when it doesn't? it happens. because sometimes it doesn't work out for him.

    welcome to a relationship! (that's not sarcastic - that's life.)

    Ok so all I am looking for here is a little advice and to use this as a sounding board for an issue that has come up in my relationship. Please read the whole thing before responding as I will trying to provide all relevant info.

    I have dated my bf for nearly a year (end of August). He is 32 and I am 27. I have a 7 year old son with no "father" in the picture. I am pretty sure my current bf is THE ONE, I am just waiting for him to propose. We have only had 1 big disagreement as he is extremely patient and we usually talk things out.

    The issue: In the last year he has never mentioned or discussed going to a strip club although I know he goes to breastraunts several times a week usually with co-workers. I do not mind breastraunts but do think he and his friends go an excessive amount. I would prefer for him to limit it to once a week (his hockey team goes to Big Racks after games every Thursday) rather than going to Hooters, Bikinis, and such 3-5 times a week.

    He has been the best and most considerate boyfriend this whole time. We talk about everything and are open and honest with one another. Yesterday he got off work really early (11:30am) and I had plans to cook him a nice dinner before he went to his house (20-30 minutes away). I checked with him and he said he and the guys were having drinks and he would head home when I left work. I rushed home to get supper started so he wouldnt have to drive home so late. He ended up leaving an hour after he originally said he would be leaving and showed up extremely drunk.

    My issues are:
    1. Him driving that drunk. He could have killed himself or someone else. He wasn't responding to calls or texts during the hour difference from his 1st "I'm leaving now" text to the second one at 6pm so I was worried sick he got arrested or in an accident.

    2. When he got home I asked him where they hung out just casually as part of the normal how was your day talk. He said Hooters for lunch then to a sports bar. He ate supper and passed out a little while (I wasn't going to let him drive to his house at all). When he woke up he was some what sober and my 1st question was "what strip club did y'all go to?" as a joke, not thinking he would really blurt out a name! He immediately looked ashamed and I asked if he planned to tell me and he said "no probably not." As far as I thought, we have always been honest with each other but now I am questioning whatelse has he "just not told me" and has he always been honest when I ask or only if it is a direct question?

    3. I understand men go to strip clubs. If they didn't they wouldn't exist. This is the first time we have come across the issue of him wanting or going to one. I would understand him wanting to go if it was for a bachelor party but to just go on a random Tuesday because you got out of work early.... It makes me worry. How often has he gone and just not told me?

    At first I thought I was over thinking this but A) he knows I don't like breastraunts so I am not sure why he would think I would approve of a full out strip club and B) can I really trust him. If he tells me the truth for direct questions then I have to worry about what he isn't telling me or what I am not asking and I flat out don't want to be a controlling nag. I feel like I provide enough for him at home in all departments that he should not need to frequent those kind of establishments. He also knows I have issues with cheating and men who treat their SOs like a doormat.

    The plan forward: right now I have told him I need to take some time to sort my thoughts. If he wants to continue going to those kind of places that is his choice but my choice is whether or not I want to be with someone who does. I have canceled our dinner plans for the rest of the week and our double date for Saturday night. I don't plan on seeing or talking to him for a few days so we can both sort our thoughts. I am thinking about writing all of mine out in a letter and giving it to him. That way I can lay them out without the confusing that comes when we have a discussion and go back and forth. I am trying to handle this in a mature and thoughtful way rather than just being a B and saying "YOU ARE FORBIDDEN." Right now I feel very hurt and disappointed and like the trust we have built for the last year has been shaken. Am I over-reacting? Is a letter too childish? I keep going around and around in my head so thoughts would be appreciated. I haven't talked to my friends because I know they are biased and don't want to "bad mouth" him to them.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I also know that until there is a ring on my finger, my opinion is considered significantly less important.

    The ring changes nothing...somebody will do what somebody wants...married or not...

    Well about the ring. Everytime I looked at that ring I'd wonder how much bigger it could have been if so much of his money hadn't gone down some girls thong. Not trying to make you madder at him, but times are tough and you have a kid to take care of. You need to look at all sides and be very realistic in your choices and the use of your time. A year is nothing in adult years but in kids years it's valuable.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.

    I would have gladly come and picked him up when he was ready to go if I knew where/what he was doing. All I knew until he got home was that he "got off early and am going to grab lunch and hang out with the guys for a little bit."

    Yeah you would have gladly come picked him up if he would have felt comfortable to tell you.
    It's not her fault he got in the car drunk or didn't have the sense to call a cab. I'm reasonably certain he had cab fare on him if he could afford to get drunk!
  • Toblave
    Toblave Posts: 244 Member
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    Frankly I'm shocked by most of the answers here. I know everyone will trash me for this but strip clubs and porn are not cool. They objectify women and reduce them to object to be had not people to be respected. Allowing you bf to go look at other women as is like allowing him to have a second wife. Why on earth would he need one? Isn't his first wife enough? I know some will say "boys will be boys".. But I say only if women put up with that crap. He is mentally pulling all of those women into your relationship and yes into your sex. This is not something that will go away without his decision to do so. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is off pleasing himself at other women instead of being with you. Naturally your pride and love for him are hurt by his constant straying. Please tell him that and maybe be ready to walk away and find someone who will respect you.


    Agree
  • alliemarie77
    alliemarie77 Posts: 378 Member
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    My husband has never been to a breastraunt or a strip club. I have also told him my feelings on it. (If it is something we can't enjoy together, we probably shouldn't enjoy it alone.) Also another thing I told him... If we feel like we have to hide things from each other, than it is probably not something we should be doing anyway.

    His friends and I have both tried to get him to go to both, but he still refuses. Even when I am not around. His friends have made comments about him not wanting to go behind my back.
  • SparkleKittie
    SparkleKittie Posts: 127
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    Everyone is going to have a different response to this, I'm sure you've noticed already. I appreciate these kinds of posts and I don't respond to much on this site. I see it like this: The men and women who don't mind strip clubs are going to tell you to chill out or say something disrespectful. The men and women who relate to you are going to tell you either what I'm telling you or something similar.

    I've been in these types of relationships before. It never ended well for me, but that's not to say it will be the same for you and your boyfriend. I sympathize a lot with your situation. It immediately reminded me of my longest relationship to date with a man who I was engaged to. He couldn't keep his eyes on me and he battled with urges to look at porn. It wasn't until the end of our relationship that I was finding phone numbers in his pockets. He was a stinking drunk and sucked the life out of me with his secrets. I had another boyfriend after that who was similar but faithful (as far as I knew). That one didn't see why I didn't like porn and my man watching it, so he just did it when I was gone during the week. I found that it didn't bother me as much that he was watching porn as long as he loved me and thought I was more beautiful in his eyes than those skanks. The problem with that relationship was that he also turned out to be very selfish, inconsiderate, and two-faced. Are you noticing a pattern?

    Anyway, my point is DON'T SETTLE. If you are uncomfortable with certain behaviors, hobbies, etc, etc... don't settle. Find the one for you. There is someone. If this guy just can't help but scratch the itch to go look at naked women/half naked women/women/anything with a pulse, maybe it's more productive for you to consider whether or not this is the guy you REALLY want to marry. When you marry a person, you're marrying EVERYTHING about them. Everything.

    One of the most common mistakes women make with men is trying to change them. IT NEVER WORKS. And settling for things you're uncomfortable with just ****ing sucks. Dating is hard. I know better than a lot of people, because I dated a whooooooole lot before I met a man who is kind, successful, independent, family-oriented, sane, drug/alcohol conscious, responsible, and who doesn't objectify women because it makes him feel like a pervert. I found a guy who fits my standards. And you can too.

    All that said, I think this is your opportunity to figure out what you want, because it doesn't sound like you really have that pinned down yet. Good luck. Sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes to figure out what that is.
  • justwanderful
    justwanderful Posts: 142 Member
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    I don't see this working out. What you and he each want are totally different. Cut him lose and look for someone else.
  • Pixilox
    Pixilox Posts: 51 Member
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    Frankly I'm shocked by most of the answers here. I know everyone will trash me for this but strip clubs and porn are not cool. They objectify women and reduce them to object to be had not people to be respected. Allowing you bf to go look at other women as is like allowing him to have a second wife. Why on earth would he need one? Isn't his first wife enough? I know some will say "boys will be boys".. But I say only if women put up with that crap. He is mentally pulling all of those women into your relationship and yes into your sex. This is not something that will go away without his decision to do so. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is off pleasing himself at other women instead of being with you. Naturally your pride and love for him are hurt by his constant straying. Please tell him that and maybe be ready to walk away and find someone who will respect you.

    Really what's the difference if he's pleasing himself to the strip club/Hooters girls or some pretty actress on TV? None. He is who he is and she knew that when they got together. He probably didn't tell her about going to a strip club because of how she reacts when he goes to 'one of those' restaurants. So now she knows and it's up to her to decide if she really wants that kind of guy or not. Personally, as long as my guy (when I find another one) comes home to me that's all that matters.
  • BrunetteRunner87
    BrunetteRunner87 Posts: 591 Member
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    I would just sit down and talk to him about all of the above, instead of asking for opinions on the internet. If you're waiting for him to propose, you shouldn't have a problem talking to each other honestly about those things, even if it takes a few sittings to figure it all out.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    What is he spending at those places? He goes out to eat that much and has drinks...phew I bet that's adding up.

    Sounds like it bothers you he needs to decide if you or or those places are more worth it.

    Would he be OK with you seeing male strippers?

    There are guys out there who dont go to those places my boyfriend is one of them. I've tried to talk him into going...well except Hooters the wings are terrible. He says he doesnt like to spend the money.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    Frankly I'm shocked by most of the answers here. I know everyone will trash me for this but strip clubs and porn are not cool. They objectify women and reduce them to object to be had not people to be respected. Allowing you bf to go look at other women as is like allowing him to have a second wife. Why on earth would he need one? Isn't his first wife enough? I know some will say "boys will be boys".. But I say only if women put up with that crap. He is mentally pulling all of those women into your relationship and yes into your sex. This is not something that will go away without his decision to do so. Ask yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is off pleasing himself at other women instead of being with you. Naturally your pride and love for him are hurt by his constant straying. Please tell him that and maybe be ready to walk away and find someone who will respect you.

    there are few posts that i have seen on this forum that I have disagreed with more. looking certainly does not equate to a second wife. Fantasy is fantasy, whether it is at a strip club, or in the man eye candy thread that women here post.

    i think there is much more to a husband/wife (or SO) relationship than the guy ogling the woman, don't you?
  • calibriintx
    calibriintx Posts: 1,741 Member
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    I do not mind breastraunts but do think he and his friends go an excessive amount. I would prefer for him to limit it to once a week (his hockey team goes to Big Racks after games every Thursday) rather than going to Hooters, Bikinis, and such 3-5 times a week.

    Meh. This might be a convenience thing or just because the other guys are going there. When my husband worked in an office with a lot of male friends, they went to Hooters or Twin Peaks for lunch almost everyday, M-F. Now he works in a small office, takes his lunch half the time, or runs out for fast food the other half. Regardless of his reasoning, unless you share money and bills and his going out (anywhere, not just breastraunts) is causing financial hardship, you've really just got to suck it up.
    My issues are:
    1. Him driving that drunk. He could have killed himself or someone else. He wasn't responding to calls or texts during the hour difference from his 1st "I'm leaving now" text to the second one at 6pm so I was worried sick he got arrested or in an accident.

    This is a big deal and I don't really have any advice. Not cool. He should have called you for a ride or planned for a DD.
    ...my 1st question was "what strip club did y'all go to?" as a joke, not thinking he would really blurt out a name! He immediately looked ashamed and I asked if he planned to tell me and he said "no probably not." .....At first I thought I was over thinking this but A) he knows I don't like breastraunts so I am not sure why he would think I would approve of a full out strip club

    He knows you wouldn't approve. That's why he looked ashamed and wasn't going to tell you. Think about that.
    As far as I thought, we have always been honest with each other but now I am questioning whatelse has he "just not told me" and has he always been honest when I ask or only if it is a direct question?

    Is there any other behavior that you don't approve of? Basically, anything he's going to catch flack about, he's going to keep to himself.


    Unless you can just accept him going to strip clubs and breastraunts, you two are not a good match. A lot of people would probably disagree but people are going to do what they want to do, and this guy has already proved that to you.

    My husband goes to strip clubs and breastraunts with friends, or with me. Doesn't bother me. In fact, I'm always a little disappointed when I'm not invited, but that's generally b/c some of the other wives or gfs won't go, and they'd all be pissed if there were any women there (besides the strippers, which also piss them off). But you know what? I'm the cool wife.:blushing: These guys want their wives/gfs to come along and they're totally jealous of the fact that DH and some of these other guys not only get shooed out the door to go to the strip club, but their girls want to join them.

    If that's not your thing, that's okay. But it's not going to just stop being his thing. The best piece of advice I can offer anyone even thinking of being married, or even staying in a relationship, is if you aren't happy with this person exactly as they are right now, then you need to move on. Maybe he'll change, but it's not likely and you're better off being with someone who shares your values. You want to be the cool gf/wife! You can't do that when you're with someone who has different ideas about what's appropriate in a relationship. If you can't get past this and be totally content with it, it's in your best interests to move on. Find someone whose idea of guy time is golf or fishing. That way when he wants to go you're saying "go get 'em tiger" or "bring home a big one". You can be the cool wife/gf while his friends, who some of are likely in a poorly matched relationship, envy him b/c they caught sh.it for liking to do something other than hanging with their SOs 24/7.

    GL, OP!:drinker: :flowerforyou:

    ETA: What strip club did he go to? I'm in Dallas and I'm wondering if he at least has good taste! :wink: :laugh:
  • jaycbadass
    jaycbadass Posts: 325
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    Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.
    LMFAOOOOO yea!!
  • strongmindstrongbody
    strongmindstrongbody Posts: 315 Member
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    You've got a son to raise. Is your boyfriend the role model you want for your son? Are the concerns you listed about your boyfriend something you could deal with for the rest of your life in a way that doesn't leave you feeling angry or sad? If not, move on. First let your boyfriend know everything you're thinking and what you need for the relationship to work. Don't hold in your feelings and downplay your wants in the relationship. If he's serious about you, he'll let go of the things that hurt you. But don't bully him into changing; he's got to want it himself. And be prepared to listen to his wants. Works both ways.
  • strongmindstrongbody
    strongmindstrongbody Posts: 315 Member
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    Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.
    LMFAOOOOO yea!!

    *snorts* :laugh:
  • SteveJWatson
    SteveJWatson Posts: 1,225 Member
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    Everyone has got a bit too drunk once in a while - its no biggie. The drink driving, as others have said is a issue.

    Also: "Breastraunts" :bigsmile:
  • cbumbalough
    cbumbalough Posts: 142 Member
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    IMO, If you are okay with him going to those places, that's great. HOWEVER, it sounds a bit excessive. That's like having the BF go to the bar that many nights a week. It just sounds like too much to me. I wouldn't forbid it. I'd ask him to cut back or get the buds to go somewhere else. You're not trying to take his friends away. They just need a new venue. I think you're being very reasonable.

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