A Bad Thing Happened To My Friend
Today I made a mistake. I went to a chinese buffet. I thought it would be okay because I had gone to a regular buffet before and did excellent. But there just was no easy choice at this place. Won't be doing that again.
But that is not my point. I have a friend. He is 6' something and weight nearly 400 lbs. I think he's a handsome boy, with bright blue eyes and blonde hair and a one sided dimple smile. If you met him you would like him. He has some hang ups and such, but he is a true friend and he loves people and art. We have been friends since I was in the 10th grade. He's an outgoing person, and he doesn't mind drawing attention to himself. He used to wear skirts to school every opportunity he got just for the shock factor. He likes to yell randomly in public and say odd things because it amuses him to no end. So it surprised me to see the effect this had on him.
So when I returned from my damaging trip to the buffet I saw him hanging his head, with the menu blocking his plate. I sat down across from him and he glanced over at the other side of the room, muttering something in his passive way. Obviously he was uncomfortable so I asked him what was up. He said that the people on the other side of the room (who were rather loud and obnoxious) had made fun of him as he returned from the buffet. They saw his plate and shouted "aaaaaaaw dang!" and kept pointing at him and laughing. That's why he was trying to cover himself up while he ate. I shot a glare over at them but they were wrapped up in their obnoxious activities. And my friend was uncomfortable the rest of the night. They never said or did anything while I, my husband and our friend (who is also overweight) were sitting there.
I just don't get why someone else would say anything about someone as loud as they could so that someone could hear. I've heard of fat shaming, I understand that people are doing it trying to get someone to lose weight. But you see my friend doesn't want to lose weight, he isn't trying to lose weight and that's his business. What he eats is his business. I think it's very rude to make fun of him for eating, especially since it was his first plate of food and he only got one thing (he's very picky but he gets a lot of the things he likes.) And he felt awful the whole time. Like fat people aren't allowed to enjoy life, they need to be ashamed.
I feel like this sometimes when people give me looks in restaurants. And I've gotten some really nasty ones. It's very deflating when you just finish making excellent choices and you eat a healthy meal and someone does that to you. It makes me feel guilty that I even ate anything, like I shouldn't be in public or I don't deserve food because of how fat I am. But that's counter productive, you HAVE to eat to live and you have to eat to lose weight. Telling me to tell them off or telling me not to mind them is good advice, but I'm not confrontational and it DOES bother me to a degree. Yes, I'll be over it soon enough but man what gives people the right to hurt you?
I just wanted someone out there to hear what these people did to my friend, who I love and doesn't deserve to have this happen to him.
But that is not my point. I have a friend. He is 6' something and weight nearly 400 lbs. I think he's a handsome boy, with bright blue eyes and blonde hair and a one sided dimple smile. If you met him you would like him. He has some hang ups and such, but he is a true friend and he loves people and art. We have been friends since I was in the 10th grade. He's an outgoing person, and he doesn't mind drawing attention to himself. He used to wear skirts to school every opportunity he got just for the shock factor. He likes to yell randomly in public and say odd things because it amuses him to no end. So it surprised me to see the effect this had on him.
So when I returned from my damaging trip to the buffet I saw him hanging his head, with the menu blocking his plate. I sat down across from him and he glanced over at the other side of the room, muttering something in his passive way. Obviously he was uncomfortable so I asked him what was up. He said that the people on the other side of the room (who were rather loud and obnoxious) had made fun of him as he returned from the buffet. They saw his plate and shouted "aaaaaaaw dang!" and kept pointing at him and laughing. That's why he was trying to cover himself up while he ate. I shot a glare over at them but they were wrapped up in their obnoxious activities. And my friend was uncomfortable the rest of the night. They never said or did anything while I, my husband and our friend (who is also overweight) were sitting there.
I just don't get why someone else would say anything about someone as loud as they could so that someone could hear. I've heard of fat shaming, I understand that people are doing it trying to get someone to lose weight. But you see my friend doesn't want to lose weight, he isn't trying to lose weight and that's his business. What he eats is his business. I think it's very rude to make fun of him for eating, especially since it was his first plate of food and he only got one thing (he's very picky but he gets a lot of the things he likes.) And he felt awful the whole time. Like fat people aren't allowed to enjoy life, they need to be ashamed.
I feel like this sometimes when people give me looks in restaurants. And I've gotten some really nasty ones. It's very deflating when you just finish making excellent choices and you eat a healthy meal and someone does that to you. It makes me feel guilty that I even ate anything, like I shouldn't be in public or I don't deserve food because of how fat I am. But that's counter productive, you HAVE to eat to live and you have to eat to lose weight. Telling me to tell them off or telling me not to mind them is good advice, but I'm not confrontational and it DOES bother me to a degree. Yes, I'll be over it soon enough but man what gives people the right to hurt you?
I just wanted someone out there to hear what these people did to my friend, who I love and doesn't deserve to have this happen to him.
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Replies
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Some peole are d#cks and deserved to have their smug looks wiped off their face. The end.0
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Some peole are d#cks and deserved to have their smug looks wiped off their face. The end.
Yep0 -
Sorry that happened to your friend. You're right, it's up to him and only him if he wants to lose weight and weird people who would say anything are weird and the ones with the problem. Hopefully your friend wasn't doing any of the weird *kitten* you described in the second paragraph and that started things down this overly attentive to him road.0
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I'm so sorry to hear about that. No matter where you are in life it can be truly shattering to have people treat you that way. Can I offer advice? My brother relayed this from his psychologist, a man who I have a great deal of respect for. If that ever happens again, walk up to the people and call them on it.
Don't scream, don't be in-their-face, but just say "hey, what you did there, is not alright. You don't have the right to treat people like that." Then you walk away. It seems counterintuitive, but it does work. Its important folks realize that these actions are not okay. It's worked wonders for my younger brother who has gotten harassed in public before (for being a '*kitten*') and had to stand up for himself. It's also worked for me. Sometimes you just need to call people on their insensitivities.
*I've found that by standing up for the people I love it does a lot to reverse the damage others can inflict.0 -
Some peole are d#cks and deserved to have their smug looks wiped off their face. The end.
Basically, this. My heart goes out to anyone who is publicly ridiculed like that.0 -
If someone gave me an "awwwwww dang!" for the mountain of food on my plate I would wear it like a badge of honor.0
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I am so sorry...I am also so tired of people being judgmental so much so I want to start just slapping people...(yes, I get the irony in there)0
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Unfortunately we live in Ohio one of the meanest and cruelest states.. I'm sorry :-/0
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If someone gave me an "awwwwww dang!" for the mountain of food on my plate I would wear it like a badge of honor.
I might make *them* wear it like one.0 -
That is completely awful.
Jebus help the person that tries to do that to me.0 -
I might try to start crying on the spot to make them feel super bad. Or I'd show them how pissed off I am and maybe throw my food at them0
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As long as we're going down that road, how about eating a few more plates and then projectile vomiting all over the miscreants?I might try to start crying on the spot to make them feel super bad. Or I'd show them how pissed off I am and maybe throw my food at them0 -
I have a bad temper and a big heart, so that wouldn't have went well. People aren't called out enough for being cruel. It's immature and stupid. I don't understand the need or want that people feel to act like that.0
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Twelve years ago, I weighed 340 pounds. I have had so many things said to me. Honestly, the way I usually dealt with it was to approach and sweetly say, "I'm sorry. Did you say something to me? I'm not sure I heard you." Most people would never repeat what they had said and may never tease someone like that again for fear of being confronted. In the end, people that say things to others feel bad about themselves and are trying to feel better by teasing others. I truly believe that.0
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I'm really sorry that happened to your friend. It's not okay. :flowerforyou:0
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He is truly blessed to have such a friend in you. I'm sorry you were both hurt in this. You be there for him, we will be here for you.... Or get him in here and we will smother him with care and support and cheers and acceptance........ Mission accepted? Go girl!0
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Terrible. Were these teenagers? In my experience, people of all ages can be cruel, but teens are the most vocal about it. I've gotten dirty looks from older women, but the only ones who have ever said anything out loud (often to their friends) were teens. I just chalk it up to serious self-esteem issues on their part, and that usually makes me feel a little better. They're trying to be cool and the only way they know how to do it is by acting like douchenozzles. Mean people suck and they always will, so we have to just try to remember that we're awesome and that mean people aren't.0
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If that ever happens again, walk up to the people and call them on it.
Don't scream, don't be in-their-face, but just say "hey, what you did there, is not alright. You don't have the right to treat people like that." Then you walk away. It seems counterintuitive, but it does work.
I like this. Do this. And I will do this if anyone I know is ever harassed around me.
Hugs for your bro0 -
We're all judgmental to some degree. I am judgmental of you: I think you are compassionate, smart and sensitive. I make this judgment based on what you've written here, and how you've written it. I don't really know you, though.
You asked why people would be mean, and what gives them the right to say mean things to you or people you care about. People are judgmental. Some people are mean. I wish there was a better explanation, but there isn't. The only control I have over this is how I react to other people. I cannot control them. Sure, I can tell them off, I can ignore them, I can confront them, I can freak out and kill them even. I can influence their future choices perhaps. But I cannot change them (even the extreme example of murder is not really changing who that person is - I've only ended their life). So I try to focus on what I can control, which is almost always exclusively me.
Based on your description of your friend (outgoing, gregarious at school) I wonder if something else is going on. As rude and mean as pointing and laughing at someone's plate of food and saying "aaaaaaaw dang!" might be, I can't imagine it's even close to the cruelest thing your friend has faced, especially if he went to school in a skirt in high school. I wonder about your statement "my friend doesn't want to lose weight." It's not that I think that's wrong - I agree that it is his business. But his reaction ("trying to cover himself up while he ate", "he felt awful the whole time") doesn't sound like someone who is OK with his weight and/or his eating habits. Maybe that's something to discuss with your friend. He might need some help there, possibly professional help (not making a diagnosis, only suggesting the possibility).
I'm sorry you and he had to go through that experience. A buffet is designed to over-indulge! I can't tell you what to do, but I can promise that you will meet more rude people in your lifetime. You do have some control over how you respond. It's up to you how much you want to ignore and how much you want to confront.0 -
you are very sweet.0
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Jumping on what eyelikepie has said. I think he may be on to something and I'll tell you a story of a high school friend of mine. He was big. He'd always been big. He was funny, he was compassionate and he was outgoing and smart and awesome. And I wish I would have said something because two years ago, on the morning of his 45th birthday, he passed away in his brother's arms after suffering a massive coronary. By the time the paramedics arrived, it was too late. It wasn't hereditary. His older brother and father had to bury him and go on living without him. I'm betting they also wished they'd said something or tried to help him lose the weight he desperately needed to lose.
Be the person your friend needs you to be and have a gentle conversation about that incident. Offer to help him be a healthier version of himself so he can go on being his wonderful self for many more years to come.0 -
I'm sorry this happened, it made me so sad to read. Some people are just jerks. Tell your friend to enjoy his egg rolls and potentially get extra so he can pitch them at people. Make sure to soak in soy sauce first. They make nice little sloppy missiles.0
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Your friend's terrible experience reminded me of this rather awesome video I watched the other day. In it, an obese man talks about the pain fat-shaming causes and "the endless cycle it creates." It's worth a watch. (Maybe your friend might like it, too.)
"Fat Shaming and Making Fun of Fat People"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54uSD67M-Zo
Hugs to both of you.0 -
See, I knew if I cam on here and told you all you would rally behind us. That's what I needed to hear, that someone else out there cares and isn't okay with this. I feel better. And my friend will always have me.
I understand people are judgmental by nature. I am guilty of this every day, I judge myself and everyone around me. Although I try not be in people's faces about my opinion and I try not to let it effect how I treat others if I can help it.
When I say my friend doesn't want to lose weight what I mean is he isn't actively trying to lose weight. Of course he wants to have a nice body but he doesn't want to go through the hassle of losing the weight. And he never complains about his size, really. You can tell he feels self conscious sometimes because of it. I have spoken to him many times over the course of my friendship because I know he isn't healthy. He lives with his mom, and they have a huge enabling/co-dependency problem. She tries to get him to be more active, such as mowing the lawn and walking his dog. She screams at him about his diet but she isn't really authoritative enough with him. His mom is diabetic and requires insulin shots and all kinds of medicine for it and other things, and he sees that. He's borderline needing it himself. Yet he still buys cases of mountain dew and other pop, pastries and junk and the like. I keep telling him that I don't want to watch him die, it would break my heart in pieces to lose him. But I can't make him, all I can do is let him know that I want him to live and be healthy. I'm hoping that if I lose a bunch of weight he'll see it can be done and he'll follow me. He doesn't have a job, and he does pretty much nothing but the internet all day long. I keep inviting him to do things with me like light yoga or a water aerobics class but for now the answer is still no. I haven't given up on him, though.
As for the people making fun of him, they seemed to be in their early to mid 20s. They were dressed kind of trashy, it was two guys wearing torn up shirts and a girl wearing a tanktop she was busting out of (and I don't mean her boobs, either.) I mean, I guess I'm judging them just by what I said just now but I didn't make fun of them.
Also he was not acting flamboyant at the time. He doesn't do so in restaurants, and he's mellowed out since high school. Now he only acts this way every once in a while.0 -
I hate when people forget everything that Mr. Rogers taught them. There's such a huge anti-bullying movement aimed toward children. But somehow, bullying seems to be sanctioned when adults treat other adults poorly. Your story makes me angry and sad, but I'm glad you shared it.0
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I have a bad temper and a big heart, so that wouldn't have went well. People aren't called out enough for being cruel. It's immature and stupid. I don't understand the need or want that people feel to act like that.
Me too. OP, I am so very sorry. SMH in disbelief.0 -
You are truly an awesome person!0
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I don't have anything to add to the above posters except that I wish that people who complain how mean and rude MFPers are would read this thread. The thoughtful, compassionate responses and suggestions for moving forward exemplify the very best of MFP.0
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I don't have anything to add to the above posters except that I wish that people who complain how mean and rude MFPers are would read this thread. The thoughtful, compassionate responses and suggestions for moving forward exemplify the very best of MFP.
I would have to agree.0 -
I feel for your friend and want to wrap him up in a big hug :-D I think it's awful that people do this kind of thing but unfortunately there are some ignorant asshats who behave this way because it is 'funny'.
I used to hate to eat in public because I felt like people were looking at me and judging me on what they were eating. It is as if people like that expect fat people to be ashamed of what they eat.
Well fk them. Your friend sounds awesome! I'm done with being ashamed and people like that making me feel bad. Idiots!!0
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