Maybe my husband is attracted to bigger women???

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  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
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    Sadly, I can relate. Intimacy dropped off after I lost weight.

    It kind of makes you a little crazy because it makes you feel conflicted. =/
  • eazy_
    eazy_ Posts: 516 Member
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    kvF3lIX.gif

    You responded to my response. Way to stay involved in your post. If you are this involved at home I'll bet you're a great wife. BTW you look fantastic, nice job.
  • doctorsookie
    doctorsookie Posts: 1,084 Member
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    If he ignores you the more you lose, I have to wonder if he's feeling insecure about you losing weight. He probably feels a little threatened that other men are noticing/commenting on your weight loss. Have you tried talking to him about it?

    I was thinking along these lines as well. He may feel like he is being left behind. Try to get him to join you in your exercise routine.
  • ElBence
    ElBence Posts: 291 Member
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    If he ignores you the more you lose, I have to wonder if he's feeling insecure about you losing weight. He probably feels a little threatened that other men are noticing/commenting on your weight loss. Have you tried talking to him about it?

    FALSE: Men don't have feelings.
  • mandasalem
    mandasalem Posts: 346 Member
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    Have you checked his internet browsing history? Does he like adult sites that cater to guys that like bigger women? If he deletes his history, try a key logger, and see what he's typing.

    Please tell me you're joking.
  • orchidmother
    orchidmother Posts: 15 Member
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    I found that when I focus less on the response of others, and more on my own progress... they are less pressured to "change" and the changes... i.e the awareness follows along nicely. My hubby has been so supportive of me. Now we actually have this little joke where he calls me if he is coming home early to give me time to "shoo away all the guys!" A little encouragement, and a lot of kind and loving humor goes a long way to airing these little issues. Be patient, Girl, you are changing and that may be a bit intimidating. Some guys are insecure and uncomfortable with change of any kind and losing weight is a profound change, at least for you. I encourage you to relish your progress, savor the victory and go buy some new clothes. You are in this for YOU! And nuzzle him a bit now and then... sometimes those little unexpected closenesses say what words can't.
  • jenniferitzep
    jenniferitzep Posts: 66 Member
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    What changes did you want him to make now that you are smaller? Have you mentioned this to him?

    honestly, i thought hed turn into the biggest pervert... i mean, for years all he has known is a 250 pound wife, and now to have a wife thas can actually look nice in clothes and wear a bathing suit, i just thought it would be exciting for him...



    maybe he don't know how to act ......he may feel like you are a different person ......not use to the change yet
  • zornig
    zornig Posts: 336 Member
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    lol, well, we have 5 kids, so... i would hope he wouldn't think that some weight loss would turn me into someone who would up and leave, and do that to our kids...

    If I thought my partner was only staying for the kids, I wouldn't be too excited either. But I agree with the other poster that perhaps you could have a conversation about it with him--hopefully he'd share his thoughts with you honestly.
  • Alta2000
    Alta2000 Posts: 655 Member
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    one of my problems with the get naked and jump on him thing is that i have very low self esteem from years of being over weight. i still lock myself in the bathroom to change, i still wear big bulky sweats and tshirts to bed... i don't even know how to seduce a man, let alone, getting naked without all the lights off and the black out curtains shut! lol

    Go to a place like Frederick's of Hollywoood, or Intimacy to get an idea, then go to Macy's, or NM last call and get some nice nighties and bras/panties. Change in the room, do not lock yourself in the bathroom. Start with the clothes first, and then slowly slowly move to the nest step. Watch shows like the Mistresses Monday nights on ABC, Sex in the City reruns, etc. It is easier than you think. Go out on a date with him. Wear makeup, indulge a little in yourself.

    I also want to add that your husband might be worried that now that you lost the weight, you might be interested in other men.
  • kwest_4_fitness
    kwest_4_fitness Posts: 819 Member
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    It's probably more that you're just now experiencing love for yourself, your new body and that boost of self-confidence we all get when we lose, whereas he's loved you from day one, no matter what. No pressing need for him to get excited over something that likely doesn't matter to him one way or the other. Doesn't mean you can't wonder what's up, just means he's got a different point of view about it all.

    To look at it another way, what if he did get all crazy excited, started jumping your bones at odd times of the day, getting really freaky. And then say you put some or all of the weight back on and suddenly, he's not so excited anymore, starts sliding back to being regular ol' loving husband with no wild passion and no shouting "look at my hot wife" to the world. That might change the way you look at the situation. Maybe consistency from husband at any weight is better than an excited husband only when you're thin.
  • KathleenKP
    KathleenKP Posts: 580 Member
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    Do you think it's possible that he doesn't want to show you how excited he is because he's afraid he may make you feel bad? Just follow my train of thought.. Lemme tell you. Guys notice, we always notice. Don't think he hasn't noticed. And don't think he doesn't like it.

    HOWEVER

    It's very possible that he doesn't want to make too big of a deal out of it because he doesn't want you to feel you were less attractive/loved/important when you were heavy. One reason for that may be because he doesn't want to make you feel less attractive to/loved by him if you gain weight again. And in his mind, the best way to show that he loves you no matter what, is by loving you no matter what and not getting too excited if your appearance changes dramatically.

    Perhaps part of it is also that he simply doesn't know how he should act around you having lost so much weight. It may warrant a casual conversation to get him thinking.

    FABULOUS post!!

    My husband has only recently started saying anything to me, and I've been getting hit on by guys for over a year now (although I rarely tell him). I think the reason why he hasn't said much is just what is written above, and now he is feeling more confident that this change is permanent.
  • gdrmuzak
    gdrmuzak Posts: 103 Member
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    Oh honey! If you aren't flaunting it and showing off your new confidence (which you should have and earned) then how is your husband supposed to act different. It's kind of the same situation. He's not jumping your bones because of the weight loss and neither are you. Go out there and buy some hot lingerie and flaunt the hell out of your body. You earned this, you both should be enjoying it!

    At least buy some cute sleep clothes. Those work well too. :)


    Well said. It seems you both have stuff to work through and maybe both of you need to discover and learn to speak each other's love languages (Chapman) because it's apparent that you have some needs that he needs to address to help. If need be, find a Christian counselor just to help acquire some communication skills to better connect emotionally.

    I would also encourage you to keep fighting for your marriage and marriage bed. Reading some of the other posts...YES, get away, just the two of you withOUT kids...laugh together, cry together, find an activity for just the two of you to connect emotionally, and make a lot of "jungle noises" together...raise the roof!!!

    I have a hard enough time with 3 boys two grades apart in both directions and all play(ed)ing multiple sports, instruments and church, so I can't imagine having five.

    Stay strong and keep doing the right things!
  • dgagnon62
    dgagnon62 Posts: 12
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    There was one point when I lost weight(not this time, but previous) and my husband seemed like this too........when I finally got to the bottom of it, he told me that he didn't want to treat me different because then it would seem like he liked me better skinny, so he tried to treat me the same, but it came off like he was ignoring me......It wasn't that he loved me any more skinny.....

    This time, since we talked, he is all over me! I love it! He just told me that he doesn't love me any more or less, he loves me the same, but he loves how I feel about losing weight! He comes over and tells me how proud he is about keeping the weight off, etc....so much different from before, but nothing was the different, except he didn't want to hurt my feelings the first time.

    Maybe that is what your hubby is doing, if he acts like he likes you this way, he might offend the heavier you......just a thought.....you look great! I friended you and hope you pick me up! :wink:
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
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    AAAHHH, I get it now. YOU DO NOT FEEL SEXY.

    I would suggest starting out by getting some sexy panties from Victoria Secret. You can get 5 or 26 dollars. And buy one good bra that is pretty. Start by wearing those under your clothes and feeling the sexy for yourself. You do not need to show it off to him, just start feeling it for you.

    It may take a little time, then again, maybe not. But throw away all your non pretty panties and bring sexy back.

    A little secret, men mellow with age when it comes to the sex/perv thing. There is not as much testosterone as there used to be flowing through their veins. I used to take it VERY personal but I know it is not. My husband is closing in on 50, he does not have the same sex drive as when we first met. I equated his sex drive with love and it took me about 10 years to realize this is not the case.

    You are incredibly beautiful and and most importantly healthy looking. Stop with the wearing of the sweats to bed and put something cute on, even if you wear a robe until you slide into bed. Use a candle if you are scared of light, but make sure he can see what you have on. I am willing to bet if you bring the freak on, it will bring the freak out. :wink:
  • retirehappy
    retirehappy Posts: 4,752 Member
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    Have the two of you taken a break from the kids? Get way, either an over nighter or a long dinner date if that isn't possible. So he can meet the new you. The only way you will know what is going on with him is if you talk to him about it in neutral territory. Let him know how you feel about the new you and what you want the future to be like (happy, healthy, fit, energized, etc.)

    My husband actually prefers thinner women but he loves me when I am thin and he loves me when I am fat, like I am now. We have been together almost 40 yrs now. He watches his weight and just doesn't allow himself to get fat, his mom's influence. He realizes I am just not wired that way. He loves me, the body wrapped around my inner self just isn't that important to him.

    Yes, I am very lucky!

    no, I don't know if we have ever had a night away from the kids... would be nice...

    Oh that is so sad. Maybe you can find another couple who need to do the samething? Arrange to watch each others kids each couple can go out alone from time to time.

    Remember at some point they will all be grown up and moved out, you want to still know your husband and for him to know you. He is the one you will spend the rest of your days with, not the children they will move away and have children of their own and ask Mom and Dad if they can watch their kids so they can have Date Night.

    You and your husband deserve it.
  • learnerdriver
    learnerdriver Posts: 298 Member
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    It may simply be that he's given you enough praise, in his mind, but not in yours.

    It just sounds like you need date night to reconnect and for sex to be initiated by you. I kind of disagree about the lingerie, as my DH has pissed himself laughing at some of the gear I've worn (it is so not romantic to be called a red fluffy chicken)-sometimes it's as simple as leaving your bed in some nice undies or inviting him into the shower with you.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    It may simply be that he's given you enough praise, in his mind, but not in yours.

    It just sounds like you need date night to reconnect and for sex to be initiated by you. I kind of disagree about the lingerie, as my DH has pissed himself laughing at some of the gear I've worn (it is so not romantic to be called a red fluffy chicken)-sometimes it's as simple as leaving your bed in some nice undies or inviting him into the shower with you.
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: i'm dying!
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
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    This is the worst place to get the answer...talk to him...the answers here will range from him being insecure to jealousy..bleh bleh...All men do not want thin women..it may be a simple answer..simply talk to him and explain your reasons for getting fit and maybe you can do this together for health reasons as a couple/family.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I hope things improve for you. Have you tried talking to him and expressing your desire for more intimacy/romance. I think you look fantastic! Congrats on an incredible weight loss! Good for you!
  • beautifulwarrior18
    beautifulwarrior18 Posts: 914 Member
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    This is probably a conversation you should be having with your husband about why he isn't giving you the response you were expecting. Tell him you want him to be proud of you for making a decision to make yourself healthier so you both can live a longer, healthier life together.

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