Was independent, now home with a sabotaging mum, help?

Buy your own groceries and cook your own meals.

This. You've offered to cook, and she didn't seem to take you up on it. I'd buy your own groceries, and just cook something healthy. Make something that makes good leftovers. You can offer her some, and if she wants her own meal, just put the rest in the fridge for the next day.

Buy your own groceries and cook your own meals.

This. You've offered to cook, and she didn't seem to take you up on it. I'd buy your own groceries, and just cook something healthy. Make something that makes good leftovers. You can offer her some, and if she wants her own meal, just put the rest in the fridge for the next day.

^^^This^^^ I moved back home recently, so I know. You are still in control of what you eat. You don't have to eat what she (and the rest of your family eats.) It's only a problem if you let it be.

I agree with the others, buy and cook your own food. It's really the only way to control what you want to control.

I love my mum but it's hard to cope with control being taken from you and having someone who's not supportive or helpful.

This bit.... stop and think for a moment. You have moved back home, your mum's home, full of the joys of having got to grips. But what about your mum? Her control?

Remember she is you mum, used to cooking for you, cleaning for you, thinking for you.... you have moved back all changed and partly grown up - I say that tapping 50 years old and still a child in my parents eyes. How supportive or helpful do you think she feels you are? Are you accidentally, in your quest to remain in control, ignoring your mum's needs, maybe making her feel wrong/bad?

Buy it and cook it for yourself. Offer to cook for two. But please do remember that the problems you have outlined go two ways... and your mum hasn't changed, you have!

I warn you though - no matter how successful you are your mum will never, ever, ever see you as a fully functioning adult. And if you call her on it she will get all hurt and defensive. But, just before your head explodes and you stand up for yourself it is always useful to remember - that's her job, she's your mum! And everyone elses mum does a version of it.

As Larkin wrote: This Be the Verse [edited to be polite ]

They [screw] you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were [screwed] up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

This is not sabotage. She cooks the food. She doesn't make you eat the food.

Maybe you should adjust your calorie goal if you're always hungry.

^^^ This!

The only way someone can sabotage you is if they sat on your chest and forced food into your mouth. You really don't have the right to expect someone else to change their eating habits because you are.

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

and due to being very short (under 5ft) i have to eat less than 'average' people

How can i deal with this or get through to her to help me?

First - NO. I am under 5ft tall I also have a thyroid issue and still eat 1500 calories a day and lose weight so ... just NO. You do not need to eat less than an averager person to lose weight.

How do you deal with this? 700 calories is not over the top, if you eat a normal amount of food than its no big deal, my dinners are generally 900 - 1000 calories. However being as your mom is taking care of the food, what if you were to only eat half of what ever it is you are eating and add a salad with grilled chicken or something filling?

Sit her down and just tell her "mom I appreciate you cooking for me but let me help, I will prepare the sides or the main dish. If she doesn't like that option just don't eat it. Buy and cook your own food if you have to, but I have found offering to help make dinner is a big thing. I spend a lot of time at my moms (my choice) she always cooks and she is a good cook, she has learned I eat half. Some days I send her recipes and say "hey next time I am home lets make this together!" majority of the recipes I have sent her have no become a regular part of her daily meals.

There are tons of ways to get things to change. However; your mom is not sabotaging you, she is simply cooking food.

Let her read your post. Maybe she won't listen to you if you sit her down, but maybe her reading what you wrote in a question for help will get it thru to her. I know that would be easier said then done, but maybe you could even let her read it and tell her it's someone else, not you, see what she says.

Eat what she cooks. Two words here - portion control.

If you don't feel you can buy/cook all of your own meals, how about just some of them? Can you choose your own breakfast / lunch / snacks and then eat the family meal for dinner (but eat smaller amounts to keep your calories down?) Exercise 30 minutes more to burn any extra from the dinner she makes?

I'm 50 years old and live with my mother half the time. I eat what she makes for dinner, and just count the calories and make it fit.

What everyone else has said -- buy your own groceries (with your own money that you earn yourself) and cook your own meals. For the sake of domestic tranquility, you might eat before she prepares dinner and let her know ahead of time that you're still pretty full, but will happily sit with her at the table for the company and take a few token bites of her "delicious comfort food." Or make a big salad to accompany her meal and load your own plate up with that at dinnertime, but leave room for the token bites. A tenth of a serving of pasta is not going to make you fat, but will go a long way at expressing appreciation for her effort.

I think you've gotten some good advice here, and you seem to be receiving it well and thoughtfully. That's good. I have some more, which you may or may not like, but I hope you'll read it all the way through. So you will report me if you think I'm a meanie for saying this, but really... I'm not a meanie, I'm a mom. I'm going to share a little insight from a similar story. Here is what I read in your initial post and a subsequent one.

Dear Mum,
I've left college and come back to live in your house and eat your food. But your food isn't good enough for me. You are sabotaging my chosen lifestyle by taking control away from me. I love you, but you are not supportive or helpful enough. By the way, you have problems. You would be so much better off if you'd just listen to me.
Love,
Precious

Yup, I can see why she would get upset or annoyed if you said that to her, which I gather you have the good sense not to, which is good.

My son moved back home to be a commuter student after a couple years out of state, which was unexpected but welcomed. I love and treasure him, but if he were ever to complain about my cooking, I would tell him to take responsibility for his own meals. He is not a child; he's an adult, fully capable of providing for himself. If he wants food supplied by me, he eats what I supply.

What I supply is often takeout, because while he was away, I filled my "empty nest" with other obligations. My entire life had revolved around raising him, and I needed to find other things to do with my time. I went from part time to full time at work, I got involved with multiple local volunteer groups, I made a whole new circle of friends. It was a busy life that kept me from obsessing and hovering over him from a distance.

And then suddenly there was another person in the house again, a person who was even dependent on me for a ride to and from school until he got his own car. A person whose mere presence placed demands on my time, and whose presence at the dinner table meant extra dishes and a more complicated meal than I would bother to prepare for myself. A person who was the center of my life for 18 years and whom I changed my life again to accommodate, because I love him endlessly.

This is my second weight loss rodeo in the past few years. I had lost about 30 pounds from the time he left until the time he returned. I gained it all back in the following year. Not just because of his return, but it was definitely a contributing factor. With someone else in the home, common courtesy requires a somewhat different lifestyle than the one I was keeping alone.

Happily, he's a pretty independent young man. He holds down a job, buys a fair amount of groceries (for the household), prepares his own breakfast and lunch, and occasionally cooks dinner for us both before I get home from work -- for which I'm grateful because he's a pretty darned good cook and I'm a pretty busy working mom. In general, we get along fantastically because we communicate well and are considerate of each other's time and space. I think the world of him and respect him as the adult he's become.

I don't really need to know your "details/full situation." What you've said here speaks volumes, and the details don't really matter in a situation that's emotionally charged and complicated for both of you. Please look at it from her perspective. It's not all about you. She's not sabotaging you, even unintentionally. She's trying to cope with a life change -- whether it's one that brought you back as a dependent or as a caregiver, it's a big change in her life as well as yours. Instead of lecturing her about your food choices, go out and make them for yourself. You're not a child anymore. You control what you eat. And she's under no obligation to "be a little mindful" of what you want. You want it, you make it happen. You can work it out with her; just acknowledge her efforts in the process.

And for heaven's sake, don't try to control her. That way lies madness, failure, and tears. I'd suggest you work on living your own life as an example. If she sees it working for you, sees your results and how much more energy you have, et cetera, she may decide to try it. If not, that is her choice, and it would be presumptuous to think you can or should change her. Again, her perspective... She wiped your butt for a year or two. She raised you, and obviously she did a pretty competent job of it -- because here you are, a lovely and thoughtful young woman working to take personal responsibility for your own life and body. From her perspective, she's done a lot of things right. To walk in now and tell her that she's #doingitwrong is, perhaps, what one would expect in the early teen years.

Good luck. Relating to a parent on an adult level takes time, adjustment, and patience. On both your parts.

and to those saying i'm changing my eating habits and it's not fair on my mum, my mum's been told by the dr to go to the gym etc so i'm also thinking it would be best for her, as she's unhappy too. which isn't very good "/ i want her to be happy with herself again

Which is very admirable, but I am here to tell you that it is a rare person that will choose to start a healthier lifestyle if they even think they are being pushed or maneuvered into it. Even simple encouragement from you is likely to backfire. Doctors can do it, sometimes, but the person's kid? Usually the person will go the other direction even more.

Best thing you can do here is to stick to your healthy lifestyle and be happy with it. If you set an example and don't try to encourage your mother to follow, she might actually do what you're hoping for and follow suit.

I'm in a bit of the same situation at the moment with a family member. Really hoping he gets on the bandwagon, and he has started to make comments that indicate he's thinking about it, but if I push in even the most subtle way, it's over.