Was independent, now home with a sabotaging mum, help?

If you don't feel you can buy/cook all of your own meals, how about just some of them? Can you choose your own breakfast / lunch / snacks and then eat the family meal for dinner (but eat smaller amounts to keep your calories down?) Exercise 30 minutes more to burn any extra from the dinner she makes?

I'm 50 years old and live with my mother half the time. I eat what she makes for dinner, and just count the calories and make it fit.

What everyone else has said -- buy your own groceries (with your own money that you earn yourself) and cook your own meals. For the sake of domestic tranquility, you might eat before she prepares dinner and let her know ahead of time that you're still pretty full, but will happily sit with her at the table for the company and take a few token bites of her "delicious comfort food." Or make a big salad to accompany her meal and load your own plate up with that at dinnertime, but leave room for the token bites. A tenth of a serving of pasta is not going to make you fat, but will go a long way at expressing appreciation for her effort.

I think you've gotten some good advice here, and you seem to be receiving it well and thoughtfully. That's good. I have some more, which you may or may not like, but I hope you'll read it all the way through. So you will report me if you think I'm a meanie for saying this, but really... I'm not a meanie, I'm a mom. I'm going to share a little insight from a similar story. Here is what I read in your initial post and a subsequent one.

Dear Mum,
I've left college and come back to live in your house and eat your food. But your food isn't good enough for me. You are sabotaging my chosen lifestyle by taking control away from me. I love you, but you are not supportive or helpful enough. By the way, you have problems. You would be so much better off if you'd just listen to me.
Love,
Precious

Yup, I can see why she would get upset or annoyed if you said that to her, which I gather you have the good sense not to, which is good.

My son moved back home to be a commuter student after a couple years out of state, which was unexpected but welcomed. I love and treasure him, but if he were ever to complain about my cooking, I would tell him to take responsibility for his own meals. He is not a child; he's an adult, fully capable of providing for himself. If he wants food supplied by me, he eats what I supply.

What I supply is often takeout, because while he was away, I filled my "empty nest" with other obligations. My entire life had revolved around raising him, and I needed to find other things to do with my time. I went from part time to full time at work, I got involved with multiple local volunteer groups, I made a whole new circle of friends. It was a busy life that kept me from obsessing and hovering over him from a distance.

And then suddenly there was another person in the house again, a person who was even dependent on me for a ride to and from school until he got his own car. A person whose mere presence placed demands on my time, and whose presence at the dinner table meant extra dishes and a more complicated meal than I would bother to prepare for myself. A person who was the center of my life for 18 years and whom I changed my life again to accommodate, because I love him endlessly.

This is my second weight loss rodeo in the past few years. I had lost about 30 pounds from the time he left until the time he returned. I gained it all back in the following year. Not just because of his return, but it was definitely a contributing factor. With someone else in the home, common courtesy requires a somewhat different lifestyle than the one I was keeping alone.

Happily, he's a pretty independent young man. He holds down a job, buys a fair amount of groceries (for the household), prepares his own breakfast and lunch, and occasionally cooks dinner for us both before I get home from work -- for which I'm grateful because he's a pretty darned good cook and I'm a pretty busy working mom. In general, we get along fantastically because we communicate well and are considerate of each other's time and space. I think the world of him and respect him as the adult he's become.

I don't really need to know your "details/full situation." What you've said here speaks volumes, and the details don't really matter in a situation that's emotionally charged and complicated for both of you. Please look at it from her perspective. It's not all about you. She's not sabotaging you, even unintentionally. She's trying to cope with a life change -- whether it's one that brought you back as a dependent or as a caregiver, it's a big change in her life as well as yours. Instead of lecturing her about your food choices, go out and make them for yourself. You're not a child anymore. You control what you eat. And she's under no obligation to "be a little mindful" of what you want. You want it, you make it happen. You can work it out with her; just acknowledge her efforts in the process.

And for heaven's sake, don't try to control her. That way lies madness, failure, and tears. I'd suggest you work on living your own life as an example. If she sees it working for you, sees your results and how much more energy you have, et cetera, she may decide to try it. If not, that is her choice, and it would be presumptuous to think you can or should change her. Again, her perspective... She wiped your butt for a year or two. She raised you, and obviously she did a pretty competent job of it -- because here you are, a lovely and thoughtful young woman working to take personal responsibility for your own life and body. From her perspective, she's done a lot of things right. To walk in now and tell her that she's #doingitwrong is, perhaps, what one would expect in the early teen years.

Good luck. Relating to a parent on an adult level takes time, adjustment, and patience. On both your parts.

and to those saying i'm changing my eating habits and it's not fair on my mum, my mum's been told by the dr to go to the gym etc so i'm also thinking it would be best for her, as she's unhappy too. which isn't very good "/ i want her to be happy with herself again

Which is very admirable, but I am here to tell you that it is a rare person that will choose to start a healthier lifestyle if they even think they are being pushed or maneuvered into it. Even simple encouragement from you is likely to backfire. Doctors can do it, sometimes, but the person's kid? Usually the person will go the other direction even more.

Best thing you can do here is to stick to your healthy lifestyle and be happy with it. If you set an example and don't try to encourage your mother to follow, she might actually do what you're hoping for and follow suit.

I'm in a bit of the same situation at the moment with a family member. Really hoping he gets on the bandwagon, and he has started to make comments that indicate he's thinking about it, but if I push in even the most subtle way, it's over.

Hi:

I live with my mom, I'm her caregiver now -- she has developed dementia, so there are ongoing struggles for control around food. I prepare the meals and she changes what she will and won't eat frequently, so I have to constantly accomodate that. As well, I'm a vegetarian and she's not. Then there's the fact that she has a personality disorder on top of that. We are in constant "negotiations" about food.

You've got some good advice here, but with all due respect , people are only able to offer opinions based on their own experiences. I don't think anyone has considered whether your mom might have a personality disorder or control issues. If she does, then you will simply have to find a way to accomodate her (by threatening her as little as possible) while maintaining your goals. I think someone mentioned making a big salad and filling up on that while taking very small portions of some of your mom's foods. If you cook, or want to learn, how about getting your mom to teach you a few of her dishes and then making them over to be lower fat and have healthier ingredients? If it's pasta,for example. make a classic tomato sauce and add plenty of veggies like onions, green pepper, zucchinni, olives etc. You'll find a function on MFP where you can enter all the ingredients, save the recipe, and discover what size portion you're allowed. Your mom can eat more.

And I do make room for the fact that your mom might be trying to sabotage you because your healthy changes threaten her in some way. Really, you are the one in the situation-- you know your mom best and you are the only one that can make that determination. Be strong, and the best of luck to you, and a hug to you as a caring daughter.

So, as a person in this EXACT situation, I am reading some posts here and worry you're getting ignorant responses.

No. Buying your own food doesn't often help. Now you just have a surplus of food, and when mom offers to cook something unhealthy, and you say "I have my own food" you're gonna get the same upset response as if you didn't. I would definitely suggest against that.

What I did was sit my mom down (I moved in with her 'cuz she couldn't live on her own financially) and said "Mom, I'm going to start eating healthier," and she complained that she was going to now starve because of me. I said that wouldn't happen.

My best advice is to do portion control. Try to sway mom towards healthy food and subtlety is often the key here I've noticed, but if she does want to cook and it's unhealthy and fattening, just get a decent portion (not too small after all) and eat slowly, so your body registers when you're properly full. It's definitely helped me when I come home from work and mom has made something ridiculous with brownies.