Boyfriend frustrations!

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  • ajaxe432
    ajaxe432 Posts: 608 Member
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    Thankfully science has made boyfriends almost completely obsolete. Just switch teams ;p
    :sad:
  • ajaxe432
    ajaxe432 Posts: 608 Member
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    These are some signs of co-dependent behavior [from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/04/signs-of-codependence-codependent-behavior/]

    • Taking responsibility for someone else’s actions
    • Worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems
    • Trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone
    • Covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices
    • Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval
    • Feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs
    • Manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value
    • Being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved
    • In a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect
    • Life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to do”)
    • Enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent
    • Neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves

    Exactly! And we all know it's just one small step from the terrible co-dependency demonstrated by asking someone to exercise, to spousal abuse. Get out now, OP!

    Wait. Is this perhaps a bit of an overreaction?
    Haha, was thinking the same!
  • BikerGirlElaine
    BikerGirlElaine Posts: 1,631 Member
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    Oh yeah, my guy is like that too. Let it go. Focus on your own life.
  • Amor
    Amor Posts: 61 Member
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    Thankfully science has made boyfriends almost completely obsolete. Just switch teams ;p

    hey this is midseason, how about following the rules and offering trade scenarios or wait till they hit the waiver wire

    lol okay fine. So send them all to the pool and let whatever girl's crazy enough to pick them have them- keeping in mind they're free agents for a reason.
  • BrunetteRunner87
    BrunetteRunner87 Posts: 591 Member
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    I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I'm slightly active and my bf is mostly sedentary, plays a lot of games, etc., has been like that most of his life, was fit for a couple years in his late 20s, but has returned to his old ways, although not as bad, since we've been together. Sometimes he will go to the gym and lift on his own on his day off or with a friend, but not often, maybe once every one or two weeks. He doesn't make much effort to eat healthy.

    Does he complain about his weight? Yes. Do I worry about his health? Yes. Would it be nice to have someone to run with? Yes.

    I have the most luck with asking him if he wants to do things with me, like a hobby we can do together. Sometimes he will go for walks, a lot of times he will say no. I've gotten him to do couch to 5k with me a couple times, because I framed it as something we can do together, but often there's an excuse about why he doesn't want to. When I go to the gym, sometimes I ask if he wants to go too, and sometimes he will. Usually I have the best luck on his days off.

    Otherwise, I just have to accept that he doesn't want to do it, and that's all I can do. Aside from asking him to do things with me, and trying to pick healthier restaurant choices, I can't suggest he do something, that's up to him.
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
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    lol okay fine. So send them all to the pool and let whatever girl's crazy enough to pick them have them- keeping in mind they're free agents for a reason.

    can i watch?
  • KarlyK929
    KarlyK929 Posts: 44 Member
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    A few ideas:

    First, sit him down and have a serious conversation with him about this. Basically, tell him exactly what you told us. Tell him that you worry about his health in the long run and want to have a long future with him. Tell him that it frustrates you when he says he will go on a walk with you but then doesn't. Let him know that you won't be asking him about it again, but if he wants to join you he is more than welcome. Also, let him know that you don't want to hear him complaining about his weight if he's not willing to do anything to change it. He may not even realize he's doing these things that upset you, so you need to let him know.

    After you do that, stop asking him to go with you to do anything exercise related. Find a friend, a dog, put in headphones, whatever you need to do to keep yourself motivated and going, but don't depend on him to be your workout buddy. Maybe a quick "Going on a walk, be back later," as you're walking out the door or nothing at all, and that's it. Make this about you, and not about him.

    Hopefully, he will come around and see all the benefits you're reaping from the lifestyle change, plus he will know that you're worried about him and will want to ease your mind (if he cares about your feelings). If he doesn't, you may need to reevaluate your relationship.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
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    Do people actually get relationship advice from strangers on the internet?
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    The next time he complains about his appearance, tell him you don't want to hear about it unless he's going to do something about it, then don't bring it up again. Go for your walk and let him do his thing. If he wants it, he'll do it. Peiod.

    And if you want to talk SO frustrations, I guarantee yours is WAY down the list of things to be bothered by.
  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
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    A few ideas:

    First, sit him down and have a serious conversation with him about this. Basically, tell him exactly what you told us. Tell him that you worry about his health in the long run and want to have a long future with him. Tell him that it frustrates you when he says he will go on a walk with you but then doesn't. Let him know that you won't be asking him about it again, but if he wants to join you he is more than welcome. Also, let him know that you don't want to hear him complaining about his weight if he's not willing to do anything to change it. He may not even realize he's doing these things that upset you, so you need to let him know.

    After you do that, stop asking him to go with you to do anything exercise related. Find a friend, a dog, put in headphones, whatever you need to do to keep yourself motivated and going, but don't depend on him to be your workout buddy. Maybe a quick "Going on a walk, be back later," as you're walking out the door or nothing at all, and that's it. Make this about you, and not about him.

    Hopefully, he will come around and see all the benefits you're reaping from the lifestyle change, plus he will know that you're worried about him and will want to ease your mind (if he cares about your feelings). If he doesn't, you may need to reevaluate your relationship.

    ^ This is the best advice in this whole thread. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change; the only thing you can do is tell them how their behavior makes you feel, and how you will act based on what they do.
  • chancock6
    chancock6 Posts: 87
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    Let him be. If you can shrug it off, just continue doing it. I assume he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. A lot of girls I know are invasive like that. Let him do what he wants. If his lifestyle disgusts you or annoys you, leave him. You can't force someone to change. It sounds like you guys aren't living together or anything. If it bothers you this much already, I'd nip the relationship in the bud if you're unhappy.

    Also, talk to him and not us.
  • TheDoctorDana
    TheDoctorDana Posts: 595 Member
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    video games. pfff great catch there.

    I'd take the guy who plays video games over someone who judges someone for playing video games any day of the week. But then my husband and I play everyday. We're goofing our way through Dragon's Crown right now.

    OP leave that man the hell alone. Either accept him as you found him or find someone else; he is under no obligation to change just because you choose to change. who he was used to be good enough and its not his fault it isn't anymore because you're the one changing the status quo.


    The family that plays together, stays together :bigsmile: My husband and I are goofing our way through SWTOR. Game on!!! :drinker:
  • ConnorLynne65
    ConnorLynne65 Posts: 91 Member
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    My advice is " attraction rather than promotion" you do your thing and do it for you. YOU eat healthy YOU go work out YOU lose weight and strengthen your body YOU sleep better from being healthy YOU enjoy all the benefits of taking care of yourself. YOU let him do whatever he wants and YOU can break up with him if you get fed up with his life choices, that happens. Either he will see the benefits of what you are doing and make his own independent decision to get healthy in his own way and join you in your pursuit of health or he wont, and will continue to do what he does. either way you have to accept that no matter how you put it you are asking someone to do something that they dont want to do so STOP. asking once is ok but asking more than once is nagging thats the rule of thumb.
  • xxghost
    xxghost Posts: 4,697 Member
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    Do people actually get relationship advice from strangers on the internet?

    Yes. Sometimes an outside perspective from someone who has been in a similar situation can really help matters.
    Obviously, not all internet advice should be followed. But suggestions from a person with no personal ties to the issue can help a person think more clearly.
  • worthyglo
    worthyglo Posts: 3
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    Congratulations for living an active lifestyle. Get out there and meet some new friends that are active too. Try meetup.com to find a group of people who like to take walks or hikes. Make sure you always invite your boyfriend along, but only once. Then kiss him goodbye on your way out the door. You can only control one person in a relationship and that person is you. That's why everyone is suggesting ways for YOU to act instead of telling you how to get your boyfriend to do something. The best part of your post is that he is your "boyfriend" and not your "husband."
  • themtron
    themtron Posts: 57 Member
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    ...having to hear him complain about his appearance is a little tiring...

    ...

    Should I just let it go?

    Or tell him to STFU when he starts complaining about his figure?

    I don't necessarily disagree with the other advice, but no one should have to listen to a man complain about his figure.

    This! That has to be annoying as hell to listen to, so I'd just tell him if he's not willing to work for the body he wants, you're not going to listen to complaints. Otherwise, just keep doing what you are doing for yourself. It's nice you want to help him, you seem like a great GF, but ultimately, he's got to want to help himself.
  • chancock6
    chancock6 Posts: 87
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    video games. pfff great catch there.

    I'd take the guy who plays video games over someone who judges someone for playing video games any day of the week. But then my husband and I play everyday. We're goofing our way through Dragon's Crown right now.

    OP leave that man the hell alone. Either accept him as you found him or find someone else; he is under no obligation to change just because you choose to change. who he was used to be good enough and its not his fault it isn't anymore because you're the one changing the status quo.


    The family that plays together, stays together :bigsmile: My husband and I are goofing our way through SWTOR. Game on!!! :drinker:


    OMG! I love SWTOR! Coolest couple on the planet! :flowerforyou:
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    A few ideas:

    First, sit him down and have a serious conversation with him about this. Basically, tell him exactly what you told us. Tell him that you worry about his health in the long run and want to have a long future with him. Tell him that it frustrates you when he says he will go on a walk with you but then doesn't. Let him know that you won't be asking him about it again, but if he wants to join you he is more than welcome. Also, let him know that you don't want to hear him complaining about his weight if he's not willing to do anything to change it. He may not even realize he's doing these things that upset you, so you need to let him know.

    After you do that, stop asking him to go with you to do anything exercise related. Find a friend, a dog, put in headphones, whatever you need to do to keep yourself motivated and going, but don't depend on him to be your workout buddy. Maybe a quick "Going on a walk, be back later," as you're walking out the door or nothing at all, and that's it. Make this about you, and not about him.

    Hopefully, he will come around and see all the benefits you're reaping from the lifestyle change, plus he will know that you're worried about him and will want to ease your mind (if he cares about your feelings). If he doesn't, you may need to reevaluate your relationship.
    I agree with this, even the hardest part on reevaluating the relationship. Sorry you are frustrated.
  • ajaxe432
    ajaxe432 Posts: 608 Member
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    video games. pfff great catch there.

    I'd take the guy who plays video games over someone who judges someone for playing video games any day of the week. But then my husband and I play everyday. We're goofing our way through Dragon's Crown right now.

    OP leave that man the hell alone. Either accept him as you found him or find someone else; he is under no obligation to change just because you choose to change. who he was used to be good enough and its not his fault it isn't anymore because you're the one changing the status quo.


    The family that plays together, stays together :bigsmile: My husband and I are goofing our way through SWTOR. Game on!!! :drinker:


    OMG! I love SWTOR! Coolest couple on the planet! :flowerforyou:
    haha before I stopped playing, that was the last game I played! When it first came out:)
  • Stephon90
    Stephon90 Posts: 3
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    Best advise I can give is do you. If you want to maintain a healthy lifestyle then do just that. You can't make a person do anything they don't won't to. I suggest you keep pushing on and reach your goal because action speak louder than words.

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