How should I feel??????
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Your feelings are your feelings. You know best because you are in this relationship. I think you have questioned yourself for a long time but now you need to just be yourself....your WONDERFUL self. I agree with some of the others who posted that it is time for you to have a long talk with him about how you feel and about where your relationship is headed. Personally I would not choose to be married to someone who was psychologically abusive. But it is your relationship and you must decide what you need for it to be.
I also agree the silent treatment doesn't work.
If my fiance had done what your husband did by choosing the clothes and telling me to look my best only to insult me I would have not only told him to F off but I would have refused to attend the wedding with him. He could go by his own sorry *kitten*. But that is just me.
Hang in there wonderful lady and know that you are doing great things with your life. If he can't handle it then maybe it is time to revisit the relationship. Hugs to you.0 -
What he said was totally inappropriate! I would have reacted the same way. That being said, is there something else going on between you two or is he always that way? It sounds like he is just a d*****bag and undeserving of someone like you. I had an ex that made remarks like that when I was a healthy weight and in shape, he once said "You're pretty but you're no super model." Comments like that are unnecessary and psychologically abusive. I wouldn't stand for it. Maybe ask him what he meant by "room for improvement"... I bet you could do well by losing a bald 250 pounds...0
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It sounds like he is becoming vey insecure because you look hot and from how you describe him ... not so much. I am thinking that his comment about you being a 7 - 7 1/2 with room for improvement might have been pretty accurate ... he might have been thinking that you were a 10 but by having him standing next to you, you lost 3 or so points. maybe the "room for improvement" was all about who is on your arm.
I will tell you this though, get on your relationship right away. If you and your husband are having issues and resentments, the silent treatment is not going to fix those issues, only make them worse. Before you know it, years will pass and you will wake up one day realizing how lonely and resentful you really are. You cannot get those years back. So get busy working on it.0 -
Sounds like insecurity to me. You've achieved something he cannot, and subconsciously (or maybe consciously) he doesn't want you feeling like you are better than him.0
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your quote on your profile says it all ...and staying with that schmuck your watching your MR RIGHT pass you by....you deserve much better....in life...let some other chic frost his poptart...you can do better by yourself working at a grocery store....0
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You should get a young Breezy to be your side piece0
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I think you look great and should be very proud of your accomplishment. I am sorry your husband is an idiot- did you know that going in? If this is recurring behavior I would seriously reconsider the relationship.0
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I would say you have every right to be angry with him. But it does sound like he isn't handling your losing weight very good. He is feeling bad about himself and you are doing it without him. He is probably very jealous. That is something he has to get over. I hope you guys can work it out. You need to have a serious talk with him and let him know to knock it off the attitude and get some help...he can't go on treating you that way.
and WOW! you look great, if you would have asked me , I would have said a 10 or 11...0 -
I'm sorry.
I think you should feel slightly sorry for him because my guess is he was projecting his inner insecurities about himself onto you. He must be so jealous watching you transform while he stays like he is. Again, I'm sorry....I bet you looked AMAZIMG! 0 -
You held your tongue much better than I would have. Regardless, not only was his comment disrespectful and inappropriate, his behavior afterward has been as well. And apparently all during your journey to lose the weight. Come things like eating a whole box of pop tarts in front of you. Even if he is insecure that is no excuse to treat you that badly. I would have been hurt and embarrassed for him acting that way. Maybe it is time to reassess the relationship to get things back on track.0
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You should feel bad...for him. He is very insecure and he is trying to project those feelings onto you for his lack of...whatever.
You look fabulous, you should feel fabulous! Try not to let his words/actions get to you, if that type of behavior continues consider losing 250 more pounds...your husband.0 -
This^. i have a feeling he had already decided to put you down before he even asked you to dress up for the gathering.Sounds like insecurity to me. You've achieved something he cannot, and subconsciously (or maybe consciously) he doesn't want you feeling like you are better than him.0 -
Absolutely awful. I sit at home at almost 250 pounds in sweat pants, no makeup and a baggy shirt with my hair up and my husband constantly tells me I'm beautiful.
There are some SERIOUS problems if he says ANYTHING like that to you.
Counseling is definitely needed.
He has no right to treat you like that, and he is absolutely out of line.
If counseling doesn't turn him around, leave.0 -
He sounds more like a real weiner to me. Also a 3 on a scale of 1-10. *HUGS*Sounds like he's a real winner...0
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You should feel exactly as you do, and maybe take it a step further to consider that he likely made those remarks out of feeling insecure about his own image. Instead of tearing each other down and (sorry) being childish, maybe you could talk to him calmly and let him know (with your words) that you were hurt by his comment, you would like his support- and maybe even some praise- and ask him what you can do to support him in his needs.
Just a thought- you obviously love him.... show it. He'll likely respond more positively.
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I have several thoughts on this post, and please, take what you like and leave the rest as far as my opinion goes.
1. The very notion that you had to "step it up a notch (or whatever your wording was)" to go to an event with him is a load of garbage. Now, of course we want our spouse/partner to look hot when we go out with them. But who on earth tells their spouse/partner that they need to do this???
2. Him picking out your clothing is an absolute insult. Now if you come out with two outfits and say "which do you like best" then be prepared for him to level an opinion. I'm okay with that. But otherwise, I suspect you're old enough to know what looks good and what's appropriate for certain events. If you came out in a tube top and Daisy Duke shorts I guess I could see him saying something if you were headed to a formal wedding. Otherwise, he needs to let you pick your own clothing based on what's going to make YOU feel good about YOU. Not HIM feel good about YOU.
3. If you know he tends to make these ridiculous comments about your appearance, quit asking him how you look. It's like going to a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread. You are never going to find what you're looking for from someone like him.
4. He is very insecure about your weight loss and his perception appears to be that suddenly you are going to be looking elsewhere because you have more "options" now that you've lost weight. So he needs to knock you down a notch to remind you that you should stick with what you have. Another direct insult that implies that you couldn't attract another man when you were heavier. A load of cr@p. You could have. You chose to be with him, just like you're choosing to be with him now also. A reminder that you've been with him all this time not because of a lack of alternatives, but your sincere desire to be with him might help. Or not....
5. Communication is an apparent issue here. While our natural instinct is to say "hey a-hole why don't you look in the mirror before talking cr@p about my appearance", the better response is probably to say something like, "I suspect you mean well when you make the comments you make about me having room for improvement, but it really hurts my feelings and I would appreciate it if you didn't say things like that to me." You might also want to add "here's a hint about women, when we ask how we look, your response is better received if it contains the words "beautiful, breathtaking, hot" or even "the color of that dress makes your eyes stand out really nicely". Rating you at a mid level on a scale of 1-10 isn't going to do anything but make you feel ugly and insecure, which doesn't translate well within your relationship.
As I said before, take what I say and do what you wish with it. But this is just my take on the situation.
(edited to correct a typo)0 -
I don't know how he acts outside of this one situation, but men sometimes say things thinking they're being helpful (by being honest). The sexes communicate in different ways. If you were just fishing for compliments outside of any day-to-day situation (as some women do, not saying that you have), I'd kind of see the point in delicate, constructive criticism (which this wasn't, because he didn't elaborate on what he thought could improve)... but this was a special occasion you were preparing for, to schmooze for the benefit of his work relationships, and so I think asking how you looked was appropriate... and unless there was something urgent that as reasonable to point out (a la "your underwear is showing"), that you could addressed right then, he should have kept his thoughts on improvement to himself, and mentioned something positive and supportive.
I agree that it's time for a talk: tell him that his comment was hurtful and unhelpful, and ask him what he meant by it. What does he feel needs improvement? If he says it's something to do with your body, then I would diplomatically point out to him that he has farther to go on his self improvement than you do (if you even HAVE any farther to go, because you are now well into the healthy BMI range, and judging by your arm flexing photo in your profile, you strength train, too). If he takes issue with anything like loose skin or stretch marks (which a lot of women who have had that much to lose often have, and I expect some, myself, once I lose about 140 lbs total), explain to him that not everything after weight loss goes back to where it would have been had you never been obese.
If, after getting his explanation, you feel that his expectations on an ongoing basis are controlling and shallow, I would tell him that in addition to improving your physical health, you will be improving your emotional health moving forward... by losing another 250 lbs, if you catch my drift.0 -
Counseling is definitely needed.
For both of you. If he will participate, great. If not, go yourself to help figure out where you go from here. He's being abusive and you're taking it. You can only change your reaction to it. Only he can change his behavior.0 -
You should feel exactly as you do, and maybe take it a step further to consider that he likely made those remarks out of feeling insecure about his own image. Instead of tearing each other down and (sorry) being childish, maybe you could talk to him calmly and let him know (with your words) that you were hurt by his comment, you would like his support- and maybe even some praise- and ask him what you can do to support him in his needs.
Just a thought- you obviously love him.... show it. He'll likely respond more positively.
Yes this ^^^^!!! No relationship is perfect and they all take work!!0 -
You should feel exactly as you do, and maybe take it a step further to consider that he likely made those remarks out of feeling insecure about his own image. Instead of tearing each other down and (sorry) being childish, maybe you could talk to him calmly and let him know (with your words) that you were hurt by his comment, you would like his support- and maybe even some praise- and ask him what you can do to support him in his needs.
Just a thought- you obviously love him.... show it. He'll likely respond more positively.
Yes this ^^^^!!! No relationship is perfect and they all take work!!
However if after talking calmly and explaining how your feel, it doesn't change, try counseling, if he refuses, then dump him! If they are not willing to do counseling, they are not willing to change and you don't need the abuse!0
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