How should I feel??????
Replies
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You should feel bad...for him. He is very insecure and he is trying to project those feelings onto you for his lack of...whatever.
You look fabulous, you should feel fabulous! Try not to let his words/actions get to you, if that type of behavior continues consider losing 250 more pounds...your husband.0 -
This^. i have a feeling he had already decided to put you down before he even asked you to dress up for the gathering.Sounds like insecurity to me. You've achieved something he cannot, and subconsciously (or maybe consciously) he doesn't want you feeling like you are better than him.0 -
Absolutely awful. I sit at home at almost 250 pounds in sweat pants, no makeup and a baggy shirt with my hair up and my husband constantly tells me I'm beautiful.
There are some SERIOUS problems if he says ANYTHING like that to you.
Counseling is definitely needed.
He has no right to treat you like that, and he is absolutely out of line.
If counseling doesn't turn him around, leave.0 -
He sounds more like a real weiner to me. Also a 3 on a scale of 1-10. *HUGS*Sounds like he's a real winner...0
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You should feel exactly as you do, and maybe take it a step further to consider that he likely made those remarks out of feeling insecure about his own image. Instead of tearing each other down and (sorry) being childish, maybe you could talk to him calmly and let him know (with your words) that you were hurt by his comment, you would like his support- and maybe even some praise- and ask him what you can do to support him in his needs.
Just a thought- you obviously love him.... show it. He'll likely respond more positively.
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I have several thoughts on this post, and please, take what you like and leave the rest as far as my opinion goes.
1. The very notion that you had to "step it up a notch (or whatever your wording was)" to go to an event with him is a load of garbage. Now, of course we want our spouse/partner to look hot when we go out with them. But who on earth tells their spouse/partner that they need to do this???
2. Him picking out your clothing is an absolute insult. Now if you come out with two outfits and say "which do you like best" then be prepared for him to level an opinion. I'm okay with that. But otherwise, I suspect you're old enough to know what looks good and what's appropriate for certain events. If you came out in a tube top and Daisy Duke shorts I guess I could see him saying something if you were headed to a formal wedding. Otherwise, he needs to let you pick your own clothing based on what's going to make YOU feel good about YOU. Not HIM feel good about YOU.
3. If you know he tends to make these ridiculous comments about your appearance, quit asking him how you look. It's like going to a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread. You are never going to find what you're looking for from someone like him.
4. He is very insecure about your weight loss and his perception appears to be that suddenly you are going to be looking elsewhere because you have more "options" now that you've lost weight. So he needs to knock you down a notch to remind you that you should stick with what you have. Another direct insult that implies that you couldn't attract another man when you were heavier. A load of cr@p. You could have. You chose to be with him, just like you're choosing to be with him now also. A reminder that you've been with him all this time not because of a lack of alternatives, but your sincere desire to be with him might help. Or not....
5. Communication is an apparent issue here. While our natural instinct is to say "hey a-hole why don't you look in the mirror before talking cr@p about my appearance", the better response is probably to say something like, "I suspect you mean well when you make the comments you make about me having room for improvement, but it really hurts my feelings and I would appreciate it if you didn't say things like that to me." You might also want to add "here's a hint about women, when we ask how we look, your response is better received if it contains the words "beautiful, breathtaking, hot" or even "the color of that dress makes your eyes stand out really nicely". Rating you at a mid level on a scale of 1-10 isn't going to do anything but make you feel ugly and insecure, which doesn't translate well within your relationship.
As I said before, take what I say and do what you wish with it. But this is just my take on the situation.
(edited to correct a typo)0 -
I don't know how he acts outside of this one situation, but men sometimes say things thinking they're being helpful (by being honest). The sexes communicate in different ways. If you were just fishing for compliments outside of any day-to-day situation (as some women do, not saying that you have), I'd kind of see the point in delicate, constructive criticism (which this wasn't, because he didn't elaborate on what he thought could improve)... but this was a special occasion you were preparing for, to schmooze for the benefit of his work relationships, and so I think asking how you looked was appropriate... and unless there was something urgent that as reasonable to point out (a la "your underwear is showing"), that you could addressed right then, he should have kept his thoughts on improvement to himself, and mentioned something positive and supportive.
I agree that it's time for a talk: tell him that his comment was hurtful and unhelpful, and ask him what he meant by it. What does he feel needs improvement? If he says it's something to do with your body, then I would diplomatically point out to him that he has farther to go on his self improvement than you do (if you even HAVE any farther to go, because you are now well into the healthy BMI range, and judging by your arm flexing photo in your profile, you strength train, too). If he takes issue with anything like loose skin or stretch marks (which a lot of women who have had that much to lose often have, and I expect some, myself, once I lose about 140 lbs total), explain to him that not everything after weight loss goes back to where it would have been had you never been obese.
If, after getting his explanation, you feel that his expectations on an ongoing basis are controlling and shallow, I would tell him that in addition to improving your physical health, you will be improving your emotional health moving forward... by losing another 250 lbs, if you catch my drift.0 -
Counseling is definitely needed.
For both of you. If he will participate, great. If not, go yourself to help figure out where you go from here. He's being abusive and you're taking it. You can only change your reaction to it. Only he can change his behavior.0 -
You should feel exactly as you do, and maybe take it a step further to consider that he likely made those remarks out of feeling insecure about his own image. Instead of tearing each other down and (sorry) being childish, maybe you could talk to him calmly and let him know (with your words) that you were hurt by his comment, you would like his support- and maybe even some praise- and ask him what you can do to support him in his needs.
Just a thought- you obviously love him.... show it. He'll likely respond more positively.
Yes this ^^^^!!! No relationship is perfect and they all take work!!0 -
You should feel exactly as you do, and maybe take it a step further to consider that he likely made those remarks out of feeling insecure about his own image. Instead of tearing each other down and (sorry) being childish, maybe you could talk to him calmly and let him know (with your words) that you were hurt by his comment, you would like his support- and maybe even some praise- and ask him what you can do to support him in his needs.
Just a thought- you obviously love him.... show it. He'll likely respond more positively.
Yes this ^^^^!!! No relationship is perfect and they all take work!!
However if after talking calmly and explaining how your feel, it doesn't change, try counseling, if he refuses, then dump him! If they are not willing to do counseling, they are not willing to change and you don't need the abuse!0 -
You have every right to feel the way you do. It can be hard for SO's to accept the change we are making in our lives. They see us becoming slimmer, healthier, and turning heads (and rightfully so!) and sometimes, they wonder...why are we with them? They know deep down it's because we truly love them, but their hurtful comments are to kind of keep us in our 'place'. They're either stagnant in their health or worse, it's declining. And they don't like being reminded of that by looking at our success every day. We are sometimes a constant reminder of their own failure in taking control over their lives, if that makes sense.
Also...your progress is very inspiring! I totally checked out your photos and I am in love with your arms!0 -
I looked at your pics. You're adorable and your husband is clearly an idiot. But even if you weren't adorable, your husband should be your biggest cheerleader no matter what. Sounds like he has some issues and you have every right to be angry.0
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It must be very threatening to him that you lost weight and he hasn't. It also seems that he doesn't have the personal strength to be generous and openly loving towards you.
Obviously what he said was abusive. Giving him the silent treatment I'm not sure if that works.
My husband can be a jerk sometimes too. I have found not giving him energy very beneficial. See what happens if you don't react next time he says something like that. Also refrain from asking his opinion on your appearance.
See what happens when instead of giving him all that attention when he behaves like a wanker you instead give yourself that energy.
It's as though he can feed off it and is taking your energy away by making you feel hurt and angry.
I think you look really good. Time to buy yourself a new dress and go out with some friends and see a movie.
Take a step back and see him from a different angle, don't take it personally easier said than done. The reason I say all these things is because I've been there and I found the strategies I suggested very helpful. They may or may not work for you.0 -
I have several thoughts on this post, and please, take what you like and leave the rest as far as my opinion goes.
1. The very notion that you had to "step it up a notch (or whatever your wording was)" to go to an event with him is a load of garbage. Now, of course we want our spouse/partner to look hot when we go out with them. But who on earth tells their spouse/partner that they need to do this???
2. Him picking out your clothing is an absolute insult. Now if you come out with two outfits and say "which do you like best" then be prepared for him to level an opinion. I'm okay with that. But otherwise, I suspect you're old enough to know what looks good and what's appropriate for certain events. If you came out in a tube top and Daisy Duke shorts I guess I could see him saying something if you were headed to a formal wedding. Otherwise, he needs to let you pick your own clothing based on what's going to make YOU feel good about YOU. Not HIM feel good about YOU.
3. If you know he tends to make these ridiculous comments about your appearance, quit asking him how you look. It's like going to a hardware store looking for a loaf of bread. You are never going to find what you're looking for from someone like him.
4. He is very insecure about your weight loss and his perception appears to be that suddenly you are going to be looking elsewhere because you have more "options" now that you've lost weight. So he needs to knock you down a notch to remind you that you should stick with what you have. Another direct insult that implies that you couldn't attract another man when you were heavier. A load of cr@p. You could have. You chose to be with him, just like you're choosing to be with him now also. A reminder that you've been with him all this time not because of a lack of alternatives, but your sincere desire to be with him might help. Or not....
5. Communication is an apparent issue here. While our natural instinct is to say "hey a-hole why don't you look in the mirror before talking cr@p about my appearance", the better response is probably to say something like, "I suspect you mean well when you make the comments you make about me having room for improvement, but it really hurts my feelings and I would appreciate it if you didn't say things like that to me." You might also want to add "here's a hint about women, when we ask how we look, your response is better received if it contains the words "beautiful, breathtaking, hot" or even "the color of that dress makes your eyes stand out really nicely". Rating you at a mid level on a scale of 1-10 isn't going to do anything but make you feel ugly and insecure, which doesn't translate well within your relationship.
As I said before, take what I say and do what you wish with it. But this is just my take on the situation.
(edited to correct a typo)
Best, most level-headed response.
Initial reactions aside, you clearly love him, but you need to love yourself as well. There is room enough in your relationship for both.0 -
Sounds like he's a real winner...
I couldn't be with a guy like that. So thankful for my awesome husband who HONESTLY thinks I'm a 10, even though I'm actually only an 8. Sad for you, OP, especially with all the effort you put in for his big show. What as *kitten*.
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I cannot believe your own husband would say that to you! I would feel terrible too---you have every right to feel hurt and angry! I would do the same as you. He should be supportive. My only guess is he is jealous of your success and he wishes he had the drive, motivation and discipline that you do. EIther way, that was NOT OK and you deserve better---and I hope he wakes up and realizes it. I am in awe of your story about your weight loss journey and would love to have you on here as my fiend on here for inspiration and motivation! You look AMAZING!!!0
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Everyday you continue to improve yourself you get hotter and hotter. When he doesn't change you're getting out of his league.
Sounds to me that he is just insecure enough to verbally abuse you so you think that you cant do any better than him.
Looking at your pictures you're smoking hot! You've had amazing progress.
Don't let him get you down sweetheart
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Oh my goodness i am so sorry you have to deal with this what is wrong with people now a days!? Im sure he wasnt trying to be an arrogant self concious **** sucker. Men say **** we take differently he may have just been kidding although it was most definitely a low kick to your self esteem i would bring it up to him.0
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Yeah, I think you both need to grow up. I usually don't say stuff like this (seriously, I'm like the board b*tch), but I looked at your profile pics, and you're a friggen knock out. :noway: Beautiful women have power, and you my dear, have the power. But you throw it away with the middle finger schtick. I don't know if your hubby was being an *kitten* or he if truly felt that with a little tweaking, you could blow them all away. I mean you gave him all the power when you let him pick out your clothes, so did he really think he was done? Talk to him like a grown woman, tell him that was hurtful, ask what he meant, and if you determine he truly was being an *kitten*, then you tell him you don't take that crap from him any more. Be upfront with your expectations, and for Heaven's sake, stop letting anyone pick out your clothes! You're not 8 years old. You're an adult. If you want to be treated like one, you can't give away control like that.
Well done on your weight loss. :drinker: I'm impressed you managed to keep the boobies.0 -
Even before you told us that he rated you a 7 1/2, his choosing your clothing and telling you to step it up is just so OUT THERE (for me). It doesn't even compute in my world that my spouse would feel that way, talk that way, or expect things that way. It's your life and your marriage and only you can decide what you want, but truthfully, what you describe would not be okay for me and I would teach my daughters it's not okay for them.0
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Let me see if I understand you right...
Your husband is fat, gluttonous, BALD and rude, and he has the audacity to act cocky and arrogantly call a smoking hotbox like yourself a 7.5? WTH?
He wouldn't act that way if you didn't allow it. Ratchet your standards up a little and expect more from him. It's clear he has no idea how good he has it.
Personally I would have very calmly taken off the nice dress (that HE picked out), yanked on an old pair of cutoffs and dirty flip flops, messed up my hair and taken off every scrap of makeup and say, "ok, ready to go!" If he won't appreciate you looking your best, then he deserves your worst.
agreed!
what a ****tard!
That'll be the day when my hubby tells me to "bump it up a notch," pick out my outfit for me and then insult me!
He sounds like he has very low self esteem (for obvious reasons!) and the only thing that makes him feel better is putting you down. He is probably scared to death knowing that someday you will wake up and see that he's a slug and you can do much better. He is trying to bring your confidence down to his level so you don't realise that you're EFFIN HAWT and fabulous and fit and amazing and and and and and and I could go on.
How about giving him a taste of his own medicine?
Say "it's grossing me out that you finished off that entire box of poptarts."0 -
this. i dont throw around the word 'abusive' but he sounds very controllingEven before you told us that he rated you a 7 1/2, his choosing your clothing and telling you to step it up is just so OUT THERE (for me). It doesn't even compute in my world that my spouse would feel that way, talk that way, or expect things that way. It's your life and your marriage and only you can decide what you want, but truthfully, what you describe would not be okay for me and I would teach my daughters it's not okay for them.0 -
You know what you look like and you know where you have come from. He may be just a little envious not necessarily jealous. Maybe you should ask him to join you at the gym or maybe walk together. But tell him that comment was hurtful. lol. Don't call him names at least not yet.0
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Sounds like insecurity to me. You've achieved something he cannot, and subconsciously (or maybe consciously) he doesn't want you feeling like you are better than him.0
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I'm no psychologist, but maybe he's using your appearance to boost his own self-worth. If he's seen with someone as hot as you on his arm, his unappealing appearance doesn't matter. This may be why he asked you to kick it up a notch. You say you love him dearly; what does he offer you that makes you feel this way toward him? Is he kind and considerate toward you, does he care about your well-being, does he care about your feelings, does he offer support and understanding? As the dearly departed Abbigail VanBuren once said, "Are you better off with or without him?"0
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the cockiness is all an act, he knows he f'ed up, and is trying his best to play it off and not say sorry, i wouldn't ignore him, start dropping little mentions of nice things that other men in your life have said to you, particularly if someone new flirts with, or compliments you. he is most definitely very insecure about himself, he was before you lost weight, and is even more so now, but tries to hide it with deflection and insult. being unsupportive of you is a crappy thing to do, and probably has to do with him being scared to start trying and succeed,, fail, or fail in comparison with some unrealistic idea. ..........or he is just a huge ****, and you should tell him off at every opportunity until he gets the hint that he crossed a huge line and hurt you deeply and apologizes0
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How should you feel?
Confident.
I don't think the silent treatment does you any favors, but if you happened to make a lot of plans by yourself or with your friends several nights in a row, it couldn't hurt. I'm not saying leave the house, but you could use a few events where you are independent from him. Go out and have fun. Hang out with supportive people. Be fabulous, with or without him.
Don't ask him how you look. If he says something unsavory to you, you could pull the old "so are you" trick and just tell him that he's a 7 with room for improvement too.
You have every right to be proud of your accomplishments, and he doesn't have to validate your feelings. It would be nice if he did, but since he's not seeing it the same way, focus on something other than him. Do something that makes you happy, and don't ask him for permission or for approval.0 -
What a POS. I swear. It is his job to you you that you are beautiful, not to tear you down. SMH :noway:0
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I just keep thinking ..wow.. So uncalled for.
You deserve so much better.
I know if it were me, I would not be going to the wedding with him. Screw that.0 -
You should ask him what you could do to get that other 2.5 to make it a 10. If he can't answer...you are a 10 already!
I feel sorry for him because I think he is feeling bad for his own out of shape self. If I were you, I know I would feel the hurt, but
I hope I could keep going forward knowing I am in the right and not let this ruin things for me. Hope you will do that. You deserve
better.0
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