why do people like to tear others down?

So I have a gym partner. I'm a woman and gym partner is a guy. We are a couple years apart in age. Both of us went through a significant weight loss. We both work out hard. (6-7 x week several hours a day)

My friends and husband have suspected that he was interested. I have said I can't control his feelings.

Lately, he has been saying comments that are mean. For example, a gym instructor had said that I look leaner since she last saw me. He said no don't. You look bigger. He always saying that I'm big boned (i.e. fatter). You look like a linebacker.

I'm 5 feet and muscular (size 2-4).

I have moved on from the gym to crossfit. He always wanted to do it but has not b/c of the cost. So now he says "i don't want to hear you talk about cross fit. I don't want to do it because the people get to big. You will get to big."

He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (husband, kids, house, financial stability, etc). I get hit on by guys. Sometimes right in front of him. Women never hit on him or notice him.

I don't get why his tearing me down.

One motto I live by is: life is short. Surround yourself with people that will lift you up. Get rid of people who don't.

So, time to let go?


  • Sounds like there's an issue or two; body issues, issues with women perhaps, intimidation issues, self-confidence issues.

    Helluva lot of baggage for a gym partner. I say move on.
  • RozayJones
    RozayJones Posts: 409 Member
    I would say he is not happy with himself therefore he doesn't not like seeing other people happy - even if you are friends.
    If he is bringing you down and you have to question his 'friendship' he is def. not bringing any good to your life - tell him bye!
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
    What are you benefiting from this friendship?
  • people with little to no self esteem tend to try to tear others down. I'd say that is a great deal of stress and strain and it might be time to part ways.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    So you hang out with a boring, unattractive man, who has nothing going for him.

    He sounds depressed, not mean, honestly.

    He probably needs some one that will build him up, too, so your advice is solid. Split up.
  • LassoOfTruth
    LassoOfTruth Posts: 735 Member
    Daddy issues?
  • He sounds a rude and jealous guy with a lot of problems - move on, I say.
  • Melissa22G
    Melissa22G Posts: 847 Member
    "why do people like to tear others down?"

    To build themselves up.
  • MaryJane_8810002
    MaryJane_8810002 Posts: 2,082 Member
    Easy. This is one of those " If I'm not happy you can't be either" scenarios. If I were you it sounds like you don't need gym partner anymore.
  • AllanMisner
    AllanMisner Posts: 4,140 Member
    Why exactly is he your friend?
  • TyTy76
    TyTy76 Posts: 1,761 Member
    "why do people like to tear others down?"

    To build themselves up.

    That's why I do it..
  • Fozzi43
    Fozzi43 Posts: 2,984 Member
    No one needs people around them that brings them down..find another gym partner
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,742 Member
    Why do you think he is saying this to be mean? Maybe trying is just trying to be honest with you.
  • norahwynn
    norahwynn Posts: 862 Member
    Move on! There's no need to add drama when you don't need to.
  • FerretBuellerr
    FerretBuellerr Posts: 468 Member
    I do think it might be time to move on if he's making comments that you don't like. I mean, what does it really matter anyways if you keep him as a friend or not?! Probably not much if he's starting to annoy you now.

    I would like to point out 2 things:

    1. I don't think he means "big" as in "fat" but big as in "muscular" - I know myself, I don't find extremely muscular woman attractive, and perhaps this is what he was getting at.

    2. See this quote here?
    He has a lean body but not attractive

    Is that not also just as judgmental as he is being towards you? Justifying that you should drop him as a friend/work out buddy because you are doing better/are more attractive than him doesn't seem like a very nice reason, just like it's not nice of him to tell you to not ever talk about how you are enjoying crossfit because he isn't interested in it.

    ETA: I also agree with what a few others have mentioned - if you are not gaining anything out of this relationship, and it's putting stress on you, then it's probably not worth it. This guy sounds like he might need more motivation, and perhaps he wants you to stick around because he feels motivated by you - but his way of saying it is really flawed.
  • megsi474
    megsi474 Posts: 370 Member
    It sounds like he thought losing weight and getting in shape would fix whatever issues he has going on in his head and that didn't happen. Happiness is an inside job and you can get right with the reflection in the mirror all you want but that doesn't mean the heart and head are in the right place.
  • drefaw
    drefaw Posts: 739
    This guy seems like an idiot. with serious self esteem issues. Move on , and enhance your calm ....
  • downsizinghoss
    downsizinghoss Posts: 1,046 Member
    I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).

    You have a wife? That's hot.
  • DashDeV
    DashDeV Posts: 545 Member

    He has a lean body but not attractive and does not have much going on in his life other than gym. I have my life together (wife, kids, house, financial stability, etc).
    I don't get why his tearing me down.

    You obviously think you're much better than him..perhaps he has been picking up on this vibe.
  • rgrange
    rgrange Posts: 236 Member
    You have a husband and a wife?